Chapter 3
I'm pretending to listen to Ronna but keeping an eye on the presidential candidate who's making my life hell today, when a van pulls up. Glancing over, I see Donna sitting in the passenger seat. Great. That's what I need now, Donna yelling at me in front of the man I'm trying to get elected president.
Now, I've thought about this since this morning. Kissing her then and there might not have been the smartest thing I've ever done in my life. But it's certainly not the stupidest thing either. I mean, really. I've dated Mandy Hampton and Amy Gardner, twice. This wasn't even close to as stupid as that was. Why couldn't she see that?
It occurs to me, as I watch Donna step out of the van, as if in slow motion, that maybe I never should have listened to CJ. I mean, really? She's whom I choose to seek advice from on love? She's my age, four months older to be exact, and she's still single. Why would I think she knows any more than I do? She's as pathetic in this whole love thing as I am. What was I thinking?
But the thing is, I wanted to do that. I've wanted to for years. And when she walked in that room, looking as beautiful as ever, and she smiled at me in that way that made me feel like the most important man on the planet, it didn't matter that CJ had dared me. That was Donna and for the first time in my life, it wasn't taboo for me to touch her, kiss her, taste her, and damn it, I was going to. So I swallowed my insecurities and I forced my feet to move to her. To Donna…where I belong. And with just one touch of my hand to her cheek there was no turning back.
But why did I just go back to business as usual? Why do I do that? I take a step forward with her, and then just turn around and take a step back. I see myself making progress and then pretending as though that never happened, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's almost as if some moron is putting words in my mouth, forcing me to act in a way I know is preposterous, and his entire goal is to drive me insane by dangling Donna in front of my face and then taking her away. I mean, Donna probably had questions for me today. She was probably confused. We probably should have discussed what that kiss meant. Instead, I turned to Will and went on with the meeting. Why?
I know why. Of course I know why. For just the reason I said above. She probably had questions for me. And being me, I certainly wasn't ready to answer any questions and even if I had been, I wouldn't have wanted to answer them in front of Will. I mean, like I'm going to discuss my love life in front of Will Bailey. Of course, I'm the one who dragged Will Bailey into my love life by beginning it, or attempting to, in front of him. I know I don't make sense, just go with me here.
And then out in that hallway, I had to me. I just had to be. I told her I kissed her because it was a dare. Imagine how that would feel. The man you love, and yes, I realize I'm making assumptions there, finally kisses you after working together for seven years and eleven months, take away the six weeks when she went back to Freeride, and then he tells you it was because of a dare? That couldn't have made her feel wanted, needed, loved, appreciated, sexy, swept off her feet… all the things I wanted her to feel. No…instead of saying something suave, something like, 'I've been waiting to do that for what felt like my whole life and I just couldn't wait another second," I say 'It's not my fault. CJ double dog dared me." That's what I chose to say???????
She says hi as she approaches and I somehow manage one back. She doesn't look as pissed as she was before, but my ego is still bruised, and so I don't show any enthusiasm. She and Ronna have a thing and then I ask her if Donna and I can have a minute and she leaves.
"You couldn't have done that this morning?" she asks me.
"What?"
"Told Will we needed a minute alone."
I smirk a little as I once again realize that her problem wasn't with the kiss itself. "It would've blown the surprise," I say, looking straight ahead.
"Well, I was surprised. I'll give you that."
"Did you get in trouble with your…boss?" I ask hesitantly. It's hard for me to acknowledge that she works for anyone other than me, especially him.
She shrugs. "I've been avoiding him."
I nod. "I'm sorry…about earlier."
Her head snaps in my direction. "Are you apologizing to me?"
I finally look over at her. "Yes."
She smiles an evil little smile, which actually makes me feel a little better, like everything's going to be ok. "Are you feeling ok?"
"I can apologize," I say defensively, but with a smile of my own.
"Really? I've never heard you."
"Well, I've apparently never done anything to you before that warranted it," I say smugly.
She makes a pff sound, but then looks at the ground. "Are you really sorry?" she asks quietly.
"Yes," I say soberly.
"About what?"
"What do you mean, about what?" I screech out. "Don't you remember?"
She looks back at me. "It was three hours ago, Josh. Of course I remember," she deadpans.
"Then why are you…"
"What exactly about it are you sorry about, about earlier?" she asks, interrupting me.
My eyebrows shoot up. "Was that a real sentence?"
She glares at me. "Could you please work with me here?"
"Fine. But I really don't know what you're asking me."
She takes a deep breath, still glaring at me. "Are you sorry about the entire…" she waives her hand between us.
I stare at her, waiting for her to continue. "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You're an idiot."
