Well the results are in, and Kiki is the winner of the contest. (Throws confetti) The little boy in the last chapter was the legendary swordsmith Masamune, and now I'll give the winner her prize! (Hands Kiki 50 invisible dollars, a big bag of assorted Pop Tarts, a Hell-Kitten, plushies of the entire cast of Gladiator, and a giant Bob Tonberry plushy) No, I didn't forget about anyone else who answered, and here's a prize for them. (Hands out 25 invisible dollars and a George Cactuar Plushy)
Chapter 20: Attack of the Random
Everyone stared in utter amazement as Yugi and Kaiba's Elf Pox welts slowly began to change colors, due to an allergic reaction to Nightmare's calamine lotion. The two duelists' spots lazily shifted from blue to purple, and then to green and orange, and continually shifted from there. "Hey Katz, are those spots supposed to do that?" Kilik asked, staring at the changing welts with suspicion.
"How the fuck should I know? Infected Elves don't even exist in this dimension, so the subject's never come up before!"
"Well, Yugi said that the spots don't itch anymore, so let's just leave them alone and maybe nothing else will happen," Muumuu brightly suggested. "Besides, my father will probably show up before long, wanting to know why I never checked in last night, and I want to see the rest of the tournament before that happens."
"Hey, aren't Sesshie and Stupid-Head supposed to fight next?" Mitsurugi wanted to know.
"Don't call me Stupid-Head, you big dorkface!" Nightmare shouted.
"My name is NOT Sesshie!" the dog demon snarled as his eyes turned red. "I will only answer to Sesshomaru…preferably in the form of 'Lord Sesshomaru' or 'Sesshomaru-sama'. If anyone else calls me 'Sesshie', 'Fluffy', or any other absurd nickname, I will rip out their spine and beat them to death with it!"
Everyone stared at him in slightly fearful silence, and finally Katz broke the tension. "Now that that's out of the way, let's start the next fight, shall we?"
"Fuck you and your next fight!" Sephiroth yelled, still sulking over his loss in the previous battle.
"Hey, don't take it out on Katz!" said Cloud. "It's not his fault that Auron spontaneously came back to life! Hell, it wasn't even his idea to kill you both at the end of the last match!"
"You know what? You're absolutely right for once in your life, Cloud…it's all the Princess-Bitch's fault!"
With that, the silver haired villain turned and launched himself at Muumuu, all set to cut her down where she stood, but she whipped out the giant mallet and the electric wand and quickly pummeled him until he cried uncle. Then, without a word, she did the same thing to Cloud, and finally ended it with Vincent. "Okay…I get why you beat up Sephiroth, and I sort of understand why you bludgeoned Cloud, but why the hell did you do that to Vincent?" Squall demanded, all the while making sure he was out of the princess' reach.
"Eh, I just figured that I would even things out and just beat up everyone from the Final Fantasy VII cast. You should just be glad that Whiffle-Boy and Jackass aren't still here, or I'd do the same to you!" Muumuu replied.
"Anyway, can we get this over with, or are we going to just sit on our asses all day?" Auron sighed, quickly losing his patience.
"All right, I'm going, just don't have an aneurysm!" Katz said, before turning to Nightmare and Sesshomaru. "Okay, you two are going to have a match similar to the one Auron and Sephiroth just completed, but instead of fighting each other, you two will just stand there and see how many attacks you can withstand, and whoever lasts the longest will go on to face Auron in the final round."
"Wait, are we gonna have to do the warping thing, 'cause I don't wanna end up in Fluffy's body!" Nightmare whined, pissing off his opponent in the process.
"Goddamnit, stop calling me Fluffy!"
Katz ignored the demon's shout of rage and said, "No, you don't have to worry about that. Instead, I'm going to spin the Wheel of Random, and whatever it stops on will determine what kind of attack you two will face."
"Wheel of Random? There isn't any wheel out here, so what the fuck are you talking about, mama's boy?" Kaiba yelled as his Elf Pox welts turned a rather odd shade of silver-green.
