A.N. / For updates on this fic email me and I'll tell yout the webpage to check out. Lily's diary entry is very dear to a good friend of mine, hope you guys like.
Chapter 39
Days later Harold James Potter's funeral took place in a private Potter family cemetery. Of course James, Sarah, Lily, Sirius, Cassidy, Remus, Gabriella, Frank, Alice, and Peter were allowed to go to funeral.
Lily wore a long black shirt and a emerald green blouse. Lily had her hair pinned back and Lily wore just a pit of makeup. Cassidy wore a full black dress and her blonde hair pulled into a bun. Gabriella wore a black skirt and top and her long dark hair laying upon her back. Alice had on a black skirt that went to her knees and a baby blue blouse on. Sarah had on all black and she looked pale against all the black clothing and her black hair.
Sarah had been acting weird lately, she wasn't acting like the normal twelve-year-old that Sarah usually was. Lily didn't notice it the night that Sarah came to eat dinner with James and herself in the Head Lounge. James hadn't noticed it at all because he was still in shock that his father was actually dead. Lily noticed it two days later. Sarah wasn't acting like she was twelve, but as if she was three or four years old.
Professor Dumbledore had called Lily into his office just last night and asked Lily if there was any changes in Sarah Potter that she'd noticed. Lily answered truthfully and asked why. Professor Dumbledore said that Sarah's roommates and teachers were worried about her.
All the boys practically wore the same thing except their ties were different colors. Black slacks and a white collared t-shirt. Remus had a blue tie on, Sirius a gray tie, James a black tie, Peter a green tie, and Frank a red tie on.
"James?" Lily said grabbing his arm and jerked back into reality.
"Hmm?" He turned back and gave her a smirk, it was the closest he could to this day.
They'd arrived by Port-key and James was looking over the crowd of people for his mother.
"I think I see her over there at the front of the chapel."
James nodded, "Where's Sarah?"
"She had to run to the bathroom."
"Can you go after her? I don't want her to be alone right now."
"I figured that and before I could run off with her, Alice did. She told me to stay with you today that you'd need me."
"James?" Came a small voice from behind them.
James turned around to Sarah, "Where is Mummy?"
"We were going find her now," James said grabbing his little sister's hand.
"I'll just see you guys later," Lily said turning around to find Gabby.
"What?!" James said turning around and letting go of Sarah and grabbing onto Lily. "No, you can't. You can't leave me, please don't."
"I figured…"
"I don't care. You don't have to but please."
"But what about Sirius and…"
"There's plenty of seats. It'll be Mum, Sarah, Sirius, Cassidy, you, and me. Just enough. Remus, Gabby, Alice, Frank, and Peter will sit behind us." Lily nodded and James had Sarah's hand in his right and Lily's in his left.
Lily felt her stomach drop and her heart ache when she saw Grace Potter. Grace always had such a happy smile and was a very positive person and here she was sobbing in the first row. A handkerchief dabbing at her eyes, in all black, and a black veil over her face. Professor Dumbledore was sitting beside her trying to console her.
"James, Sarah, and Lily. Glad you finally made it," Professor Dumbledore said and Lily noticed that the usual sparkle in his eyes were gone and all there was, was sadness.
"James! Sarah!" Grace said standing and throwing her arms around her children. James tried to comfort his mother while, Grace and Sarah sobbed together.
"Is he really gone Mummy?" Sarah said pulling back and looking into her mother's eyes.
"I…I'm afraid he is sweetheart."
"I want to see him," Grace nodded and she walked over to the casket with her twelve year old daughter.
"Don't you want to see him James?" Lily asked.
"Of course I do, but I'll wait until Mum comes back with Sarah."
When James and Lily approached the casket, Lily felt tears fill into her eyes. Harold looked so peaceful and yet she was so sad. Because a good, honest husband and father had been murdered by a vicious horrible beast! Harold's body shouldn't be awaiting to enter the ground, his body should have his soul inside and he should be awaiting the holidays to spend with his children.
Lily turned to look at James and his beautiful tan skin and face had now turned ghostly white, in fact he looked almost gray. He squeezed Lily's hand a bit harder then she would have liked, but she knew this was hard for him. He was saying goodbye to his father, of course she knew in the long run they'd do it to Grace and Lily's parents…but it's not suppose to be so soon!
James let go of Lily's hand and instead wrapped his arm around her waist and she knew he was being protective of her…and in a way it was soothing…but of course she couldn't say anything at the moment.
The funeral had turned out to be a beautiful ceremony and Lily cried almost through out the entire thing. Of course Lily's tears had been joined by many others, especially Grace and Sarah Potter. Lily was going to ask James where his grandparents were, but in the ceremony it was said that Harold's parents were murdered by Grindelwald as had Grace's parents. Lily was stunned, James had never told her any of this.
