Lie to Me

By DJ Clawson

Please Note: I always assume in this story (and most of my other stories) that the Lupin gang and Zenigata are speaking Japanese to each other, and whatever is the local language to the locals, unless otherwise noted. I'm saying this because Zenigata's ability to speak other languages comes up at several points in the story.

Chapter 3 – The Girlfriend

Jamaica. It was one of his favorite places in the world, and Lupin always tried to limit the amount of theft he performed there to an absolute minimal. Fortunately, the local corrupt businessmen that ran the hotels usually were the focus of the police force, not some passing thief, so he was largely in the clear. He could sit at a little lobster shanty on the beach without the notoriety he had in Osaka or Paris. Plus, there was all of that great weather and food. And babes – but he kept that reflex in check.

Goemon always attempted to interpret the pan-Asian menu in his own way and order something complicated, but usually gave up when the waitress became especially confused. "...Sushi platter," he grumbled, begrudgedly handing her the menu.

"Not every country knows how to pickle things," Jigen said with a sort of gloat behind his bottle of spiced rum.

"I think he really figured that out when he signed on," Lupin said. "He's just in denial. C'mon, pass the liquor." As he was handed the bottle, a handcuff appeared on his wrist. "Crap."

"Lupin!" Zenigata said as he appeared from apparently nowhere. He was wearing his normal outfit minus the heavy trench coat and blazer. The other cuff was on his own wrist.

Lupin didn't even get up. He didn't even sit up as his arm was dragged up. "We don't have to do this. They totally know."

"What?" Zenigata shrieked. How a middle-aged Japanese man's voice could go up so high was a mystery to everyone. "What the hell did you –"

"This one was not my fault," Lupin said, giving his partners the eye. "Guys."

"Hey man, if I knew you were you were going, I wouldn't have followed," Jigen said as coolly as he normally did.

Zenigata grumbled and pulled up a seat next to Lupin. "On principle I should arrest you. But you're just gonna get away."

"There's the positive attitude of Interpol's finest," Lupin said, raising his shot glass to him. "Have a drink, Zenigata. On me."

Jigen sighed. "If you start necking, we're out of here."

Lupin had to hold Zenigata back from decking his partner. "After all I put you through with Fujiko –"

"Speaking of Fujiko," Goemon said with customary calmness, "she arrived from Miami this morning."

Lupin spit out his drink.

"So should we start a timer?" Jigen said. "For how long you have to live?"

"Aw man, aw man," Lupin gulped. "All right. If everyone's cool about this, she doesn't have to find out."

"I give him three hours," Jigen said. "Depending on traffic."

"Two," Goemon said.

"These are your friends?" Zenigata asked.

"Yeah, I can't believe it either." Lupin put his head in his hands.

"Great." Zenigata peered over his shoulder. "Holy shit! It's that cop!"

"What cop?"

"Crap, Lupin, you have to hide me! She's supposed to be my liaison while I'm in Jamaica!" He pushed his hat down over his face. "It's the woman with the bright red shirt and the badge clipped her to her belt. I'm gonna lose my job!"

"Cool it," Lupin said. "Get under the table. We'll cover for you. Wait, did you say liaison?"

"Get your mind outta the gutter!" Zenigata demanded as Lupin shoved him down under the table.

"Be cool, old man," Lupin said. "And don't look at me like that. You are an old man. Now be quiet. She's coming right here." He looked up and smiled as naturally as possible as the black Jamaican woman approached him.

"Arséne Lupin III," she said, actually pronouncing his name right through the thick local accent. He was impressed – very few people could do that.

"That is the name my daddy gave me," he said. "Do you have a warrant for my arrest or are you just stopping in to introduce yourself?"

"I'm Officer Vasquez, and you're lucky Interpol personally isn't hear to arrest you."

"Yeah, funny that," Jigen muttered before Lupin gave him a look.

"If you try anything, Mr. Lupin, you'll find Jamaica a very unwelcoming place," she threatened. This cop was all business. She clearly wanted to cuff him but didn't have the clearance.

"Well, I'll have you know, I'm as much a tourist as any other visitor to your fine island," Lupin said very diplomatically. "So I'm sorry, but unless you want to stakeout my hotel and watch me eat lobster, you're better off chasing another thief."

She didn't seem like she believed him, but she was willing to accept it at this juncture. "I'm keeping my eye on you. And your partners."

"Duly noted," Lupin said, spearing his lobster. He waited until she was across the street and back in her squad car. "She's gone."

Zenigata got back into his chair. "What an uptight cop."

"And this is coming from you." Lupin said, but earned a stare from Zenigata. "What?"


Those warm Jamaican nights – he loved them. It seemed like the weather was never bad, the nights never too stuffy or too breezy. Lupin stepped out of the shower and back into the room, half-dressed and with a towel over his head. The television was on. "I know this movie. Topkapi. It's about a heist of some Ottoman dagger."

