Title: When I'm Gone
AN: Roses are red, violets are blue, reviews are wonderful, and so are you (all)!
What, I did poetry…isn't that enough? Oh, sorry…the musical answer. A lot of people got this one right: Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5.
Chapter 8: Caught in the Sun
The next few days she got into Jake's lesson plan a little more thoroughly, and she easily slipped into a routine. While he took tests or did homework, she would clean up around the house or do laundry. It was while she was putting away clothes in his closet that she noticed it, and an idea started to form.
"Josh!" she called down the stairs to him.
He came to the bottom and looked at her.
"Come here a minute."
He did as instructed, and shortly they were in front of his closet. She knelt down and pointed out a small, nearly invisible door in the side wall of the closet.
"See this?" He nodded. "It's a small cubby hole. If anything ever happens, I want you to crawl in here and hide, ok?"
He nodded again and she could see the anguish on his face.
"I'm sure everything will be fine, but just in case. And don't come out for ANYONE except me or Gibbs, got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, now go finish your homework. Later we are going to go out and get some fun stuff to decorate your room."
"Yay!" he yelled and headed downstairs.
She gave the door one last glance and hoped they would never need to use it.
Three weeks passed faster than she thought it would, and before she knew it, she was preparing a small Thanksgiving dinner. The boys were in the living room watching the Lions play the Colts, and from the noises Gibbs made, it appeared to be going well for Detroit.
She and Jake had worked out a nice schedule and aside from a few incidents all was going well. Gibbs had fit in at work quickly, doing what he did best -- protecting people. Kate's relationship with Natalie had grown, and they met practically every other day to have coffee and chat – Kate realizing how much she missed having another woman around. Kate had even met Natalie's boys, Steven and Nicholas. When she heard the younger boy's name, she nearly broke down into tears thinking about her Nick in Florida who was mourning a dead aunt.
Jake seemed to like the other woman also. He also adopted a new name for Gibbs: "Pop". Jake giggled nearly every time he said it, but it was better than nothing…or Gibbs.
She occasionally had bad dreams, as did Jake, but as time passed, the dreams lessened in intensity and frequency. She didn't wake up in a sweat anymore.
She and Gibbs had fallen into an easy routine as well. Predictably, he had refused to give up the couch and she relented, sure that he would come around eventually. Probably when his back gave out.
He wasn't all that bad to have around the house, and was careful to pick up after himself and clean here and there. But she sensed under the surface an underlying tension and she knew why: his boat. He seemed somewhat lost in the evenings without her to work on.
They were closer physically now than before and every day it grew stronger. He was more apt to touch her lightly to get her attention than say her name, or stand close to her first thing in the morning when she started the coffee. A few choice times he had stroked her hair lightly, or moved strands off her face.
She reveled in every touch, every glance sent her way. Her attraction to him was growing too, and it scared her how quickly it happened. Though really…maybe it wasn't all that quickly. They had danced around something since the first day on Air Force One two years ago; even then there was something in the air between them, an electricity Kate ignored until now. When it became too large for a small townhouse to contain.
She opened the oven door and eyed the browning turkey critically -- maybe another hour at the most.
Kate closed the door and turned to find Gibbs standing in the doorway, staring intently at her.
"About thirty minutes and it can come out," she said and took a long drink of the wine she'd opened.
"You need help?" he questioned and moved into the room, leaning against the counter as she peeled potatoes.
She raised one eyebrow at him. "As much as I appreciate the offer, I'm a little afraid of your cooking skills."
He pointed at her hands. "I can peel."
She laughed lightly. "I know the game isn't over yet."
"Halftime."
She shrugged and tossed him a potato and peeler.
For ten minutes they peeled in silence until all the potatoes were cut and ready to be boiled. As Kate dumped their work into the hot water Gibbs cleared his throat and stood.
"Do you have a nice dress?"
She turned and looked at him, cutting board still in hand, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. He thought she looked beautiful. "What?"
"My company is having a holiday party at one of the nicer ballrooms in town, they invited us. It's...formal."
"Really?" she drew out and gave him a look. "You…in a tux? That might be worth the couple hours of boring shop talk."
He rolled his eyes at her. "Apparently its quite the party from what I've heard. Dinner, drinks, the whole works."
"I think I can find a dress."
"Good." He paused a moment. "Wait…what about Jake?"
"I think Natalie would be more than happy to watch him. She adores him and he seems to like her. I'll ask her tomorrow." She put the board in the sink and washed it carefully before placing it on a towel to dry.
"Good."
They stood awkwardly a moment, staring at each other; she could sense he wanted to move toward her, but didn't. Instead she checked the turkey again – it was almost done.
