Lucky Me

Chapter 107


Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: Start Session:

They want me to tell it like it is or was or whatever the hell the right word is. Fine. I'll tell them exactly what happened! We were sent to the slaughter because they didn't want to get off their lazy asses to help us! That's what happened!

All they do is brain wash us to do their bidding and what happens? We freakin' die with a damn X on our chest!

I skeeeeecan't dumb

Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: Start Session:

Okay, they told me to control me temper because if I don't I'll fry the circuits all over again. Big freakin' deal. Like I'm supposed to care if their computer dies? Buy or build a new one and there you go. Give me her back, rebuild her and then I'll stop deep frying the precious Cerebro.

Oh yeah, I'm also supposed to watch my mouth. I don't know why. It's not like the damn computer is going to blush.

I can't believe I let them talk me into this again. Jean thinks that if I talk it out, I'll feel better. Let me beat Scott into a bloody, whimpering pulp every day until I feel better and he feels as bad as I do right now and I'll call it justice. That is what I would call therapy.

He didn't even cry.

He stood there with his mouth open for about two seconds and then walked away.

Walked away!

What kind of coward is he? Couldn't he look the rest of the team in the eye! I betcha he couldn't because he knew it was his fault! Spineless.

Worthless.

I don't see how this is suppose to help me. I'm just getting angry all over again.

Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: Start Session:

It's been two months.

Eight very long weeks of having people tell me that I need to adjust to the idea that she is probably dead but they weren't there. Yeah, I'm not so angry at Scott. I still hate his boy-scout guts but I don't want to kill him with blunt objects anymore. I've improved. I put his face on a lot of the targets in my games and blow his head off artificially.

Great stress reliever.

They had a funeral for her today. Maybe that's why I'm so depleted of my normal smart assie-ness. But whatever. No, they didn't put a body in the casket. They couldn't ever find a body to put in there. They buried some of her stuff. What actually went in there could have fit in a shoe box.

And just to prove what bastards they are, they gave me the 'honor' of telling her sister last week. Darcy, God, I don't know how to put what she sounded like after I told her. I had to tell her face to face, you just can't call someone about something like that. She cried for hours.

I haven't cried at all.

She isn't dead.

She couldn't be.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: Start Session:

Fine. I'll get this over with. The sooner I tell them what they want to know, the sooner I'll be able to go back to loathing them from my "cave" and don't have to worry about their prissy asses trying to tell me what I should do.

If this is what it takes. Fine. I'll do it. It's been 15 weeks.

Fifteen weeks ago, Kerry—Kookie, whatever! Blyt disappeared on a mission. There. I admitted it. She's currently missing in action. They try to get me to admit that she's dead but I refuse to let that come into my mind. Maybe she, God, maybe she is still out there?

And… And the what ifs still come into my mind. What if she was trapped under that ruble and they just got tired of working? Of looking for her? What if she was there when she heard the jet engines fire up for the last time and disappear into the distance?

Did she cry? Did she pray? Did she scream out for us to come back? God, what if she wasn't really gone but because of us, she is now! What if…?

That is my nightmare. Seeing her there, screaming out until her voice goes hoarse and crying when she realizes we aren't coming back…

I'm sorry I can't do this right now.

Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Phoenix: Recording: Start Session:

Chris has been diagnosed with depression recently, we found out he wasn't eating and that Julie's been covering for him for some time. Giving him "injections" of her flames to lift his spirits when around the rest of the members of the house.

We've designated Dr. Frese to talk to him, but she is hesitant. Apparently Kerry pulled some sort of horrible trick on her and she is now fearful of anyone from Xavier's. It would appear that Kerry has left a legacy of trouble in her wake.

Since Chris is unable to log in and tell us what happened through his point of view, I will record what it is we know about the situation that caused the death of the X-Man, Blyt.

Several weeks ago, Cerebro picked up a deeply distressed mutant in Kentucky. When we investigated the matter further, we found out it was another holding base, much like the others we found where all the employees where mercilessly slaughtered. We sent the X-cites to see if they could shed some light on the situation. The professor, Scott, and Ororo felt they were ready for a solo mission.

We didn't know the magnitude of the situation.

From what we could gather, when they got there they were met with someone who only referred to himself as "Country Boy". Black Flame reported, later, that she couldn't read his emotions. There was no hate, rage, pride, anything. I can only assume he was a puppet.

By who? I'm unsure.

We are still trying to work this out.

Also, Chris was shot by this man after a mouthing off to this man. Kia was told to stay behind to heal him, Flex was instructed to take down "Country Boy" while Black Flame was instructed to try and find anyone else in the complex.

This is where all the information gets fuzzy. We have their communication messages automatically saved. The entire mansion has been listened to, replayed and analyzed. What feels like a million times over. All we can fathom is that Black Flame said she'd take left, Blyt take the right so that they could grab as many people as possible.

The next contact we have from Blyt was that she needed backup. More puppets, most likely, from the same telepath. Maybe a reanimator? We are still unsure. Then she sent a message she was going into the lower levels to try and stop the source, assuming she could find and identify the source when she saw it. The last message we received from her was that the building was falling apart and all around her. She cried out, she—her comm. link died shortly thereafter.

Kia, Shockwav, and Flex were out of the building, Julie had just emerged when the entire complex fell in on itself.

They tore the building up, for half a day we didn't hear from them. After which we arrived and helped to search for survivors. Just like the rest of the complexes, all were dead. Either killed by gun shot from Country Boy or crushed under the building.

We didn't find Kerry, we believe she was much too far under the rubble. We did, however, find part of her uniform and her name badge. It was badly damaged. What really happened? We are unsure of that as well. A group of X-Men went to the local towns but they'd not seen her either.

