Disclaimer: I own nothing related to the HP universe. Really.

A/N: I am a rotten writer. I have zero self-discipline. I keep my readers waiting. But believe me, I don't enjoy it. I don't revel in the longing in your eyes.

Snidget-And-Co: Some Ron/Luna development in this chapter! Be patient, love is a process, a slow slow sloooooowwww one at that.

Leuca: Thanks! The story is getting more and more difficult to write, but that's why I love it. Hope you do too!

I lov Redheads w/ Fangs: I agree Luna should have a hobby, get a life or something, but I can't figure out what would a girl like her do in her spare time. Gardening just doesn't sound right, lol. You like Everance? My friend like them, too!

casey windsor: Sorry for not updating earlier. Hope you like this chapter!

metallicverb: Well, I don't really know if being emotionless will affect the physical body, cause I am always more on the "filled with emotions" side... let's just pretend it does... hehe. I am one irresponsible writer.

tom4eva: Sorry for the long wait! I hope you still like this!

Silver: I can't say sorry enough! Sorry! Please be patient with me and enjoy the chapter.

eckles: Thanks!

Plum Blossoms: Oh, don't worry, they will get together. Eventually.

kari: Thanks!

Mayumi: Thanks for liking my fic! Forgive my laziness and keep liking it!

EmotionalNapsack: Thanks! Enjoy!

On second thought, I take back what I said. I do revel a little in the longing in your eyes. Lol.

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Fourth entry:

Snape did tell on me. What could turn a spy into a big mouth? I honestly can't fathom that out. What I know now is that when Ron said he had his sources, Snape was one of them. Our therapy today started with a lecture. I had thought he could not lecture, surely one would kill him. I was wrong. It nearly killed me.

You are so surrounded by love, everyone of us cares about you, you should be happy, blah blah blah, that kind of stuff. To which I could only nod and say 'yes'.

"So, given any thought to the question?" He asked off-handedly at the end of the session. Too off-handedly, I'd say.

I did not ask what question he was referring to. There was only one question. The question.

I told him my idea of having a picnic at night in the Quidditch Stadium.

"Interesting..." was all he said. I shrugged and forced a smile.

"Of course it's an interesting idea. Been thinking about it for days." Liar, my mind sneered at me. I hadn't been thinking about it for days. I hadn't think much about it at all. I couldn't. It hurt too much.

"Daring, too, it coming from you," he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "To sneak into the pitch at night..."

I winced inwardly. No matter how great the risks, he would do it, for Hermione. Still, I would hate to see him get into trouble. "Forget it, any date with flowers, candles and champagne is a great date," I said, adding silently, any date with you is a great date to Hermione.

"Are girls this easily satisfied?" He asked, faking an incredulous look. I couldn't help but smiled a little, and he seemed very pleased with himself for bringing that out of me.

"Get out of my room," half-jokingly I said, don't keep her waiting.

He stood up and reached out to muss my hair out of habit. I kept my smile. But as he walked towards the door, I could not play it any longer. So when he turned at the doorway, he saw the bleak, emotionless Luna. Our eyes locked, and I knew it was too late to put back my smile. He had caught me. The hallway was much brighter than the room, and I could only see his gleaming red hair and his eyes, which seemed to penetrate through the darkness to look at me. Wordless, he exited and closed the door behind him.

I slumped into the pillows, every ounce of energy drained out of my body. It was like I had fought yet another battle, and I wasn't sure had I won or not.

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I don't care much about autumn. I don't care much about weather, seasons, Hogsmeade weekends, that sort of thing.

However, someone does.

"It's really pretty," Jonathon Keyes said. I had a feeling that he had been doing so for at least half an hour.

"Yeah," I agreed, adding in the crushed apple seeds into my cauldron, though I had no idea what was pretty.

"You don't believe me?" Jonathon's face fell. I noticed that his cauldron was bubbling over, which meant if he did not add in the seeds soon, the potion would be rendered useless. For a Ravenclaw, he really was quite careless.

"Look, Keyes-"

"Jon, please, Luna."

"Jon," I gave in. "I don't care if you fail Potions, but I'd rather not have your potion explode in my face. That will be pretty, gross, and definitely undesirable."

He smiled and nodded vigorously. "Of course, Luna," he added in the seeds without looking at the cauldron.

"You need to stir that," I pointed out. He obliged, still staring at me instead of the cauldron.

"So," he started again. "Will you join me-" I rolled my eyes furtively. Why wouldn't he just give up?

"What do you think you are doing, Mr. Keyes?" Snape narrowed his eyes suspiciously and walked over. I had never been more grateful for his presence.

"Luna!" Keyes whispered urgently.

And at that moment, his potion exploded.

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¡That was yesterday. I have just been to the Hospital Wing. I don't care much, but it seems to be my fault, after all, that Jonathon was distracted during Potions.

"Keyes," I nodded at the pale boy as I entered the infirmary. He sat up quickly.

"Hello Luna, take a seat," he smiled, showing all his teeth.

"You look much better," I said, sitting down. It was true- most of the boils had been tended and a thin film of blue paste had been applied. He smelt strongly of mint. Although still a tad too pale, he was at least not moaning with burns popping all over his face.

