Thanks muchly again for all of the luverly reviews! They make me happy and inspire me to write more quickly especially the ones that tell me to get off my lazy bum and update. ;-)
Just to clear it up: Harry Potter and co. are in their sixth year at Hogwarts, the DADA teacher will not be Harry himself, and the DADA teacher will not be a previous DADA teacher returning to Hogwarts. There. Now that that's out of the way I don't own Harry Potter, and I am sadly not making any money by writing this. Enjoy! Oh and I forget who asked, but Ethan is going "back to Hogwarts" in the sense that he was just there that morning to drop off his things, not because he'd been there for a previous school year. ;-) There! Now, without further ado, the chapter!
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The train had been in motion for five minutes when there was a knock on the compartment door. Nicholas slid it open to reveal a small, skinny boy who looked about two years younger than he must have been.
"Hello," Nicholas said, an amiable smile spreading immediately across his features. Ethan offered a little wave from next to the window as Ruhún edged timidly behind Ethan's neck and onto his further shoulder.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" the boy asked. "All of the others are full of idiots."
Ethan blinked at the variation of the almost-familiar line, but then lifted his free shoulder. Nicholas slid back towards the window to make room and nodded.
"Thanks!" The boy plunked himself unceremoniously onto the bench and regarded the other three inhabitants with large, dark eyes that were always partially obscured by a floppy fringe of brown hair that the boy habitually flicked aside to no avail. "I'm Edward Fairfax." He turned to Ethan. "And you're the main character." Nicholas shifted slightly at that announcement, and Edward fixed his eyes on him. "And you're, what, one of the main character's cohorts?"
"It isn't his fault he's the main character," Nicholas said quietly. "You don't have to go rubbing it in like that."
"Oh, and I'm sure he hasn't had it rubbed in a million times already," Edward laughed, "and won't have it rubbed in five million times more over the course of the school year."
"That doesn't mean you have to contribute," Nicholas said sharply, looking about as unfriendly as Ethan had ever seen him.
"It's all right," the main character interrupted, not wanting the spat to continue. "I'm used to it and if I wasn't, I'd need to get used to it." He searched for a change of subject. "Are either of you from wizarding families?"
"I was raised by badgers," Edward said seriously.
Nicholas rolled his eyes. "I'm from a wizarding family."
"Who said I wasn't?" Edward challenged.
"You just said you were raised by badgers!"
"They were wizarding badgers."
"They were not. Don't be stupid."
"They were." Edward sat up. "My parents started out as normal people, then they had me, and then they decided they didn't want to deal with the human world any longer, so they turned themselves into badgers."
"And what, they just dragged you along in your nappy or something?" Nicholas shook his head.
"No, they turned me into a badger as well," Edward said casually. "Then I got my acceptance letter to Hogwarts, so they dug up their old wands and turned me back."
"Bollocks," Nicholas said decisively.
"Believe what you like; it's all true," Edward said with a smug smile, as if being raised by badgers was something to be proud of.
"Well, the reason I asked," Ethan interrupted the growing argument again, "is because I was wondering what wizard children did for primary school. I mean, did your parents teach you how to read and write, or are there elementary schools for wizard children, or did you just get sent off to normal schools and hope that you didn't accidentally turn someone into a lemming?"
"I wasn't taught reading and writing," Edward said before Nicholas could get a word in. "I was taught how to do badger things, you know, like dig up worms and rob nests and kill small rodents. Then my parents magically infused me with all the knowledge I would need to start out with."
"I suppose that's why you're not snuffling around on all fours right now," Nicholas folded his arms.
"Look who's catching on!" Edward grinned.
"Well, at least your dormitory will be rat-free."
"Right, well, what was your schooling like?" Ethan asked Nicholas quickly.
"I went to a regular primary school," Nicholas explained, looking a bit more cheerful when Edward didn't interrupt. "My parents were worried about me doing bits of magic, but I never did anything extreme. Just, you know, cheating at tag accidentally by slowing down whoever I was chasing."
"'Accidentally,'" Edward snorted quietly.
"Shut it, you."
Ethan sighed. It was going to be a long train ride.
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By the time they reached the station, Ethan had decided that Edward had either led an astonishing life, or (and he thought this more likely) the boy was a compulsive liar. There were several heated moments when Ethan thought he was going to have to grab his broomstick to keep Nicholas and Edward from tearing each other apart. Not that Edward behaved threateningly it was just clear that the boy was happiest when he was irritating someone else, and in this case the someone else was Nicholas.
The three boys stepped off of the train and into a warm, muggy evening. Over the excited chattering of students, a loud voice rumbled, "Firs' years follow me! This way, firs' years! All righ', Harry?"
