Before I start, I want to go ahead and make my latest disclaimer before I forget again. As of chapter 17, I have not picked the winners of the matches. I have left that up to my reliable, unbiased source, since she has only seen "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and has no experience with any of the other characters in the story, so I am completely guilt-free! There, now that that's off my chest I can get started.
Chapter 19: Warped
"Well, what are we going to do now?" Yugi asked while scratching at one of his bright blue Elf Pox welts.
"First, you and Kaiba are going to stop scratching at your bumps, otherwise you'll get really bad scars and end up hideous for the rest of eternity," Katz replied.
"But they're so damn ITCHY!" Kaiba complained.
Suddenly, Nightmare waved his huge demon arm in the air and shouted, "Ooh! Pick me, pick me!"
Everyone stared at the mentally disturbed knight, and Kilik sighed, "Okay Nightmare, what is it this time?"
"I got something that can make the itchy go away for a while!" he triumphantly announced, reaching down his pants as he did so.
"You know, I get freaked out every time I watch that," Squall said as Princess Muumuu kindly bandaged the stab wounds he received, courtesy of Sephiroth's Masamune blade.
"Yeah, I know, but he says he has a 'magic pocket', and he HAS pulled out some strange shit, so I guess it's true," Kilik replied.
Finally, Nightmare finished rummaging around in his pants and pulled out a pink plastic bottle. "Its calamine lotion and it will make the itchy go away," he said, chucking the bottle in Yugi and Kaiba's direction.
The two duelists stripped off their shirts and gratefully started rubbing the pink lotion all over their skin, and Katz turned to Squall and asked, "Hey, you're the last Final Fantasy VIII character left, so do you want to go home, or stay here?"
The SeeD commander thought about it for a moment, but finally shook his head and replied, "I guess I'll stay here, since this is the most interesting thing I've been involved in since the fight with Ultimecia."
The wizard nodded and turned to the rest of the group. "Very well, does anyone else have any questions before we start the semifinals?"
"Me! I do, I do!" Mitsurugi shouted, jumping up and down like a wild thing until Katz acknowledged him. "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?"
"How in bloody flaming fuck would I know that? Do I look like God to you?" the mage snarled.
"Hey, that reminds me: why is it that you brought Squall back to life, but left Kaiba and Yugi with Elf Pox?" Vincent suddenly piped up. "Couldn't you just heal them, or something?"
"Actually…no, I can't. I can heal a wound, but the only way I can get rid of a sickness is if they die and I bring them back from the dead. Come to think of it, I think God's probably pretty pissed off at me for bringing people back, too, but oh well."
"That's…really weird," Cloud said, staring bemusedly at the tiny wizard.
"You know Spikes, you shouldn't talk about people being weird, since you use a hundred bottles of hair mousse every day and also happen to be a closet transvestite," Muumuu replied, finishing her work on Squall.
Cloud looked as if he wanted to say something, but then he thought better of it and shut his mouth. Then Katz cleared his throat and said, "Are there anymore questions, or can we finally get on with the next match?" No one answered, so he continued to speak. "Good. The next two contestants in the tournament are Auron and Sephiroth, so would you gentleman be so kind as to move away while I move everyone else again?"
After the mage finished his teleportation spell, Sesshomaru tapped him on the shoulder with his new demon arm and said, "Wouldn't it be easier to just move the fighters into the ring from the stands, instead of the other way around?"
"Shut up! I…uh…I need to practice moving large groups of people around. Yeah, that's it!"
"ANYWAY!" Sephiroth shouted, interrupting Katz's lame excuse, "Are you gonna tell us what fucked-up thing we're supposed to be doing, or are you just gonna sit up there and play with yourself all day long?"
"FINE, JACKASS! You and Auron are going to do battle while under the 'Warp'."
"What?" Muumuu gasped, completely taken aback by that announcement. "Katz, you actually know how to do that? I'm seriously impressed!"
Katz blushed furiously, and Yugi said, "I know this is probably going to sound stupid, but what the hell is the 'Warp'?"
"The 'Warp' is a powerful spell that distorts the fabric of space-time within a specific area," the usually bitchy princess softly replied. "If Katz can make it encompass the entire arena, then he's more powerful than any other wizard I've heard of."
"Hey, Katz, can you really control a space that big?" Vincent wanted to know.
"Yeah, but I've never actually tried it with anyone inside the area before," he doubtfully replied. "Well, if it goes wrong, I think I can put Auron and Sephiroth back together."
"Oh, well that's reassuring!" the guardian replied, pulling out his own Masamune. "Well, is that the only condition, or did you have something else in mind?"
"Nope, that's the only one, but let me warn you: while you're in the 'Warp', past, present, and future all exist at the same time, and all alternate realities are open, so I have absolutely no idea what you two are going to face in there, and you won't be able to get out until I dispel it, either. Well, best of luck gentlemen."
