Lie To Me

By DJ Clawson

Warning: This is slash. If you don't like, don't read. You were warned.

Rating: R for some cursing and about the most off-camera sex I could manage.


Chapter 1 - The Predicament

Nice, France. It was one of Lupin's favorite places in the world. He liked spending time there, especially when he wasn't high up on the hot list over at the local law enforcement. As far as he knew, nobody in particular was on his trial here at the moment – except Zenigata, of course. But that didn't change with his location. There was only so much breathing space he could get in each place before Interpol's craziest inspector put in an appearance.

What a great city. Beautiful scenery, great food, great wine. These were the finer things in life, or so he tried to convince his partners. Maybe a little Fujiko thrown in could make it perfect, but she was in Berlin somewhere, hitting it off with the local eligible bachelors and he was left to stew in his hotel room.

Speaking of hotel rooms, his was entirely too bright this morning. The walls were an annoying yellow and the drapes were a useless white, sending the morning sun right in uninvited. He cursed as he sat up, shielding his eyes with his hands, but that didn't even begin to help his headache.

There was a box of cigarettes on the dresser – Shinsei brand. He fumbled with the packaging before succeeding in lighting a cigarette. He didn't always smoke in the morning, but he was definitely going to make an exception today. If he wasn't careful, he would turn into Jigen – but he was going to be careful. He was not going to turn into a bitter, sexually-repressed chain smoker. He would probably have to cut back on his drinking a bit, but that was okay. It was getting into enough trouble as it was. There was an empty wine bottle on the dresser next to the pack of cigarettes, but that was not unexpected. He laid back down, leaning against the headboard.

Zenigata was still snoring next to him. Plus, his breath was terrible. The guy smelled like Jigen. Lupin supposed that was what stress and a lot of tar and nicotine did to a person.

His mind was still waking up, going over the simple stuff as he tried - and failed - to blow smoke rings. What day it was. What time it was. Where his partners were. He didn't know the answers to any of those questions, but that was fine. He was on vacation anyway.

Holy crap, he was hallucinating. He was really seeing things. He was as crazy as everyone said he was. Maybe the jackets were some kind of warning sign. There was no way – in hell – that Zenigata was really sleeping next to him. He was still asleep. He hoped he wasn't smoking in his sleep.

Lupin put his hand out and touched Zenigata's shoulder, and the inspector mumbled something and rolled over.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. This was not okay. The ramifications were staggering, and 'ramifications' was a much too large a word for so early in the morning.

It wasn't actually that early in the morning. It was ten, much later than he was usually up if he was busy planning a heist, or even planning to hit the beach. All right, it was late. Fuck it, it was late, and he was half-naked in a bed next to Zenigata-Keibu. This was not cool. This was a terrible way to start the day. He needed another cigarette.

As he fumbled for one, he realized – it was Zenigata's favorite brand. These were Zenigata's cigarettes. He was smoking Zenigata's cigarettes. He spit his out and stuffed it in the used ashtray. What the hell was he doing? What the hell was going on?

He got up and went into the bathroom. He didn't quite feel sick enough to vomit, but he was definitely getting there. He leaned over and stared in the mirror. His eyes were a little bloodshot, and he was wearing his boxers and undershirt, but that was it.

He peaked into the bedroom. Shit, Zenigata was still there. He was not sleeping or hallucinating. Lupin was awake enough now that his imagine had returned in full force. In fact, some of the memories were surfacing. He was depressed over Fujiko. He was drinking in a bar. Zenigata was chasing him. There was more to the story, but he didn't want to think about it.

You idiot, he thought. A Lupin always has a way out. Now pull out the ace in your pocket or something. There had to be a good way to handle this – he just had to use his brilliant mind to think of it. Think, Lupin, think.

While he was panicking, Zenigata was still sleeping. His clothing was spread across the floor of the bedroom. Christ, Lupin could remember how it got there. He could even remember, however reluctantly, how nice it had all felt – G-d, he couldn't think about that now. He had to him out of here, before his partners came in the room for any reason.

Holy shit, his partners. They were probably wondering where he was and why he wasn't up, if they didn't know already. He needed to get up, get dressed, and get Zenigata the hell out of his room.