I throw my hands in the air. "Thank you. I appreciate it. Really. I love days where I kiss a woman who calls me deranged, then accuses me of trying to get her fired, and finally calls me an idiot. Days like that are wonderful. They do well for my ego."
"Your ego can use a little deflating," she says pointedly. "What about a day where you're kissed in your boss' office two weeks into a new job by your old boss who no doubt hates that you left him and you're then told that said kiss was only done because of a double dog dare. What does that day do for your ego?"
"I never said only," I say quietly.
"What?" she says rather loudly.
"I never said only. You said that I told you I only kissed you because of a dare. I never said only."
"Oh." It gets quiet for a minute and we both go back to looking at our shoes. "You still haven't answered my question," she finally says.
"I still don't understand your question."
"Bull. You know exactly what I was asking you. You knew what I was asking the first time. You knew what I was asking before the words actually came out of my mouth because you saw the question in my eyes. You know the question."
"Yeah," I sigh more than say.
"So?"
"I was trying to make a statement," I say instead of answering the question. I don't want to answer the question. I made the statement, why do I have to answer the question too? Am I sorry about all of it, including the kiss. That was the question, in case you don't understand the language of Donnatella Moss.
"That didn't answer the question."
"I had it planned out."
"And my reaction isn't what you were expecting."
I shake my head. "No."
"I don't know what you were ex…"
"My reaction wasn't what I planned either," I interrupt, stressing the word 'my.'
"What?"
"I didn't mean to…"… be a pansy ass and chicken shit and go on with a meeting instead of talking about it. I don't say any of that last stuff. I don't quite know how to word it.
"Turn to Will and pretend it never happened?"
I nod, still looking at my shoes. "Right."
"You still haven't answered my question."
"No."
"Well, would you?"
"I just did."
She turns towards me. I keep my head down, but I can see her out of the corner of my eye. "Oh…" she says after a minute. It's quiet again after that, and then she asks, "Which parts weren't you sorry about?"
"I think you know."
We leave that hang out there for a minute and it occurs to me that Donna and I have never had this many pauses in a conversation. I think it's because we never let each other contemplate for too long. That would've been dangerous. But now, we just stand here quietly and stare at the ground, caught up in our thoughts.
"You were trying to make a statement," she says quietly a minute later.
"Yes."
She picks her head up and looks at me. "I'm going to make a statement too."
I look up. "You are?" I ask her, eyebrows raised. What statement is she going to make?
She nods once. "Yes. I'm going to hug you."
Oh. That statement. "That's great. That's just what a man wants after kissing a woman. A friendly hug."
"Shut-up and hug me."
"Fine." I turn towards her and hug her. I bury my face in the shoulder of her coat and just hold her. I've missed her so much that although it's not the reaction I was hoping for, and just so we're clear on that, I was hoping for something with a lot less clothes, it's still nice.
Whoa. What is that? I'm standing here hugging Donna, when all of a sudden my earlobe is in her mouth and her fingers are in my hair? What's going on? "Uh, Donna?" I squeak out like a 12 year-old going through puberty. Is it completely impossible for me to sound like a man when I'm flustered? She doesn't answer me, she just continues with the earlobe thing, which I like a lot, by the way.
"Donna? Umm…" Words trail off and turn into a groan as she starts kissing my neck, sucking a piece of skin into her mouth. It occurs to me that I should maybe be reciprocating, but I'm paralyzed where I stand. And then, as quickly as it began, she pulls back and looks at me.
It takes me just a second to find my voice. "Umm… you didn't really say anything. You just…"
"You didn't say anything in your statement either," she says smiling, starting to back away from me.
"Don't go!" Oh wow. That sounded pathetic. "Statement with me some more." Statement with me some more????? Smooth.
She wiggles her eyebrows. "I already did. You just have to find it," she says, taking a stack of letters from someone and turning around, heading into the post office.
What the hell is she talking about? I have to find her statement? What does that mean? I stare at her as she walks away, God she's beautiful.
Ronna comes back a minute later. "She works for Russell?"
"Yeah," I say, tearing my eyes from the post office doors and turning to Ronna, putting my hands in my pockets and my head down into my coat a little, trying to both warm up and hide the look of awe on my face.
"What're all the letters?"
"Hmm…" I ask, pulling out something in my pocket and looking at it.
"The letters?" She sees the post-it note I'm holding. "What'ya got?"
I read the post-it note in my hand. 'Colby Hill Inn. Room 5.' "Hmm?" I ask, looking up at her. She nods towards the note. "Oh this?" I say smiling in what is no doubt a pre-pubescent way. "It's a statement."
