Lie to Me
By DJ Clawson
Warning: This is slash. If you don't like, don't read. You were warned.
Chapter 2 - The Trade
"That took forever."
Lupin responded by tossing the package on the sofa next to Jigen. "Yeah, well, I didn't see you guys helping out."
"The very definition of diversion – "
"Goemon," Lupin said, "I'm just messing you. You know that, right?" He wasn't satisfied until he saw the samurai crack a smile. "All right. Do we want to divvy up the negatives now or are we going try and sell them and split the money?"
"I'm neutral," Jigen said, behind the smoke. "What were you thinking?"
Not about the heist, that was for sure. "I think it would be a crime if these negatives didn't eventually make it back to the museum. So I'm in favor of selling them off and seeing they go back."
"Your nobility is only flawed by your logic," Goemon said.
"Jeez." Lupin put his hand on his head. "Why do I put up with you guys again?"
After kicking around Italy looking for a buyer, they eventually made their way back up towards the border. The negatives were just too hot to move, and the temperature was also getting there, so they were largely stuck in the Parisian summer. Fujiko had yet to appear to steal their haul, which everyone was grateful for, Lupin definitely more than usual.
Laying low meant a lot of sleeping on the couch for Jigen, a lot of meditating and cutting up trees for Goemon, and Lupin's usual barroom antics and cruising. He liked to think he knew every café and disco in Paris.
Right now he was just looking for one. The police had their tips and he had his. He stepped over the velvet rope segmenting the café from the street and into a seat.
Zenigata lowered his paper. "You just walked right up to me. Are you really Lupin?"
"Only if you're not going to arrest me," Lupin said with a smile, taking the liberty of drinking the rest of Zenigata's coffee. "But I have a feeling you're not."
"Do you even know how much that coffee cost? Half my travel budget, you little bastard!"
"And it's not even good coffee." He put the cup down. "So – what are you doing here?"
"You're the one who crashed my breakfast and drank it."
Lupin said more seriously, "You know what I mean."
Zenigata put up a brave front, but it slowly eroded and he was sobbing in his hands. Lupin had to nervously pat on the back. This wasn't the first time he'd seen Zenigata in tears, but it was usually over missing Lupin, not catching him. "What am I gonna tell my superiors?"
"What am I going to tell my partners? Oh, that's right, nothing," Lupin said in the most assuring manner possible. "Because it's none of anybody else's business."
"Oh yeah?" Zenigata said beneath his hands. "What about Fujiko?"
All right, he didn't have an answer to that quite yet, but he wasn't about to let him know it. "You make it sound like we're married. Er – I mean, me and Fujiko." He tried to wave it off. "She's off in Germany with some rich guy, probably giving him a run for his money."
"So?" Zenigata sniffed. "You love her."
He couldn't contradict it, and that was the problem. "Look – I don't know about Fujiko right now. But there's more than enough Lupin to go around is all I'm saying."
Zenigata balled his hands up into fists, looking like he was slowly building rage towards and explosion. "I am not a too-bit hussy!"
"Pops – "
"And don't call me that! I don't need to be reminded of how old I am." He slammed the coffee cup on the table, nearly shattering it into pieces. "I refuse to speak evil of a woman, so I'll just leave it at that - "
"Sorry. Zenigata – "
"If that's all I am to you, then forget it! I will not be one of your traveling posse of whores!" He picked up the glass of water and splashed it in Lupin's face. "Go to hell!"
"That could have gone better," Lupin said as he wiped the liquid from his eyes. When he opened them again, Zenigata had already left the café. "Zenigata! Wait!" It was a while before he caught up with him, and he was nearly out of breath from the process. "Wait. I'm sorry."
Zenigata crossed his arms indignantly. "I can't believe anything you say."
"When have I ever lied to you?" Lupin decided not to give him the chance to answer this time. "Look, I really am sorry. If you want," he said, and sighed, "I'll dump Fujiko."
"What? You love her!"
"I'm willing to trade one thing for another," he managed to say.
Zenigata paused. "I mean that much to you?"
"Of course," he said at last. There was Fujiko complicating everything, but he didn't want to think about her at the moment.
Zenigata was still cautious when he answered, "...All right. But you really don't think anyone's gonna find out."
"I don't know about the future," Lupin answered honestly. "But for now – no. I don't think so."
"We should take a vacation. Maybe go the Caribbean," Lupin said happily. He was stretched out on the couch of his hotel. It was now the next day, and he had made sure to put everything in order with his outfit before finally reappearing for his partners. Jigen was drinking in the armchair. "The negatives are too hot right now anyway."
"Whatever you say, boss." Jigen uncrossed his legs and flipped the paper. Goemon was polishing his sword. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Trying to forget about Fujiko, if it makes you feel any better." He strongly believed that a small truth was better than an outright lie. Besides, they had been with him long enough that they could fill in the blanks from there. "Where's the stash?"