Several first year students craned their necks in an attempt to get a glimpse of the famous Harry Potter as they shuffled towards Hagrid, but had no luck as they were a good deal shorter than most everyone else. Ethan didn't even attempt to try and pick Potter out of the crowd; he had just realized that he had left his broom on the train, and was wondering if the folks who unloaded the luggage would be able to handle it without being injured. Plus, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to meet Harry. All of the books had made it seem as if Harry resented being famous, but still what if having his limelight taken away upset him? And what would the famous Harry Potter want to do with a first year, anyway? No, Ethan would just as soon avoid the Boy Who Lived if he could manage it.
The first years were all herded towards the lake, where a fleet of small boats was waiting. Ethan sent Ruhún ahead with strict orders to fly as high over the lake as possible he didn't want the giant squid making a midnight snack out of his friend.
Nicholas and Ethan climbed into a boat, followed almost immediately by a stubborn, talkative Edward. The boat ride across the lake consisted of Nicholas gritting his teeth and starting straight ahead, Edward blathering on about eating baby rabbits raw, and Ethan darting nervous glances at the water and starting to wish that he had gone back to Hogwarts with Fawkes instead of taking the train. The castle looked magnificent, at least.
Once they reached the castle, they trooped inside and up a flight of stairs. Waiting for them at the top was a tall, thin, grasshopper-y woman in deep green robes, staring sternly down at them all through a pair of rectangular spectacles. Ethan was reminded slightly of Yzma. She didn't look quite as old, but definitely qualified as scary beyond all reason.
"Welcome to Hogwarts," the witch said loud enough to carry over and effectively drown out the nervous whispers and titters of the small crowd. "I am Professor McGonagall. There are four houses here: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw" she trailed off, looking disgruntled. "Has anyone here not read the books?"
Edward raised his hand cheerfully. "I couldn't read them because I was too busy being a badger." He smiled as McGonagall shot him a withering look.
"Anyone else?" she inquired sharply. No hands were raised. "Right. Then you all know the drill. Follow me." She wheeled around in a rumple of robes and strode through a large pair of double-doors, shoving them wide with such force that they slammed into the inside walls, bounced back violently, and gave one girl who hadn't leaped aside fast enough a bloody nose. McGonagall repaired the damage with an impatient flick of her wand, and then walked quickly up the center of the Great Hall.
Ethan half-jogged to keep up along with the rest of the students, trying not to flush as he heard "main character" echoing on every side. If he had turned to look, he was sure he would have seen every eye in the hall on him; so he didn't look. He focused on the back of McGonagall's robes instead. They were quite green, indeed.
The first-years were led up towards the main table, where Dumbledore was regarding them with a small smile. McGonagall walked off to the side for a moment, and came back carrying a stool in one hand and a hat that had definitely seen better days in the other. She set the stool down, plunked the hat unceremoniously on top, and then stood off to the side.
The lights dimmed dramatically, and a hush spread through the Great Hall. A single spotlight illuminated the hat, which just sat there for a moment. Then it began to twitch rhythmically. A rip near the brim opened like a mouth and emitted a quiet, "A-one, a-two, a-one two three four!"
BA-DOWWWWWW! The first years jumped collectively as a deafening bass note reverberated throughout the hall, accompanied by a crash of symbols. More spotlights turned on, revealing a drum set in one corner that no one had noticed, played by a house elf wearing shades much too big for it and an artfully ripped and torn pillowcase. Twirling the drumsticks expertly, the house elf proceeded to slam out a short but vigorous solo.
There was another loud BA-DAAAWWWRRR! The first years jumped again. More spotlights popped on, revealing more house elves. One had a bass, two had electric guitars, and three female house elves in spangled red pillowcases looked like back-up singers. The drum solo resolved into a fast-paced beat, and the guitars began pumping out steady chords. Colored lights flashed. On the stool, the sorting hat bowed its conical "head," nodding almost imperceptibly to the beat. Ethan looked up at Dumbledore, wondering if this was some sort of joke, but the headmaster was discreetly shooting billowing clouds of fog out of his wand and didn't make eye contact. Ethan's eyes were drawn back to the stool as the hat began to sing.
"Ooooooooooooooo it's tiiiime for another yeeear" moaned the sorting hat as fog rolled past the stool and among the tables. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm suuuure you've heeaarrrd that theerrre's a loottt to feeear"
"Theeeeere's aaaaa loottt tooooo feeeear!" Crooned the back-up elves, waving their thin arms over their heads in perfect unison.
