Lie to Me
By DJ Clawson
Warning: This is slash. If you don't like, don't read. You were warned.
Chapter 4 – The Complication
"So did you tell her?"
"Let's just say she found out."
They didn't know Fujiko was there. Then again, she wasn't exactly making her presence known by hiding behind the potted plant. Fortunately, Jamaica had all kinds of wild bushes the size of a person, and Lupin was conspicuous enough to be sitting at a public café. He always did that, as if he was asking for trouble.
"Hey pal, I called you ahead."
"She didn't walk in on anything, if that's what you mean. But she found out."
Jigen put down his glass. "I'll just assume you handled this in the most asinine way possible."
"Thanks, buddy. It's good to know you have such confidence in me. You don't think I feel terrible enough as it is?"
"About dumping Fujiko? Seriously?"
"Jigen is right," Goemon offered. "The woman is nothing but trouble."
"Hell, I'd trade Fujiko for Zenigata any day. If we're talking in terms of unspoken fourth partners."
Lupin seemed annoyed by the idea. "First of all, Pops is hardly about to jump the law-abiding fence. Second, it'll be a cold day in hell before Fujiko totally gives up on that diamond."
"Kinda hard for you to tell her the plan if you guys aren't on speaking terms."
"She's probably pop back up when I've suffered enough. Or I go crawling back to her."
"But you're not gonna do that – right?"
There was some hesitation on Lupin's end. "I'm not really thinking long term right now."
"And that's been working out so well for you," Goemon said.
"Hey! Shut up!"
"Goemon's right," Jigen chimed in. "I hate to say it, Lupin, but you've got to get your love life straightened out - no pun intended. I mean, we need to know where we stand here."
"I know. Trust me guys, I know."
She had her own thoughts about this conversation, but she kept them to herself. She was like a cobra, and it wasn't yet time to strike. It was time to sit in the grass and be very, very, very angry that her longtime boyfriend had dumped her. At least until Lupin got up and left the table. Approaching him while his partners around just wasn't fair and it would probably get her something close to killed. She had no idea as to where he was going, but that was fine. If he was going to meet Zenigata, someone would just have to wait.
He noticed her at last at entrance to beach. "Hey ... Fujik –"
She smacked him across the face. "Zenigata?" Fujiko shrieked. "Fucking Zenigata?"
"Well, yes," he said haplessly. "I told you – I was drunk."
"That would explain like one time!"
"The second time he tricked me," he said. "The third time was really my fault though." He rubbed his cheek, which was now red.
"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. Of all the people in the world – it had to be Inspector Zenigata?"
"I was surprised as you were."
She hit him again. It was less satisfying this time.
"Please tell me you didn't do this to him," he mumbled.
"Are you kidding me? You think I would hit a cop?" she cried. "You - you're a horny little bastard that no woman in her right mind would sleep with, but he's a detective who's twice our age. Have a little respect, Lupin."
He shrugged. "I didn't know you felt that way about him."
"All right, I don't treat him that well, but he's still an authority figure. But I wouldn't sleep with him. And I always though he was straight. He has a kid, you know."
"Freud said that everyone is naturally bi – Hey, did you say he has a kid?"
"Yeah, a daughter. For all the times you've impersonated him, you've never done research on this guy? I expected more from you," she said with a frown. "He has a daughter. She lives in Osaka, but he doesn't have custody. Something about being an absentee father."
Lupin looked genuinely surprised. "I didn't know that."
"Well, don't bring it up. He's probably very sensitive about it. On the other hand, Zenigata's sensitive about everything. Especially you."
"So you're giving me relationship advice now?"
"Don't get any funny ideas. I'm still pissed at you," she said. "It figures. The one man I actually give a damn about leaves me for someone else."
"Well – Hey, did you mean that?" Because he really didn't seem to know. "About caring about me?"
"Of course, you idiot. I mean, I did," she insisted. But when he looked at her with those desperate eyes of his, something in her melted. "All right, I do. I'll tell you what – sixty-forty."
"What?"
"My dating wisdom doesn't come cheap. And trust me, you need it. I want a bigger cut of the diamond heist." She continued before he could say anything, "Speaking of which, do you have some kind of plan you want to let me in on now? And what about Zenigata? What are you going to tell him?"
Lupin shrugged. "Nothing. He's a cop."
Fujiko rolled her eyes. "Now this is a situation where you might need a little advice."
He seemed relieved that they were no longer shouting at each other, or at least Fujiko not shouting at him. The beach was deserted at this hour, so they had it to themselves. "I'm not a teenager, you know."
