Severus Snape's Wedding

In Which Much Ranting Occurs

-Or-

Plots and Things

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all the entities pertaining to it are the sole property of JK Rowling. There is no point in suing me. I have nothing you could take.

Upon waking from his faint, Severus Snape, Potions Master, was slightly disoriented. It seemed strange to him that he had no recollection of traveling to the infirmary or placing any sort of compress on his head. As he moved his hand to the aforementioned compress, the shock of pain was enough to bring back his memory of that terrible letter and he began to curse Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter, and Remus Lupin frontward, backwards, inside out, and sideways. Thankfully, Dumbledore had had the foresight to remove his wand from his possession and all this cursing just served to make his head sorer. However, this ranting brought a very solicitous Poppy Pomfrey to his side.

This day could not possibly become any worse, he thought to himself.

But he had spoken to soon for said Poppy Pomfrey soon returned to his bedside with a spoon and a large bottle. It seemed the Potions Master would be forced to swallow one of the Pepper-Up Potions that he had been lately brewing with a vile flavour to annoy the students. He almost thought suicide would be the best way out of this day, but decided he couldn't give Potter the satisfaction. Sighing, he rose from the bed and prepared his bruised and battered body for another verbal barrage from the plucky little nurse.

"Now Severus Snape! Return to that bed immediately or I will get the Headmaster and he will not be as nice as I am about it. It's high time someone used a leg-locker curse on you. You're far too full of yourself and mean and antisocial." She glared at him like she had forcibly hit him and was pleased with the damage.

Her pluck never ceases to amaze me, he thought to himself. Not many speak up to the sharp-tongued Professor Snape. He inwardly sighed and replied to the huffing school nurse, "My dear Poppy, do shut up. You're making my headache worse."

He smirked to himself at the immediate look of remorse on her face and the faint blush that tinged her cheeks. He had that effect on women. They simultaneously wanted to scold him and reform him while they looked up to him like an aloof demi-god. He couldn't figure out why. It wasn't his looks and certainly not his manners. He thought it must be for the same reason the children (here he sneered) adored those terrible actors and painful-sounding singers: they were different and foreign, even if you thought you knew a lot about them. Oh well, there was no time to analyse these insane women, he had to get out of this infirmary had slaughter a few people, namely Albus Dumbledore, then Harry Potter and his groupies….

Everyone knew that when Severus Snape was stalking down the hallway, it was best for your health to get out of his way. Even when said potions master wore only a hospital gown, a cape, and slippers with a cloth compress wrapped around his head.

"Oh wonderful," murmured a young third year, "He's finally cracked!"

"Don't speak too soon," her older friend counseled, "Even if he is wearing white fuzzy slippers, he's no one to be trifled with!"

As soon as Severus Snape reached the door to Dumbledore's office, he mentally steeled himself for the most condescending bribery he would ever have to hear, barked out the password and stormed in. "No tea and no candy!" he cut Dumbledore off before the man even had a chance to utter a word.

"Why Severus, I do believe that in addition to being an Occlumens, you are also a Ligilimens! What wonderful news! I must inform the Order!"

Why me, he inwardly groaned. "Dumbledore, about this Potter wedding…Are you out of your mind? For if you think I will go so far as to order flowers and match doilies for Potter, Lupin, and their cronies you are sadly mistaken!"

Dumbledore simply pulled out a quill and jotted something down, making no notice of the venom lacing his teacher's voice. "Doilies! What a splendid idea! I knew you had it in you, my dear Severus. That fall must have triggered your creative side…as well as your eccentricity! What a lovely outfit and such a change from your normal black. I do think it will go over well with the students."

Suddenly, Snape became aware of his clothing, and proved even he had some emotion, for he had the good grace to look ashamed.

"You'll never believe this!" hollered Hermione from Harry's flat's kitchen.

"What is it Hermione?" Harry called from his bathroom, his distorted voice suggesting he was brushing his teeth.

"Dumbledore wrote. It seems Snape was so shocked 'bout this wedding we put him up to that he keeled right over in Dumbledore's office and he's been in the Infirmary all night!"

There was a choked laugh and loud gagging in the bathroom that confirmed the tooth brushing theory. "Are you dead straight?"

"Oh yes," Hermione herself was struggling to keep a straight face. "I mean, who would've thought the terrible Professor Snape was so afraid of flowers… and cakes…"

Here Harry emerged and continued, tears trickling down his face with laughter, "And what about bridesmaid's dresses and wedding rings! And caterers! Oh my… and… and… oh, this is painfully funny… what if he has to arrange a bachelor party! Can you see that? Snape skipping around in a frock coat asking everyone if they're drunk enough?"

Here the two friends collapsed laughing at the kitchen table. But little did they know of the scene being played out at Hogwarts Castle…

"I refuse! I bloody refuse for the twentieth bloody time!" Severus Snape had unwisely been given his wand by Albus Dumbledore so he could put on some more suitable clothes. Now, attired in his usual black robes, he was systematically blasting the strange things that adorned Dumbledore's office faster than Dumbledore could Reparo them.

"Now Severus, I've already given Harry and Remus your word that they will help with the upcoming nuptials and you can't back out now! They're counting on you!"

This was a new tactic. All else had been bribes of "consideration" for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position the next time it became available. Severus Snape thought he had at last discovered a loophole. "Alright Albus, that is what they say, but given our past history, why should they actually desire my help? They're more likely to plot my death! Why should I walk right in to their little scheme?"

"So, if it can be proven that this idea is legitimate you'll assist them."

"Most certainly. The whole idea is a sham. First of all, the idea of actually being named Nymphadora is slim to none and Remus Lupin actually getting married is even lower! The man's so afraid that he's a terrible menace to society, which in my opinion he is, he's probably never been on a date!" Something about the sudden grin flashing across Dumbledore's face unnerved him. It seemed as though this entire conversation had been a cleverly constructed plot to trap him into willingly assisting in this madness. Then suddenly he remembered a student he'd had some thirteen or fourteen years ago when he'd still been a fairly new teacher. "Oh…you can't mean…Not… Nymphadora Tonks!"

"Exactly! And, now that one of your impossibilities has been proven, might the other not also be true?"

He gritted his teeth. His head was about ready to explode. "Alright then Albus, find out if it's true."

His heart was pounding as Albus approached the fireplace Floo network. He'd seen and done a lot of things in his life, but the prospect of planning a wedding caused his blood to run cold.

However, oblivious to all the mirth and anger, Nymphadora Tonks sat lonely in her flat, wondering how she could ever have agreed to pretend the kind of happiness she had always searched for with precisely the man she loved. She sighed, feeling in her heart that he only saw her as a friend and she was some seven or eight years his junior. Besides, she thought miserably, Remus is so serious and scholarly. There is no way I'm his perfect woman. She sadly turned away from her window and back to her book. Maybe, she thought, Maybe if I just pretend it's real…that this whole joke is the truth…Maybe…

But little did she know that there were other hearts that night just as lonely as she, and that some of these hearts were soon to cross her path…