"You may want to go wash up. I just have to finish the taters and then you can cut the bird."
"Kate…."
She turned to him. "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Florida."
She had managed to keep the thought out of her mind for the most part that morning, aside from a brief crying spell in the shower. Why did he have to bring it up? Why did he even have to remember? She didn't want to do this; it hurt too much.
"It's…fine." Her voice was strained as she picked up a potholder and played with it.
He closed in on her. "No, it's not, Kate. It may not be fair to Jake, but it's not fair to you either…"
"Let's not talk about it, ok?" Her voice cracked on the 'ok' and the tears she had managed to keep at bay started to fall silently.
"Kate…" he whispered and moved into her, gathering her up into his arms and placing his cheek on the top of her head.
Much like she had once before, she wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his chest, not for a dead lover, but for a life lost. And like before, he held her until the tears stopped.
Gibbs stroked her hair softly as the sobs subsided, murmuring words of comfort. She was pretty sure she heard him call her "baby" at least once.
Eventually she pulled away and instantly he felt bereft of her warm body.
She waved the pot holder around and sniffled. "God, I'm sorry. This is ridiculous; I shouldn't be breaking down over this."
"It's not easy here, Kate. Not for any of us, and we have to be strong for Jake. You need time to grieve for what you lost, too."
She looked down, thinking. "Yeah…thank you." She looked back up and gave him a genuine smile.
"Anytime, Katie. Anytime."
"Go wash up. It'll be ready soon and you need to carve."
"Ok." He started to turn away, but spun back. "If you need to talk, Kate. I am here."
She nodded and he disappeared out the door.
In short order they had sat down and finished the meal Kate had taken all day to prepare. She had even fished out the wishbone and, after washing it, hung it on the fridge to dry and pull later.
She started to clean up, but was stopped when Gibbs took the plate out of her hand.
"We can clean -- right, little man?"
Jake nodded adamantly. "Yep!"
She looked at them, surprised, but conceded; she was tired. Kate handed over the plate and disappeared into the living room, lying on the couch and quickly falling into a turkey-induced nap.
It was a feeling really, that pulled her from the nap, a sense that someone was watching her. Cracking one eye open, she found Jake staring at her intently, a grin on his face.
"Yes…" she said without moving.
"Momma, Pop said we need a…" the boy struggled for the word and looked to Gibbs for the answer. Kate watched with amusement as her boys conferred a moment. Her boys? When had that happened exactly? "We need a defensive back." He smiled widely, proud of himself.
"He does, huh?" Kate sat up and eyed Gibbs. "What, you couldn't beat me in basketball, so you're trying something new?"
He grinned. "Natalie came over. She and the boys are going to the park to play tag football and she invited us."
"Ok, let me change." Kate got up and headed to her room, quickly swapping her jeans and sweater for a pair of yoga pants, sports bra and lycra top.
Pulling her shoes on, she idly wondered if her brothers were doing this. Every year when the Todd family was together they would play full contact football in her parents' enormous backyard until Mom finished cooking. Even her normally prissy sister got into it. And as the family grew, so did the game. Maybe this year they were mourning instead.
She shook off the thought and pulled a light jacket on, bounding down the stairs and meeting Jake and Gibbs at the door. The three walked to the park, easily finding the Carrera group; the boys had already started practicing. Natalie waved them over.
"Hey! Don't mind the boys, they like full contact practice. But they know to be careful with Josh."
Kate nodded. "You do this every year?"
"Yup, without David though, it's an odd number. So I'm glad you could come."
"Me too…"
"Ok, are we ready? I think Nick is anxious."
Kate smiled and nodded. In short order they had the flags attached to their clothes and were running around the park. The older boys were careful with Jake, seeming to enjoy playing with the younger boy, even flubbing a few tackles for his benefit.
They had stopped keeping score after a while, and Kate was enjoying herself; this was much less painful than her family games, where the next day she was more black and blue than anything.
Eventually she could sense the older boys wanted a full on game and they all needed a rest. Stopping and sitting on a bench, Kate was talking to Natalie while Jake swung on nearby swings when Nicholas came up to them. He had been conferring with his brother and Gibbs, which had her wondering what her boss, dammit-husband, was up to.
"Mrs. Mitchell?" She had been called that several times now, but it still surprised her a little.
"Yes, Nick."
"We were wondering…I mean, we need a fourth person to play contact. Mom won't, but Mr. Mitchell said you probably would."
So much for no bruises.
Kate leaned around the boy and gave Gibbs a look. "Sure. Whose team am I on?"
"Ahhh, mine."
