I want to thank Chaka, Cyran, Kiki, and now Queen Strife for their reviews. I know that last chapter was creepy, but this one will be better, I promise. (Stops and thinks) Wait a minute…actually, this one might be worse. Well, let me stop babbling and let you come to your own conclusions.
Chapter 6: The Tournament Begins!
Katz awoke the next day, feeling much refreshed and ready to begin his "evil" tournament…whether his prisoners liked it or not. He changed from his Superman pajamas into some iridescent aquamarine robes and went downstairs for breakfast. After wolfing down a couple of Pop Tarts, he kissed his mother goodbye, remounted his vacuum cleaner, and flew back to the arena. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to change the bag again, so the trip took the better part of an hour.
Finally, the wizard arrived and he opened his mouth to give them all a carefully rehearsed speech about something or other, but then he saw Seymour and instead, demanded, "Why the hell is he tied up?"
"The damn pervert couldn't keep his hands to himself and kept trying to play touchie-feelie last night, so we were forced to tie him up," Kilik explained.
"Uncle Kilik, what's a pervert?" Mitsurugi asked.
"It means that Seymour likes to touch people 'there'," Nightmare told him. "You'd know that if you weren't such a big dorkface!"
That immediately set off a fight between the two of them, which everyone else decided to ignore. "I really don't see what the big deal is," Zell sighed, "It was just a kiss."
If looks could kill, then the blond SeeD would have immediately dropped dead from the glare that Sephiroth gave him. "The bastard stuck his fucking tongue IN MY MOUTH!" he snarled.
"Why don't we let Seymour come over here and whisper dirty things to you in your sleep?" Cloud suggested, his blue eyes flashing with anger.
"Ooh, can I?" the Guado asked with a vile grin in Zell's direction.
"NO!" everyone shouted in unison.
Katz rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Okay, is there anyone else who has a complaint against Seymour?"
Tidus waved his hand and shouted, "Auron does! Handlebar Head said something to him last night, and got punched in the face for it."
"Shut up, Tidus!" the guardian growled.
The wizard rolled his eyes again and sighed, "What did he say?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh come on! We're all adults here…" He stopped and looked at Mitsurugi and Nightmare. "Well, most of us are, so you can tell me."
Auron gave Seymour a baleful stare, and then turned and whispered something into the tiny mage's ear. Katz's eyes went wide, and he started to blush furiously. "Is that even physically possible?" he asked, staring at the maester with astonishment.
Seymour shrugged. "I don't know, but I'd really like to find out."
"You're nasty! I oughtta let those poor guys have a free hand with you..."
Cloud, Auron, and Sephiroth all gave the Guado an evil grin, and pulled out their swords, but the wizard raised his hand and continued to speak. "I ought to, but they'll just have to wait until the tournament."
The three violated swordsmen let out sighs of disappointment and put their weapons away. Meanwhile, Sesshomaru stared down at the tiny mage and asked, "When is this tournament supposed to take place?"
Katz snapped his fingers, and a large black top hat appeared. "The tournament will begin shortly, but first, I have to draw the names of the first two combatants. I put everyone's names in this hat, and I'll pull two of them out. Whomever I pick will be the first ones to fight. Oh, and if any of you get the bright idea to try and lose on purpose; if you try it, I will personally make sure that you will spend the next ten years chained to the wall as Seymour's personal entertainment."
"What about Fruitcake? What happens if he tries to lose on purpose?" Seifer demanded.
"He'll spend the same amount of time working in a home for elderly nymphomaniacs with social diseases."
"But wouldn't he like that?" Vincent asked, "How would that be a punishment?"
"He'll be sexually impotent," Katz told him. "Now stop interrupting me so I can get the drawing over with."
Everyone watched at the little man as he reached down into the hat and pulled out two slips of paper. He opened up the first one and announced, "The first fighter will be Seymour, and the second fighter will be…"
Cloud, Auron, and Sephiroth all looked hopeful, but everyone else looked worried. The drama dragged on interminably, but finally Kaiba yelled, "Stop dragging it out and tell us already!"
"Okay, okay! The second fighter is Yugi!" Katz told them, much to the tiny duelist's dismay.
"No! I don't want to fight Seymour!" Yugi yelled, "Can't you pick someone else?"
"Sorry, little man, but those are the breaks. By the way, this match is a purely physical one. Neither one of you can use any kind of magical powers, nor can you have any weapons other than what you were born with. That means that Yami and Anima can't come out during this match, and you can't use your Duel Monsters cards."
The wizard snapped his fingers again, and he and his captives, except for Yugi and Seymour, found themselves sitting in the stands above the arena. They all looked confused, and Katz explained, "There's a much better view from up here. Besides, I don't want any of you to be close enough to be tempted to take matters into your own hands."
Seymour gave Yugi a smile reminiscent of Jack Nicholson and slowly removed his heavy coat. "Don't worry, little one," he said, dropping his coat to the ground, "This will be a good kind of hurt, I promise."
The duelist's violet eyes filled with fear, and he slowly backed away from the Guado. "Yami, what am I going to do?" he asked the spirit of the Millennium Puzzle.
"I don't know," the pharaoh replied in the recesses of Yugi's soul. "Katz has blocked my powers, so I can't help you. Just run away and try not to let him grab you from behind."