"Keep your pants on. It's in the safe." Jigen gestured sideways.
"Fine." Lupin yawned. "I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me if you smell bacon."
"For real or is that a euphemism?"
"Either one." He was, now he thought about it, sort of hungry, but there wasn't any food in the room. He only got as far as the door when Goemon slid in front of him, blocking the entrance to his room. "Hey."
"Lupin," Jigen said from behind him. He was probably still sitting in the chair. "Where have you been?"
"Who are you, my parents? Jeez." He had kind of hoped he would make it longer than this. "If you want to listen to the graphic details, then you guys seriously need lives."
"Lupin," Goemon insisted. "While we don't need the specifics of whatever ... social like you may have, you should be advised to account for your whereabouts after you left the hotel yesterday."
"Jigen, help me," Lupin said, spinning around. "Goemon's gone completely 5-O on me."
But the gunman crossed his arms.
"What is this? Is this about the negatives? Do you really think I would make a deal without you guys?" He looked back and forth at them. "Okay, what?" Still nothing. "Did you guys follow me?"
"You have to admit," Jigen said, taking a puff of smoke, "you have been acting kinda strange."
"That's no reason to put a tail on me!" he shouted. "What if I had been with Fujiko? Would you have video taped it and sold it on the internet or something?"
"If you would please remove your mind from the gutter for five minutes," Goemon insisted, pressing the handle of his blade into Lupin's stomach.
"Yeah," Jigen said. "We're trying to have an adult conversation here, believe it or not."
"What we're having is a paranoid conversation. I don't have to explain myself to you!"
"You don't have to," Goemon said, "but it is recommended."
Lupin huffed. "What crawled up your butt and died today, huh?"
"Zenigata."
Lupin nearly choked.
"We figure," Jigen said naturally, "that there's no way Zenigata would cut a deal with you for us. We're just little pond scum to him. So we want to know exactly what's going on."
He was now backed into a corner, facing a gun and a sword. "Guys, guys. It's nothing bad. But trust me, you don't want to know."
"Trust me, we do."
"Seriously, guys –" But his sentence was cut off as Jigen began to strangle him. "Okay ... I'm sleeping ... with ... Zenigata ... Now ... let ... me ... go!"
He was dropped where he stood. Jigen slumped back into his seat, disappearing behind his cigarette smoke. Goemon resheathed his blade. "... Well, then."
"See, I told you, you didn't want to know," Lupin said, rubbing his neck. "Just take my word for it next time. Jesus Christ."
"That does explain it," Jigen said with surprising comfort. "What the hell were you thinking? I mean, I'm usually no judge of your sex life, but friggin' Zenigata?"
"What are you talking about? All you do is judge my sex life! You're more obsessed with complaining about me getting tail than actually getting some yourself!"
"Hey man, I'm not on trial here."
"And neither am I. I'm the boss and I don't have to take shit about this," Lupin said viciously. He looked at Goemon, who had closed his eyes and turned silent. "What?
"I must admit I'm a little surprised by your ... choice of partners."
"C'mon Goemon," Jigen said. "It's not that surprising. Lupin'll screw anything with two legs. When I met him he was still obsessed with his first partner –"
"I was not obsessed!" Lupin insisted.
"Still," Jigen interrupted. "Zenigata. What the hell, man."
"It just happened. What do you want, the dirty details?" He looked at them. "Oh, now you're both prudes. Well, don't judge me. I know for a fact neither of you have been laid in two years."
"And right now, I'm pretty proud of that," Jigen said. "Goemon, you look a pale. Maybe you should sit down." He turned back to Lupin. "So do you have some kind of plan here? Or have you completely forgotten that this guy's been chasing us for ten years?"
"Hey, it's not like I'm handing him blueprints for our future heists. It's just sex."
"It's always 'just sex,'" Jigen accused. "You realize Fujiko's made off with half our loot by now? And now Zenigata's a whole 'nother ball of wax."
Goemon interjected, "Actually, this does improve our situation somewhat, assuming Zenigata isn't transferred."
"Huh?"
"Think about it," the ronin said. "Knowing how emotional the inspector can get, he'll probably be more reluctant to pursue us as a serious adversary."
"Thank you!" Lupin said. "I think."
"Huh." Jigen took a second to think it over. "All right. But Lupin, seriously – you'd better not fuck this up. No pun intended." He finished his cigarette, stabbing it into the ashtray. "Hey, speaking of Fujiko, you got a plan for that?"
"Yeah. It involves no one telling her."
"And for when she eventually finds out?" Goemon asked.
"I'm planning to wing it." Oh wait, that's how he got in this mess. "All right, I'll think of something." But he actually severely doubted it.
