A.N. / Glad you guys liked the last chapter and sorry it took so long! But here's the next part! In honor of J.K. Rowling finishing the 6th book and us finding out we get it on July 16th, 2004; I finally finished this chapter and posting it now!!! I was going to wait a few days, but I'm not that mean….so here you go!
Chapter 40
James woke up the next morning to the television still on and Lily no where to be found. He went to the room she was staying in, and he knew it was too early to wake her. She wasn't ready yet, as today was Tyler's funeral. James wondered what her real feeling for him had been and what her true feelings for Smith had been.
James opened the door to see Lily asleep atop her blankets and a diary sitting upon her chest. James took the diary off and placed it on the chair beside him and it fell to the floor. He picked Lily up and tucked her in bed, he'd have to wake her in a few hours; but he'd let her get her rest. After all that's what she let him do yesterday. James kissed the top of her head and turned around to see the diary laying open to a page and he was curious. He picked it up and turned to see Lily still sleeping. He took the diary with him and went to his room. Opened it to a page right after James had gotten amnesia and started dating Paris.
Dear Diary,
My mood is so blue. I'm awake again…I managed to cry myself to sleep…now I'm awake and I still feel like I've died…I feel nothing until I break out into another crying fit…and then I go back to being dead inside again…nothing I have tried has made it better…at least he can sleep. Nobody did this to him. I wish I never bothered…I wish I hadn't "wasted" months of his time and effort. I wish his new girlfriend would die a painful death, at least he treats her good. Some things are worth the time and effort, and I guess I have no control over how I'm not that..
I'm having the worst feelings in the world, a million people could be here and I still wouldn't care, I wouldn't smile, I'd still just feel like I shouldn't exist. Like I shouldn't be here. I'm not THE most important person to anyone. I may take 2nd or 3rd or maybe top 5, but that's not what a person like me needs. Merlin, if I just didn't let myself be fooled into believing someone could love me, that someone could make me better from the last time someone I cared for betrayed me. I thought maybe some people are better and more deserving than others, but they all hurt me. I can't help but to think its me.. but I KNOW it's not me. I don't lie to people about my feelings for other people. I don't say things I don't mean. I just wish I'd realized how bad it could hurt again. I swore I'd never let myself be here again.. Especially over a guy who isn't worth my tears because anything we shared, he let go of in an instant for someone he only claimed to hate because he then had a girlfriend, and a bunch of friends he can't even go to for help.. But I am here.. Unfortunately...I will never have my happily ever after. Being burned too many times it why people like me turn cold and give up on others. I don't even have faith that the right person is out there for me anymore. Maybe there IS no right person.. Some people have one.. but it wasn't meant for me.. I was never meant to be happy.. and when I was, it turned out to be fake. Like I am a filler until something goes wrong or something better comes along.. then its goodbye to me. Call me crazy.. but what am I supposed to believe after someone says that I'm the one- the answer to all their problems- that they love me more than any man could love a woman.. And then say it was time wasted. I was the only one in the relationship.. apparently I was the only one who cared.. And I can't find a way not to.. I knew since I was little that I didn't want to live my life without being with someone.. its just who I am.. Love is what makes me want to live and it is what would always keep me going.. There's no other feeling like it.. Nothing can replace it.. But its true.. when its gone, there really is nothing there.. before I ever had a boyfriend at all I wasn't unhappy because I knew that my day would come.. Someone would sweep me off my feet and we'd both know its right and be together forever.. and most importantly, no matter what happened, he wouldn't give up on me.. That's what I had this time.. Had.. If I had died that night before he broke up with me, it would've been so easy.. then his life would've been "in order" the way he wanted it.. I apologize for the hindrance my love causes.
There is apparently no bouncing back from being thrown away.. "once the paper's crumpled up, it can't be perfect again" .. I always thought if paper crumpled up, you could take a book out and it would be okay.. But it WILL never be perfect again.. Because you're not supposed to crumple up paper you care about and plan on keeping.. This is my punishment for giving my life to someone who didn't want it.. for thinking I could give someone the happiness that normal life couldn't bring.. You always take that chance when you open yourself up and finally rely on someone else.. You just never expect the worst to happen if you put all of your effort into being everything they want and need to try to make up for the times you weren't there and they were hurt.. but something in their heart sends them to the one who caused them pain instead of the person they thought they loved. Its ridiculous how I try to put this into words but it all still seems as empty as myself.. I could handle the depression when it was within myself.. It's a different story when everything that helped you handle it finally reveals itself to be a working of your imagination. False happiness is false hope is false life
I am not as great of a person as I thought I was trying to be all along because if I was then it wouldn't have happened. "You know Pain is Love so what's wrong with suffering?" Because sometimes you think its worth it. And sometimes you're the ONLY one who thought it..
