All right, thanks for the reviews, everyone! Chaka and Kiki inspired this chapter's events, so they get credit for this, too.

Chapter 17: The "Nasty"

Princess Muumuu moved the still-unconscious Auron's arms and legs around until she had him in a pose she liked, and quickly snapped several pictures with her Polaroid camera. Katz gave her a worried look and said, "Your Highness, they both need some serious medical attention, and if we wait too long, then I'll have to let them die before I can help them."

The tiny pink princess turned her attentions to Kaiba, took several photos of him, and finally replied, "Okay, you can wake them up now."

The wizard let out a sigh of relief and a wave of cool, blue-green light washed over the two combatants as he flicked his hands through the air. "What just happened?" Kaiba groaned, sitting up and shaking his head as Katz magically returned his clothes.

"You lost your match against Auron and now you can either stay here, or have Katz send you home," Yugi explained, cheerful as always.

"I guess I'll stay here, since Wheeler will try to get revenge on me when I finally go back to Domino."

"You aren't afraid of him, are you?" Sephiroth wanted to know, having finally recovered from the mallet-blow to the head.

"Bitch, please! I just don't feel like upsetting my younger brother by kicking that stupid bastard's ass up and down the city, that's all," the hacker replied.

Katz gave his prisoners a sly look, and said, "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say that you guys are actually enjoying being part of my evil plot."

"Well, it IS kind of funny," Kilik admitted while keeping an eye on the still-slumbering forms of Nightmare and Mitsurugi.

"Anyway, are Sesshomaru and I fighting in the next match, or what?" Vincent demanded, not wanting to admit that Drunk Cloud in a ballroom gown was the funniest thing he had seen in a long time.

Before Katz could answer, Muumuu tapped him on the shoulder, handed him a perfume-scented pink envelope, and said, "Hey, would you send this out for me?"

The wizard wordlessly took the envelope and read the address. "You really want me to send this there? He's over there, too, you know."

"Yeah, I know, but it'll be good for a laugh."

"Okay, whatever Your Highness wishes," he sighed, levitating the letter and raising his hands to the sky. "IBBITEY, HIBBITEY, JIBBITEY, SWIBBITEY!"

With a flash of lightning and a loud crack of thunder, Princess Muumuu's mysterious letter disappeared.

In an alternate Spira, Ria and Auron rode Snow and Shadow through a forest that, until that moment, had not seen a living human in 700 years. Where is this forest? No one knows, because the author has yet to come up with a sequel for "Broken Boundaries". The guardian and the sorceress continued to ride until they came across a meadow, where they decided to stop for the evening. Suddenly, a crack of thunder ripped through the air, startling the chocobos, and a pink envelope spiraled into Ria's lap. "What's this?" she wondered aloud as she opened it.

Inside the envelope was a letter written on satiny pink stationery, and a Polaroid of a battered, bloodied, and unconscious Auron lying on the ground, his limbs arranged in what was supposed to be a sexy pose. Ria's lips twitched as she handed her lover the photograph of himself, and she turned her attention to the letter.

Ria,

My father finally convinced the wizard Katz to host a tournament to find me a husband. I don't really like any of the guys he captured, though, and the one I do like doesn't know that I like him. It's a really big mess, let me tell you. Anyway, I took a whole bunch of pictures like this one to sell on eBay, and you'll be happy to know that Auron, despite his complete unwillingness to fight, Sylvia's psycho crush on him, and Katz's strange battle requirements, has made it into the semifinals. Well, this is starting to get long and involved, so I guess I'll stop here.

Later girl!

Muumuu

The sorceress looked up as she finished reading the letter and burst out laughing at the horrified look on Auron's face. "I don't remember ever being laid out in such an absurd pose," he growled.

"Actually, that's you in an alternate universe, and you're in a contest to marry a princess," Ria explained. "Apparently, you've made to the semifinals, and the princess took a whole lot of pictures like that and is going to sell them to women who'll pay a lot of money for them."

Not knowing whether to be angry, scared, or proud, Auron forced himself into a neutral expression, and said, "That's rather obscene, don't you think?"

"Obscene? Auron, you're still clothed in those pictures! I've seen you naked for crying out loud! Obscene isn't really the word I'd use."

Back in Katz and Muumuu's world, Cloud and Squall were busy trying to restrain Kaiba, who was enraged when he found out that the bitchy princess had taken pictures of him while he was knocked out. "Bitch, I'll kill you!" the hacker roared as he tried to squirm free of Squall's headlock.

Muumuu's eyes narrowed at the threat. "Let him go," she commanded.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Cloud asked, just barely holding on to Kaiba's legs.

She nodded, and the SeeD and the SOLDIER released him. The duelist rushed the princess, and without turning a hair, she whipped out the giant wooden mallet and clonked him on the head with it. "Fucking idiot…" Auron muttered, rolling his eye at the whole event.

"ANYWAY!" Katz yelled, interrupting before things could go any further. "Let's get the next match started, shall we?"

"What kind of odd contest are you going to involve us in this time?" Sesshomaru asked, his face impassive as always.

The mage grinned, and said, "You and Vincent are gonna do the 'Nasty'!"

"WHAT?" shrieked everyone, except Muumuu, Nightmare, Kaiba, and Mitsurugi.

"No the fuck we're not!" Vincent yelled, his face now as red as his cape.

"Little man, despite what you may have heard about demons, I'm not like that blue-haired pervert you trapped us with the other night!" Sesshomaru growled, his eyes glowing malevolently.