And as Lily looked over to James before the ceremony was over, and you could tell by the tone in the man's voice. Lily was shocked to see silent tears streaming slowly down his face. Of course she expected James to grieve, but she figured he'd never grieve again in front of her or in front of the public.
Lily figured James must have felt Lily staring at him and he wiped away the few tears and he held her closer to him.
That night Lily convinced her mum and dad to let her stay at The Potter's house and of course it was a lot of convincing to do and Lily was lucky that her father was out of town on business because he would have defiantly have said no.
Lily told her mum that she'd be sharing a room with Sarah, but when Lily arrived at the Potter Mansion with Grace, James, Sarah, and Sirius. Lily soon found out that Lily would have her own guestroom to herself. And the house-elf, Sugar, showed Lily to her room.
Grace demanded to be alone and told the house-elves not to bother her and told the children that if they needed her to knock on the door. The bedroom door closed and Lily was sure she heard Grace break down to sobs and Lily felt her heart break for Grace.
Sarah had went to the kitchens to eat some ice cream and Sirius had went to Cassidy's house. He said he needed to see his girlfriend and then mumbled a bit that James couldn't understand. Lily was in the guestroom that was set up for her, to change from her black dress, tights, and hair bow.
Lily some how knew where James's room was and she entered his room in a pair of jeans, sneakers, a black blouse, and black head band. James was sprawled out on his bed and Lily could have sworn he was asleep.
But then she heard, "Sirius just please go away. I thought you said you were heading to O'Brian's house?"
"Is that where he went?" Came a soft voice that made James sit up and his eyes lit up. Lily smiled, she was happy to actually see him happy on this mournful day.
"Lily," he whispered and walked toward her and throwing his arms around her and holding her for a while. When he finally pulled back, "I thought you were taking a nap."
"No," Lily said shaking her head. "I told you I was changing into something comfortable."
"Sorry…"
"It's okay."
"What do you want to do?" James asked sitting down on his bed.
"Let's watch the telly."
"The what?!"
"You remember the television, right?"
"Oh yeah! The box with the people in it that Muggles own. Lily, I'm sorry to say we don't have one."
Lily shrugged, "That's okay." Lily tapped one of James's stinky shoes and it sprouted into a nice size television. Lily got up and James grabbed her arm, "Please don't leave me right now."
"I need to," Lily said looking at him. "You need sometime alone, and I need a shower and to write in my diary. I'll be back in an hour."
James's looked upset but he nodded, "I know you hold dearly to that diary thing, so go on."
Lily took a quick shower and got dried her hair, as she plopped on to the bed that was in the guestroom she'd be sleeping in. And began to write in her diary.
Dearest Diary,
I thought I had it all figured out. My future, in its entirety. My career, my child, my husband, my house, everything that I needed to think about, it was done and thought about. But then in a split second, tears wash over your eyes and you can't breathe in anymore, and you could almost kill someone you didn't think you could live without. But what do you do when that person wanted to live without you? They moved on within hours. No grieving, no sickness- just selfish lies. Why did he keep me?
All I know is that I never get answers to the most important questions. No words make up for the pain caused by selfishness from the one you've catered to and were stupid enough to make yourself vulnerable to. You think you've learned every lesson, had fights with every inner demon, overcome everything thrown at you, and are strong enough to handle anything else. And then there's that something else staring you in the face. The one thing you were so sure you didn't even have to fear it because it was impossible. All the times you heard the comforting words of loyalty. Smashed.
How do you pick that up? How do you make things okay with yourself? How will you ever manage trust again?
This is what's going on in my head right now. No one who has ever called themselves my friend, claimed to care about me, said they wouldn't let this kind of thing happen to me and done this. Except one person. The same person I feel like I can't live without. He has taken it all. My trust in him, my dignity, my thoughts of self-worth, my happiness. Right now its all gone. No words can fix what has happened. None. And the silence hurts just as bad.
I'm numb everywhere. I want to sleep but I feel like my chest might cave in. I want to die but I refuse to leave with knowing if I will have another happy day. I wish I knew when that would be. I wish I knew anything that could remedy the feeling of betrayal. Now we can't run from it because it is the truth. More truth than I am aware of.
This isn't the shiny happy entry that I wanted to make. I didn't expect for today to be to hard. I wanted to be back asleep by now. I wish I was a carefree animal, bunnies don't cry. They eat and mate and hop and know no different. They stay away from us people. Because they're smarter than they get credit for. I would stay away from people to but then they call me anti-social. The answer to life is bunnies. No I'm not crazy.. Just hopefully distracting.
