Title: Diagon Burning (6/20)

Author Name: 1eyedjack

Rating: R

Summary: Chapter 6: Draco and Pansy make a bet, Harry makes a supposition, the Gryffindor Quidditch team sucks and the chapter isn't over until the Fat Lady whines. Twice.

DISCLAIMER: JKR and her publishers own the characters. We just play with them. Canon information, as always, comes from the Lexicon.

Author notes: Huge thanks to reviewers and to emerald123 and Oli and co. for the betas. Naodrith and Alissa Raboin looked over earlier versions of the fic. Katja021 also provided invaluable expertise.

Diagon Burning

Chapter 6:
Much Ado About SPEW

"Where were you last night?" Hermione whispered to Harry as he sat down to breakfast the next morning.

"Out," he said, reaching across her for the toast.

"Stop being evasive, Harry."

"I'm not."

"Being evasive? Yes, you are. Tell us where you were. Ron wants to know, too."

Half hiding behind the platter of sausages, Ron was pretending very obviously that he hadn't heard Hermione. "I'm looking forward to Herbology today, aren't you, Harry?" he said.

Hermione looked about ready to start shouting at him, so more to prevent an argument than anything else, Harry cut her off with, "I was at a meeting for the Order of the Phoenix."

Both of their jaws dropped. "The Order of the Phoenix?" Ron said.

"So that's why Lupin was here," Hermione said.

"Lupin was here?" Ron looked confused.

Hermione waved him quiet. "Let Harry talk."

"Why weren't we invited to the meeting?" Ron asked.

"I suspect it was your mother," Hermione said.

"Yes, but your mother isn't in the Order of the Phoenix, and you weren't invited either."

Hermione turned pink. "Why don't you let Harry talk now, Ron."

"So what's it like being a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Shh, Ron, not so loud," Hermione scolded, although she too looked at Harry expectantly.

He spread some marmalade on his toast. "I didn't join."

They looked at each other. "What do you mean you didn't join?"

"It was a big load of wank." Harry took a bite of toast to avoid looking at either of them. "So I decided not to join."

The post flew in and the Prophet dropped in front of Hermione. "But Harry," she was saying, "everyone is in the Order."

"Not everyone," he replied.

She looked at him, almost amused. "There's Lupin, Ron's parents—"

"Bill and Charlie," Ron added.

"Professor Dumbledore and—"

"What does the paper say?" Harry said loudly.

Hermione looked at him suspiciously as she unfolded the Prophet.

DUMBLEDORE HARBORS WEREWOLF AT HOGWARTS,
AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CONFIRMS

There was a black and white picture of Lupin, his lip curling in an uncharacteristic growl.

"GRAMPIAN, SCOTLAND—The Prophet received an alarming tip yesterday that this dangerous, delinquent werewolf was seen prowling the corridors of Hogwarts in the company of none other than the Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter—" Hermione began.

Harry pushed his toast away. "I'm not hungry."

Ron picked up Harry's toast and took a bite. "How could those bastards know about Lupin being here? I didn't even know about Lupin being here."

"Isn't it obvious?" Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "Lupin walked right in to NEWT Potions."

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Snape." He turned to the staff table. Snape's customary seat next to Avery was empty. He grabbed the Prophet.

"Harry, I don't think Snape—" Hermione began, but he was already gone.

-

Harry kicked Snape's office door open.

Snape didn't even look up from the pile of essays he was grading. "Fifteen points from Gryffindor, Potter, for unauthorized breaking and entering." He wrote a large, red D on the paper in front of him.

"What's this?" Harry slammed the Prophet on top of Snape's essays.

Snape set down his quill. "The newspaper, Potter, or can't you read?"

"Why the hell did you tell the Daily Prophet Lupin was here?"

Snape seemed taken aback for an instant and then, nonsensically, he started to laugh. It was the first time Harry had ever seen any expression on Snape even approaching a smile and it was incredibly disconcerting. "You are more dense, Potter, than I had ever thought possible. In fact, you may beat your father in terms of sheer stupidity."

Harry's ears burned. "What does that have to do with you selling out Lupin?"

Snape smirked at him. "Let's think about this, shall we?"

"There's nothing to think about." Harry snapped.

"Typical." Snape's smirk approached the delighted. "I see I am going to have to walk you through this, Potter."

"There's nothing to walk through."

