DISCLAIMER. Song I Wish by Semisonic, not by me.
I Wish.
I Wish I could be anyone but the one that I am now,
I Wish I see any scene but the one I hang around,
I wish I could do anything but the things I always do,
No matter how I try to sing along
Something is always wrong
What I wish I knew.
I wish I could drive in the car that you drive away the bay
I wish I could ride in the back seat your riding in today
I wish I could be more like someone you wish that I could be
No matter how I change in anyway
You won't even say
If you really want me,
I can try to please you,
Get down on my knees for you,
Go outside and freeze for you
Cross the high seas for you
Whatever you need me to
I could climb the trees for you
Twist in the breeze for you
But the one thing that I can never do
I can't believe for you
I can't believe in me for you.
3 Years later:
She sat on the couch, her knees up around her chest. Her faded college sweater was pulled down over them. To her right was a bucket of popcorn, to her left was a stack of magazines.
The television screen glowed as she drank another glass of wine. She was already down one bottle. She untangled herself from her cocoon and went to the fridge in her tiny studio apartment to get another bottle out. Her eyes never left the screen as she watched it intensely from her vantage point in the kitchen. Struggling to open the bottle with her expensive bottle opener, she tossed it aside for an older version. There were many examples of that in her life. New, shinny objects that never worked as well as their old, worn out counterparts.
Suddenly she grabbed the bottle and raced back to the couch.
'Welcome back to E's coverage of the 87th Annual Academy Awards. I'm your host Jenny Silvers and things are just getting started here in Hollywood tonight in what promises to be an evening packed full of Hollywood glamour and style.'
Her eyes remained transfixed to the screen as she watched the camera pan out, showing the man she had waited all evening to see.
'I'm here now with Best Director nominee Dawson Leery, Dawson how are you this evening?'
He smiled confidently, his companion firm on his arm. He was dressed the part too, tuxedo and neatly styled hair. His California tan was noticeable to her but probably not to everyone else.
'I'm great Jenny, looking forward to a special night,'
'How do you think you are going to do this year? After missing out last year on Best Director for 'Love Lost Again', do you think you have a better chance this year?'
He laughed, brushing aside his interviewer's concerns.
'To be honest with you Jenny, I have no idea how this evening is going to pan out. It's just an honour to be nominated once more.'
'So who are you wearing tonight?'
'Armani, top to toe. They insisted and it makes life easier to get everything in one place!'
The camera shot widened to show his companion. Her tan was even more obvious than his, obvious in that her tan was fake and not real. Her dress was classy but slightly sluttish, long and flowing but with a plunging neckline. Her hair was pinned up into an architectural style, hard and pointy. She smiled thinly as the attention drew onto her.
'And this is your beautiful wife Gretchen. Are you looking forward to this evening?'
'Of course, I get to see the man I love in his element,' she replied quickly, looking uncomfortable with the attention.
'So who are you wearing? Give us a spin!'
Gretchen stood still, not pandering to the interviewer's request.
'The dress is Williamson and the shoes are Gina. The bag is a family heirloom from home,' she said, continuing to smile thinly.
'So Dawson, how do you think 'Finding you,' is going to do overall? It been nominated in 5 categories,' she said, getting the hint that Gretchen was not going to offer any more titbits.
'Well I hope, as all directors do, that it's been well received. I would like some recognition to go to the actors. Natalie Portman was amazing, as she always is,'
He smiled again, showing his now Hollywood perfect smile.
'Well good luck Dawson, let's hope it's your year!' the interviewer said, winding the interview up.
'Thank you Jenny,' he said politely and then was escorted away by a multitude of PA's and PR men.
She pressed mute on the television and poured herself another glass of wine. Drinking in one luxurious sip, she drained her glass and started to refill it when the phone buzzed.
'Hello?'
'Did you just see that!' Audrey cried down the phone
'Yes I just saw that.' She answered slowly, unwilling to get in another conversation like this with her friend.
'He looks better than last year doesn't he?
'She looks more fake than last year,'
'Cosmetic surgery, it's the cancer of Hollywood.' Audrey herself was a seasoned pro of Hollywood, having starred in one season of The Creek.
'Call me when the nominations are read out okay?'
