Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation or any of its characters.
I don't know how it happened, when it happened, or even what had happened. But it did. And I was stuck. For the first time in my whole life since Nittle Grasper and my own record label, I was stuck. In hot, sticky mud up to my neck. It was stifling.

At first when the thought came to me, I pushed it aside, dismissing it. I didn't expect it to come back with a vengeance, stronger every time. But it did. And when it finally broke through my rather stubborn skull, I was stunned. The next few days, weeks even, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I felt.

Was I angry? A little, I guess. At myself mostly, for allowing it to happen and for not being able to foresee it to stop it, if I could have.

Was I happy? Elated at my new discovery? … I'm not sure about this one. But it did feel… nice. (Thank my twenty year education for me to come up with that word.) It was even better than when I earned my first million or when Grasper went to number one with their debut song for seven weeks in a row, the second coming soon after.

Was I surprised? To put it lightly. I was absolutely shocked out of my mind.

I was in love with Shindou Shuichi.

Thinking back on it, I didn't realize I was that shocked. Guess my mind just went numb. But I remember rather vaguely that the first thought in my mind after staring wide-eyed at the large stain that was quickly making itself permanent on the countless contracts I had yet to sign on my table, due to the coffee I had not so gracefully spat out of my mouth at the 'moment of enlightenment', for more than a few minutes, I am sure, was: "I am?"

And then, "I am."

Then, "Wow."

And after a little more mindless staring at the brown stain and blurry words, all was fuzzy and hazy with thoughts of the young black-haired singer with a very sultry voice and a … a…ahem…very…sultry…sexy…. …

Right. So I was shocked.

Then after that mind-boggling part, when I had officially and unknowingly pushed back the signing-on of a new singer to our company, was over, I stood up to go outside to tell my secretary to get more copies of those now-brown documents and to get someone to clean up the place.

I poured myself a large cup of the strongest liquor I had (At least I think it was. Too preoccupied with my thoughts to care), sat down own my favourite velvet chair as I registered in a very distant corner of my mind that someone was cleaning up the mess at my desk and thinking he better not touch anything he shouldn't, and thought, "Why him?"

I mean, granted, the boy was good-looking and had a good voice. But if I wanted looks I wanted that I could have gone to Ryuichi. Ryu's style suits me even more. Or Eiri. He couldn't sing but he did have the looks. And I was near-obsessed with him and his well-being as most people viewed it anyways.

'Maybe it's a rebound.' I thought. I had, after all, not long ago just signed the divorce papers with Mika and maybe I had a change in my taste. Shuichi was obviously more of the receiver than the aggressor (Eiri wouldn't have liked that.). But I doubted so. You couldn't have a rebound if you didn't feel sad about it.

Mika-san was a wonderful woman. Too wonderful, in fact. But I couldn't bring myself to love her, and her, me. It was an arranged marriage and that was exactly how it was for the next thirteen years – arranged and unemotional. I am sure it is apparent for after so many years as husband and wife, I still add a formality to her name. The only feeling at the end was relief for both of us. We were lucky to end it this agreed and peaceful way than to have a fiery one. Uesugi-san wasn't so happy though. But he wasn't happy a long time ago when we allowed his only two sons to do as they wish and not carry on the family line. It is actually quite ironic now how, just two years back, I was trying to tear Eiri and Shuichi apart, then approve of their relationship then now try to break them up again. I am damned to be the obstacle between their relationship. And I've just decided recently that I want to be a very good and strong one.

However, I feel regretful I have to betray Eiri's feelings like that. I still blame myself for what happened to him. I shouldn't have brought him there in the first place and now he's such a bitter person. But it's been almost ten years since then. He has gotten over it. I am sure. I have known him for almost all my life and all of his. I know he no longer thinks about what happened that time much. And I know Shuichi was the one to help him do that. I watched him change after Shuichi came into his life. Watched as he remembered. Watch as he relived. And watched as he left it behind as he walked on.

He owes Shuichi too much, but he's not giving it back. And I owe him no more than what I can and have given him.

I talked to Eiri a few days ago and I tried to make him see. Quite a futile attempt, as always. He was always too stubborn for his own good. It runs in the family, trust me. And he never listens to me. Even his sister has to threaten him every time she wants him to do something as simple as go buy groceries. I doubt asking him to give up his lover is any easier.

But even now, as I pull up in front of the two-story modern accommodation where Shuichi and Eiri live, and turn to my current love, I see that messy mop of black hair and lovely face and lovely eyes that were now hooded as they looked down at his lap, and I fall in love all over again.

I thought I loved Mika-san. I thought I had love Ryuichi. I should have loved Eiri. But now I know I love the one and only Shindou Shuichi.

And I know I'm hurting him, by forcing my selfish love upon him, but I have no choice. I cannot lose him. Especially not to Eiri.

"Shuichi," I love his name on my tongue.

He looks up and around, seemingly to realize only now that we had stopped and where we were. A shadow comes over his bright eyes that light up my life. Either because we are home, too soon, or that we are home, and Eiri would see. I hope it is the former. But I won't guess too much because a second later, the shadow was gone, mostly. He looks up at me and seems a little lost at what to say, how to act. He knows he had done something he shouldn't have and he looked like a child not wanting to go into the room to tell his parents what that he had just broken their antique vase and caused a huge domino of toppling and crashing things.

But he has to. And although I caused him to be in this predicament in the first place (I'm part of it) he has to face it himself. I feel almost cruel.

I put my hand on his shoulder and smile at him. To encourage him, I say, but I feel like I'm pleading a little. He just looked at me, and then turned around to open the door and get out of the car. My hand lifts up slightly but didn't withdraw, reluctant to let him return to that house – to that man, and unwilling to lose the warmth of that touch.

And with one final glance backward, Shuichi turns the doorknob and enters the dim insides of the house, closing the door behind him.


I actually finished this last week or earlier, but had to edit it. Like I said, I wasn't all that happy with it. Neither am I now, I don't think it brought out the passion I wanted Tohma to have. He just seems...stoned here. I dunno. Shuichi's gonna be hell.

Pls review.

GD