Katz raised his hands above his head, and a fierce look of concentration masked his face. His entire body began to glow with a psychedelic aura, and Nightmare reached forward to touch him, whispering, "Ooh, pretty!"
Before the twisted knight could reach his goal, Muumuu whipped out the giant mallet, whacked him in the head, and hissed, "Idiot, if you break his concentration now, we'll all get sucked into the gap between dimensions and be tortured by possessed My Buddy and Kid Sister dolls for all eternity!"
"Are you serious?" Kaiba demanded as he rubbed more calamine lotion on his welts. "Will that actually happen?"
"Hell, I don't know, but it sounds absolutely terrifying, no?"
Suddenly, a pulse of dark light erupted from the ground between Sephiroth and Auron, followed by a wave of freezing fire. "Holy shit! We're being attacked by a paradox!" screamed the One Winged Angel as he threw his arms over his head.
"Shut up, we're not being attacked!" the guardian growled as a bubble of shining darkness surged over them. "This doesn't even hurt, you big baby!"
Finally, the impossibilities stopped erupting, and the bubble formed a huge, dark but transparent dome with edges perfectly aligned with the preexisting wall. His work finished, Katz slumped into his seat and sighed heavily. "The 'Warp' is finished, so you guys can start now. I managed to time the shifts so that they'll happen every minute or so, but I can't say what'll happen."
Auron and Sephiroth looked at each other, but didn't see anything wrong with the surrounding area, so they just shrugged their shoulders and charged toward each other, until…
…Flash…
The two swordsmen found themselves back in their starting places, but now a young Japanese boy stood between them. The boy stared at them for a moment, but then his gaze alighted on their swords and he started babbling excitedly. "I can't understand him, can you?" Sephiroth said to Auron.
"I'm not even from this world, so how the fuck am I supposed to know what he's saying?"
"He's saying he really likes your swords and wants to make some like them when he grows up," Sesshomaru shouted down at them.
"Well, who the hell is he?" Sephiroth shouted back.
…Flash…
The scenery shifted again, but this time, no one was standing between them. "Hey, Sephiroth, what happened to your clothes?" Cloud yelled, trying to suppress his laughter, "You look like a pimp!"
"What?" Sephiroth looked down at himself, and saw that he now wore a lime green suit with black loafers, a royal blue silk shirt, a forest green tie, a bright blue feather boa, and more gold jewelry than any grown man has a right to wear. Atop his head was a lime green hat with an enormous feather that matched the boa, and his sword was now a cane. "Well, I'll be damned, I am a pimp!"
Then he looked up at Auron, and nearly fell over laughing. "Auron! Take a look at yourself, quick!" he managed to gasp between guffaws.
The legendary guardian let out a horrified yell when he saw what happened to his clothes. Instead of his usual red coat and the like, he found himself in a short, black leather skirt (not a mini, I'm not that cruel), fishnet stockings, black thigh high boots with four-inch heels, a black tube-top, a tiny red-sequined jacket, and enough silver bracelets to stock a jewelry store! "NO…FUCKING…WAY!" he roared, trying not to lose his balance in his slutty boots.
"Quick Muumuu, take a picture!" Sephiroth the Pimp crowed, tears of mirth streaming down his face.
"You'd better not…"
…Flash…
Another shift and it was Sephiroth's turn to pitch a fit. The pimp suit had transformed into a fluffy pink moogle costume with a glowing red heart on its tummy and a giant candy cane in its hands. "What the fuck is this?" he demanded, but stopped when he heard the revving of an engine.
Sephiroth the Moogle looked up, and Auron the Cross-dressing Whore was transformed into Auron the Biker, with blue jeans, lots of black leather, and a vintage Harley-Davidson to top it all off. Auron grinned evilly, revved the engine again, and proceeded to mow down the helpless moogle as he attempted to defend himself by swinging the candy cane, which didn't really help.
…Flash…
Auron and Sephiroth ran around the arena as fast as they could, trying to escape from a ten-foot tall Seymour.
…Flash…
Sephiroth and Auron were both little eight year-old girls, engaged in a hair-pulling contest.
…Flash…
Sephiroth and Auron were transformed into a Tyranitar and a Rhydon, respectively, and were engaged in a Godzilla-like wrestling match.
…Flash…
Auron and Sephiroth were a pair of Battle Bots, and somehow both of them managed to knock each other's heads off at the same time.
…Flash…
Now they were both wizards with dark blue robes, long silver beards, and pointy hats. Sephiroth cast Bolt 3 and knocked Auron on his ass…
…
About twenty flashes later, Kilik said, "Hey Katz, don't you think this is enough? I mean, it's pretty hard to defeat someone when you keep transforming every minute or so, don't you think?"
The wizard thought about it as Auron and Sephiroth engaged in a contest to see who could piss off Bob Ross and make him lose his cool. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. I'll change the 'Warp' so that the next shift will last for an hour, but one of them better win, or they'll have to engage in a thumb-wrestling match, because this won't last much longer."
