Well, I'm glad Chaka and Cyran reviewed, but I have some unfortunate news. My Hell-Kittens escaped…yes, all 500,000 of them. I think that most of them escaped into the various Demon Worlds, but there may still be a few of them left on Earth. Anyway, here's the new chapter.
Chapter 9: Whiffled
It was mid afternoon and the first round of the tournament was almost halfway over. Seymour, Seifer, and Tidus all lost their matches, and Katz was ready to add a new member to the list. The wizard pulled out his hat full of names, and said, "Okay everyone, this will be the last match of the day, and…"
His announcement stopped when a high-pitched scream, followed by a strange buzzing noise filled the air. "Ahh! Stop it, you crazy bitch!" Seifer yelled.
Princess Muumuu was poking the ex-knight with what appeared to be a pink wand with a silver star stuck on the end, and every time she touched him, he jerked as if he were having a seizure. "You shouldn't have made faces at me, Raccoon-Boy," she calmly replied, still prodding him with the electrified wand. "If you would have left me alone, then none of this would be happening now."
"I'm beginning to think that Katz's plan is a lot more evil, now that we know what Princess Muumuu is like," Kilik said, nervously watching the tiny girl torture Seifer.
The monk stopped, realizing that the wizard may have heard him, but Katz was busy staring at Muumuu with an oddly adoring expression on his face. "Oh, I wish she'd hit me with that wand," he sighed.
"WHAT?" all his captives, except for Seifer, shrieked.
The mage snapped out of his freaky reverie, realized where he was, and quickly said, "Never mind. Let's go ahead and see who's going to fight now."
He rummaged around in the hat, searching for two new names, while Vincent scratched his head and asked, "Is it me, or is the wizard really creepy?"
"He's nuts, end of story," Joey replied.
Whatever else anyone would have said remained unheard, because Katz finally pulled out two slips of paper and quickly opened them. "The fighters of the last match of the day will be Auron and Zell."
"OH YEAH!" the bubbly SeeD cheered.
"Let's get this over with," Auron said, shouldering his giant katana.
The wizard transported everyone back into the stands, where Muumuu continued to hit Seifer with her electrified wand. Auron and Zell turned to face each other, but the mage held up his hand and said, "Hold on a minute. I haven't given you your weapons yet."
"What are you talking about?" Squall wanted to know. "They already have weapons."
Katz shook his head. "No, they can't use their own weapons in this battle, so I'll give them both a new one."
He flicked his fingers and a pair of Whiffleball Bats appeared. "What the hell are these?" Zell demanded.
"Those are your weapons. You have to fight each other using those, and you'll be disqualified if you try to use your own stuff."
"Well I guess I lose, then, because I refuse to use such a stupid looking weapon," Auron said, refusing to touch the bat. "And you got rid of Seymour, so that threat won't work anymore."
The wizard shrugged. "That's true, but if you get disqualified, then you'll spend the rest of eternity believing that you're a six year-old girl."
"You can't do that!"
"Oh no? You'd be surprised at what my magic's capable of." Katz shot the swordsman a wicked grin. "I may be small, but I can definitely carry out my threats. I'm pretty sure my mother would just love to fix your hair and everything."
Auron picked up the Whiffleball Bat and muttered something unintelligible, but dire under his breath. Zell bounced up and down, waved his bat around, and shouted, "Let's go, old man!"
The fight began, and the princess stopped tormenting her prisoner to watch. Auron, now pissed, swung the makeshift weapon around and caught the SeeD with a crack to the jaw. "Whiffle!" screamed the bat, as Zell dropped to the ground.
"What the fuck? Why did it scream whiffle?" the guardian wanted to know.
"It's a Whiffleball Bat! What kind of noise did you think it was going to make?" Katz shouted over everyone else's laughter.
Zell got to his feet and took advantage of Auron's momentary distraction by grabbing the older man's ponytail and whacking him on top of the head several times with his own bat. "Whiffle, whiffle, whiffle!" screamed the SeeD's weapon, sending the spectators into paroxysms of laughter.