"Eh, you want something to drink, Luna?" He asked brightly, bending over to his bedside table and struggled to get me a glass of water.

I took over the jug and suppressed the desire to tell him how irritable it was of him to say my name every sentence. I poured him and myself some water. He sat back and smiled that lopsided smile of his.

"Are you ready to accept the offer, Luna?"

"What offer?" I raised a brow in fake interest.

"Picnic with me this weekend, we can go and see the myriad shades of falling leaves, it will be so beautiful..."

"That's really the only thing on your mind, is it not?" I put down the glass in defeat.

"I have plenty of time to think here," he grinned briefly and ceased doing so, probably because the action caused considerable pain to his face.

I didn't know what possessed me and made me agree to it. It could be the sight of him lying there, looking at me expectantly. It could be the bandages around both his arms.

Or it could be that I didn't want to see Ron this weekend. I didn't know which then, nor do I know now. I don't care.

"That's great, Luna," he grinned again, immediately looking much more energetic than a minute ago. I had a feeling that I had been cheated.

"Yeah," I shrugged. Maybe a break was what I needed. A break from him, from the therapy sessions, from my emotions, from everything.

"I hope I can get out of the Hospital Wing on time," he joked and wrinkled his nose. "It itches."

I knew he was referring to his healing wounds, so I pulled a smile and said 'yeah' again before getting up, and left the infirmary. As soon as I stepped out of the room, I realized that I was an idiot. I did not want to go picnic with Keyes. I did not want to go picnic at all, or anywhere else, for that matter.

Besides, how am I to tell him that I can't meet him this weekend?

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He was very nice about the whole thing. Canceling the session, I mean. It has seemed strange to me, for he has always considered them important, but now everything is fine and clear. Why wouldn't he be nice about it? It would be as much a break for him as it was for me. He might even have wanted to cancel them himself, but didn't know how to. He is always so thoughtful, putting my interests before his.

Who am I kidding?

A blanket of... of what? I don't know, it is covering me, suffocating me. What is it? Waves of blackness threaten to swallow me, and I cannot see through them. Something is swelling inside me, something hot... or cold? I really don't know, and I can hardly keep it in any longer. It just kept growing, and growing, since I saw him there with...

It was entirely my own fault. I was an idiot, I had known so before I agreed to Keyes suggestion. It was a wrong decision, destined to end like this.

The morning did not start off well. I woke up much later than I had planned, around eight o'clock, which meant I had only half an hour to prepare. I didn't care what Keyes would think of me if I was unpunctual, but then I would not want him to wait, him being just out of the hospital wing one day and all, so I rushed into the bathroom and tried to take a quick bath, but my usual rose shampoo was used up and much time was wasted when I tried to find something to substitute, then when I got out of bath I discovered that my royal blue robe was washed and I had to wear another robe, which was still blue but not that shade of blue, and after that I checked myself in the mirror when it commented that I was too pale and advised me to brush something on and I agreed but suddenly remembered that all my roommates were out and there was no one to help me and I could not tell mascara and lipstick apart.

You get the picture. I was in a mess and praying that Keyes would be late when someone knocked on the door. I groaned and pulled open the door.

"Hi, Luna," Keyes smiled broadly, his face not bearing any mark from his latest accident. I goggled at him through my wet limping hair.

"How did you get up here?"

He ignored my question and walked into the room. I followed him and closed the door behind me, speechless as a dumb. He sat onto one of the four-posters, folding his legs under him.

"You look nice," he commented. I shook myself out of the spell and began fumbling with my hair again. Finally, ten minutes later, I was ready. We left Hogwarts.

The weather was actually quite good. There was few clouds in the sky. The sun was warm, the breezes refreshing. And I could see what Keyes had meant, 'the myriad shades of falling leaves'. It seemed the trees had changed overnight- or maybe I was just too absorbed in my little world to notice until now. Golden leaves and twigs lined the road, and the trees shuffled gently as we walked by.

"Where are we going?" I asked, pulling my lips at an attempt to put something onto my face.

"The park near the post office, the one down the road?" He replied, more a statement than a suggestion. I nodded and we walked in silence for a while.

"I hope you like chicken sandwiches," Keyes started, pointing to a small basket he was carrying. I told him that I do.

"It's the only thing the house-elves would give me," he added and smiled apologetically.

I appreciated his effort to start a conversation, his effort to invite me to a picnic, and all. To many, the mere thought of being with me was unbearable. He was taking the great risk of being seen with me, and now, he was trying to talk to me. He was a nice guy, when one come to think of it.

"Do I look like the kind of people who would die for a chicken sandwich?" He was saying.

"Well, no, but you do not look like the kind who would love peanut butter, either," I tried. He laughed. It was not a bad laugh. A pretty nice one, actually. Not the deep kind Ron had, though...

I did not want to think of him. I let the thought go.

"-honey and butter," Keyes said, which I inferred to be his sandwich preference.

"What else have you got there, apart from the sandwiches?"