"Go, Sephiroth, go!" Yugi cheered, wildly waving his hand from behind his and Kaiba's anti-contagion barrier.
Suddenly, Yami took control of Yugi's body, and shouted, "Go, Auron! Kick that fairy's skinny ass!"
"You two are really disturbed, did you know that?" Kaiba grumbled before turning his attention back to the fight.
…Flash…
Auron and Sephiroth stood in the arena, backs facing each other, but nothing seemed to be wrong. Everyone looked around the arena to see if anything had changed, but could find nothing out of the ordinary. Sephiroth opened his mouth and said, "Well, this is rather anticlimactic…uh-oh."
The voice that came out of the villain's mouth was not his, but Auron's. "Uh-oh, what?" Sephiroth demanded, turning around and freezing in his tracks when he saw himself staring back at him.
Apparently, the final shift placed Auron's soul in Sephiroth's body, and vice-versa. "GODDAMNIT!" the dark angel turned guardian bellowed. "What the fuck just went wrong?"
"Oh shit!" Mitsurugi said, neatly summing up the seriousness of the situation.
"Watch your mouth, Mitsurugi," Kilik scolded, but his heart clearly wasn't in it.
"Katz, what are we going to do now?" Vincent wanted to know. "We can't make them fight each other like this, because they would refuse to hurt themselves, but if we tell them that their original body could win the fight for them, then they would both just commit suicide, and that wouldn't really work, either!"
"I really don't know what to do!" Katz replied as he dispelled the 'Warp'. "I mean, I've never used the spell while there were actual people inside, so I didn't really think that something like this would happen!"
"Well, you'd better think of something!" Auron shouted, "I don't want to end up stuck in Sephiroth's body for the rest of eternity!"
"Wait, I've got an idea!" Muumuu cried, "What we can do is kill the both of them, and have Sesshomaru use the Tenseiga to bring them back to life. That should give their souls the chance to return to their original bodies, and whichever one of them gets up first can be the winner!"
"No! I don't want to die, damn it!" Sephiroth groaned. "I've already got Pinhead, Vampire Boy, and the rest of the Pebble Slide trying to kill me back on my own world!"
"Well, it's either that, or be stuck in Auron's body, and he's already dead in his world, so I guess you're just fucked either way!" snapped the princess.
The transposed fighters sighed, but finally relented, and Auron rolled his eye and said, "Fine, kill us and get it over with."
"Sesshomaru, would you care to do the honors?" Katz asked.
The dog demon shrugged, but drew Tokijin anyway, and the wizard stepped out of his path. He swung the evil sword once, and a wave of sickly red light shot out of the blade and incinerated both swordsmen. Next, he pulled out the healing sword, Tenseiga, but before he could swing it, a cloud of pyreflies descended onto the ashes of Auron's corpse, and the guardian's body regenerated. He sat up, shook his head, and said, "Damn, I hope I never have to do that again! I don't see how Seymour could stand doing it more than once, because that was really painful!"
"Wasn't Seymour a masochist anyway?" Cloud asked as Sesshomaru snapped out of his momentary confusion and revived Sephiroth.
"Hmm…good point."
"Hey, what happened? I thought you were going to revive us at the same time?" Sephiroth demanded, giving the white haired demon an accusing glare.
"It's not my fault that Auron spontaneously regenerated his body!" Sesshomaru defensively replied.
"I'm dead, remember? I was sent on Spira, but Katz dragged me out of the Farplane, so now I'm an unsent again, and until a summoner sends me, I can come back as many times as I want."
"Fucking zombie…" Sephiroth muttered under his breath as everyone returned to the arena floor.
Suddenly, Kaiba and Yugi both screamed, and everyone quickly turned around to see what was wrong. "Hey, what'd you two scream for?" Katz wanted to know.
"Oh my…" Muumuu snickered, "Look at their spots…they're purple!"
Sure enough, the Elf Pox infected duelists were covered head-to-toe in lurid purple dots. "It had to be that damned calamine lotion Nightmare gave us!" Kaiba grumbled. "It must have an odd reaction to the Elf Pox!"
"Well, at least we aren't itchy anymore," Yugi brightly replied.
Wow, that was actually somewhat long! Anyway, for those who don't know: My Buddy and Kid Sister Dolls came out around the same time as "Child's Play", and they're scary-looking as all get out! Tyranitar and Rhydon both belong to whoever owns Pokemon, so I don't own them, and Bob Ross is the guy from the old "The Joy of Painting" series. He's obsessed with happy lil' clouds and trees. Oh, and if anyone can guess who the little Japanese boy is, I'll post your name in the next chapter and you'll win 50 invisible dollars along with some other useless crap. Here's a hint: he has something to do with both Auron AND Sephiroth.