"On the contrary. What could I possibly gain by selling out Lupin?"

"Exactly what you gained by telling the entire school he was a werewolf three years ago," Harry said. "Nothing."

Snape shrugged. "I was saving innocent lives."

"Bullshit."

"Language, Potter," he said. "Since you are incapable of putting two and two together on your own, I see I have to spell it out. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but I am not the Prophet's anonymous source. I wish I had been. Your anger is really quite gratifying."

"You're lying."

"Potter, think," Snape snapped. "I am a member of the Order. Whatever my personal feelings towards Remus Lupin might be, I would not expose him and through that, the Order's ability to meet here."

"No one else saw him," Harry argued. "He didn't go anywhere but into NEWT Potions."

"And by doing so all but wrote that article himself."

"Because you saw him!"

Snape pushed the Prophet aside in exasperation. "Potter, have you ever thought about your classmates in NEWT Potions—and which of them would be more than delighted to cause trouble for you and Professor Dumbledore?"

At that moment, the door to Snape's office swung open and Draco Malfoy stuck his head in.

Harry suddenly felt very stupid.

"Oh, hello, Potter," Malfoy said cheerfully. "More Remedial Potions?"

Harry grabbed the paper off of Snape's desk and brandished it in the general direction of Malfoy's head. "You'll need a remedial face if you don't keep out of my life, Malfoy. How's that?"

"Ten points from Gryffindor for a nauseatingly predictable insult, Potter," Snape declared. "Now what did you want, Mr. Malfoy?"

"I was just going to invite you to the first meeting of SPEW, sir," Malfoy said. "It's tonight at 7:30 in Professor Vector's classroom and we'd be honored if you attended." He looked at Harry. "You can come too, Potter. We're giving out free biscuits."

"Oh well, if there's biscuits, then I'll be there," Harry sneered.

"I will come if I finish my essays in time," Snape said, gesturing to the pile of papers on his desk.

Malfoy nodded. "All right." He looked from Snape to Harry. "I'll be going then. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's not you, but Potter who is the interruption," Snape hissed. "If you're quite through with your tantrum, Potter, I'd like to spend a few moments mentoring Mr. Malfoy." Snape nodded toward his door. "Goodbye."

Harry stormed out. He was halfway out the door when Malfoy imitated a wolf howl. Harry slammed it shut and kicked the wall outside. He stubbed his toe.

Harry fumed all the way through Herbology and Charms, although thankfully neither class was with Slytherin. He wasn't quite sure what he wanted to do with Malfoy, but he did know it involved death, pain, and a large quantity of sharp, shiny objects. He wished the Quidditch game were tonight so he didn't have to wait until Saturday to catch the Snitch first.

On his way to lunch, Harry saw that SPEW had set up a long table outside the Great Hall. Pansy Parkinson and Marietta the Ravenclaw snitch sat behind it, a large plate of biscuits between them. SPEW MEETING TONIGHT, read the sign next to Parkinson. SIGN UP AND GET FREE FREEDOM BISCUITS. The line stretched out onto the grounds.

Disgusted, Harry sulked into the Great Hall and sat down with Dean and Ginny.

"Did you see the SPEW table?" she asked as he sat down beside her.

Harry made a face. "I'm not blind."

"When we came in, Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson were practically snogging on top of the biscuits," Ginny said. "I would say it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, but then again there was that time I saw them on the train and then that other time on Avery's desk." She shuddered.

"I hear they're supposed to be married. They're been betrothed since birth or something. It's scary, like the middle ages." Dean said. "Seamus heard it from Michael Corner who talks to Blaise Zabini."

"Malfoy does wear a ring," Ginny said.

"I think Michael Corner's full of rubbish," Harry said. Ginny smiled at him, and he remembered that she used to date Corner.

"With the way Malfoy's all over Parkinson," Ginny said, "I think he's going to use her and dump her. If they are betrothed he'll force someone else to marry her."

"Pass the steak and kidney pie," Harry said.

-

Hermione had stayed after class to ask Professor Flitwick a few questions about the magical matrix of the Confundus Charm. She was already hungry, but when she passed a group of second year Ravenclaws heading up from the Great Hall babbling excitedly about how gooey and delicious the new biscuits were, she really began to feel peckish. Rushing down the stairs to get to the Great Hall before the biscuits were gone, she discovered most of the school was late for lunch as well, waiting in a line that stretched from a table labeled SPEW out the front doors. The famous new biscuits were most likely the ones advertised prominently as consolation for joining SPEW. Hermione would not stoop that low for dessert.