It's a feeling of uncontrollable nakedness.. You are so uncomfortable knowing other people can see you but you can't get away for fear that something may happen that you can't even control.. I have no control over anything in my life except sometimes I convince myself a bath will help, and I manage to drag the lifeless body that I once loved so much to the bathroom, only to end up more upset because I have to look at myself. Somehow I keep momentarily convincing myself that its MY fault.. but it ends just as quickly as it comes because even as much as I hate myself right now.. I know its not true. My life was supposed to be more than this. I don't have energy because I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time that are actually just me passing out form weakness from sobbing so hard.. and my immunity is super low because I haven't slept and I can't manage to eat much.. maybe a few bites of something a day but I have to stop because I get nauseous and my pride won't let my vomit.. and also I don't think my body could handle it.. I'm still wearing the same shirt from last night.. I cried so much that my entire sleeve from mid-forearm down was soaked.. but its dry now.. it still breaks my heart to know that I'm wearing something that still holds my tears next to my body.. I also have dried tears on my pillow, my comforter, my favorite hoodie, the shirt I wore before this one, and the face that someone once said was the most beautiful face they've ever laid eyes on.. The one thing that has stopped is the shaking, for obvious reasons.. I can barely walk or stand, I have a fever.. maybe I'll catch pneumonia and die or something else satisfyingly distracting.. I just want to love him and be happy. But its a fight among the side of my heart that never stopped loving him, the side that says he doesn't love me, and my mind that can't decide either way. ..Torn..
Always,
Lily
James's mouth dropped as he was just shocked…she loved him. Lily Evans had actually loved him. Of course she'd never admit it to this day, she was as stubborn as….
"You," Grace Potter said smiling at her son.
"Aww, mum! I hate when you do that."
"I know, but you know you shouldn't be reading her diary. It's not the key to her heart, it's just a collection of her thoughts."
"I can't find out anymore from her unless I read this thing!" He said about to throw it to the floor when Sarah came rushing in and taking it from her brother and she left again. "Where is she going?!"
"Return Lily's diary back to Lily before she sees that it's gone and starts to blame you. Yesterday was horrible for us all, and today will be no different."
"You and Sarah don't have to go to Smith's funeral with Lily and me today."
"Yes we do," Grace said nodding her head. "As a family of an Auror, you go to every Auror's funeral…as a sign of respect. Tyler was a great Auror for such a young age, he reminded me a lot of your father when he first started to work. The funeral is at noon, we're leaving at eleven. Be ready."
"Don't worry about me, we just need to get Lily up."
"Sarah was going do that after she returned the diary back. You're very lucky Lily didn't see you with her diary…you probably wouldn't be alive today if she saw you reading that. See you in a bit." Grace walked out of her son's bedroom and went into her lonely bedroom to start getting ready for, yet another funeral.
An hour later James was downstairs eating French toast when he heard heels hitting the stairs, just so lightly.
"Lily." Grace said fixing James some orange juice.
"Hello," Lily said giving a sad smile to them all which made James's heart want to break in two.
"Sit down dear, I just made some French toast."
Sarah walked in after Lily, "You cooked breakfast?"
Grace nodded, "I decided to give the house elves a day off."
"Why?"
"Well…I just did."
"They weren't offended?" James asked looking surprised.
"I told them they either take the day off or they get clothes," Grace said in a huff. Sirius came and fell upon the kitchen table, "Tired?"
Sirius grunted and Grace took that as a yes, "What time did you come home last night?"
"I don't know," Sirius said blushing.
"Ah ha," Grace said with a knowingly look upon her face. "Came in after curfew again Sirius?"
"Sorry Mama P," Sirius said looking truly sorry.
"After the funeral you come straight home and you get to wash the dishes."
"Okay."
"The Muggle way."
"No!" Sirius whined but you could tell Mrs. Potter had her mind made up.
"Well can Cassidy at least come over?"
Grace nodded, "But she has to leave by ten."
"Ten?!"
"You're grounded Sirius, you come in late on curfew and you get grounded, you know the rules." Grace then turned her attention to James, "You all need to finish breakfast, we're leaving for the church in thirty minutes." Grace walked out and after they heard her close a door upstairs Sarah began to speak.
"She's not eating?"
"Maybe she isn't hungry," Sirius said eating his food like a barbarian down his throat.
"That's disgusting, Sirius;" Lily said curling up her nose.
"Stuff it Evans."
"Lily's right Sirius," Sarah said laughing at him and he stuck his tongue out with food on it making all of them groan in disgust.
"What I was saying is that I've noticed Mum hasn't eaten the whole time we've been home."
"What?!" James and Sirius yelled at the same time.
"I know, and that's why I'm surprised she's still not eating."
James looked down at his watch, "We'll have to ask her about it later."
Before Lily knew what happened she was in a church again, attending the third funeral in a year. Her second funeral in two days. Lily had already ran into Ms. Smith and she was sobbing her eyes out, but Lily couldn't blame her. Ms. Smith had lost her one and only son. Dumbledore, Tyler's grandfather, held his daughter close and they sat at the front of the church. Lily couldn't bare to be that close again.