'Sure, bye,'
'Bye'
She hung the phone up and pulled herself back into her comfortable corner, grabbing the popcorn.
She had been doing this every year for the last 3 years, ever since she heard about how famous he had become from Bessie at home. She had, up until that point, avoiding reading scandal sheets or watching Entertainment Tonight.
When she last saw him he was about to get his big break, his film partnership with Spielberg after the success of his television show. They talked about it over dinner that last night.
His choice of Gretchen was obvious if not shocking to her. He'd told her he had only ever loved three women in his life and with Jen gone, her and Gretchen were the only ones left.
He'd even joked about them becoming brother and sister in law, if she had married Pacey. His joke fell flat on the floor when she revealed he had left her for Andie. Left her was actually a bit misleading. Came home to find them screwing on the couch would have been more accurate.
It was at that moment when the conversation had changed. Turned from being two old friends catching up to two adults flirting across a table in a dimly lit restaurant. It didn't matter about Gretchen. It didn't matter about Pacey. It was all about them at that moment.
The show started the same way it had done for the last 10 years. An embarrassing song and dance routine done by an increasingly over the hill Billy Crystal. He picked on the famous people in the crowd, picked on the titles of the films and then almost had a hernia doing some kind of stupid stunt.
It was getting lame. Really lame.
She could tell Dawson felt the same way when they cut to of a shot of him sitting in the audience, a pained expression on his face. He never bought into the Hollywood crap. She knew that. Gretchen, on the other hand, seemed to love it. The attention, the power, the money. None of it all hers but she wore it like she had earned it. Where the truth was she had married it.
Joey didn't go to the wedding, although most of Capeside did. Gretchen arranged an over the top affair in their Hollywood mansion, complete with orchestras and rose petals. Audrey said that most of the Capeside folk looked uncomfortable or confused and the Hollywood contingent looked bored.
Her invitation had never arrived; Bessie's neither for that matter. Bessie was soon back on the guest list the minute she alerted Gail to the discrepancy. But Joey didn't care. She wouldn't have wanted to be there, wherever it may have been and whomever he may have been marrying. Gail tried to get her to come, going as far as travelling to New York to see her. But Joey lied about work and commitments and not having enough money. Gail reluctantly gave up, a part of her knowing she may have lost her surrogate daughter forever. Amy and Lily got to be flower girls, Amy telling Joey that the dress was itchy and Gretchen was mean. Dawson had Jack as a best man, things between him and Pacey never being the same. Pacey went, of course with new wife Andie by his side, her pregnant stomach the final nail in any reconciliation Joey and Pacey may have had. But Joey didn't want that anyway. 'True Love' was actually scared, lonely people clinging to one another until something better came along. It had always been.
The wedding went without event or drama and Gretchen became Gretchen Leery. In a matter of a day, Joey drew a line under her old life and started a new one. She moved apartment. Only one floor up in her building but it was enough to make a change. She got promoted at the publishing company, to chief editor in charge of romance/drama. She swapped her long, chestnut looks for a short, dark brown style, long at the front and flicked at the back. She traded in her twin sets and warm colours for edgy, stylish outfits. Her glasses became a permanent fixture on her face. And she cut ties with as much of Capeside as she could bear.
She didn't go home for the holidays, rather had Bessie, Bodie and Alex to see her. The same went for Amy, Doug and Jack. Audrey was excluded from all this. She was her only friend in New York who knew of her past and had promised to keep it's rocky history a secret. Audrey still saw Dawson, was a regular on the show until he killed her character off. A move that Audrey was sure was not his decision.
She still heard bits about Dawson's new life from Bessie, who heard it from Gail. Gail didn't see much of him anymore. He never came home and when she went over to him, he would always end up being tied to work or a function that Gretchen had lined him up. In the end she just saw him on vacations.
Joey's life wasn't without love. She had several boyfriends, mostly casual things she would throw on like a new jacket. She hadn't been in love. She spent her evenings working or watching television and her weekends writing a novel, loosely based on her experiences as a child in Capeside.
She was lonely, although she would not admit it to anyone.