As she sulked into the Great Hall, someone grabbed her shoulder. She turned around. Ron was licking chocolate off his fingers. "You have got to try these Freedom Biscuits, Hermione."

She looked at him incredulously. "And how did you get a Freedom Biscuit, Ron?"

"I joined SPEW."

"Oh, that was such a legitimately good idea, Ron," Hermione said. "Join SPEW? Good call, really."

"I'm infiltrating them from the inside," Ron replied.

"You, infiltrate?" Hermione snorted. "Because, of course, Malfoy would never suspect a thing."

"I can be stealthy," Ron grumbled.

Hermione didn't even deign to respond to that. She merely raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Well, maybe not stealthy. But isn't it a good idea to know what the enemy's up to? Shouldn't we keep a close eye on them?"

Ron had a point, but then something clicked into place. "This doesn't have anything to do with those biscuits, does it?" she asked sweetly.

Ron backed off. "Biscuits? What biscuits?"

"Those new, delicious Freedom biscuits you were telling me about thirty seconds ago? The soft, chewy, wonderful chocolate chip biscuits?"

"No, not at all!" The driblet of drool sliding down Ron's chin spoke otherwise.

"I didn't think so," Hermione said.

"Don't you think it's a good idea, though? Keeping an eye on Malfoy?"

"Intellectually, yes," Hermione said, "but practically, not really."

"I'll make sure Malfoy's not creating evil plots and teaching people to torture Muggles and things like that."

"Malfoy can't do that anyway. Professor Vector wouldn't allow it."

"Professor Vector went to a pates," Ron said. "How do you know they didn't brainwash her?"

"It's P.A.T.E.S.—Protection Against Terrible Evil Seminar—and they didn't."

"You don't know that."

"Even if she were brainwashed, there are enough sensible people in SPEW that they won't fall for anything Malfoy might pull."

"Sensible people? In SPEW?"

"I think you just destroyed your own case," Hermione told him. "But it doesn't matter because Malfoy isn't going to do anything to far off center."

"Right, I forgot, because Malfoy's so big on pleasing the masses."

"In case you haven't noticed, Lucius Malfoy is, and Draco's nothing if not consistent with his father."

"Malfoys don't please the public, Hermione! They please Voldemort. And themselves."

"Malfoy has gone politically correct recently, Ron, or hadn't you noticed? Don't answer that question."

As they walked into the hall, Harry walked out with Ginny and Dean. When they passed, he grabbed Ron by the shoulder. "DA meeting tonight," he said. "Spread it around."

Hermione waited until Harry was well out of the hall before saying, "I'm sure that scheduling doesn't have anything to do with the first SPEW meeting being tonight."

"See, I got a biscuit and now I don't even have to go to the SPEW meeting," Ron said. "It all worked out."

Hermione sighed. "It's the principal of joining SPEW, Ron."

He looked mildly alarmed. "You're not going to tell Harry, are you?"

-

As soon as Hermione finished eating, she marched right up to the sixth year boys' dormitory and banged on the door. "Ron joined SPEW," she told Harry without prelude.

It seemed to take the words a few moments to work their way through Harry's head. "SPEW? Ron?"

"He's just in it for the biscuits," Hermione added, "but I thought you should know. He says he's trying to infiltrate it from the inside, but really it's all about the biscuits."

Harry sat down on his bed. Hermione sat beside him. "He didn't want you to tell me, did he?" he said with a small smile.

"Well, no, but I figured you'd find out eventually, and better from me than from Parvati or Lavender when they see him at the biscuit table after they join, and you know they're going to join, because Malfoy's in charge."

"What does Malfoy being in charge have to do with Parvati and Lavender joining SPEW?"

"Nothing at all," Hermione said quickly. Except for the fact that they'd been obsessed with Malfoy since third year, disgustingly enough. "Look, don't get angry with Ron. I don't think he thought the whole thing through very clearly—you know how he is when he sees food, it's like everything else disappears from his brain, and the only thing he can think about is how to get it—"

"I'm not going to get mad at Ron," Harry said absently, shredding a piece of parchment. "I'll just add it to the list of things that suck. Nothing's going right anymore, you notice that? Lucius Malfoy's got everyone believing he's the savior of the bloody world, Malfoy's a git, the DA's not nearly as big as SPEW, even Ron's bought into the SPEW bullshit—"

"He hasn't," Hermione said. "The only thing he's bought into is free biscuits."