"You sure act like one sometimes," she said, sitting in the chair next to him. "And don't give me that look. You know you do. But my point is, if you pull this heist, Zenigata won't exactly be thrilled."
"He shouldn't be surprised," he said. "I am a thief."
"And he's a cop. So what's he supposed to do – go after you? You don't think sleeping with him complicates that? But I bet he's not willing to just resign." She watched his reaction. "So he's not willing to quit, and you're not willing to quit. Something has to give."
"You know, there's a difference between advice and judgment."
"No there isn't," she said. "Look, if he really means enough to you for you to make some attempt at monogamy, you owe it to him to try to come up with something here."
"I guess you're right," Lupin said, but only very reluctantly. "Crap, I didn't know it was going to be this hard."
"Welcome to a relationship," she said in her most deadpan voice.
"So there's good news and bad news," Lupin said as he poured himself a drink from the minibar. He had a feeling he was going to need something good and strong. "The bad news is Fujiko found out – "
"WHAT?"
" – and the good news is that I think she's okay with it," he continued. "At least, she hasn't killed me yet."
"For a criminal, you sure aren't that good at keeping secrets," Zenigata said.
"Most criminals aren't. It's how they get caught. But hey, that list of 'people we never, ever want to find out' is that much shorter now."
"I'm so relieved." But it didn't sound like it was even remotely true. Zenigata disappeared in the bathroom, apparently to shave. Lupin sighed and laid down on the bed. This had been complicated back in Nice, and now it was basically a complete mess. Nothing he could say – no matter how clever – seemed to be able to talk him out of this one. He should have stopped it somewhere. He should stop it now, but he didn't want to.
He rolled over. The contents of Zenigata's pockets had been hastily emptied on the bed stand, including his import cigarettes and his wallet. Lupin picked it up.
"There had better still be twenty-two dollars in there when I get out," Zenigata called from the bathroom. It was uncanny.
"You're ruining all my fun," Lupin said, but he wasn't actually interested in Zenigata's literal pocket change. He flipped through the pictures, which included several of a little girl at various ages. He was transfixed by the smiling Japanese girl with bright eyes staring back at him, at least until Zenigata grabbed the wallet out of his hands furiously.
"Don't touch my stuff!" he growled.
"Relax. It's all there."
"My personal life is not your business!"
"Zenigata," Lupin said, "I am your personal life."
"Don't remind me," Zenigata grumbled as he wiped the last of the shaving cream away with the towel.
"Your daughter's cute, by the way."
"Shut up!" Maybe Fujiko had been right – maybe this wasn't a good topic. "What she is or she isn't is none of your business. And how I would I know what she looks like, I haven't seen her in so long. Which is your fault, by the way."
Lupin sensed this wasn't the time to contradict him. "I'm sorry. Jeez, I'm just apologizing all over the place today."
"And I thought you never owned up to anything."
"Why can't I be in relationships with normal people? Who compliment me?" Lupin said.
"On what, your taste in jackets?"
"Why is everyone always making fun of the jackets? There's nothing wrong with them. Don't you own a green trench coat?"
"It was a phase. I blame you for that!"
"You blame me for everything. But I've brought so much good into your life. You got to see the world – "
" – running around like a maniac – '
" – became Interpol's most famous inspector – "
" – and a laughingstock of my department –"
" – and when was the last time you were laid?" He looked at his watch. "What's it been, like twenty – "
"My sex life is none of your business!" Zenigata shouted. "Oh wait – yes it is. Sorry."
Lupin rubbed his temples. "Yeah, I know. It's sort of hard to get used to."
"What are we doing, Lupin?" Zenigata took his place next to him in bed, wondering out loud.
"Other than the obvious? If I knew, I would tell you," was his answer. "Look, I'm having fun, and I assume you're having fun, and nobody's getting hurt. I mean, other than me, and Fujiko, and and quite possibly my partners." He sighed. "I forget where I was going with this."
"The point is, you never think about the consequences of anything you do," Zenigata mumbled.
"Please, let's not do this," Lupin said tiredly. "I've already gotten yelled at enough today. And hit. I'm exhausted."
"Should we really be spending the night together? What if somebody's keeping tabs on us?"
"Then they've already gotten an eyeful," Lupin said with a yawn. He rolled over, leaning on Zenigata's shoulder. "Stop worrying and go to sleep."
"Little brat."
"Love you, too," Lupin said, and closed his eyes.