She watched attentively as the show unfolded, Dawson's film only winning the one award so far and that was for Best Actress for Natalie Portman. She gushed on about what a wonderful director he was, supportive and loving. Dawson blushed while Gretchen fumed.
Finally, it got to the award she had been waiting for.
Julie Roberts strode across the stage in her evening gown, a formal and respectable gown befitting someone her age. Her phone rang.
'Hello?'
'This is it!' Audrey squeaked down the phone.
'I know,'
'Do you think he will thank me in his speech?'
'No idea,' Joey said, watching the screen intensely. 'Shss, they are reading out the nominations.
'And the nominations for Best Director are:
Forest Whitaker for Phenomenal Year
Tom Cruise for All About Us
Martin Scorsese for Underground
Matt Damon for The Train
And Dawson Leery for Finding You,'
Each nomination was met with a round of applause but Dawson got the best response. Dawson smiled at the camera as all of the clips of the films started to show.
'He looks so relaxed, how does he do that?' Audrey said when the clips started.
'He's been here before remember? He's a Hollywood pro now,'
Natalie Portman's face filled the screen, a scene that Joey had seen repeatedly. She was crying while destroying a room in a rage. Her lead actor, some guy from Dawson's tv show, stood and watched. Suddenly she laughed out loud and threw herself onto him. The clip ended and the applause started again.
'This is it…' Audrey said.
'And the Oscar goes to…..Dawson Leery for Finding You!'
Joey caught her breath, hearing Audrey screaming down the phone in excitement.
Dawson, his face a sea of calm just moments before, jumped alive. He leaned over to Gretchen and kissed her on the cheek, haphazardly missing her lips. Gretchen held onto his arm tightly, as if she wanted to get a proper kiss but Dawson was being pulled away by his cast and crew who surrounded him.
Slowly he walked up to the stage, the audience on their feet clapping wildly. Joey couldn't help but cry softly.
He got to the podium and kissed Julia on the cheeks, like everyone in Hollywood seemed to be doing. She handed him his Oscar and he looked on it in amazement. Audrey's screaming had now got to the point where Joey placed the phone on the side table, so it would not be in her ear.
'Wow. I'm….I'm lost for words. I know everyone says this but I was not expecting this. I've been nominated with some incredibly talent directors. I respect each and everyone one of them so thank you for your support. Hmmm… first I better say thank you to my cast and crew, Natalie, Tom and Kerr. You guys were amazing and you brought my script alive so thank you. Miramax, my agent and everyone at Creek Films. I've got to thank Steven Spielberg for being an inspiration and a role model for me since I was a child.
Who else! Arhh I'm not used to this. '
The audience laughed, more than willing to indulge the young director. The screaming had stopped and so Joey picked the phone up to her ear once more.
'You calmed down yet?' she asked while the audience laughed.
'No, you?'
'I better thank my Mom and my sister Lily for always being there for me. My father, who is no longer with us, for providing me with guidance and faith constantly, Mmmm Jack, Doug, Amy, Bessie, Bodie, Alex, Andie, Pacey and Audrey for being the best friends and family I've ever had .I want to dedicate this to the memory of my friend Jen who was the inspiration behind the film and of course to my wife Gretchen.'
The shot cut to Gretchen smiling at the stage, a slightly annoyed face playing on her face.
'He thanked me! Wahoo!' Audrey started screaming again.
The audience clapped politely and the music started but Dawson continued speaking.
'Finally I want to dedicate this to my soul mate, my best friend. She inspired me to be a film maker and was the inspiration behind The Creek and Love Lost Again. I love her dearly and want her to know that I've finally made a film she could be proud of. So thank you Joey.'
Joey lost her grip on the phone and let it drop to her side. There he was, the love of her life, the man she had left. There he was thanking her for his Oscar. He was on the brink of tears, his eyes full. He held the Oscar in the air and the music reached its crescendo.
The shot cut to his wife and the controlled scowl that was crossing her face. She applauded gently and slowly, never taking her eyes off him as he walked across the stage.
'Who, Gretchen honey, I hope you know who this Joey person is….I can smell a divorce!' Billy Crystal quipped as he started the next segment.
'Joey? Joey? JOEY!' Audrey screamed down the phone. But Joey couldn't hear her. She was in the bathroom vomited violently.