There's probably a more graceful way to do this... he thought as he shook the inspector awake. "Hey, Pops, wake up. No, seriously, wake up."

Zenigata rolled over, obviously barely awake enough to see Lupin's face. "Lupin!" It was his usual knee-jerk reaction.

"Pops, you gotta go," Lupin said, shoving the rest of his clothes in his arms. "Out the window. Now."

"What?" the inspector said with a yawn. He seemed a little confused by his surroundings and not nearly as panicked as Lupin.

"I'm really sorry to do this, but –" He shoved Zenigata's hat on his head and practically had to carry him to the fire escape out the window. "I – I'll call you, okay? We'll talk about it. I'll send you flowers. Just go."

Zenigata must have still been rather confused by being woken so quickly, because he went down the ladder and to the street with only minimal protest. It probably helped that the inspector seemed to have no idea as to where he was or what he was doing. Lupin even succeeded in getting him in a cab going elsewhere in a minimal amount of time.

When Zenigata was gone, he climbed back up the fire escape and into his room. There was still no noise from the common room, which he took to be a good sign as he hurriedly dressed. Maybe they were out. Maybe they were still asleep. Maybe they had never come home last night. Maybe they weren't on the other side of the door, quietly laughing their asses off.

And they weren't. Stepping into the common room, he found only silence. "Jigen? Goemon?" There was no burning cigarette in the ashtray, no indication that anyone had been around recently. "Hello?" Their rooms were empty. They didn't leave a note, but they never did. Jigen was probably shacked up somewhere, hung over and vomiting, and who knew what Goemon did in his spare time in France. He wasn't married to them or anything. He didn't look into their businesses and he hoped to G-d they didn't look into his. He cursed again, and sunk into the cheap hotel furniture.

Outside, Nice was calling to him, but he wasn't interested in answering.


"Hey Lupin," Jigen said from beneath the shade of the umbrella. "I like you and all, but if you're going to get this depressed every single time Fujiko ditches you, we might have to start taking separate vacations."

"So sorry to harsh your buzz," Lupin said, though he hadn't meant to make it sound malicious. He stole another swig of Goemon's sake. The ronin had gone surfing; he was surprisingly good at it.

Christ, he hadn't even thought of Fujiko. What the hell was he going to tell Fujiko? If he was going to tell her anything at all. She would probably have a good laugh at him about it. And it wasn't like they were officially dating – so it wasn't like he was cheating on her, because if he was, then she was certainly cheating on him. She didn't deserve to know. It was none of her business, he thought ruefully. Maybe he shouldn't be taking his anger and confusion out on Fujiko, but at the moment she was his best target.

"You know, I might have better things to do than watch you sulk."

"Yeah, right. Will you stop making fun of me if I buy you a nice big book of crosswords?"

"At least I'm having fun," Jigen said, folding his paper over and handing to Lupin. "Here. Something to get your mind off the bitch."

Lupin had no good reason not to look at it. It was the international edition of an Italian paper, open to the local news about a gallery. "Famous photographer Ansel Adams' original negatives on display for a short time, on loan from the Art Institute of Chicago. Feeling homesick?"

"Nah, I just already own enough diamonds for this lifetime."

"Jigen, I am very disappointed in you," Lupin said. "There's no such thing as too many diamonds." He raised his hand. "And if you're going to make a misogynist comment comparing me to a woman, just forget it."

"I'm just sayin' –"

"Yeah, well, don't say." Lupin put the paper down. "Okay, I'm in."

"Great. You want to break it to the surfer samurai?"


Jigen's plan was actually brilliant, in terms of getting Lupin's mind off of his failed attempts at relationships. What relationship was the problem exactly, the gunman probably didn't know, and Lupin had no intention of enlightening them. He didn't want to think about it, much less talk about it. Still, there were long segments of the drive south were silence reigned and his mind began to wander.

Think of the heist ... think of the heist. Don't think about the great time you had with Zenigata - There, you just did. You suck. Actually, he didn't have a lot of specific memories to dwell on. It was all still sort of a blur to him, the details lost behind a mental fuzz. How drunken clubbing and the usual cat-and-mouse had turned into – whatever it had turned into.