Zenigata's expression on the bed was one of intense concentration. "I can't understand a word they're saying. My English isn't good enough."

"There's a lot of strange accents in this one." Lupin frowned. "I can barely follow what the blond chick is saying, and my English is just fine. They should have given her subtitles or something. But it's a good movie. You'd like it."

The inspector huffed. "What makes you think I would like the same movies as you?"

"Because," Lupin said as he sat down next to him, leaning against the headboard, "we're both obsessed with theft."

"Stop comparing us."

"Pops – "

"Don't call me that! I'm not your dad," Zenigata said.

"Well, what the hell else am I supposed to call you? Koichi?"

"No! The only people who call me that are my mother and my ex-wife."

"That's sad," Lupin mused. "Hey – you were married?"

"For eighteen years." Zenigata looked at him. "What? I had a normal life before you came along!"

"I didn't ask you to start chasing me!"

"I didn't ask you to be such an annoying little pest!"

"Can we please be together for ten minutes without one of us strangling each other?" Lupin said with a sigh.

"We have – "

"I mean ten minutes that don't involve sex."

"Oh," Zenigata said. "That's more difficult."

Lupin kissed him on the cheek and settled onto the pillow. The movie was still playing.

"What's the guy saying? The English guy?"

"He's trying to talk his way out a fine. Do you want to watch something else?"

"There's a bunch of other channels, but they're in French. And my French is worse than my English. My Korean is pretty good. Why don't you go rob something in Korea?"

"Zenigata, you're really so barely a cop right now."

"I will always be a cop, Lupin," Zenigata said seriously. "Not even you can change that."

"So if I robbed someone right now, you'd arrest me?"

"The cuffs are on the dresser, but don't ruin my vacation."

"I wasn't thinking of it," Lupin said. "And the cuffs are on the bedpost."

Zenigata looked over his shoulder. One handcuff was dangling from the pole. "Huh. So they are."


By the time Fujiko Mine arrived at the resort, it was already past ten. Tourists and vacationers were taking their last drinks on the patio next to the bar, which and ample view of the calming and beautiful Atlantic.

While some would dismiss Jigen as some kind of hard drinking gangster, Fujiko knew him better. She knew he liked drinking fine wines slowly, savoring their flavor for hours. In his hand was a wineglass probably containing the most expensive port on the island. "Hey," was his greeting, which was a lot for him, as she sat down next to him.

"So where is he?"

"Heh." He took another drag from his cigarette. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"We have business to discuss," she said very authoritatively. Her blouse was very low cut, but Jigen never gave her a second glance about it.

"Then you can catch him tomorrow, probably. Unless it's pressing."

"Maybe I just like his company."

"Yeah." He puffed a cloud of smoke. "Company."

"You know, for once I'd like to have a decent conversation with you." To this, he apparently had no response, so she continued. "So where is Lupin? I don't care of he's shacked up with someone."

"You don't."

"I don't." After all, this wouldn't be the first time she had walked – usually intentionally – in on him with some girl. She was past it.

He shrugged in his wicker seat. "Forget it."

"I know how to find him. I don't need you. But if you make my life easier I'll wait until he's finished."

He said nothing. She wasn't really expecting to get anything from Daisuke Jigen. The man was probably the most loyal person to Lupin on the planet. Still, it was always worth a try. "Fine. I'll go get him myself."

"Fujiko," he said suddenly as she stood up. "I really can't recommend this."

"What, I should just wait until he's available? I'm not some kind of lapdog like you are."

"Look - ," he said, suddenly sounding uncomfortable. "Just call him ahead and let him kick her out. Everyone will feel better and you'll be less of a nosey bitch."

"Why don't you do it, if you're so concerned about him?" she said, walking off in a huff. She would waste no more time with Jigen. She was a little more eager to see Lupin than she was willing to admit to herself or to him.

Lupin had his clever little list of nicknames and pseudonyms, and it was merely a matter of going down the list with the overly-helpful male concierge before she found one registered in the luxury suite. The room had keycard locks, which were easier enough to bypass with the right amount of machinery. But as the light turned green, the door pulled open seemingly on its own.

It was Lupin who had opened it. "Fujiko," he said in that sort of adorably hapless voice of his, but he didn't sound the least bit surprised. He was half-dressed in khakis and a dark blue shirt. Jigen had probably called him.

"Are you going to make me stand in the hallway all night or what?"

"Heh," he chuckled. "Fujiko – my darling - now is not a great time."

"So I gathered," she said, passing by him and into the living room of the suite. "I thought you'd be happier to see me."

"I heard you were in town," he said, changing the subject as she seated herself in one of the armchairs. "How was Berlin?"

"Same as ever. How was Rome?"

"Same as ever."

