First of all, much thanks to all of my WONDERFUL reviewers! You're all so nice and encouraging! Well, most of you are. Which is why I'm going ahead and writing this now I feel inspired, and I also feel like I kind of left you at a bad spot last time, hehe. It's like two halves of the same chapter!
And I don't own Harry Potter. And since I am lazy and forgetful, this will be the last time I mention it. I AM NOT THE RICHEST WOMAN IN ALL OF BRITAIN! Or close to richest, whichever she is
By the by, there is an obscure Poe reference in this chapter kudos to anyone who gets it. ;-)
[====]==============
Professor McGonagall unrolled her scroll with a flourish, making Ethan wince and think of paper-cuts. But if she had received any, she showed no sign of it. She looked critically over the roll for a moment, then announced in a loud, clear voice, "Andrews, Andrew!"
There were a few quiet snickers over the name as the tow-headed boy stepped forward, looking more than a little bit nervous. Ethan realized with a sinking feeling in his stomach that he would be one of the last names called. 'Damn it, why does my surname have to start with a w?' he grumbled mentally.
The sorting hat was lifted just high enough off of the stool for Andrew Andrews to take a seat. Then the hat was set down on the trembling boy's head, which it promptly obscured down to the neck, creating the bizarre illusion that the boy had had his head transfigured. The hat sat silently for a moment, considering, and then shouted, "HUFFLEPUFF!"
The Hufflepuff table erupted as a very pink Andrew Andrews staggered gratefully over and sat down. Nicholas leaned over to Ethan and murmured, "Hopefully that's where badger boy ends up as well." Ethan couldn't help snickering, though he did feel slightly bad for it immediately afterwards.
"Fairfax, Edward," however, was deemed Gryffindor material almost immediately. He bounced to the Gryffindor table amidst plenty of cheers, plopped down, and promptly started inspecting the plate in front of him as if trying to determine its value. He was gnawing lightly on the edge when Ethan turned away, shaking his head. He watched politely as "Garside, Ellie," was made a Ravenclaw, feeling his stomach churn with nervousness. What had Fawkes said to do? Threaten to burn the hat? That was it, wasn't it? He nibbled his lower lip as "Li, Annabelle," sat down on the stool and had the hat placed over her head.
Ethan blinked his eyes back into focus when he realized that the hat had been sitting on the girl's head for a solid minute without anything happening. Annabelle was shaking visibly as the hat just sat there, cone bowed as if deep in thought. The hall was dead silent except for a dry cough or two, and Annabelle's occasional whimpers. After another solid minute had passed, another sound permeated the silent hall: very quiet snoring. The hat, it seemed, had dozed off. McGonagall reached forward and poked it sharply.
"Whatgah?!" The hat started awake and straightened sharply, making everyone gasp. The front row of waiting first-years all took involuntary steps backwards, irritating those behind them. "Put her in the shrieking shack for all I oh. Uh" the hat coughed. "Um, Gryffindor!"
Annabelle Li practically ran to the Gryffindor table and sat down across from Edward, who offered her a fork as if it was a lollipop. He had at least three spoons protruding from his own mouth, which meant that he must have stolen at least one from another place setting. Ethan turned away once again; he didn't want to think about it.
After eight children in a row were placed in Slytherin (Ethan wasn't sure if they all honestly belonged there, or if the hat was just having a good time), "Timbrell, Nicholas!" was called forward. He was also sent to the Gryffindor table in short order. After clapping generously for his friend, Ethan looked around and realized that he was the only first-year left. 'Figures,' his brain muttered sullenly as the hall filled with whispers yet again.
"Williams, Eth-"
"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat bellowed before McGonagall could finish reading. The witch looked shocked for a moment, then walked up to the hat and whispered something to it that sounded unfriendly. Ethan distinctly heard the hat say, "I don't bloody care; I'm tired and I want a nap!" But eventually McGonagall won the hat over, and she beckoned Ethan to the stool.
Ethan sat down, trying to calm the butterflies in his stomach. McGonagall lifted the hat over his head.
"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat bellowed again, still hovering a good foot above Ethan's dark bronze, wavy hair.
"Wait until you're on his head," McGonagall hissed in a threatening tone of voice. She began to lower the hat as smoothly as she could, which wasn't all that smoothly as her hand was trembling with suppressed rage.
"GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!" the hat shouted over and over all the way down, as if he was being tortured for information and "Gryffindor" was all he knew. McGonagall continued to lower the hat stubbornly until it was resting on Ethan's head, obstructing the boy's vision. The hat paused for a moment. "HUFFLEPUFF!"
"What?!" the hall collectively gasped. There was an immediate uproar, sounding a bit muffled through the hat. Some girl from the Gryffindor table, perhaps Hermione, shouted, "But he's the main character!" If Ethan had been able to see at all, he would have seen Dumbledore start in his chair and McGonagall massage one temple wearily. He also would have seen the entire Hufflepuff table looking disgruntled.