Maybe Zenigata remembered. Maybe Lupin shouldn't have blown him off and practically pushed him out of a window. That probably wasn't the right thing to do – it just had seemed so logical at the time. Then again, a vase of flowers arriving on Zenigata's desk at Interpol would probably just get him riled up.

"Hey, boss," Jigen said suddenly. "Eyes on the road."

He shifted back into the correct lane. If anyone else in the car had further comment, they held it back.


Everything about the heist was going great. The security wasn't that impressive, and all of the information they had on guard shifts turned out to be correct. The window wasn't that hard to bust, the alarms were easy to bypass, and they were walking out with something other than jewels for a change – making Fujiko that less likely to swipe their stash afterwards.

Except, they weren't walking out alone. A horde of police cars had snuck up while they were inside and had surrounded the gallery. "You know the drill," he said to his partners, and they were off in opposite directions. Lupin leapt onto the squad car and over the officers, hopping straight into the window of a nearby apartment complex. He went crashing into somebody's pile of laundry. "Scusilo," he said to a shocked housewife as he crossed the apartment and opened the window on the other side of the building. He jumped right out the window and into the alleyway, expensive and irreplaceable film negatives under his arm. He was even almost to the manhole when he was pulled back into a squad car by a cuff around his arm.

"Lupin!"

"Zenigata," he sighed. "How did you even get down here in time?"

"Years of detective work, Lupin. Honing my skills. Years." Zenigata shut the door to the car and grabbed his radio. "All officers report to my patrol car, one block down from the gallery." He put the radio back in its cradle. He even kicked up his feet in his usual overconfident, gloating manner.

The squad car was suddenly very quiet and stuffy.

"So," Lupin said as he slipped casually out of the cuffs. "This is awkward."

"You're still going to jail, Lupin."

"I've been in jail. It leads something to be desired." He checked the car door, but of course it was locked. "Sorry for kicking you out of my hotel room."

"Do you really feel sorry or are you just saying that? Because I don't think I can really believe a word you say."

"Pops - when have I ever lied to you?"

"You tied me to a charging bull!"

"That's totally different from lying to you. Completely different set of crimes. Now, I will admit that I lie to my partners all the time and my relationship with Fujiko is built on a giant string of lies, but when have I ever lied to you?" He paused. "Okay, other than when I was in disguise. That doesn't count."

"That's the difference between you and me," Zenigata said, crossing his arms. "I don't have a long criminal history that calls my character into question."

There was silence again. Where the hell were those policemen?

"I meant what I said," Lupin finally had the courage to say. "I'm sorry for freaking out the other morning. I just sort of worked myself up about it."

"What the hell else were you gonna do? Take me out for breakfast? Make me pancakes? Be serious for once for your life," Zenigata said. "I know – you could have given me a ride to Interpol. Then they could have fired me right on the spot! It would have been great!"

Lupin held is smarmy retort in check, choosing a softer one. "You can't honestly tell me Interpol has some kind of policy about this."

"It doesn't matter." Zenigata sunk lower into his seat. "It never happened."

"If that's how you want to be, sure. It never happened." Because it had never happened. They had never had sex and were just going to move on with their lives. Just as soon as he was done kissing him. Because that felt great, kissing Zenigata. Sure his breath was terrible but Lupin was perfectly willing too overlook a few things.

"If we get caught –"

"Our reputations are ruined. But you know, reputations aren't everything."

"This coming from a Lupin," Zenigata smirked.

Outside, it had started to rain. There were some scattered noises of traffic, but the patrol car was tucked away deep in the alley and it wasn't disturbed.

"You want a cigarette?" Zenigata said as they re-buttoned their clothing.

"I suppose it is traditional." He accepted the cigarette and a light from Zenigata. He noticed the inspector's hands were shaking. "So what do we do now?"

"Not this again." But he didn't sound like believed it. "I'm gonna get in so much trouble."

"That is one incompetent police force, if they couldn't find us here." Lupin picked up the radio. "What a minute – this thing has no batteries!"

"Heh," Zenigata said with a smirk.

To be continued...