"Yeah YOU'RE NOT SAFE! NO, YOU'RE NOT SAFE! YOOOU COULD DIIIE DESPIIIITE THE FAAAACT YOU'RE - HEEEEEEEEEERE!!!" Several first years visibly paled as one of the back-up elves shook a tambourine.
"Cuz You-Know-Who is back! And he's not back to spread good will and cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!" The hat began cone-banging violently as one of the guitarists launched into an ear-splitting solo riff. 'Must not wince openly' Ethan thought to himself. Midway through a nearly successful attempt to play the instrument behind his head, the solo guitar elf hit a wrong note. The bass and drums plowed on regardless as the solo elf froze, looking horrified. Ethan watched in morbid fascination as the elf grabbed his guitar by the neck and began beating himself over the head with it as punishment, each blow punctuated by a yelp that was almost inaudible under the other instruments. The other guitar-playing elf quickly picked up where the first had left off, and if the sorting hat had noticed anything amiss, it didn't show it.
"There's four hoouses heeere allllll of themmm aliiiiike in diiiiiignityyyyyyy" the hat continued as McGonagall slunk into the band, bent double in a fruitless attempt to be discreet, and tried to wrestle the self-abusing elf's guitar away.
"And you allllll shall heeeear what they aaare aboooout from liiiittle meeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" The hat began hopping up and down on its stool as it essentially shouted the words, the band climbing into a crescendo so loud that some students quit pretending to enjoy themselves and clapped their hands over their ears. McGonagall grabbed the body of the guitar and tugged, digging in her heels. The elf clutched the neck in its spindly fingers and slammed its forehead against it so hard that the strings left little horizontal stripes in its skin. The blow left the house elf so addled that McGonagall was able to pry the guitar from his grasp and drag him offstage by the scruff if his neck.
"SLYTHERIN'S FOR YOU IF YOU ARE A BIG JERK! HUFFLEPUFF IS GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LIKE HARD WORK! RAVENCLAW IS ONLY FOR THE REALLY SMART! GRYFFINDOR'S THE HOUSE FOR THE BRAVE AT HEART! GRYFFINDOR! RAVENCLAW! HUFFLEPUFF! SLYTHERIN! SLYTHERIN! HUFFLEPUFF! RAVENCLAW! GRYFFINDOOOORRRRRRR! GRYFFINDOOOORRRRRRRRRR! GRYFFINDOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" The sorting hat stopped jumping and sat back, swaying limply as the drummer wailed away with his drumsticks, the other elves slammed away on their guitar and bass, respectively, and the back-up elves "oood" several octaves higher than "pleasant listening." After a few moments of painfully loud music, the band quieted dramatically and the hat slumped forward.
"So put me on your head and I'll tell you where you need to beeeeeeeeeeeeeee" the hat sang quietly. The guitarist strummed one final chord, and the drummer ran his stick down some wind chimes. And that, the students took several minutes to realize, was the end of the song.
There was a tentative clap or two as the lights rose, and then some scattered, disbelieving applause. Ethan's ears were ringing. McGonagall, having disposed of the elf, offered the sorting hat a small cup of water, which the macho hat refused.
"Well," the witch said after a moment, fishing a scroll out her pocket, "I shall call you forward by name for your sorting!"
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I know this may not be a good place to leave off, but I didn't want this to be a monster chapter, because then all of the other chapters would look short and you'd bother me about it. ;-)
Ann: Well, thanks! Yes, Cosmo is not appropriate reading material for young girls. Not hit YOU, though. ;-)
TheSiriusSparrow: Hehe, okay! Yeah, I saw a horse like that, once only instead of biting my horse as it passed, it missed and bit me. I had a huge bruise on my knee for months afterwards. Yay for Spanish, indeed!
FreakyKat: Hehehe, you aren't far off. ;-) Harry isn't going to be a happy camper.
Maura Labingi: Glad you like the whomping broom idea! I imagine you wouldn't like it as much in person. ;-)
Lynn: I find your e-mail highly amusing, hehe. Thanks muchly! Hope you liked this chapter as well!
morph: Hehehe I get a lot of people who read in public places, and they always scold me if I was funny enough to make them laugh out loud. :-P I'm not sure what that button does, either. I never got an e-mail or anything. From what I've been able to tell at 's main page, it's more like a statistical thing. If a story is highly recommended, they log that away somewhere for future reference, I guess. Maybe (and this is wishful thinking) a story that gets highly recommended a lot doesn't necessarily get booted when one person complains!
christy the badger: Badger props!!!!!!
Satara: More or less, I suppose he is. Hey, the main character has to have two cohorts, doesn't he? Yes he does! But I wouldn't say that Edward is the new Hermione that just sounds wrong.
