Handheld Hijinks

A South Park and Game & Watch crossover by Father Hulk

A/N: Hooooowdy ho! Father Hulk coming straight at you from the heart of NJ to bring you something that I'm 99.9 percent sure has never been done before… a South Park and Game and Watch crossover! (For those who don't know what a Game and Watch is, it will be explained in chapter 1.) I've tried for years to work these nifty handheld gems into a story, and now, it shall be done. Enjoy!

Prologue

It was the 1980's, a marvelous decade, and one of great accomplishment for the video game industry. Atari was the most popular video game console for the home, and a generation of gamers was born from it. But I am sure that there was one child who woefully said, "Atari is so big and clunky… I can't take it in the car with me, and it won't fit in my pocket… I want a game I can play anywhere I go!" And, his wish was granted. In 1980, a small, rectangular video game called Ball was released by Nintendo. The screen was a liquid crystal display, and there were but two buttons, labeled left and right. The only task the game required was that the man in the center of the screen keep the balls he juggled aloft, by moving his hands left and right. As more points were scored, the pace got faster, thus challenging the gamer greatly. This game also kept time when it wasn't in use, and thus Nintendo christened it a Game and Watch. From that year until 1990, 59 more Game and Watch units were released, each involving simple tasks that got harder as more points were scored, giving birth to the "Panic Style" of games. Many popular games that are found on the NES and others got their humble start as Game and Watch units: Donkey Kong Jr., Ice Climber, even Zelda were all best sellers. There were also other great titles, like Fire, Manhole, Tropical Fish, and Snoopy Tennis. As time wore on, Nintendo began releasing different styles of units. They began with the silver screen, which was rectangular and had a small screen, then introduced the widescreen model, and then the double-screen, in which action happened between a top and bottom or left and right screen. A few units were even released as table-top models, and were in full color. By the time Zelda was released in 1990, the Game Boy was on its way, and so no more Game and Watch toys were made. But they left an impact on an entire generation that will last forever. And now… they seek to do it again.

Chapter 1 A Terrible Accident Location: Nintendo of Japan, 9:00 am GMT

"Sayaki-san!"

"Yes, sir?"

"You must embark on a dangerous mission." Said the lean, dark-haired president of Nintendo.

"Sir?" said Notoshiro Sayaki, the president's second-in-command.

"Do you remember the Game and Watch toys we made over 25 years ago?"

"Yes sir," Notoshiro replied, "They were hugely popular. We made billions."

"They must all be destroyed."

"De-destroyed? Why?"

The president of Nintendo walked to the large picture window and looked out onto the streets of Japan. "This leaves not this room, are we clear?"

"Yes sir!"

The president sighed. "They hold an evil power."

"Evil power?"

"Yes. We made a lot of money because the games were too addictive. Their panic-style play and simple tasks drove people to play almost endlessly… they forgot to eat and sleep… they stayed home from work… some of the die-hards even died from chronic constipation."

"My God," Notoshiro whispered, "I had no idea…"

"The liberal media did a good job of covering it up," the president said grimly. "But we could not escape the truth. Half the profits we made on those toys came from replacement batteries for them."

"Such power… how could we unleash such a force onto the world?"

The president shook his head. "It doesn't matter now. We must worry about destroying them while we still can."

"I'm confused, sir," Notoshiro said. "All the Game and Watch units are locked within our vault… why must they be destroyed?"

"Because the vault is not secure, Sayaki-san."

"Not secure? Have we been robbed before?"

"You fool! How do you think Sega was able to develop a full-color backlit handheld system before us? They stole our plans! So we had to lay low and develop at a much slower rate, so as not to cause a stir."

"I'm sorry sir… I didn't know!" Notoshiro wailed.

"Get ahold of yourself, Sayaki-san!" the President snapped, "You must take with you the 500,000 Game and Watch toys from our vault and load them into three trucks."

Notoshiro nodded. "Then what?"

"Take them to the United States. They must be cast into the Lord High Incinerator, in the state of Nebraska. Only there can they be destroyed."

"I understand."

"Good. Then go."

"Yes sir!"

Notoshiro walked swiftly to the door, then hesitated, turned and said, "Sir, what about those who still have their Game and Watch units?"

The president shook his head. "May God have mercy on their souls."