I hate that I look vulnerable, I'm usually the one people turn to, I don't like to openly seem to have a heart and feel pain. But I love that my friends know that I do have one of the biggest hearts and that I do sometimes need people to worry about me to motivate me to get better so they can see my happy again. Shiny and happy.
One day it wont be like this. That's the day you'll see me happy and carefree, like I usually am. I've always said I'm so much stronger than most people and I can take it when things get tough because I've been through so much and I know how to deal with things. But when you are only seriously afraid of a few things and they happen so suddenly and at once, it gets to be unbearable. A lot of people have trouble seeing me cry. Apparently it makes other people feel really sad too, even if it has nothing to do with them. That's why people don't really see me cry. I try to do it privately and just get it over with and be okay before anyone knows I was sad enough to cry. But I've cried every single day. Not the crying when something just doesn't go your way, or when you stub your toe, or have a bad day. The horrible crying like you think your world has really fallen apart. Because it has. Not all parts of it, just the most important ones to me. There's no way to prepare for it or to speed up dealing with it. And you can't escape it for even a second because its right there in your face, no matter where you turn.
These 2 days I had made so much progress. Mapped out my career, what I wanted my family to be, my child, my husband, everything. And now I feel like I can't do any of it.
I will get over this and be able to have that ideal still, but the most intricate part feels like its not really there. The other person to hold me together. I've never done anything to hurt anyone, but they always find a way to think its okay to do it to me. Things do hurt me just as much as they would if I dealt the damage back.. If I did this to people, they would disown me.. I could probably mess up once and be shunned forever.. But I don't do that, I don't hurt people and if ever do its not intentional and there was probably some reciprocities action taken against me, if not before I did something.
I don't push people into my beliefs
I don't push people into doing things they don't want to
But somehow I feel like the one person I want has done everything in his power to push me away. It's obvious why I feel like that, but I shouldn't. I can't help it though.
Day before yesterday was progressive, yesterday was a blast, today just hurts. It's like an on/off switch. I never know what the next day will bring. I wish I could go back to my old self who had a problem and just stayed in bed. Things never got worse because you're just in bed. You can sleep, sing, daydream, whatever. But nothing ever got better there. Staying in bed wont fix the problems that aren't in bed. I guess I don't want to go back to my old self.. I just wish things were as easy as they once were. But I was so much younger then.
December is always the saddest and hardest month for me. Looking at my old diary from 1 year ago.
(about the wedding) December 7th-I wonder if James will cut the cake with me at the reception.. I have Gabriella and Cassidy who I can make help me if necessary.. I know I'm definitely not as excited as Alice and Frank for this but I'm pretty excited. One of my oldest and best friend getting married..
I was amused that I wrote about him a year ago. Hopeful little-"had a crush"- me. Things will change, they always do because they have to. That's life you know. I love reading my old diary because I make myself laugh and think what was I thinking that day?! and its just kick ass to see a year go by. I may put more of it in here as the days come to match the old ones.
My heart wont let me distract myself THAT much, The bastard. It's almost 7:30.. I don't know if I should lay down and possibly sleep all day and then get shit for it.. to stay up and feel like shit because I barely slept and my eyes are red and swollen. Decisions.
Always,
Lily
Lily closed her diary feeling that entry was good but longer than she ever intended for it to be, she looked at her watch…it had been over an hour. And she was surprised James hadn't come in after her and yelled at her for not being there for him in his time of grief.
But Lily also really needed her own time to think, that entry was about the two men she'd been torn up inside. Lily decided to take another hot shower and began to think to herself.
I was so hopeful that James would come to and remember me and dump Paris, that it never happened. And all the passion I held inside for James I threw at Tyler. As time progressed I began to believe that Tyler was the only one I could trust, that we'd be together for ever because I was safe and he'd never hurt me. That we'd get married, but always in the back of my mind I saw James cutting the cake with me…not Tyler.
I still think it is my fault that Tyler is dead. He was so angry at me that night after we had dinner with The Weasley's….I wonder if he saw the passion I hold inside for James? I wonder if he went into that fight with the Death Eaters so angry that he lost his head and just didn't see the Death Curse that hit him.
The last few days have just been 'what ifs' and it scares me, because honestly know I don't know what Tyler really was to me. At first he was just something to help me get over James, but before he died I was really starting to get feelings for him. Is it actually possible to love two men at the same time? Is it possible to love James Potter and yet love Tyler Smith, my now dead boyfriend that I will never see him smile or give me that look he only gives me.
I am torn up inside and I'll never know if I was actually destined for Tyler or James or even someone else. For all I know Tyler dying is totally changing my life path and that's scary. Because really, was Tyler suppose to cut my wedding cake. Or is James suppose to, or is it someone I have I don't even know yet. These are the thoughts haunting me, torturing me, and I feel like I'm drowning inside and no one can hear me to help me.
No one hears my screams for help…