"—Sirius is dead, even the Quidditch team sucks this year!"

Hermione took advantage of his pause for breath. "The Quidditch team sucks?"

"Sucks isn't even the word for it." Harry stood up. The shredded parchment fell off his lap onto the floor, except for a few pieces that stuck to his pants. "I don't even know a word to tell you how bad the team is. Bloody fucking awful. I'll put it this way: if each person on the squad could be their own individual team, we'd be great, we'd win the fucking Cup. It's just the whole being a team thing that's giving us problems."

"How so?"

Harry looked at her cockeyed. "All right, remember how the Slytherins took all the night practice times, and you told me not to argue it, we could use it to bargain with Avery later? Yeah, well, I shouldn't have listened to you, because ever since we went to morning practices the team's gone to shit." He paused, considering. "Actually, the team probably went to shit before that. The team was probably shit from the first day. The Creeveys won't stop fighting for a second, and they forget they're supposed to be Beaters—they almost got Ginny's head knocked off this morning—Sloper and Kirke won't pass Ginny the damned Quaffle, and Ron's so bloody nervous all the time, he can barely stay on his broom, let alone guard the goals!"

"Are you nervous about the game?" Hermione ventured.

"For me? No. Why should I be nervous about playing Malfoy? I've beaten him four times, and on Saturday I'm going to beat him a fifth." This was Harry at his most confident, and she usually wanted to throttle him when he got this cocky, but at the same time there was something dazzling about his self-assurance, like he could accomplish anything he wanted and so could you, if you believed the way he did.

Harry's smile faded. "When I think about the rest of the team, though, I start to get nervous. You know I love Gryffindor Quidditch more than anyone, but if I don't catch the Snitch fast, Slytherin's going to eat us for dinner."

"You've got to catch the Snitch quickly, then."

The dazzling grin was back. "I will."

-

Draco surveyed the room. A few Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws lingered around the edges, the curious ones who didn't want to hear about the meeting secondhand. From the numbers, it seemed that every single Slytherin had believed Pansy when she'd announced last night in the Common Room that anyone who did not attend would be caught and publicly ridiculed. Draco hadn't been present for the announcement and hadn't a clue what kind of public ridicule she had in mind, but the threat must have been effective.

Another glance around the room confirmed that not a single Gryffindor was present. Potter must have threatened his House with public ridicule if they showed up for the meeting. Since he was basing his assumption that there were no Gryffindors present on tie color, technically Potter might have sent in spies wearing another House's ties, but Draco doubted it. Potter just wasn't that clever.

People were still trickling in five minutes after the meeting had been scheduled to start. "How many more are there?" he asked Blaise Zabini.

He shrugged. "Want me to go find out?"

Of all the unnecessary questions. Draco fixed a withering stare on him, which he was intelligent enough to take as a yes, and he wandered over to Pansy, who was in charge of the door. "The Auto-Record Charm wore off after the three hundredth name," Blaise said when he returned, "and Pansy's having to take all the names down by hand. There are about twenty-five people left outside, mostly Hufflepuffs."

Draco considered telling her to close the door now and let the Hufflepuffs deal with it, but his father was always telling him he needed to learn patience. And he didn't want any angry Hufflepuffs giving SPEW a bad rep—his father certainly wouldn't be pleased if that happened. "Just tell Pansy to hurry up. We're already five minutes late."

Pansy nodded and flashed two fingers at him after Blaise relayed the message, hopefully meaning that she'd have everyone inside in two minutes.

Draco adjusted his tie—he'd adopted a blue and red one sporting the SPEW logo for the occasion—and watched Pansy until she waved at him. Even though the Arithmancy classroom was huge, the crowd could barely fit. And this was only the first meeting. If SPEW kept growing the way his father expected it to, Draco would have to ask Dumbledore if they could use the Great Hall. Even the Gryffindors would get the idea then.

Draco stepped onto the teaching platform at the front of the room. A hush fell over the crowd almost immediately. "Thank you," Draco said. "Welcome to the first meeting of the Society for the Prevention of Evil in the World."

