At this time, I'd like to thank Cyran, Chaka, Kiki, and now Aki-Reakku for reviewing. You can join my evil army and help me conquer the world using Hell-Kittens, Demented Cyborg Hoboes, Tangerine Man-Eating Elephants, and now the Italian Stallion Scallion Battalion. Anyway, here's the new chapter.
Chapter 14: Your Mama
Katz returned to the arena with several large bags full of Chinese takeout. Everyone, except Cloud and Nightmare, who were still horribly drunk, were happy to see the wizard and all the food he brought. The group sat at the table Katz conjured, and they dug into their meal with great relish. "Sho…who ish our nesht pair?" Sephiroth asked through a huge mouthful of noodles.
"Why don't you try not talking with your mouth full," Kaiba suggested, disgusted by the villain's lack of manners.
Sephiroth made a face, but swallowed his food, and repeated his question. "Who's fighting next?"
"The last two names I had were Squall and Mitsurugi, so they can fight after we finish our linner," the wizard replied.
"Linner? What's that?" Yugi asked, confused by the odd term.
"It's an afternoon version of brunch," he explained. "If you combine the words lunch and dinner, you get linner."
"Or dunch, but that sounds a little gross," Muumuu added, popping a wonton into her mouth.
They finished their meal, Katz cleared the arena, and said, "Well, let's go ahead and get this match underway, you two."
"Shouldn't we wait thirty minutes, or something?" Squall asked.
"Yeah!" Mitsurugi agreed. "Fighting on a full stomach is bad for you…I think."
The tiny mage waved his hands in a placating gesture, and replied, "Don't worry, your battle isn't going to be physical: your task for this match is to insult each other until one of you breaks down and cries."
"What?" the two combatants shrieked.
"What are they going to do: spend the match making 'Your Mama' jokes?" Auron wanted to know.
Katz looked up at the guardian and said, "Hey, that's actually a good idea! Okay, the only insults Squall and Mitsurugi can make are 'Your Mama' jokes, and the first one to cry is the loser!"
As usual, everyone, excluding the two fighters, was transported into the stands, and the SeeD and the samurai stared at each other, confusion written on their faces. Princess Muumuu gave them an impatient look and shouted, "Well, are you two gonna fight, or are you just gonna stand there and look stupid?"
Squall sighed, turned to Mitsurugi, and said, "Mitsurugi, your mother's so fat; she jumped up in the air and got stuck."
"Oh, come on!" Vincent yelled. "It's not as effective if you don't say it like you mean it."
The SeeD grew irritated and growled, "Mitsurugi, your mama's so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road!"
The childish samurai drew back as if he'd been struck, but recovered and snarled, "Oh yeah? Well, your mama's so ugly; she looked out the window and was busted for mooning!"
"Yeah, that's the spirit!" Yugi cheered, then stopped and thought about what he'd just said. "Wait, I shouldn't say things like that."
Sesshomaru patted the little duelist on the shoulder and said, "There, there. It's just the evil coming out in you…it's nothing to be ashamed of."
Meanwhile, everyone else continued to watch as the competitors continued to exchange insults with more and more fervor. "Your mama's so dumb; she thought a quarterback was a refund!" Squall bellowed, his voice threatening to crack.
"Your mama's so dumb, she pitched a fit when she found out the Coke machine won't take foodstamps!" Mitsurugi retorted.
"Your mama's so fat; she was baptized at Sea World!"
"Your mama's so dumb, they told her it was chilly outside, and she went and got a bowl!"
"Your mama's so ugly, when she was a kid; your grandmamma had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her!"
"Your mama's so fat, when she jumps for joy, people shout, 'ECLIPSE!'"
"Your mama's so fat; she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her!"
"Wow, those two are really going at it!" Katz said, watching the insults fly with unfeigned astonishment.
…
About an hour later, their voices were starting to give out, but neither of the fighters was ready to call it quits. "Your mama's…so fat…the bitch went to Sizzler's and got a group discount…" Mitsurugi wheezed.
Squall, knowing that he couldn't take much more, decided that it had to end quickly, so he put all his remaining energy into one last insult. "Your mama's so fat; after sex, I rolled over twice and was still on top of her!"
The samurai recoiled at the vehemence in his opponent's voice, and his lower lip started to quiver. "I…you…WAAH!"
Mitsurugi broke down in tears and sobbed his heart out. "You…you're mean!" he wailed, as Katz ended the match.
Kilik let out a groan of exasperation, and half-heartedly comforted his charge. "It's okay…Squall didn't have sex with your mother."
"He didn't?"
"No, because you're older than he is, and that would seriously be robbing the cradle."
"That sounds a lot like someone else we know," Sesshomaru grumbled, while Auron followed up with a fake cough that sounded an awful lot like, "Sylvia!"
"Hey, what are you trying to say?" Katz demanded.
"Oh, nothing," the demon innocently replied.
"Yeah, I bet. Anyway, Squall is the winner of the last match of the first round. Now the quarter finals are ahead, but since it's starting to get late, we should head back to the house."
"NO!" the contestants cried in unison, startling the wizard and knocking him off his feet.
"Why the hell not?"
Yugi wracked his brain for a plausible explanation. "I…um, that is to say…"
"Your mother is a bitch," Kaiba told him. "We'll stay the night here if we have to, but none of us want to go back to your house after the things she did to us last night!"
"Besides…" Muumuu began, sidling up to Katz and giving him her best 'sweet and innocent' look, "I'm really enjoying myself, and I'm sure that my father will let me stay out here if you continue the tournament."
The wizard chuckled nervously, but finally said, "Okay, if it's what you want, Your Highness, then we'll stay out here and continue the tournament."
Well everyone, how was it? I don't own any of those "Your Mama" jokes: they all came from various movies, so no one can sue me for using them. I got the word linner from my friend Marlene, so that's her word, and I can't be sued for using that either, so there.
