Actions Of The Desperate

I saw him.

I saw him three weeks ago. I saw him then and haven't gone back since. Don't take me wrong; even though it kills me to see him sometimes, it hasn't been on my own free will. I'm heading home now. I'm sitting here, looking out of the window next to me and just watching the clouds fly by. I'm gonna go see him tomorrow, but as for tonight, I'm going to walk into my house and pass out on the couch. I don't think I'll make it up the stairs to my room, even if I tried.

I stare out the window, looking at nothing in particular…just thinking. I remember he used to do the same thing when we traveled together. He would just sit and think. I wish I had known what went on inside his head. Maybe he wouldn't have ended up the way he did.

But I know that's not true. I made him that way. And even if it wasn't fully my fault, I know I cut the last thread of his sanity. I will still, always, blame myself.

It's a heavy burden to carry…knowing you drove someone crazy. Not just someone, but your baby brother, your partner in life, the man you love. And not just metaphorically speaking either, but literally drove them crazy.

I made him retreat back into himself, and up until the last time I saw him, I didn't think I could ever reverse what I did. But, that last time, I saw him. I saw the old Jeff Hardy. The Jeff I used to know and love.

I saw a spark of hope.

He saw me.

He saw me and he knows I'm here. But how do I get out of this?

You can't.

Shut up…it's your fault to begin with. You want me to stay here.

Well I don't want to stay. I want to go home. I want to be with my Matty.

You can't.

Yes I damn well can…and I will. I've been hearing the doctors talk. They say I'm getting better. So, na na na na na!

You're not.

Shut up. I'm not listening to you.

Yes, you are.

La la la! I can't hear you.

Yes, you can.

Okay, fine, I can. But, you're wrong. I'm going home. I'm getting away from this. I'm getting away from YOU!

No, you're not. You never will.

I'm going home.

No, you're…

Matt naked and tied to my bed… Matt naked and tied to my bed… Matt naked and tied to my bed…

You can't ignore me. And Matt doesn't want you.

YES HE DOES! YOU SHUT UP!

He doesn't love you. He threw you away and left you here.

SHUT UP! MATT LOVES ME!

No, he doesn't.

SHUT UP!

Make me.

Maybe I will.

Yea, okay…try.

Maybe…I…will.

He looked around hazily, his vision blurred by the tears in his eyes. He stood within blackness, only staring down at the ground. What lie there, were his roses.

His beautiful, ruby roses.

His ruby roses, soaked in the crimson of his blood.

His eyes burned as he wiped away the tears, a new substance filling his eyes. His hands…

His hands, he noticed as his vision cleared, were covered in blood.

He glared back down at the blood-covered roses as they slowly disappeared and faded into the darkness…

I bolted straight up in bed, sweating and breathing heavy. That's the third time this week I've had that dream. I'm not sure what it means, but it scares me to think.

I shake the feeling and wipe the sweat from my face. I need to get ready. I have to go see him today.

It's going to be different this time. I've thought about this since the last time I was there. I know he's in there…and I'm going to bring him back out.

What are you doing?

Shutting you up.

Where did you get that?

From one of the doctor's offices. Now be quiet…I need to concentrate.

So, you think you're so fucking smart?

I said shut up.

No. I will be the last thing you hear whether you like it or not.

Oh, would you stop already? I've had enough of you. I'm going home.

Why? Matt doesn't want you there. He doesn't love you anymore.

Yes, he does. And I'm going to be with him…home, where I belong.

You belong here.

Nope…not paying attention to you.

You're a fucking idiot. He doesn't love you.

NO! Matt loves me. He loves me…he loves me…he loves me.

It's weird. The drive seems longer. I guess, last time, I wasn't fully conscious. I wonder what he'll be like today. The doctors that work with him say he seems to be better. Not much, but still progressing.

I mean, when he was first put there, he didn't say two words to anyone. But, lately, they say he's been fighting back. I think they said, something like, he's fighting himself. He locked himself away and now he's trying to fight his way back.

And I intend on helping him come out of his shell. I'm going to help him come back to me.

I stop at the florist and get him a bouquet of roses. I know he'll love them, even if he just sits there, silently picking the petals off.

When I get back into my car, I place the flowers on the passenger seat, and stare at them for a second. It's like they are taking his place for right now, sitting where he usually sat. I smile and pull back onto the road.

"You'll be back here Jeff. I promise."

Are you still…there?

You are…such a…a… little…shit.

Ha…you can't…ev…even talk…right.

Neither…can…you……dumbass.

Shut up. You'll be…gone s…sss….soon.

If I go…you..g...go with…me.

Nope…M…M…Mmatt needs…me.

No…he hates…y..y..you.

He…loves…me.

I just finished speaking with the doctor and now I'm winding my way through the empty halls of the institution. I can't wait to see him. For once, there is a shred of hope and even a small bounce in my step.

I finally reach his door and my stomach does weird jump as I touch the handle.

Nerves.

I step inside, needing to see him again.

What I see makes me stop right in my step and half gasp, half sob.

He's lying there; face pale, eyes dead, the only color on his ghostly pale skin is the smeared burgundy marks across his arms.

I drop to my knees and crawl over to his. I don't care about the blood that is now all over me, or the roses that fell from my hands. I pick up his head and place it in my lap and he looks at me.

"Matty?"

"I'm right here Rainbow,"

"You..s…ss..see me?"

"Yes baby, I see you,"

"I…I…finally…s…shut….him….up,"

"Who?"

"The..v…vv…v…voice…in…m…mmmy….head,"

"I love you, Jeff,"

"I…love…y..y..you…tt…too, M….Mmatty,"

I see it before it gradually fades away. I saw the sparkle, the Jeff I knew…I saw it right before it faded…before he faded.

I look at him and lay his head down, but I can't stand up. I can barely see through my tears. I wipe my eyes and they sting suddenly as the blood from my hands pierces my vision. When my vision eventually clears, I'm staring at the floor. I'm staring at the flowers I dropped and the slow moving crimson river that flows from his body.

A crimson river that is gradually flowing onto his beautiful, ruby roses.