The First Noelle
Five.
The phone rings and I fall into what has now become my routine. I start to mentally count down the rings until the answering machine will click on.
With Niles' condition as dire as it is, and with a newborn sleeping 18 or more hours a day, I have been asked repeatedly by concerned and supportive friends (like Roz), and loving family members (like Frasier, Martin, Mum and even Simon)…
Four.
…who, believe it or not, has called me a few times since Niles has been admitted to the hospital to see how we're both holding up and doing. They have all asked me why I let the machine pick up in case it's one of Niles' doctors calling.
Three.
I know what they are all thinking. That I am just screening the calls so I don't have to deal with anyone I don't feel up to talking to, which, I wholeheartedly admit. But that is not the only reason.
Two.
Or the real reason.
One.
Nobody's home. Nobody's home. Nobody's home, nobody's home,
Nobody's home. Nobody's home, Nobody's home, nobody's home.
We'll call you back if you leave your number after you hear the...
I just dearly miss the sound of his voice.
The recording beep sounds.
"Hey Daph, its Martin. Frasier and I are really worried about you and you know Frasier, he thinks we should talk. And for once, I tend to agree with him. This should be a family decision, and as much as we all love Niles, you and Noelle have the most to lose. Please call us back when you get this message and we'll come over to The Montana and I'll help you put up your tree and Frasier will put up Niles' snow village. And Daph, remember Frasier and I love and care about you and Noelle very much. We'll talk to you soon."
Martin lays a reassuring hand on my own.
"I know this isn't easy for you, Daph. It's not easy for any of us. Luckily, even when Hester was at her worse and near the end, I was never placed in this situation where I had to decide whether or not to…"
"Cause," Frasier butts in. "Mom didn't have a living will telling him what her wishes were, unlike Niles who has categorically expressed to us what his wishes are."
"But, didn't he have Donny draw that up right after he finalized his divorce from Maris?" Martin questions Frasier.
"You're missing the point Dad. It's not a matter of when. It's a matter of honoring a man's, your son's, wishes, and letting him die with the dignity and in the manner in which he has chosen. After all, who are we to play God and go against his wishes?"
"Daphne? What are your feelings on this?"
"I'm sorry, I know that these are Niles' wishes, but I can't, we can't, give up on him. Not just yet. I can't give up on Niles and the strength and power of the love we share."
More softly, I explain from my heart.
"Additionally, I could never forgive myself. Knowing I was responsible for not giving him the chance to come back to us, for not believing in his love for us and for never giving Niles nor Noelle the opportunity to get to know one another. And years from now, how do I sit Noelle down and tell her that I was the one who signed the papers to have them pull the plug on her daddy?"
After checking in on Noelle, I make my way down the first flight of stairs and upon reaching the landing of the stairs I look down on the scene below before joining in.
I smile and softly stifle a giggle.
Like father, like son, Martin is struggling with the lights for the tree. Frasier has, yet once more, rearranged the snow village and is drawing out his sixth possible layout. Over by the fireplace and stringing popcorn for the tree, are Roz and Alice.
The mood, well somewhat festive since it is the holidays and Noelle's first, is also more downcast because of Niles' absence.
I wipe away at the stray tear that has made its way down me cheek and declare to all, in the bravest voice I can muster.
"I know what I'm giving Niles for Christmas…"
To be continued…
