Thanks Cyran! I really appreciate the reviews. As you all already know, I only own Katz and his mother. All right, let's get on with the new chapter.
Chapter 3: Lucky Number Sixteen
Katz's vacuum cleaner was running slow, due to a full dust bag, but the "evil" wizard finally made it to his hidden coliseum. He arrived in time to see his captives standing wide-eyed in a circle around Auron, Mitsurugi, and Sephiroth. The three swordsmen were engaged in a heated argument about whose was better. However, Katz was only 4'9", so he couldn't see what it was that the three of them were comparing from his position behind Seifer.
"Mine is the most balanced, so mine is the best," Mitsurugi announced.
"Yours is so tiny that I'm surprised that you can find it without a magnifying glass!" Sephiroth retorted, waving his own around. "Mine is better because it's at least five times longer than yours, little man!"
Auron shook his head in disgust and said, "So what? I've seen toothpicks that weren't as skinny as what you have!"
"Oh, yeah?" Mitsurugi sneered, "Well, where's yours at, huh? I don't see you waving yours around."
The guardian pulled his out and his two rivals' jaws dropped. "Mine's better than both of yours, so you can both shut up!"
"Oh, wow…" Seymour softly said, starry-eyed.
"I am seriously impressed!" Cloud added, saluting Auron.
"Aw, I've seen it plenty of times before, and it's not really a big deal," Tidus said dismissively.
Katz did not like where this conversation was headed, and he shouted, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"
Everyone turned around and stared down at the wizard. Katz was short, squat, and balding, with lurid tangerine robes and squinty brown eyes reminiscent of a rodent. "What the hell is going on?" he repeated, modifying his voice.
When nobody else said anything, Yugi stepped forward and said, "Well, Auron, Sephiroth, and Mitsurugi all found out that they all have a sword called Masamune, and they got into this whole measuring contest. Why, was there something wrong with that?"
Katz shook his head and said, "Never mind, it's not important."
"Hey, wait a minute! Were you…" Zell began.
"Yes?" the wizard asked with an evil smile.
"Were you captured, too?" the martial artist finished.
At that question, Katz fell over and little teardrops popped up over his head. A moment later, he got to his feet, dusted himself off, and gave Zell a baleful look. "No, I haven't been captured. I'm the one who captured you all, and there's nothing you can do about it! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I wouldn't be so sure of that, if I were you," Vincent told him, pulling out the Death Penalty and pointing it at the wizard's head.
Katz gulped and surrendered, "Okay, okay! There IS something you can do about it, but you'll all be stuck here forever if you kill me."
"Who ARE you?" Kilik asked, keeping his staff in an attacking stance. "And why have you kidnapped us?"
"I'm so glad you asked," the wizard brightly replied.
He drew himself up into what was supposed to be a dignified pose, cleared his throat, and in his practiced villain voice, announced, "I am the evil wizard, Katz, and I have brought you sixteen men…"
"Fifteen," Kaiba interrupted.
"What?"
"There are fifteen of us here," the hacker told him.
Katz stopped and stared blankly at him, and then started counting his captives. "One, two, three…GODDAMNIT!"
The wizard snapped his fingers and a tiny silver whistle appeared. He blew into it, but no discernible sound came out. "Hey fat-ass, what do you think you're doing?" Seifer wanted to know.
"Why the hell do you have to call everyone names, Rufus?" Vincent demanded.
"My name's not Rufus, and I'll call anyone whatever I want, Vampire Boy!"
"I'm not a fucking vampire, you jackass!"
Yami took over Yugi's body and asked, "Well, if you aren't a vampire, then what are you?"
Before anyone could look askance at the little duelist's transformation, a flock of flying monkeys dropped out of the sky in front of the wizard. The lead monkey approached and chattered a question. Katz listened to it, seeming to understand, and asked, "Bobo, didn't I say that I needed sixteen people for my evil plan?"
Bobo the flying monkey nodded, and the wizard said, "Well, why in bloody hell do I only have FIFTEEN people, then?"
The monkey chattered another question, and Katz replied, "Yes, I DO want you to go find another person, so get your hairy ass moving!"
Bobo and the rest of the monkeys flew away, and returned a little while later, carrying a big brown gorilla in a red necktie. The lead monkey chattered proudly and pointed at the confused ape. Katz's face turned red, and he shouted, "I said find a person! I didn't tell you to bring me fucking Donkey Kong!"
Bobo squeaked indignantly, and the wizard yelled, "I don't care if you think he's hot! Take his big ass back to the goddamn jungle and bring me a person!"
The flying monkeys left again, taking Donkey Kong with them, and the wizard sighed and turned back to his captives. "It's so hard to find good help these days," he told them.
"Tell me about it!" Kaiba agreed.
A little while later, the little simians returned, this time carrying a Japanese girl in a green and white school uniform. "Hey, what's going on?" the girl asked, a bemused expression on her face.
Katz smacked his forehead, and said, "Bobo, didn't I already tell you that I needed a guy?"
When the monkey nodded, the wizard grabbed it by the collar and yelled, "WELL, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING KAGOME HERE?"
He ranted and raved a little while longer, and Bobo sighed and carried Kagome back to Tokyo. Katz pushed back the baggy sleeves of his bright orange robes, and said, "If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself!"
He raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"
…
In feudal Japan, a little girl, a froglike imp, and a two-headed dragon horse followed a one-armed demon with long white hair and gold eyes. Suddenly, a raging storm swept out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning struck the ground, and the demon and the imp disappeared. "Where did Lord Sesshomaru and Lord Jaken go?" Rin wondered.
…
Everyone snickered at Katz's magical incantation, until Sesshomaru and Jaken dropped out of the sky. The wizard hopped up and down and crowed, "Woo-hoo! My Time-Travel spell worked!"
"Time-travel?" Sesshomaru was confused.
"Yeah, you've been captured by the evil wizard, Katz," Nightmare told him.
The demon stared at the dark knight's right arm with great interest. "Where did you get that?" he asked.
"My sword gave it to me after I became evil."
Sesshomaru pulled out the dark sword, Tokijin, and gave it an accusing stare. "Why didn't you give me a new arm like that?"
The sword flickered in a manner that seemed to say, "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't give me that! I KNOW that you're capable of doing such a thing."
Nightmare tapped the demon on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I've got the left arm, if you want it."
Sesshomaru nodded, and the dark knight reached down his pants and pulled out a huge demon arm. Kilik gave him a suspicious look, and asked, "How did you manage to fit that in there?"
"Aw, Uncle Kilik, you know that everybody has a magic pocket to keep stuff in," Nightmare replied, handing the arm to Sesshomaru.
Meanwhile, Zell whined, "Squall, I'm hungry!"
The SeeD commander suppressed the urge to bonk his friend over the head, and asked, "Do you still have Eden junctioned?"
When the fighter nodded, he continued, "Well, why don't you go Devour that little frog-man over there."
"I'm not a frog!" Jaken shouted as Zell picked him up, "Lord Sesshomaru, HELP!"
The white demon looked up just as the fighter finished swallowing the imp whole, and said, "That's okay; the little fucker was starting to annoy me, anyway."
Finally, Katz stopped his joyful bouncing, and turned his attention back on the group. "Now that I finally have all sixteen of you in my power, I can finally unleash the second phase of my evil plot!"
No, I'm not unfolding the "evil" plot just yet. Also, I do realize that Kagome, Jaken, and Sesshomaru probably wouldn't understand English, but I don't speak Japanese, so there! (Sticks out tongue) Anyway, I don't own them, either, and I want you to review so I know how I'm doing.