-

Ron was surprised to find that last year's entire DA had come back, except for Marietta Edgecombe and Michael Corner—neither of whom he had expected to see, anyway. Even Cho Chang was there, sitting in the back next to one of her Ravenclaw friends. Harry didn't seem to notice her, but that might have been on account of all the new recruits. It seemed like all of Gryffindor House, from first to seventh year, had decided to attend. The walls of the Room of Requirement changed from white to red and gold to accommodate the new trend.

"Welcome to the DA," Harry said. "I decided to call this meeting so we can get the DA up and running again, and, well, let's just make sure we get everyone's name on the sign-up list to start, shall we?"

Ron was about to sneak away when Hermione grabbed his shoulder and forced a quill into his hand. "Form lines in front of me, Ron, and Harry," Hermione yelled.

Harry's line was the longest. Ron sighed. It was going to be a very long night.

-

Pansy walked up to Draco while he was refilling one of the biscuit trays and adjusting the advertising slogan that flashed above them. He had made it himself, modeling it after those "Potter stinks" badges he had charmed in fourth year. It flashed, in red lettering,

FREEDOM FROM FEAR
FREEDOM FROM HATRED
FREEDOM FROM EVIL
FREEDOM BISCUITS

She touched him on the shoulder. "Marietta Edgecombe told me why none of the Gryffindors are here. She heard at dinner. They're at Potter's meeting."

"Potter's meeting?"

"Potter called a meeting of the DA. You know, Dumbledore's Army?"

"What a name. Potter might as well suck Dumbledore's cock."

"Draco, that was crude."

"Pansy, darling, you are crude."

"The only crude thing I've ever done was you, on Avery's desk."

"I want to screw you on Snape's."

"I'll screw you on Snape's desk if you can convince Potter to merge the DA and SPEW."

"Really?"

"You'll never persuade him, Draco."

"Watch me."

"And when you don't convince him, you have to do it wherever I pick."

"Where is that?"

"It's a surprise."

"Then no deal," Draco said. "I laid out my terms ahead of time."

She leaned close to him. "Potter's bed."

Draco smiled.

Pansy looked at him. "You're so predictable."

-

"Potter. I want to talk to you."

Instantly, Harry regretted having stayed late in the Room of Requirement tidying up alone. "How do you know where the Gryffindor Common Room is?"

Malfoy leaned against the Fat Lady. She made an indignant noise. "Just because some of us are ignorant about the location of other Houses' common rooms, doesn't mean—"

"Slytherin is in the dungeons across from the suit of armor with the rusty axe," Harry said, "in case you meant me."

He was gratified that Malfoy looked surprised.

"What do you want, anyway?" Harry tried his best to look down his nose at Malfoy. This was difficult, seeing as Malfoy was almost exactly the same height as he was. Harry hoped that he was a little taller. Being shorter than a ferret would not be okay.

"You're just coming back from the DA meeting, aren't you?"

Harry stared and closed his mouth. "No."

"Oh, come on, Potter, don't lie."

"I'm not—" but he stopped and said, "Why?"

"Why shouldn't you lie? Because it's not what Gryffindors do. Lying is a Slytherin thing, and you're no good at it."

"I'm a better liar than you think," Harry said irritably. "But that's not what I was asking. Why do you want to know if I'm going to a DA meeting—whatever that is," he added lamely.

"You're a horrible liar, Potter. Why would you even bother to lie about that? Even if I hadn't known about the DA since last year, it's not a secret society anymore. It's pointless to try and hide it from the school."

Harry clamped his mouth firmly shut. "What are you talking about, Malfoy?" He tried, unsuccessfully, to keep the surprise out of his voice.

Malfoy chuckled. "Didn't you know, Potter? The DA's gone public."

"What do you mean it's public?" Harry said. His stomach sank.

"Well, only in the sense that its name is posted in the Slytherin Common Room under 'Societies and Clubs that are Open to the Public.'"

"Public," Harry repeated.

"Yes, Potter, public. But I'm not here to debate the DA's status with you. I have a proposition to make."

"I won't marry Pansy for you," Harry said, horrified.

Malfoy stared. "Where on earth did you come up with that? If I was going to ask someone to marry Pansy for me, it certainly wouldn't be you. And even if I did ask you," he mused, "I doubt Pansy would have you."

Harry can say, "I don't care. I already said I wouldn't marry her for you. Pansy is ugly."