"What the hell are you screaming about?" Katz asked.

"They think you want them to have feral animal sex with each other," Muumuu nonchalantly replied.

"You people really need to get your minds out of the goddamn gutter!" the wizard complained. "I wasn't talking about that kind of a contest! Damn, you guys are sick!"

"Oh? Then what did you have in mind, oh Evil One?" Sephiroth demanded.

"Have any of you guys ever watched the show 'Fear Factor'?"

When they all shook their heads, Katz sighed, "I was afraid of that. Anyway, on this show, they have people do all kinds of creepy and disgusting things, and that's what Vincent and Sesshomaru will have to do. They'll keep engaging in these mini-contests until one of them pukes or passes out, and that person will be the loser."

As usual, the mage transported all but the current fighters back into the stands and waved his hands. Suddenly, two incredibly filthy Port-A-Potties appeared, and the ex-Turk and the demon found themselves each holding a toothbrush. "Your first task in the 'Nasty' will be to clean as much of those bathrooms as you possibly can in ten minutes with the toothbrushes. Your weapons and abilities are blocked, so you'll have to do it with good old-fashioned elbow grease."

When they didn't move, Katz yelled, "Hey! You two should be grateful! If Yugi wouldn't have defeated Seymour in the first battle, you two would have had to spend ten minutes in the closet with him and not even injure him in the slightest, so don't give me those looks!"

Sesshomaru and Vincent were startled by that announcement, and promptly went to work, scrubbing those disgusting Port-A-Potties for all their worth. Finally, at the end of ten minutes, both of them emerged with a rather sickly color to their faces, but otherwise still going strong. "There, we cleaned your goddamned bathrooms!" the gunman yelled, pitching his nasty toothbrush at the wizard. "We're both still conscious, so now what do you want us to do?"

The sorcerer worked his magic again, and this time, two large glass boxes appeared. "Get into those boxes," Katz ordered.

The combatants gave him a foreboding look, but did as he said. "Now what?" Sesshomaru grumbled.

"Now you have to stay in those boxes for another ten minutes, and the same rules from before still apply," the wizard responded.

"Wait, that doesn't sound so bad," Yugi said.

Instead of replying, Katz pointed at the boxes, and a rain of every known species (and a few that weren't) of roach poured into each one. Surprisingly enough, Sesshomaru was the first one to start screaming, but he was quickly joined by Vincent…until some roaches crawled into their mouths. After that, both men were silent, and all the spectators watched the event with undisguised horror.

"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!" screamed Cloud, turning away from the hideous sight.

Sephiroth turned green, and said, "I think I'm gonna…urk…"

The villain ran for the nearest garbage can and noisily vomited in it. Kilik tried to put on a brave front, but soon joined him in emptying the contents of their stomachs. Muumuu paled at the sight of all those roaches, but managed to keep her cool, while Yugi went into convulsions, trying to get Yami to switch places with him for a while, but the pharaoh wouldn't go along with it. Auron, too, tried to be brave, but it turned out that he was a highly suggestible person, and the sight of all those bugs made his flesh creep, so he ended up on the floor, scratching at every publicly decent spot he could reach.

Finally, the ten minutes were up, and Katz magnanimously decided to make the boxes disappear and take the roaches with them. Sesshomaru and Vincent both looked traumatized, but still neither one was ready to give up. "You…psychotic bastard!" the demon spat, desperately trying to regain his composure.

The mage gave them a friendly smile, and the tasks continued into the wee hours of the morning. The ex-Turk and the demon sniffed bottles full of super-concentrated versions of the worst smells in the universe, gave waterlogged zombies full-body massages, French-kissed the three old witches from Macbeth, and had to watch one of Dona and Barthello's kinkier "home movies". Amazingly, both of them persevered through the god-awful tasks, and only one final event remained.

Vincent and Sesshomaru suddenly found themselves seated at a large table with a gigantic plate of raw liver set in the middle. "All right gentlemen, this is your final task: eat as much of the liver as you can in five minutes. However, if you even so much as gag, you'll lose the match, and the winner will go on to the semifinals."

Katz nodded, and the final task commenced. The gunman and the Demon Lord dug into the pile of liver like starving men, but after the first couple of bites, the taste, combined with all the other things he had to endure, proved to be too much for Vincent's human side, and he ended up puking all over his side of the liver pile. "The winner is Sesshomaru!" the wizard shouted, ending the match and getting rid of the disgusting liver.

"That's…nice…" the demon began, but stopped because he started puking too.

The stomach rebellion carried on for quite some time, and when it finally stopped, everyone noticed that the sun was peeking over the horizon. "Well what do you know?" Muumuu said, mildly surprised at the sun's appearance. "We've been out here all night and the time just seemed to fly by!"

"Speak for yourself!" Vincent groaned, clutching at his stomach and praying to all the gods that it didn't decide to rebel again.

Suddenly, Nightmare and Mitsurugi woke up, and the samurai shouted, "Uncle Kilik, I'm hungry!"

"Hey, Uncle Kilik, why does it smell like peanut butter out here?" the dark knight wanted to know.

The monk chose not to answer that question, and he turned to the wizard and asked, "Do you think that you could go and get them something to eat?"

"Sure," he replied, climbing onto his flying vacuum cleaner. "Did anyone else want anything to eat?"

"NO!"

That's all for chapter 17. I hope everyone is happy because that scene with the bugs really did make my skin crawl…ugh! (Shudders) Anyway, it's now 2 o'clock in the morning, so after I post this, I'm going to bed.