Ender blinked, too stunned to respond intelligently to anything. He sat upright and waited for Bean to come. Ender had heard Bean's voice, he had just been talking to Bean. Barely talking, but still talking. Still nearer to Bean than he'd been to any other person for a year. Fitting, that Bean was the only on who had seen through the wall, if only a bit, to Ender's humanity. Fitting that now he should bring him back to life.
The boarding door began to slide open with a slithering sound, revealing the interior of Bean's tiny ship, the only spacecraft he could get. It was old, full of outdated equipment and overlarge displays. Ender looked closer, straining his eyes to try and find Bean. Then, the control chair turned around, squeaking slightly. Ender was amazed. Bean had grown fast. He was at least six inches taller than when Ender had last seen him. Bean stepped forward, with what looked to Ender like hesitation. But it couldn't be hesitation, not from Bean. Not form the soldier who demanded a toon the first day of practice. Yet there he was with a distinctly timid and dubious expression displayed on his face.
Ender stood up and let out a long breath. Why was it so hard to let the air in and out? Awkwardly, he tried to smile, and ended up with something more of a grimace. He'd known he would eventually have to face people again, but he'd expected to have time to prepare, to know what to say and do. Bean had come upon him so fast, it was all he could do to stand there, silent.
Finally, Bean managed to squeak out something of a greeting. Ender couldn't tell what exactly he had said, but he knew the intent was to greet him. Ender moved forward, his breath becoming shorter and shorter as his nerves began to spin further and further out of control. He opened his arms and embraced Bean, at first limply, but then firmly. He had missed Bean, if not anyone else. They let go after what seemed a second and an eternity simultaneously. The ambivalence was killing Ender. He knew he should say something, but what? Bean beat him to speaking.
"Been a long time, neh?"
Ender rearranged his face into what he hoped was a rueful grin. Bean cracked a smile in return, hoping to slowly undo the years that so obviously damaged him into this state of solitude.
Ender considered, and decided that for now, humor was the best form of communication.
"Still smaller than a bean."
Bean laughed and sat down in an empty chair near the command chair. For now, that was progress. At least Ender could still joke. Calculating, analyzing, he scanned the room with his radar-like gaze, trying to pick up on any scrap of information he could. Ender sat down in his command chair again and watched Bean scan the surroundings, as he had seen him do many times. Bean realized he was drifting off and tried to steer them back to conversation.
"So where is this thing headed?"
"Don't know yet. I suppose I'll find out."
"You're gonna run out of supplies. Eventually, you have to land somewhere."
"I've got a good fifteen years left."
"And then it'll be centuries after everyone you know is dead."
"So?"
"Don't you care about anyone, Ender? Your sister is out on the colony ship, crying her eyes out for you, everyone from battle school is looking for their hero from the skies, and Earth is falling apart. They need you now, while you're off on your little solitary jaunt into uncharted space."
"Bean, someone else will take care of it. They don't need me, they only think they do. There's someone who'll come along to take care of humanity. I'm done with carrying the world on my shoulders. It's not fair, I don't want to kill anymore! I don't care what wars are going on down on Earth, I don't want any part of it. Everyone worships me, I'm their savior, but I'm really just the monster who destroyed an entire race of sentient beings."
"You were tricked, you thought it was only a game!"
"It doesn't matter. I still did what I did."
Bean stared off, trying to come up with answer that would assuage his guilt, but nothing came to mind. It was seemingly hopeless, but Bean knew that he had come to do the impossible, and was fully expecting to carry out his task. It was what he did.