The wizard gave the duelist a baleful look, but said nothing as he waved his hand and made a puff of rainbow smoke appear. When it cleared, a huge wheel much like the one from the game show "Wheel of Fortune" appeared, only this one had various pictures printed on the spaces instead of numbers. "This is the Wheel of Random, and as soon as everyone stops asking me stupid questions or making smart-ass remarks, then I'll move everyone into the stands and start the next match!"
Kaiba looked as if he was going to say something, but then Yugi lost his temper, turned to his rival, and at the top of his lungs, screamed, "KAIBA WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THE WHOLE UNIVERSE A FAVOR AND SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE IN YOU WORTHLESS LIFE! WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR EVERY SMART-ASS COMMENT OR RUDE INSULT THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD, SO JUST KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH CLOSED AND LET US FINISH THE GODDAMNED TOURNAMENT IN PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET!"
When the little duelist finished his rant, everything in the entire universe seemed to stop for one long moment, and the only sound that could be heard was the chirping of some nearby crickets that weren't affected by the rage attack. Kaiba just stared at Yugi as if he'd just been slapped in the face, and then Yami took over again and whispered, "Holy shit! I can't believe he just said that! I mean, yeah, he's been thinking it for quite some time now, but I never thought he'd actually SAY it!"
Suddenly, everything restarted again and everyone heard a strange sniffling sound. "Hey Kaiba, are you crying?" Vincent asked when he determined where the sound was coming from.
"No…I've just got something in my eye, that's all," he replied, still sniffling.
"Wow Yugi! You really need to vent more often!" Cloud said in wide-eyed shock. "It's not good to keep something like that bottled up."
Instead of saying anything, Katz just went ahead and transported everyone except for Sesshomaru and Nightmare into the stands. "Are we starting the match now?" the white haired demon asked, staring up at the wizard.
"Yeah, and all you two have to do is just stand there and try to survive the attacks," the tiny mage replied as he spun the Wheel of Random. It spun and spun, and eventually came to a stop on a frosty looking blue wedge. "Okay, here comes your first attack!" he announced.
Then a bunch of enormous ice shards fell from the sky, and behind them descended a beautiful woman with diamond white skin, light blue dreadlocks, and very little in the way of clothing, except for a blue cloak, which she threw away when the ice exploded. "Who is this?" Sesshomaru asked, staring at the bizarre woman.
"That's Shiva, the Aeon of Ice," Auron explained.
"Oh, is that why her booby is frozen?" Nightmare wanted to know, trying to look innocent, but failing utterly.
"Nightmare, you'd better stop staring at Shiva's chest before I tell your Auntie Ivy and she gives you a spanking!" Kilik threatened.
Mitsurugi then tapped the monk on the shoulder, and said, "Uncle Kilik, I thought that everyone liked getting spankings from Auntie Ivy anyway?"
"Oh yeah… Well, then I'll get your Auntie Sophitia on you, then!"
Nightmare started to whine, but the ice aeon suddenly sent a frozen wind at him and Sesshomaru, causing spires of ice to build up until she made them explode with a snap of her fingers. Both fighters fell to the ground, but managed to get up again as the frosty woman glared at them and vanished. "Well, both of you are still alive, so I guess its time to spin the wheel again!" Katz grinned.
The Wheel of Random spun some more, but this time came to a stop on a green wedge with a picture of a Game Cube on it. Then a guy in a Luigi costume appeared, but it was pink and red instead of the usual green and blue. The strange guy's blue eyes sparkled merrily as he ducked down and began to build up energy. Finally, he unleashed it in a huge burst and shouted, "Flying Penis!"
Before anyone could say anything about the perversion of that battle cry, the crazy boy flew across the arena in a flaming, flying head-butt and smashed into Sesshomaru and Nightmare. The following explosion launched the two demons across the battlefield and slammed them into the dirt, but both of them managed to stagger to their feet as their attacker slowly vanished, shouting, "Oodles de boodles kept top the noodles!"
"What the fuck was that all about?" Sephiroth shouted, still staring bemusedly at the spot where the oddball once stood.
"Beats the hell out of me," Katz replied, spinning the wheel again.