She gave the boy a devious grin. "Good, let's kill them." She turned to Natalie, "Can you watch him?"
"Not a problem, Kate. Enjoy."
The smile not leaving her face, Kate nodded. "Thanks…oh! And remind me to ask you about watching Jake later."
"Will do!" the other woman said as she got up to push Jake.
Kate walked over to the other boys and smiled. "Full contact, huh?"
"Yup," Gibbs responded, an evil grin on his face. He knew perfectly well she was capable of handling herself, but the boys had looks on their faces that clearly conveyed they weren't sure about her joining.
Kate nudged Nick. "Let's go."
The two teams lined up: QB and receiver against two defensive players. Kate and Nick played defense first. The first play Gibbs threw a long ball that went over her head and squarely into Steven's hands, who ran it easily in for a touchdown.
"Yessssss!" the older boy exclaimed.
The teams switched and this time Kate handed off to Nick and bodily-blocked Steven before he could get to his brother. Nick scored and this time spiked the ball. Kate laughed and looked at Gibbs, who was watching her and smiling himself.
She raised her eyebrows at him once as they reset, this time with Gibbs as the receiver. Kate read the run play easily and hit him full force, knocking him squarely to the ground while she stood firm - and upright.
"Second down," she blew out and walked away.
Steven came over and helped up his teammate. "Wow, she's something, John."
"Don't I know it," he muttered and handed the ball over.
Several plays later Gibbs got the chance to pay her back, as she ran out to catch a pass he grabbed her waist, pulling her small body into his - and sending them both off balance. She went tumbling into the leaf covered ground laughing; Gibbs followed and fell next to her, face down.
Kate huffed out a breath and laughed again, not moving from her position on her back. Adrenaline was coursing through her, leaving her with a feeling of being slightly high, and devious. "You know, I swear you just like me on my back."
He raised both eyebrows at her; he could sense the amusement in her tone. Feeling a little mischievous himself he leaned into her ear, his lips just brushing the lobe. "Is it a problem if I do?"
She snapped her head towards him and felt a warm flush run through her body at the words and his nearness.
"I…" She didn't get a chance to finish; the boys had worked their way over by then.
"You guys ok?" Steven asked, mostly looking at Kate.
She ripped her eyes from Gibbs and answered. "Yeah, fine." Getting up, she brushed herself off and took the ball back, throwing it at Nick. "Third down."
They played just the one game and by then the sun was slowly setting. Steven and Gibbs had won, but not by much. The group walked back together, the older boys running far ahead while the adults went slower.
Jake was holding Kate's hand, but chatted, in that kid way, with Natalie. Kate smiled; he really had taken to the other woman, and that released some of the fear Kate had that he would never be able to open to anyone again.
They hadn't discussed the night his parents were murdered in several weeks. Kate didn't want to keep bringing it up, and they had all the information anyway. It seemed cruel really.
At some point Jake ran up to Gibbs and grabbed him by the hand, walking a little ahead of the women. Natalie turned to her and asked about the question Kate had for her.
"Oh! Yeah…John has this holiday work part to go to on December 18th, so I was wondering if you could watch Josh that night. I haven't talked to Josh about it, though."
Natalie's eyes lit up. "I would be delighted to. He is such a good boy, reminds me of my two when they were that age. You have fun…when was the last time you and John got out together alone?"
She gave a tight smile. "Never."
Natalie laughed. "Doesn't it seem that way, though?"
"It does."
By the time they had reached the townhouses and said their goodbyes, Josh was nearly half asleep while walking. Gibbs picked him up and carried him into the house, putting him to bed while Kate changed out of her now grass-stained clothes.
She came out of the bedroom, clothed in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved shirt, as Gibbs closed Jake's door.
"He's down for the count."
She nodded. "I figured - a lot of excitement today."
"Yeah," he said and took another step to her.
Kate swallowed roughly; there was electricity between them now, it was palpable. Her head felt…fuzzy. No man had ever done this to her, made her forget herself and her surroundings so easily.
He reached out one hand and touched her cheek, running a thumb along the soft skin. It felt…sinfully smooth. She looked at him with those huge brown eyes and he was lost in them, in her. Logic and reason took a backseat to instinct and nature. He wanted her -- he wanted her so bad, it was nearly a compulsion, consuming him whenever she was near.
Before his brain could catch up, he leaned in and just barely touched his lips to hers. But it wasn't enough, there might never be enough of Caitlin Todd, and he pressed harder.
She responded to him instantly, pressing her body into his and parting her lips just slightly. His hands roved up into her hair, grabbing lightly, pulling gently, as his lips continued to assault hers.