Kay131: There's a "We Love Platy" association?? Awww! Hehe, that's awesome! Yeah, I figured it was about time I branched out. Glad you're enjoying this! And in the frenzy of autograph signing that the hat did after his little performance there, I managed to get a lighter signed! So here! (hands you a lighter that looks like a tiny magic wand) It's fun to say "lumos!" and flick it on over and over again. ;-) Enjoy!
Syth Colbalt: YAY! MORE SPIN-OFF GOODNESS!
Hirilnara: Happy much-belated birthday! (throws confetti) Yes, jobs bad updating, however, good. ;-)
Batgirl Beyond: Hehehe, everyone loves that violent broomstick thanks bunches!
Skimbleshanks, the Railway CAT: Not as funny as Legolass-hole, but it'll do. ;-) Yes, Cosmo (depending on my mood on the rare occasions when I read it) either makes me giggle really hard or makes me very sad. But it definitely is not for 11-year-old girls. Haha, I wouldn't want to place a bet I'm already deviating from it because the sorting song took longer than I anticipated. And, according to one of my PC-owning friends, to make that accent over the u, you have to hold down the control button and hit the apostrophe key, and then hit u. Does that makes sense? I wouldn't know. :-P Thanks muchly for the long review!! It made me happy! :-D
The Weaseling Dragon: Yes, sorry about that delay I was a bit quicker this time, right? It might be a while before the next one, though, as it has come to my attention that my things at platyfics haven't been touched since May.
Lady LifeCharm: Awww it's nice to know my efforts are appreciated! It was my policy back in my early days when I only got like three reviews per chapter and so now I have guilt if I stop. :-P But I'm really glad you're enjoying this fic! Hope you liked this chapter as well. I know I enjoyed writing it, hehehe.
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Yeah, Fawkes isn't very nice but no stew! Too many other people like him. ;-)
Phaidra: Well, it's not all planned out, but most of it is. And I have more of a general idea than I ever had before. :) Thanks!
The Fantastic Fangirls: Yay, glad you like it! And I did check your fic out briefly, but I was at work and didn't have time to get very far. Stupid work. Anyway, I'll go read it properly!
Witch of Darkness: No, it won't be hard at all, poor kid. Hehehehe. Thanks for the review!
Scap: Yay, a long review! Wow, you know someone who was in the first two movies??!! Awesome! I have no connections at all, hehehe. I know someone who knows Sean William Scott, but that's about it, hehehe. And I find it amusing that in book five, Harry just comes across as a little jerk! I mean, he's a teenager and he has hormonal issues, obviously, but still. Congrats on getting that diploma thingy! Woo! I hope you can get into the course itself! And no, I absolutely will NOT give you any hints as to his gender. The nerve!
Fuji the Hobbit: Oh no! Is it going to turn me into a mutant?? OO And Ruhún doesn't mean anything in particular; it isn't elvish or anything. I just thought it sounded a bit like a hoot, so I liked it. Much luv back!
Rachel the Insane Unicorn: I knew I shouldn't have given out dungbombs
QuirkyWriter: I suppose if Nicholas is named after anyone, it's the little boy in "The Others." But it may end up being shortened, as I am lazy. ;-) Ethan's just in denial, I think, hehehe. Poor kid. Thanks for the review; glad you like it!
Anamaria Elentari: Everyone who's anyone carries dungbombs around in their shoes! Yeah, Fawkes went a bit soft, I think. ;-) But hey, I wouldn't want the main character's death hanging over my head, either!
ShadowHeart6: I've changed a LOT of people's views on Fawkes, hehehe! Glad I made you see him in a different light.
Kathryn Bushore: Oh man, they never would have made it on board! :-P I shall, no worries there!
Meee: Maybe Dumbledore can't understand Fawkes. I mean, I've seen signs that Fawkes can understand Dumbledore, but that might just be because he is an exceptionally intelligent phoenix. ;-)
Vanyaria Darkshadow: Aww (hands you a tissue) I'm really glad you like it so much! And there you go again, flattering me terribly! I'm a bit behind, so you aren't going to hear about Ethan's classes until chapter nine but oh, what a chapter it will (hopefully) be! I also hope you liked the sorting hat song I thought it was terrible, but fun to write. ;-) (hugs) Thanks loads for the review heck, for ALL of your reviews! I look forward to getting them, as they tend to make my week, hehehe.
Ainu Laire: Well, I dunno if the DADA teacher will be funny but hopefully unexpected! And interesting it should be interesting. And Harry is in his sixth year, in case you missed the note up top. ;-)
Woo! 29 reviews! So you all get random HP merchandise signed by the sorting hat! Weehee!
-Platy