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Location: South Park, Colorado, 7:45 am, three days later

"All right, children, let's take our seats," said 4th grade teacher Herbert Garrison. "We have a lot to learn today."

Kyle Broflovski, one of the boys in the class, was humming to himself while playing with a stack of POGs. "Check this one out, Stan!" he whispered excitedly to his friend nearby, "I've got the shiny cracked 8-ball!"

"…cool." Stan said half-heartedly. He didn't want to have to tell Kyle that the POG fad was kind of… you know… last month. Much to his dismay, they fat little boy next to him did tell him.

"Man, those things are so lame, Kyle. You may as well be playing with jacks." This got some laughs, and Eric Cartman smiled. Ripping on Kyle was his life.

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? You love POGs! You were always bragging about your huge collection!"

"Yes, well, I was." Cartman said simply.

"That fad is over, man," said parka-wearing Kenny McKormick. "You gotta find the next craze."

Kyle frowned. "But new fads only come to South Park like, once every two years!"

"That's right," Cartman chimed in, "And additionally, if anyone is to stumble onto the next craze, it won't be Jew-balls over there, it will be me!"

"But you're so fat, you stumble on everything!" Kenny said, smiling.

As Stan and Kyle laughed, Cartman sighed and said, "I hate you, Kenny."

"Besides, dude," Stan said, "Even if Cartman does find out what the next new thing is, he can't stop everybody else from having it too."

"You're right," Kyle said, feeling a little bit better.

Before any further conversation could ensue, Mr. Garrison called on Kyle and said, "Kyle, were you paying attention?"

"Yes, Mr. Garrison," Kyle lied.

"All right, then what did I just say?"

"You were telling us about your time with Mr. Slave at The Toolbox over the weekend."

Mr. Garrison glowered for a moment, and then resumed writing on the board, softly muttering "One of these days I'm gonna get one of those little peckers."

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It was some time after school that we find young, pudgy Eric Cartman tricycling down the highway near the mountain, singing softly to himself.

"Gotta find the new craze baby, gotta find it before Kyle, gotta find what kids wanna do, before that dumb old piece of shit Jew… oo hoo hoo oooo…" He had his eyes closed while singing, and when he opened them, he found himself staring into the headlights of a monstrous truck!

"Holy crap!" he gasped, and he leapt off his tricycle just as the truck ran over it, causing it to skid off the road, bash through the metal railing and go tumbling down the hill. The smashed railing was sticking out onto the road now, and two more trucks behind it ran over it and they also went falling. Their rear doors burst open, spilling their contents onto the snow-covered ground.

"Oh shit," Cartman trembled, "They're gonna accuse me of murder! I'm gonna get the chair! Then I won't be able to tease Kyle anymore! Oh, why God? Why?" and then he spotted the spilled contents, and said, "What the hell is that?" He carefully made his way down the hill to investigate.

What was lying on the ground were thousands of rectangular and flip-open toys. Cartman picked one up. "Manhole… made by… Nintendo? Hey, these are games!" he exclaimed with glee. He picked up another one. "Donkey Kong II? Wow, this has two screens!" He discarded it for another. "Tropical Fish? Turtle Bridge? Chef? Wow, there must be like, a million of these things!"

"Uhhnnn…" moaned a low voice from behind him.

"What the hell?" he wondered, turning around. One of the truck drivers, bleeding heavily, was crawling towards him.

"De…destroy them…" the man coughed.

"Destroy them? Why?" Cartman snapped.

"Evil… power…" the man vomitted, then continued, "Too… addictive… people played and played."

"Hmm… you don't say?" Cartman said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Please! You…must….aghhh…" the truck driver collapsed at Cartman's feet.

"Evil power, huh?" Cartman wondered. "I wonder if…" He searched the pile and picked up one called Donkey Kong Jr. and began playing.

Location: The exact same place, a day and a half later

Cartman continued to jam on the buttons, his eyes bloodshot, his body trembling. Finally, the batteries died, and Cartman gently lowered the game to the ground.

"My God… these ARE addicting. I bet if kids saw how cool they were, they would want more… and that means…" he paused, and an evil sneer appeared on his face. "Yes…. YES! YES!" He threw himself backwards and rolled on the pile of Game and Watch's.