And we walked on, gibbering, gossiping, laughing occasionally. We walked past the Three Broomsticks, Zonko's where some Griffindors stared at us, and as I began to relax-

I saw him.

Ron Weasley, in front of the jewel shop, with Hermione. They were looking at something in the window, and their faces gleamed in the golden light reflected off the diamonds and rubies and sapphires.

I stopped dead and stared at the pair. They formed a beautiful picture, the perfect couple together, a man with his wife...

Choosing their engagement ring?

I did not know how long had I stood there. I did not really care. Keyes had stopped beside me, but to his credit, did not say anything.

Some part inside me stopped, like a tiny cog in a watch. A million thoughts passed, so fast that it felt like nothing had ran through my mind. Everything passing, everything paused.

Why is he here? How can he be here?

Why can't he be here?

He has agreed to calling off the session. He has wanted to be with her, and he can now, finally getting rid of that pest- what's it called? Luna?

You have cancelled the session yourself, pest.

No pain, no tears. Everyone else continued with their lives, striding past me. The world did not stop because I did.

"Luna?" Keyes asked, his voice filled with worry and doubt.

He looked up and our eyes met at that moment.

"Luna?"

I felt Keyes stepped closer and grabbed my left hand. I shook him off softly.

"Luna, I thought-" Ron came over and stood five feet from us. Hermione was still in front of the shop, but I saw her glancing at us.

"Hello," I hated my pretentious voice. It came out crisp and cold.

"Jonathon Keyes," Keyes reached out his hand.

"Ronald Weasley," Ron took it, but his eyes did not left mine.

"Ronald Weasley?" Keyes stared at Ron. Of course, his red hair was unmistakable. "The Ronald Weasley?"

"Hogsmeade weekend?" Ron looked at us and smiled a little. I could not understand the smile- it did not quite reach his eyes.

I nodded and looked away.

"We, we are shopping for Christmas," he explained unnecessarily.

"Hermione's there waiting for you."

"Listen, I-"

"We are going on a picnic," interrupted Keyes brightly. He took my hand again, but this time I was too tired to get away. "It's really nice to meet you, Mr. Weasley."

Then he pulled me from Ron. We turned and walked, slowly at first, but suddenly I was running. Like a frightened prey, like a coward, I was bailing from him. I ran until I couldn't think. I ran until I couldn't breathe. Then I stopped. Leaning against a tree, I gasped.

Keyes was right behind me. He gasped, too, and I realized he had run with me.

"R- ready to have some sandwiches?" He asked. Incredibly, in my blind sprint, I brought us to the park. We sat down and wolfed the sandwiches down.

"One more?" Keyes handed me another sandwich. I did not take it, but I laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed, until once more I could not breathe without hurting my windpipe. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks. That's how amused I was. The whole thing just struck me as ridiculously funny.

Keyes put down the sandwich and patted me on the shoulder. I did not care what he thought of me. Crazy, probably. Tomorrow he would tell everyone: the rumors were true. Luna Lovegood was indeed a loony. I looked at him, at this tall, skinny boy with long dirty blonde hair. He could be considered as handsome, I guess. To ruin a date with such a boy should be a crime.

But you guessed it. I don't really care.

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In an hour's time he will be here. I don't want to think about it.

What was all that about? I can picture his bemused frown, and his question, and his dismissal of it as something trivial. Just another of Luna's many problems, he will think.

Why am I always like this? Is it my... talent? Can being a nuisance be qualified as a talent? I don't want to be a trouble, a problem. I don't want to bother anyone, particularly not him. But it seems that I can't stop being a trouble. I can't stop myself from hurting myself and others. I can't...

It is only an excuse, Luna.

I sometimes heard him talking to me in my mind. I heard him clearly, and it's driving me nuts. Like I am arguing with myself constantly.

Are you a defeatist?

No.

Then why are you always so negative about everything?

Am not.

You are a defeatist.

Am not a defeatist! Am not anything!

There you go again. Luna, we can't help you this way. You have to help yourself.

I- I tried.

I don't see any improvements.

I tried, I tried! I really have. Why don't you believe me? I have tried my best. I have paid an effort. I want to be normal. Just normal. I have done everything I could.

I see.

But have I?

Why are you doubting yourself, Luna?

What if... maybe I haven't. Maybe I thought I have, but I haven't really. Maybe I just enjoy being sad subconsciously- it is at least an emotion, you know- so I just keep moping on some terribly minor thing, until it swell and fill my chest.

It's no use to know it, Luna. You have to solve it.

Unsolvable. It is unsolvable. I will stay this way for the rest of my life.

Excuses, excuses.

I don't know. Or maybe I know. I know, I know, I know. It is my fault. It is me again, isn't it?

I- I think I need to go for a walk.

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Five minutes to session, must keep breath steady. Keep hand steady. Really shouldn't have run all the way up.

But who- oh Merlin help me. I am shaking.

Hermione and Snape kissing behind the greenhouses.

Hallucination?

I don't think so.

Oh Merlin.

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A/N: I hope this is not the beginning of yet another four-month wait. I will try my best to write more and faster! Anonymous readers, please leave your email to be on the mailing list. REVIEW, and toodles!