Disclaimer: I own nothing Rob Grant and Doug Naylor own Red Dwarf.

A/N: This is just a short one that I decided to try after watching the episode 'White Hole'….

First Degree Toastercide….

Lister had had enough; he just couldn't take it much longer. Kryten had tried his best to console him; the Cat just didn't care. But Lister had reached breaking point and if he had to suffer any more of that 'Howdy Doodley Doo' crap he was going to jump out the nearest airlock! Rimmer would have loved that; he liked to see Lister suffer, seen as how Lister himself had bought that stupid contraption in the first place via mail order from Crapola Inc. Which in a way was kind of apt really. Talkie Toaster is well; the name says it all really. But he had the misfortune of getting one that's defective and talks non – stop about toast or other smegging bread related products, which was driving him nuts! He had tried many times to get rid of the pesky toaster, short of flushing it out the airlock (which he did try several times!) But Kryten being the anal mech that he is always found it and fixed it up again, making indirect comments about things going to waste. This time though Lister had a way of getting rid of it once and for all and headed to his sleeping quarters with the lump hammer in hand, grinning with anticipation. But stopped short at the doorway when he overheard Rimmer arguing with the toaster.

"Listen you stupid gimboid I don't want any toast! I can't eat the smegging toast; I'm a hologram OK! You got that through your logic circuits you demented toaster!" Rimmer yelled getting extremely irate.

"Not a toast person huh? How about a muffin then?" Talkie replied oblivious.

"No!"

"Waffles?"

"NO!"

"OK, OK, how about some nice hot bagels then?"

"OH FOR SMEG'S SAKE, NO! Oh that's it I'm going!" Rimmer huffed storming out.

"That bloody toaster's mental! I have half a mind to throw it out!" Rimmer yelled at a smirking Lister.

Maybe I could keep it around just to annoy Rimmer? Lister thought but soon dismissed the idea for the sake of his sanity and everyone else's.

"Howdy Doodley Doo Dave! Whatcha got there? Do you want any toast?" Toastie chirped.

"No…" Lister quietly muttered toying with the hammer in his hands and raised it above his head to smash the toaster.

SMASH!

"ARRRGH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS! PLEASE STOP!"

SMASH!

"Yoooouuu Sonnnn Offfff aaaa Biiaaaaaatchh."

SMASH!

SMASH!

Satisfied that he had smashed it into small enough pieces Lister cheerfully gathered up the remains in a black bag and headed to the waste disposal unit whistling a cheerful tune as he did.

"Bye, bye Toastie Twat." Lister grinned waving at the remains of the toaster and switched the waste disposal unit on.

Fin…

Hope you liked it, I really hated that Talkie Toaster even if he wasn't in many episodes (Grrrr…..)

As always feedback is appreciated.

Jumana. :O)