We have to believe she is dead. Killed in the line of duty.

That concludes the business part of the conversation.

On a more personal note I've never seen Bobby so torn up. He was with us during the excavation and he found a necklace and became nearly hysterical. When Rogue pointed this out, he quickly iced up and walked away, saying there was no point for trying to find her body.

I don't know what happened before she left, but his thoughts were dark. They were all negative, and to himself. He, naturally, doesn't want to talk to me.

I can't believe she's gone.

I've lost another daughter.

Scott, he's been quiet about this as well.

I wonder if he is afraid Charles will send him to the psychiatrist as well?

Personal Log: Phoenix: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Black Flame: Recording: Start Session:

Okay, I don't understand why if one of us is as black as death the rest of us innocent bystanders have to be forced to interact with bloody machines. They are only good for storing food and shaving your legs.

To get this over with, yes, I saw them. There was the black headed beast from the east and some other type of being. I saw her flicker out, too. But then you know, I don't think it was her who sent the last call.

That's right, she'd gone out a bit before that. Completely gone and then, then we got that message.

Wot-ever, doesn't matter to me. Not like I care, not like I was her friend or she mine.

Personal Log: Black Flame: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: Start Session:

Three freaking long weeks! What the hell is wrong with them! I'm supposed to pour out my soul to a machine that can't blush and doesn't give a damn if I eat cookies in my underwear in front of it or not. But do. For some reason they suddenly care about the world and make me go to a grief center for some dumb ass reason. The only thing positive about it was that the nurses wore short dresses.

And the only entertainment? I kept frying the circuits.

Anyway, I heard what Jean had to say about this all. And yeah, that's basically what I know that happened as well. I was withering in agony not keeping a detailed journal. As for the reactions, Bobby has been cheerful. It's as fake as Christmas in July, but he is still putting on that mask.

When Jean suggested he help her clean out Kerry's room, the mask slipped for a nano-second, and she retracted the offer when so much hurt could be seen. I guess that's what I look like too. Great. Now me and the block head have something in common.

Can't you feel my joy?

Personal Log: Shockwav: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Iceman: Recording: Start Session:

It's been a long time. Charles wants me to express my feelings to this thing. I know they'll listen to it. I wonder if they use this for blackmail in the future?

"Gee, listen how pathetic Bobby sounds! Tee-hee, isn't it funny?"

I can't help but think about her every day. It's been about four months, well, a bit longer than that. She lived a few doors down from me. And you know, in the beginning we didn't get along at all. It wasn't until after the first time a sentinel attacked the mansion since she came, that I started to see her differently. I held her when she was scarred and I didn't mind it.

Heh, who in their right mind ever minds a beautiful girl crying on their shoulder and holding on to you so tight. After that, I still picked on her with other's around but I tried my hardest to get alone with her. It was during these times I got to know her and eventually wanted something more from her. Kerry took a long time to coax. But when she did came around, wow, I didn't want her to go.

And now?

Now I'm alone again.

She's gone and the last thing I told her was that she was easier to live with if she was dead. I lied. God, I lied. I didn't know what I was saying when I said it. We had both been upset and then—then I said that to her and I can't described the look on her face.

I broke her heart.

I wish I could laugh through this.

I remember when she told me she loved me, I was in shock and she ran. After the shock wore off, I found myself smiling about it. She cared for me that much. She is like Scott, fear-factor there; they both like to keep emotions under lock and key. Although, hehe, I remember some times when she'd jump to the wrong conclusions and make a joke out of herself.

She loved me and the last thing I told her was that I basically wished she was.

Now I'm crying.

Great, I just said I was crying. This will be on record for the rest of my life. Wonderful.

I miss, Kerry. I guess that's what they want me to admit.

But what she wanted to hear?

That I love her? That I only realized that I did after she was gone and I felt like someone had killed me along with her.

I—I am signing off now.

Personal Log: Iceman: Recording: End Session.


Personal Log: Cyclops: Recording: Start Session:

We have decided to close the case on Blyt, having no further information to evaluate. The best we can do is chalk it up to an accident while on the field. Charles and I feel it is for the best. If this was to stay open any longer, it would only serve to instill a false hope to those most attached to her. Bobby and Chris seem to be having the most difficulty adjusting to the facts.

I'm not exactly thrilled about it either, but how many kids have I lost?

Though not blood, Kerry was still our daughter. I still lost another child. Is this some sort of curse? I've lost all the women I ever loved, some repeatedly. Just because it happens a so many time doesn't mean it hurts any less than the first time.

Chris accused me of being heartless. Bobby said it with his looks and snide remarks. Jean understands better than they do, but she still is hesitant toward me on this topic.

I had to leave my children behind, lose them and watch them suffer. No matter how old they get, how distant they become it is still a child. I didn't raise her from infancy, she was sixteen when she became ours, but she was mine. It doesn't take long to fall in love with a child that everyone knows is yours. I never knew how the Professor viewed us until I had Christopher and then I didn't have him anymore. I had Rachel and then I didn't have her anymore. Now, Kerry. Kerry came and now I don't have her anymore either.

There are some wounds time can't heal and the scars that are left are so sensitive that the barest mention of something—

That creature of a stuffed animal of hers fell off the couch while I was vacuuming and I just stood there. I couldn't think for a moment and then Jean came in and I was grateful for my glasses.

There are some things that no one wants to talk about. This is one of them.

My concluding thoughts, this was a great loss. She'll be very much missed, she already is and she always will be.

I just want to let her know, wherever she may be, that she was loved. And that even in the end as in the very beginning, I'm so very proud of her.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you this earlier, Kerry.

Personal Log: Cyclops: Recording: End Session.