"Oh, that's just GREAT! How the hell is that supposed to help me?" Yugi shouted, just as Seymour lunged at him.
The duelist barely evaded the maester's attempts to grab him, and he ran away as fast as his little legs would take him, screaming, "Somebody help me!"
Joey and Kaiba both sighed and did the infamous anime sweatdrop as they watched their companion run all over the arena. "This is really embarrassing," Joey groaned.
"Tell me about it!" Kaiba agreed.
Squall tapped Katz on the shoulder and said, "You DO know that we're going to witness a rape if this goes on too much longer, don't you?"
"I'll stop it if it gets to that point, don't worry," the wizard reassured the SeeD commander.
Then Seymour tackled Yugi, and the two of them fell to the ground. The fighters struggled for a couple of minutes, but the Guado ended up sitting on the duelist's stomach and left arm. The boy squirmed and tried to hit his attacker with his free hand, but he didn't have enough leverage to make any heavy blows. Finally, the maester grabbed Yugi's arm and pinned it to the ground before leaning over to whisper dire things in his ear. "You and I are going to have a lot of fun before I kill you," Seymour purred, his eyes full of sadistic glee. "And I can promise you that I'll enjoy every minute of it, and maybe you will too. Go ahead and fight…that just makes it all the more enjoyable for me."
Yugi screamed again, and the Guado started laughing malevolently. He stopped, however, when the duelist's bangs waved about and made a weird trilling noise. "What the hell…" he trailed off, staring at the wriggling bangs.
Suddenly, Yugi's multicolored hair screeched loudly, leaped off its owner's scalp, and attached itself to Seymour's face. The maester let out a muffled shriek and tried to dislodge the attacking hair, but its blond bangs had an iron grip on his head. The attack looked like an event out of one of the "Alien" movies, only with hair instead of a bug. Yugi, now bald and feeling violated, quickly scooted backward as Seymour struggled and screamed. Nobody knew what the hair was doing, but it had to be excruciatingly painful, judging by the Guado's muted shouts, and the whole thing was unnerving everyone.
Finally, the perverted maester's cries stopped, and he fell to the ground and twitched like a dying cockroach. Once the twitching ended, the multihued attack hair released its grip on Seymour and scooted back to its owner, who placed it back on his head.
Katz snapped his fingers once more, and everyone was back in the arena. They all ran to check on Yugi, who had gotten up and dusted himself off. "Yugi, what the fuck was that?" Sephiroth demanded, keeping his distance in case the hair decided to attack again.
The little duelist looked up at everyone with haunted eyes and said, "My hair is the result of a genetic experiment gone wrong, and it comes alive and attacks people every once in a while. That's also the reason why its three different colors."
"It isn't going to attack anyone else, is it?" Squall asked, eyeing the hair with suspicion.
"No, it only attacks once every five years, so everyone is safe now."
"Everyone except Seymour, that is," Auron said, nudging him with his foot.
The Guado's face seemed perfectly normal, except for the trickles of blood running from his mouth and nostrils. Seifer leaned down and looked at the fallen villain with great curiosity. "So Fat-ass does this mean that Shrimpo won?"
Katz thought about it for a moment and nodded. "The hair was a part of Yugi when he was born, so it wasn't an illegal weapon. Yugi is the winner of the first match of the first round."
The wizard pointed a finger at Seymour's body, and Cloud yelled, "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"
"I never said that I was going to let you people die, so I'm bringing him back to life."
"Why would you want to do something like that?" Zell wanted to know.
"Why not?"
"You do realize that he'll just try to molest people again, don't you?" Kilik told him.
"Don't worry, I won't keep him here; I'll send him back where he came from." Katz raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"
Once again, there was a flash of lightning, and Seymour came back to life, but immediately vanished in a puff of purple smoke. "There, is everyone satisfied now?" the wizard asked.
…
Back in the Farplane, St. Peter was sitting in a recliner, sipping at an umbrella cocktail, and listening to Jecht tell Braska another dirty joke, when someone fell on top of him. "Holy shit! Are you okay?" the blitz star asked, as he and the High Summoner ran to help the saint.
St. Peter got to his feet and looked at who had fallen on him. "Well, it looks like I'm back everyone," Seymour said with a smile.
"GODDAMNIT! I thought I wasn't going to have to listen to your stupid voice anymore!" the saint roared with anger.
Braska tugged at the angry man's robes and said, "Didn't you just get that new reincarnation upgrade installed?"
"Oh yeah, I remember that!" Jecht chimed in. "Hey, why don't you send Handlebar Head back to Spira and then you won't have to deal with him again."
St. Peter reached inside his voluminous white robes, pulled out a remote control, and pointed it at Seymour with a vicious grin. "Let's see how much trouble you can get into now!"
He pushed a button, and the maester disappeared in a flash of yellow light.
…
Somewhere on Spira, a baby shoopuf was born with a pair of tiny sprigs sticking out of the sides of its head. The Hypello who owned it thought the little protuberances were strange, and thought to himself, "Maybe dish shoopuf be shomething shpecial?"
The little beast of burden let out a despairing cry, and the Hypello immediately changed his mind about it being important.
Well, I finally got rid of that prick Seymour! (Wild cheering) I know a shoopuf doesn't sound like a terrible reincarnation, but it's the best I can come up with at one in the morning. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this, and I'll be waiting for your reviews.