He wasn't usually this reserved around her, but that was all right. She'd practically caught him in the act. The door to the bedroom was closed; someone had probably been pushed out a window, knowing Lupin. "So I want in."

"If you're that hard up, I'll lend you some money so you can get your own room," he offered jokingly.

"Very funny, but I'm assuming you're not here for the scenery."

"Maybe I am. It's rather nice here."

She opened her purse and pulled out a brochure. It was for the Crystal Maiden, a cruise that would be briefly docking in Jamaica within the week. "My sources are as good as yours, Lupin."

He glanced at the brochure dismissively. He obviously didn't need to read it. "There's only one diamond. And it would be a crime to break it into pieces."

"And it's worth three million. I'll pay your share if you let me have it. Everybody wins."

"Except the people on that cruise."

"Well, yeah."

Lupin was probably considering it. He had probably considered it back when he had started planning this heist. He was intelligent enough to know she would show up and a part, but his face betrayed nothing. "Sixty-forty."

"Forget it!"

"Fine. Fifty-fifty, but you have to play a rather crucial role.'

"What, you think I'm not up for it?"

"Oi, Fujiko-chan, you know that's not what I meant," he said with the most devious smile he had in him. What was this? He was usually more apologetic. Maybe it was because he was already tuckered out for the night. "How about we discuss it tomorrow?"

"I come all the way from Germany and this is the thanks I get?" She asked because he was usually jumping all over her by now. Instead he was sitting calmly in the opposite seat, sipping a glass of bourbon. "Did your owners finally neuter you?"

"Does every business partnership involve this much abuse? Or are we just special?"

"Lupin, we're a lot more than a business partnership." She folded her arms, and caught him eyeing her chest. All right, so he hadn't joined the priesthood recently. "Or are we?"

He didn't answer her immediately – not in words, anyway. There was only so long her was going to hold out. That he had even made an effort was beyond exceptional. Something must have been really wrong with him, but it didn't seem polite to ask.

They moved to the bedroom. The sheets were crumpled up on the floor at the foot of the bed but neither of them minded. Lupin was the first one to come up for air, his expression pained.

"Fujiko," Lupin said suddenly with a heavy sigh. "I can't do this."

"What?"

"I – I promised someone I wouldn't do this." He picked himself up. "I'm sorry."

"Lupin, you have to be kidding," she said with disbelief. "I came all the way from Berlin."

"To get the diamond, yeah." He was rebuttoning his shirt.

"You have to be the dumbest man on earth," she said without hesitation, "to think this is only about diamonds."

He looked at her seriously, as if this was some sort of revelation. Sure, she had never admitted to actually caring about him, but she felt solidly that it had all been implied multiple times. For the first time, Lupin the Third actually looked like he didn't know what to do – and wasn't faking it. "I love you. I really do. I – I don't know how to express it. But I can't."

"There's someone else," she said. "That's fine. I thought we had the 'seeing other people' conversation."

"We didn't."

"Well you've been screwing around and I've been screwing around, if you want to be blunt about it. This has worked fine for years. So is it me, or what?"

He put his hand on his head. "No. No, it's not you. It's completely not you."

"If you want to rewrite the rules, you have to give me a little advanced warning," she demanded. "I think that's only fair."

From his expression, he seemed to agree with her. She had never seen him look so guilt-ridden. It was almost horrible to watch, even worse than going through the conversation altogether. "I'm sorry. Things have just gotten ... weird. Really fast. Probably too fast." He shook his head. "I don't know what I'm saying, exactly."

"You're not back together with Jigen again, are you?"

"I was never with Jigen," he corrected. "He's way too uptight about sex."

"It can't be Goemon. Goemon is totally straight. Hell, I've screwed Goemon."

He looked at her, amazingly, with some relief. "I feel better about this now."

"You shouldn't feel better!" She hurled a pillow at him. "You're ditching me for who exactly?"

"I'm not ditching you."

"Then what exactly do you call it when you throw me out for someone else?"

Lupin collapsed in the chair by the bed, putting his head in his hands. He really was broken up about this. "It's not like that. I mean, it's not supposed to be. I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"You didn't really think this through, did you?"

"No," he said miserably. "I didn't think it through at all. And it probably won't even work out – but I have to keep my promise."

He was really tearing himself up over this. She was finding it harder and harder to be mad at him. "You really care about her. Him. Whoever."

"Whoever."

"How long has this been going on?"

"A couple weeks. It happened right after you left." He made some attempt to defend himself. "You weren't around. I was drunk. Things happened. And then, a bunch more times." He sighed again. "I'm in over my head with this one. I think I love him."

"Well, that's just great. I'm so happy for you," she said in her most deadpan voice. "I'm glad we had this little conversation. I love being dumped."

"Fujicakes – "

"Go to hell, Lupin." She left before he could stop her.