In Which Snape Throws a Royal Fit

-Or-

Apoplexy and Potions can be Deadly

Disclaimer:  If I were such an original person as to think of this on my own, you'd see me on TV.  Instead, you see me watching TV.

            "Oh Harry!" exclaimed Tonks, shocked.  "I didn't know!  Why can't that bloody man take care of himself?  I should take him jogging.  The pavement's clear now…"

            "Umm, Tonks?" called Hermione, "We know you're worried, I wouldn't be chuffered myself, but it's just that he's a little bored and depressed.  He's not sick."

            Ginny jumped in, "Right, Tonks.  We thought if we played a brilliant joke on him, he'd cheer up…Well, actually, Ron thought of it.  I know you like Remus so this might be rather awkward, but, well…"  Here she trailed off.

            Harry continued.  "We thought we'd hold a fake wedding.  He thinks that it's a joke to cheer you up, but it's actually for him.  We wondered if because you're such good mates you'd play the bride."

            When Hermione noticed Tonks hesitating, she jumped on with the extra incentive.  "And we have another plot to go with it.  We obviously can't do this plus our jobs, so we're going to make Snape do it!  Well, we're going to try.  You see, Snape doesn't really like either of you two and we're making him the party planner.  Dumbledore'll make him do it."

            Tonks wiped tears from her eyes as she got off the floor laughing.  "Sorry Hermione, that sort of ruined your speech, but that whole party Snape thing was too much!  I'm in just for the look on his face!  Say, you shouldn't tell him it's a joke, it would make for more laughs."

            "We hoped you'd say that, so we made these," said Ron as he pulled a slightly rumpled invitation from his jacket pocket.  "There're 500 more at Harry's flat."

            Tonks took the invitation and convulsed back into hysterical laughter.  "This...is...great!"  She managed between hiccups.

            "Yeah, it is pretty great," agreed Ron, glowing with pride.  "We made them up this morning after we talked to R…Richard."

            "Who's Richard?"

            "Oh, the printer," covered Hermione.  "He made these.  I especially like the little blooming flowers on the front.  And we wrote the inscription."  Here she read the card:

You are cordially invited

to the marriage of

Remus Lupin

and

Nymphadora Tonks

Please RSVP by June 1st

To Severus Snape, Wedding Coordinator

            Later, after leaving Tonks' cottage, the group of twenty-something matchmakers returned to Hermione's flat, which was incidentally built right of her parents' house.  Harry suspected that Hermione's complaining about having to 'live at home' was mostly an act due to the fact they could never reach her at any meal times.

            Today, they only stopped outside Hermione's door to get some books and then proceeded to the main house.  Hermione's parents were waiting.

            "Oh hello, muffins!" said Hermione's mum, running out to meet them.  "Hermione said you'd be by later, but I didn't expect you so early."

            "I'm sorry Mum," apologized Hermione.  "I meant to call, but we got sidetracked.  Were you in the middle of anything?"

            "No, but I'd have made some brownies if I'd known.  How can I help you?"

            "Well Mrs Granger, we'd like some help planning a wedding," said Ron, who was never one to waste words.

            "Yes, it's Tonks.  You remember her, right?  She's got pinkish hair…sometimes.  Anyhoo, she's getting married and wanted us to make the arrangements.  Since Aunt Lilianne got married last year and you helped, I thought you'd know what to do."

            "Well…do come in. Let's talk about size first.  Is it a public or private wedding?  Will it be in a church or not?  Who'll be the bridal party?  How many guests?..."  Mrs Granger trailed off as she entered the house with an excited Hermione and Ginny and a frazzled Harry and Ron who had only just realised what they were getting themselves into.

            Some two hours later, the group exited with a bag of Mrs Granger's brownies and plenty to think about.  However, they were comforted that once they made the decisions Snape would be doing the arrangements…they hoped.  That Dumbledore would refuse did not seem at all pleasant.

            Upon their arrival to Harry's hobby farm, they made the final decisions.

            "Alright," read Ginny from their list, "It will be a church wedding with all the fanfare usual.  Tonks will be resplendent in a white dress that Hermione has chosen from this bridal book.  Bridal party will wear light green.  Hermione, Narcissa Malfoy, Andromeda Tonks, and I will be the bridesmaids.  Andromeda is the Matron of Honour.  The Ushers are Markus Lupin, Harry, Draco, and Lucius Malfoy." here she looked up, "Harry, I know you don't like them but they're Tonk's relatives."  She continued reading.  "Markus will be the Best Man.  Everyone will be invited.  Magic will be kept low so people's Muggle relatives can attend comfortably.  That's pretty well it.  Let's send this to Dumbledore to give to Snape."

            Harry penned a short note.

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

In light of our upcoming nuptials, we are now so busy it boggles our minds.  Due to this, we would like to enlist Remus' old friend Severus Snape to be the wedding coordinator.  We have never met a more proper, well-educated, tasteful man and we feel he would do a wonderful job.  However, due to his temperament, we thought we might ask you to convince him to participate. 

We await your word with much joy,

Tonks and Remus.

PS:  Please send your reply back with the owl.

            "Harry!  That's a lovely note!  But how could you say all those nice things about Snape?"  asked Ginny.

            Harry blushed slightly.  "Well, I had a lot of help.  I got one of those Quik-Quotes Quills.  It really works well.  Makes me sound eloquent, dontcha think?"  This made them all laugh.  

            Ron sent the owl with the note.  "Well," he said, "Now all we can do is wait."

            However, at Hogwarts Castle, things were just getting interesting.  Dumbledore stroked his beard has he read the letter he had received.  He turned to the owl waiting.  "Ah, little friend, I can sense a joke after all my years of teaching and this reeks of it.  However," and here his eyes twinkled and he looked mischievous, "I must accept on Severus' behalf."

            He too penned a short note.

Dear Remus and Tonks,

As the employer of the aforementioned Severus Snape, I hereby accept your proposal on his behalf.  Best wishes of your marriage.  I'm quite sure Severus will comply to your every wish.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

            He then sent the letter back with the owl as he called the unsuspecting Potions Master to his office.

            It cannot be confirmed for sure, but people across Northern England and Southern Scotland will swear that on that particular day the screams and protests of Severus Snape could be heard clear as crystal and they assume the loud thump was him fainting dead away.