"Pansy is better than your Weasley and Granger. She is everything they are not: worth several hundred thousand galleons, capable of conversation, reasonably attractive, and devoted to me. Her family also owns a krup farm in Yorkshire, two townhouses in London and a cottage on Iziba."

"Parkinson is still horrible. I don't care how much land she owns."

"That's only because you don't have any yourself."

"I don't care," Harry said.

Malfoy looked legitimately confused. "How could you not care?"

"You're so full of shit," Harry said.

Malfoy shook his head. "Potter. Land is the foundation of the Wizarding world. Do you know how it used to be? Before the withdrawal from the Muggles in the 1600s, all of England was divided up into Wizarding estates. The Muggle government forced the Ministry to break up our estates and hand it out to Muggle farmers. The Muggles robbed us. They are the reason that we wizards have to live in hiding. Land is the only way we can get our power back."

Harry blinked. "That's the biggest load of wank I've ever heard you spew."

"Speaking of SPEW, I think it and the DA should merge."

Harry stared. "What?" He wasn't sure he'd heard what he thought he'd heard. It had come out of nowhere.

"Well, the organizations have similar goals, for one. Rid the world of evil? Is that ringing a bell?"

"Malfoy, you're the evil we're trying to rid the world of!"

"We're taking away each other's business, for another thing. There's no point to having two competing evil-fighting organizations at Hogwarts. Shouldn't we be supporting school unity rather than encouraging rivalries?"

"There's a very big difference between encouraging unity and merging the DA with SPEW," Harry said.

"Oh, really? And what's that?"

Why wouldn't Malfoy just let it alone? "That we're not merging. So shove off, Malfoy."

"You'll never win the game on Saturday."

"Yes, we will. What does that have to do with anything?"

"I've been watching you practice from the top of the broom shed for two weeks come Thursday," Malfoy said. "You are not going to win. Do the Croovys even know which way to hold their bats?"

"Creeveys," Harry said. "And yes, they do."

"Too bad your Chasers don't know to catch, either," Malfoy said. "It would be so embarrassing if Gryffindor dropped the first game of the season after winning the Cup back-to-back. Especially since it's your first year as captain."

"When was the last time you caught the Snitch against me, Malfoy?" Harry said. "Oh, that's right, never."

Malfoy stepped closer to Harry and lowered his voice. "I definitely won't be catching the Snitch on Saturday if the DA and SPEW merge."

"What?"

Malfoy smiled.

Harry grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. "Are you talking about throwing the game?" he hissed.

Malfoy shrugged. "If you catch my drift."

"I don't need your help to catch anything, Malfoy."

Malfoy grabbed Harry by the shirt. "You'll never win on your own."

"I'd never throw a game. Or deal with you."

"Really, Potter. Stop being noble. It just makes you look like a dumbass. Oh, wait. You are a dumbass."

"I wanted to beat you before, Malfoy," Harry hissed. "But now you don't have a chance."

"No, Potter." Malfoy smiled. "That's you."

Harry punched him. Malfoy banged into the Fat Lady. "Ow," she said.

Harry grabbed Malfoy by the shoulders and rammed him into the painting.

"Asshole," Malfoy said.

"Really," the Fat Lady snapped. "Go to the Astronomy Tower."

"Shut up," Malfoy said over his shoulder, and then elbowed Harry in the face.

Harry grabbed Malfoy by the sweater and pushed him across the hall. He hit the wall headfirst. Malfoy doubled over and Harry took the opportunity to kick him in the side. "Now shove off, Malfoy," he said. "I never thought you'd get so desperate you'd actually offer to lose."

Malfoy struggled upright.

Harry looked at him. "You know what, I'm leaving," he said.

"What is it, Potter? In a hurry to get somewhere?"

"Yes," Harry said shortly, "away from you." He turned to the Fat Lady.

"If you go into your Common Room now I'll hear the password," Malfoy said.

"I don't care if you do," Harry said. "Crackernuts." The Fat Lady swung open with a disgruntled noise.

"You'll regret this later," Malfoy yelled after him. "Or maybe you won't, you pervy bastard."

Harry wondered what it would take to shut Malfoy up. Death, maybe. Or an exceptionally effective whack on the head. Oh, wait. He had already done that.

-

NOTES:

The title is a reference to Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing.

For this chapter and all future chapters, anything that sounds like it might be poking fun at Bush, probably is.

Next chapter next Thursday.