The wheel came to a stop, and landed on a dark red wedge with a black dragon symbol. "Ooh, this one looks like a good one!" Muumuu cackled gleefully.
Then a burst of flame erupted out of the arena floor, and the fire demon Hiei appeared. "Who the fuck dragged me here, and give me one good reason why I shouldn't just tear their heart out!" he snarled, clearly angry over being dragged from his own world.
"Hey, don't have a fit!" Katz yelled, pointing at his two competitors. "Just use that dragon thingy on those two and you can go home!"
"Hn." Hiei removed the warded bandages from his right arm, and the black dragon tattoo writhed as he shouted, "Kokuryuu-ha!"
Suddenly, a huge dragon made entirely of black fire erupted from his arm and plowed into Nightmare and Sesshomaru! The little fire demon quickly reined in his dragon, but he disappeared before he could admire his handiwork. Then, the two severely burned and bruised demons got to their feet, and the wizard said, "Damn, I thought that thing would definitely kill them!"
…
About an hour later, Sesshomaru and Nightmare had been shot at by an old Mexican firing squad, mauled by a pack of rampaging Hell-Kittens, blasted by Goku's Kamehameha Wave, nibbled by a flock of ducks, beaten by an old lady with a walking stick, turned into ferrets and bounced around by Mad-Eye Moody. After all that failed, Katz had every heavy metal song ever recorded played directly into their brains in one ultra-compressed fifteen second burst, but even that failed to destroy one of them and end the match. "Damn, these two are a lot more resilient than I thought!" he cried, spinning the wheel one last time.
"Well, they ARE demons, after all," Vincent reminded him.
"Oh yeah…"
Finally, the Wheel of Random came to a stop on a yellow wedge with a red and white ball on it. "Oh shit! I was really hoping we didn't have to come to this, but now I guess there's no choice," Katz groaned, shuddering at the sheer horror of what was to come.
"Why? What's wrong?" Squall asked.
"It's…it's…"
Suddenly, a little yellow mouse-like creature popped up in the arena and looked up at Nightmare and Sesshomaru. "Pika?" it asked, cocking its head to one side.
"It's Pikachu," Katz sighed, as Nightmare started wailing in fear.
"AHHH! DON'T LET IT GET ME!" the dark knight shrieked, backing away from the happy-go-lucky critter.
Sesshomaru glared ominously at Pikachu when it showed signs of approach, so it changed course and ran at Nightmare, who screamed even louder and broke down in tears when it hugged his leg. "MOMMEEEEEE!" he sobbed, ineffectually trying to bat Pikachu away. "MOMMY MAKE IT GO AWAY!"
Everyone stared at the childlike knight in undisguised horror as he continued to howl in terror, and finally Kilik shouted, "Nightmare, just say that you give up and it'll vanish, I promise!"
"ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP! JUST DON'T LET IT GET ME! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
As soon as the words were spoken, Pikachu disappeared and Katz moved everyone back into the arena. "Well, that was rather anti-climactic, wasn't it?"Cloud commented, as Kilik tried to comfort the still-sobbing Nightmare.
"Well, at least this psycho tournament's almost over,"Auron replied.
"Yeah, now we just have to find out whether I'm stuck marrying you or Fluffy," Muumuu replied, causing the guardian to flinch.
"I thought I told everyone to stop calling me that! Do you really think that a Demon Lord's threats are so empty that you can just choose to ignore them whenever you wish?"
"Yeah, and if you don't like it, then you can always just take it up with Mr. Mallet."
"Uh…never mind."
I don't own Wheel of Fortune, Shiva, Ivy, Sophitia,Goku, the Kamehameha Wave, Mad-Eye Moody, Pikachu, Hiei (damn), the Kokuryuu-ha (damn again), the heavy metal songs, or the guy in the pink and red Luigi costume. Actually, the last guy is a real person, and when we play "Super Smash Brothers Melee" he really does scream "Flying Penis" whenever he uses the flying head-butt attack, so THAT is actually one of the few things that didn't emerge from my sick and twisted imagination.
