Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki is not mine.
Warning: Yaoi. Not suitable for kids.
Thanks for those who reviewed and support me. This chapter is dedicated to lydd, viciouscallisto, namida tendo and Kiba-chan. You guys had gives me the courage to go on.
To Kiba-chan, I'm sorry; I'm very weak in grammar. How about this chapter? Is it improving?
For others, thank you for your support. I'm sorry too. Didn't mean to make you guys cry.
Now, wipe those tears and enjoy the next chapter.
Just Let Him Go…
Breakfast the next morning is the same as always, a little spat between me and Goku, a calming Hakkai and a grunting Sanzo. After that, our journey continues. Nothing changes. Nothing should have change.
The journey is as usual, a little peaceful, a little bit of havoc, some youkais attacks and all, and back to a quite atmosphere, though it's not for long. It's not that I'm complaining. In fact, it made it easier for me to blend in, hiding the wound of my heart.
The sun had nearly set, and Hakkai had suggested for an outdoor camp, since the next town will be a couple of days away. We had finally agreed to camp in a clearing at the riverside. The scenery was nice, and the river acts as the source of food and fresh water. Camping here might not be so bad after all.
After a nice meal of grilled fish, we were ready to sleep. Hakkai went to the river to clean up the dishes, and Sanzo followed up soon afterwards. They hadn't returned for an hour later, and I don't want to think of anything. Goku has already snoring and it made me kind of jealous on his simple and easygoing life. I couldn't sleep so I just spent the night staring at the campfire, mesmerize on how the flames is eating the woods and leaves to blackened ashes. Yeah, like my heart right now. It has already burnt to crisp. I might think of feeding it to the dogs. Maybe it would be nice, living without a heart, and without feelings. I won't feel anything anymore. No more sadness, no more happiness, no more joy, and no more despair. No jealousy, not even hate and nothing called love. It would be nice, wouldn't it?
A crack of twigs and I'm out of my reverie. They're back. They're gone for about 2 hours 11 minutes and 13 seconds; it's not that I'm counting anyway. Really, I'm not counting. It's just that, I'm a genius for sudden. Yeah, just take it that way. It was easier.
I went to my sleeping bag, pretending to be asleep. I heard them coming, Hakkai bidding a hushed 'good night' to Sanzo and he just grunt as a reply. That is not a 'good night' you damned bastard monk! At least take care of him properly, you shitty monk! Bide him proper and kiss him good night if necessary. Caress him and let him sleep under your touch. Watch over him, so that he can have a nice peaceful slumber, and wake up for a nice and wonderful day.
I squeezed my hand so hard that my nails are biting the palm of my hand. It gives me heartache to see him being mistreated that way. God knows how I longed to be the ones residing his heart.
When I was sure that they all had fallen asleep. I sat up straight on my sleeping bag, and resume my campfire watching ritual, kind of. I stole a couple of glances towards Hakkai, who sleeps on the other side of campfire, opposite of mine. One can't help but worried, in case there's a dangerous insect lurking around. Who knows, prevention is better than cure.
I keep on staring the flames, thinking of so many things, like, where we would be after we finished the journey? What should we do? How are our lives that time? Is it the same when we first started knowing each other? Is it the same back then, when Hakkai and I had a very wonderful time together?
It also made me wonder, for me, those 3 years living with Hakkai is the most wonderful moment of my life. That is the time when I know what does it feels to really care for somebody. It was during that time that I realize that I had fallen in love with him, discreetly. I was so afraid, confessing my love to him after all he had been through. And so, I had waited for him. I keep on waiting, and until this very moment, I am still waiting.
But, does he feel the same way that I do? Those times he spent with me, is it as wonderful as I thought? Or, the 3 months with Sanzo outweigh everything?
I can't answer that, because I don't have the answer. Or maybe, the answer is displayed perfectly in front of me, and my heart is just too stubborn to believe it. Open your eyes Gojyo. Don't burden yourself with something you can't even understand. Just let him go.
Just let him go…
I leaned back onto my sleeping bag, and sigh heavily.
It's been 101 days…
More to comes…