She groaned low in her throat when his tongue probed at her lips and allowed him access. He tasted of turkey and coffee and…Gibbs.
He pressed her into the wall of the hallway, increasing the intensity of the kiss as he did. She felt so good, just like he had imagined she would – and more. And he had fantasized about this moment, repeatedly. Never at NCIS, always at home in his quiet moments when he wished he had someone in his life.
Like a speeding car suddenly coming to a stop though, the reason this was a bad idea came crashing down around him. He'd had plenty of women in his life, warming his bed, keeping his house. But they never stayed, not one. Failed marriages and failed relationships ruled his life. He was good at the physical aspect, but not at anything else it seemed.
He pulled away from her as suddenly as he had initiated the contact.
"Kate…" he whispered into the darkened hallway.
She looked…confused. "Gibbs…what?"
"I…we can't do this," He stepped back. "It's a bad idea, you know it."
She looked down; she knew it was, but her reasons were vastly different and more practical. But he had felt so good, and just that one kiss left her wanting more, craving him unlike any other. It was an ache in her belly now, one she knew wouldn't just disappear.
"I…know."
"It's too hard, too complicated, Kate."
She looked up at him. "Yeah, wouldn't want it to be more complicated." Gibbs cringed at the hurt in her tone.
"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have…acted the way I did."
She said nothing, just held his eyes. Finally he placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her forehead lightly.
She closed her eyes and sighed as his lips left her skin and she felt him move away from her.
"I'm…going to take a bath," she said quietly and headed to the bathroom.
"Ok." He grasped her arm lightly as she passed him. "This doesn't mean I regret being here with you."
She nodded solemnly and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Kate turned the water on as hot as she could stand it and lowered her aching body into the warmth. Full contact football had been hard on her body; she could only imagine what Gibbs' looked like.
No, that was a bad idea, picturing Gibbs naked.
He had been right…in the hall. It was a bad idea, very bad. What if next week they were called back to DC; it would be so much more complicated. Would they even be allowed to work together? Would one have to leave the department, and possibly NCIS, for good?
Then again, what if they never got out of this? Would she be forced to spend years living in a house with a man she wanted with every piece of her body and soul and never be able to touch him? That was a hard way to live, and eventually something like that was sure to tear their friendship to pieces.
It was the cruelest kind of limbo they lived in now.
But she would rather have him as her friend than as nothing. And if they tried hard enough…
Yeah, right Kate, keep telling yourself that.
She wanted everything: the cake, the icing and the ice cream. Damn the consequences.
Kate dipped her head under the water; it ran down her growing hair in rivulets when she came back up.
But she would respect Gibbs' wishes.
He was right, he was right, he was right, she repeated to herself. Then why does being apart feel so wrong?
He sat on the couch, beer in hand, and watched the highlights of the football game. Trying to do anything but think of her, naked upstairs. Naked and very willing to fall into bed with him.
He needed to be the strong one here; she would follow his lead.
He was the leader, and that was another problem. Even though out here, away from DC, away from their lives, being the leader meant little. She wasn't his subordinate any longer, and technically fair game in a manner of speaking.
It wasn't even their NCIS status that stopped him as much as the thought of Lilly, Grace and Alexa. Three ex-wives. Though at his age, it wasn't a bad year-to-wife ratio. The number meant little; the reason for the dissolution of his marriages was the issue.
"You work too much, Jethro. I never see you anymore. I found someone else"
"I needed you to TALK to me! Not pull this bullshit you do every time I want you to open up!"
"It's too hard, it's just too hard."
Three women, three divorces, three statements. They all boiled down to the same thing: he was a lousy husband. Lilly may have cheated on him, but only because he pushed her to it by never being there. Grace was the one that threw things at him, most notably his nine iron. Alexa…he thought that would last forever; he loved her so much more than the others, he wanted it to work with her. So he tried, maybe not as hard as he should have, until that one damn case came along and that was it for them. Then again, she'd also tried to clobber him with a baseball bat.
Now there was Kate. And the feelings he had for her were even more intense than the ones for Lexie. That scared him more than anything. He couldn't stand the thought of having her, if even for an instant, and then having it turn bad. Because it would.
Eventually he would destroy her. Like all the rest.
He couldn't do that to her, hurt her like that. Couldn't turn her into a bitter woman; she was so much more than that. She was lightness and air and perfection in a small body. And he refused to change that, even to satisfy some carnal desire.
Never. He would be strong.
But even as he made the commitment, Gibbs had a feeling it wouldn't last. She was too much of a force of nature, simply unavoidable.
Eventually he drifted into sleep on the couch, never hearing Kate come down, shut off the TV and cover him with a blanket.
tbc…………………..