In fact Lily didn't want to even see the body, but James dragged her up there.
There he was, her…her… Then it occurred to Lily, he wasn't anything to her anymore. All Tyler was, was dead and he was never coming back! He died angry at her, he died hating her, and she'd never the time to apologize. She'd never had the opportunity to apologize to Tyler. To say to Tyler that she was sorry! That she was sorry that she loved James when she was suppose to love Tyler. That she wasn't the girl he deserved! Damn it!
"Wake up!" Lily cried softly and James held her close trying to sooth her and she pushed him away. She didn't really push him…it was more like a shove and James realized she needed to be alone.
"Wake up!" She sobbed a little louder and even with the distance that James had backed up, he could still hear her. He looked around and it seemed no one else could hear her.
"Wake up!" She sobbed hitting the casket and she was starting to attract some people's attention and James tried to get her away and she pushed him really hard this time. "Leave me alone Potter!" She screamed and the entire church had their attention on the redhead now.
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" She wailed and James could hear Ms. Smith sobbing and muttering that this wasn't fair to Lily. "DAMN IT! COME BACK! TYLER COME BACK TO ME!" She was hugging his limp body in the casket and James wouldn't go now, he had to get her out of here. She was causing a scene. "No Potter!" She growled, "Leave me here! I won't let my best friend leave me! WAKE UP TYLER, DAMN IT COME BACK TO ME!" By now there were others crying and feeling sympathy for the redhead as they all seemed to find out from one another, that this was his girlfriend.
Sirius had come to James's aid to get Lily out and she screamed and kicked and called Sirius and James some of the ugliest names in the book.
Lily was quiet at the burial plot and she cried as they said the final words and they threw dirt on to his casket. "He's suffocating," Lily sobbed into James's shoulder. "Their throwing the dirt into his face!" She cried harder and only James could hear her cries and he walked her towards the church so they could Floo back to the Potter Manor.
"Where's Lily?" Grace Potter asked her adopted son, Sirius Black.
"Sleeping."
"Still?"
"She wore herself out at the funeral."
Grace nodded, "She sure made a scene. Did she really love him?"
"Who James?"
"No, Tyler."
"No clue," Sirius said honestly while shrugging his shoulders. "To tell you the truth I think she only thought of him as a brother like figure to protect her, but yeah…Smith loved her. I could tell that way back when. When Lily was debating whether she should date Prongs or Smith."
"Wow."
"You know the night that he died they got in a big fight and…."
"And?"
"She told him she hated him."
"Oh…wow…"
"Yeah, so she's kind of beating herself up inside. The last thing that she practically said to him was that she hated him. He stormed off and she begged him to come back. Lily thinks he was so angry with her that he stormed off into the attack and was so headstrong that he got himself killed. Lily blames herself for Tyler's death."
"But that's absurd!" Grace said gasping and she was still holding her hand to her mouth, "It was Lucius Malfoy that killed Tyler."
"How do you know?" Sirius looked at his adopted mum in awe.
"A lot of the Aurors were witnessed to it, it was like Lucius Malfoy's induction into the Death Eaters. He had to kill an Auror, it was too bad that he killed on of the few that would have had a victorious successful career as an Auror."
"Like Harry," Sirius said sadly.
"Yeah," Grace sighed. "Like my Harry."
"Why was Harry killed?"
Grace chuckled, "Isn't it obvious? Harold has had a target on his head for years, ever since he was named the best Auror known to Wizard. Voldemort knew that he could never succeed with my Harry alive. I'm guessing when he found out that Harold was taking Tyler under his wing, he'd told his Death Eaters to kill two birds with one stone."
"That's horrible," Sarah gasped from behind them and Grace sighed.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, but it's life."
"Then I hate our life," Sarah said looking sad.
"We lost Grampy and Granny years ago, now Daddy, and Lily's boyfriend."
"I know darling," Grace said as she put her arms around her daughter. Sarah stormed upstairs and Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"She's been acting a bit strange lately, don't you think."
"That's the main thing that scares me," Grace said nodding. "It seems as if her inner child is coming out during the tragedy…in a way to protect her from the grief she should be experiencing."
"What should we do Mummy P?"
"I'm thinking of calling my friend from St. Mungo's, it's Sarah's Godmother and she's what the Muggles call a Shrink. Hopefully she can tell me what's going on with my baby."
James peeked into the guestroom that Lily had taken shelter in, and he smiled as he saw her fast asleep. James felt as heartbroken as Lily did. Yes Lily did lose her boyfriend and best friend, but James had lost his father who had been like a best friend to him. Harold had been James and Sirius's best older guy friend….if that made any sense. James knew that he had to help Lily get over her lose, but James only hoped that Lily would help him get over the loss of his father.