"Uncle Kilik, I want a bat like that!" Nightmare giggled.
"Me, too!" Mitsurugi chimed in.
The monk sighed and said, "Maybe Santa will bring both of you one for Christmas, if you're good."
"Yay!" the two childish warriors cheered.
Meanwhile, the fight continued, with Zell and Auron ducking, dodging, and whiffling one another in their attempts to beat each other senseless. The fight dragged on for what seemed like forever, but then the lively martial artist cracked his opponent on the bridge of his nose, breaking his sunglasses in the process. "You little bastard!" Auron spat in rage, "I paid 500 gil for those glasses."
"Dude, you overpaid!" Zell snickered.
Finally, the guardian's temper snapped, and he charged at his opponent. Using his weight advantage, Auron rammed Zell, and knocked him off balance. Then, he snatched the boy's Whiffleball Bat away, and proceeded to pummel him mercilessly with both weapons. The angry swordsman continued beating his adversary, even after the boy fell to the ground, until Katz finally yelled, "Auron, that's enough!"
The wizard brought everyone back into the arena, including Seifer and Princess Muumuu, and they all hurried over to check on Zell. "I just knew that Chicken-Wuss would fuck things up!" Seifer sneered.
Poor Zell was lying on the ground, unconscious, and covered in stinging welts that promised to become fantastic bruises. "Rufus, you need to shut up!" Cloud yelled. "At least he didn't get beaten by a chicken head!"
"Why don't you kiss my ass, Pinhead?" Seifer shot back.
"Be quiet, Raccoon-Boy!" Muumuu ordered, smacking him with her wand.
Seifer managed to evade her attack and yelled, "Hey Fat-Ass, why don't you just send me back to my world so I can get the hell away from this psychotic bitch?"
"Okay, I'll send you somewhere else." Katz raised his hands and shouted, "INKLE, HINKLE, FINKLE, DOO!"
The orange haired boy vanished in a puff of black, sulfurous smoke, and the wizard said, "I hope you like it hot, you stupid jackass!"
…
Seifer reappeared in a dark place full of fire and brimstone, and wondered, "Where the hell did that fat fuck send me?"
Suddenly, a huge, red-skinned man with goat legs and horns appeared and bellowed, "Welcome to Hell, little boy."
"Who are you?"
"I am Satan, and you are officially my bitch!" the Prince of Darkness replied, grabbing the ex-knight's arm.
Soon, the sounds of Seifer's torment joined the unholy cacophony of all the fallen souls condemned to suffer for all eternity.
…
"Where did you send him, Katz?" Kaiba asked, mildly curious.
"I sent him to Hell."
"That's awful!" Yugi cried, "Why would you do something like that?"
"I was getting tired of him calling me 'Fat-Ass' all the time. I'm not fat, I'm stout."
It was starting to get dark, so no one disagreed with him. Suddenly, the buffalo-drawn purple carriage showed up, and King Dingaling got out, silver bells jingling. "Muumuu, my darling daughter, did you have fun today?"
"It was okay," she replied. "I tortured a loser, watched two guys beat each other with Whiffleball Bats, and Katz sent a jackass to Hell."
"Oh, it was a typical day then. Well, shall we go back to the palace?"
The tiny princess started to climb into the carriage, but stopped and said, "Don't worry boys, I'll be back tomorrow."
With that, Muumuu and Dingaling flew off, leaving Katz and his remaining captives alone. "Well, you've all been pretty good today, so I guess you can all come spend the night at my house," the wizard told them.
"Are you sure?" Sesshomaru asked.
"Yeah, my mom's been bitching at me to bring some friends home for a while now."
That's all you get for now. I hated Seifer in Final Fantasy 8, so I decided to torture him. I hope you liked the chapter, so review and let me know how I'm doing. Oh, and if you can actually catch and tame one, then you can keep one of my now-rampaging Hell-Kittens. They're solid black with red eyes, so you'll know one when you see it.