"Well, Gryffindor wasn't bloody good enough for you, was it?!" the sorting hat snapped defensively over the incredulous babbling. "You know, it's only my ruddy job to sort all these snot-nosed brats! But nooo, I have to do it just right or I'm not taken seriously!"
"So, Gryffindor, then?" McGonagall snapped impatiently.
"Well, whatever suits you best!" the hat roared back, clearly in a very bad mood.
"Gryffindor it is!" McGonagall announced, snatching the hat irately off of Ethan's head. "Sit down, Williams, you're in Gryffindor," she explained, as if the boy hadn't heard the entire exchange.
"Okay," Ethan said, sliding off the stool and walking over to the table with legs that felt like Jell-O, hardly registering the thunderous applause and numerous, hearty thumps on the back. Or the way the entire Hufflepuff table slumped in disappointment, having lost the closest thing to Cedric Diggory they'd ever get for years to come.
"NO RESPECT!" The hat was bellowing as McGonagall attempted to stuff it in a laundry bag. "This is the sort of nonsense that gives me a wrinkle in my brim! USURPATION; that's what this is! Just take the only bloody job I have and undermine the hell out of it; I don't mind, I'm just a hat!" Before it could continue, McGonagall succeeded in shoving into the recesses of the bag, which she quickly tied shut and handed to a house-elf, who bundled it away.
"Well," Dumbledore stood up, his eyes doing their obligatory twinkling behind his half-moon glasses, "I would be hard put on to follow a performance like that." Cue laughter. Dumbledore smiled. "So, without further ado"
The students all gasped in surprised and admiration as the plates and platters magically filled with food. Edward coughed and nearly choked as the spoon he had been idly slurping on unexpectedly filled itself with custard, and Ethan had to thump him on the back a few times.
The spread was magnificent. Ethan was astonished at the number of things that somehow had baked beans incorporated into them was that baked bean pizza?! He decided he didn't want to know (which was fast become a pattern), and stuck to things he more or less recognized, or things that Nicholas recommended.
"It just isn't the same when it's cooked," Edward lamented as he poked at his wild rabbit.
"Oh, come off it," Nicholas mumbled, helping himself to some pumpkin juice. "No one here believes you were raised by badgers."
"Speciesist!" Edward accused. Nicholas rolled his eyes. Annabelle looked like she wished that she were sitting across from someone else.
"Thinking that you're full of it doesn't make me a speciesist, if that's even a word," Nicholas retorted.
"You have something against badgers!" Edward started his lower lip trembling, as if he were about to cry. "You hate me, just admit it!"
"Well, no problems there."
Ethan frowned down at his Shepherds Pie. It felt as if someone was watching him which he supposed was likely enough, him being the main character and all. But this was different. He looked around discreetly, wondering whom it was. As his eyes traveled up the Gryffindor table under the pretense of checking out the food, they ran unexpectedly into a pair of green ones framed by round, black glasses.
Harry Potter was staring at him! And - Ethan realized after the shock had worn off - the look he was receiving wasn't exactly friendly. It could have been described as calculating as best. But surely Harry didn't find Ethan threatening. I mean, it was like Ethan had always insisted - he had never asked for this, this main character thing. Harry would have to understand that. Heck, Ethan had almost allowed himself to hope that Harry would take him under his wing or something. But the chances of that now looked woefully slim.
Ethan's forkful of food dropped onto his plate with a clatter, startling him. He gratefully broke eye contact with Harry and apologized to Nicholas for splattering gravy on him.
"No trouble," Nicholas said, wiping it off with a napkin.
"It's okay," Edward said with understanding, "these opposable thumbs can be tricky."
[====]==============
Once the plates had been cleared and left as sparkling clean as they ever had been, Dumbledore stood up and said a few words. Ethan didn't catch them; he was frankly exhausted after a long day and wanted nothing more than to stagger into his bed and lose consciousness till morning. He stared blearily at his reflection in his plate until the two Hogwarts prefects - Ron and Hermione, he realized with a small start, stood up and called the first years forward.
"Come on, you lot," Ron said, trying to sound official. Hermione whacked his arm lightly, and he flinched. "What?"
"First years this way," Hermione took over, ignoring Ron as he rolled his eyes and rubbed his shoulder where she'd hit him. The crowd of Gryffindors followed them through the many winding passages of Hogwarts castle, Ethan generally avoiding eye contact. He didn't want to look up and find Harry glaring at him or something. The main character felt his stomach sink whenever he thought about that look he'd received earlier. He had accepted that he'd probably have some sort of arch nemesis, but he had hoped it wouldn't be The Boy Who Lived or should he say The Boy Who Loved the Limelight and Probably Resented Having It Taken Away. Ethan supposed that he was jumping to conclusions. In fact, he almost definitely was. He'd made eye contact for all of five seconds; any impressions he had received during that short time period didn't signify anything. Did it?
When Ethan trudged into the dormitory, he was pleased and surprised to see both Ruhún and Fawkes waiting there for him.
"Well, kid," Fawkes asked, stretching a wing idly, "how'd it go? Did Potter give you any trouble? Just say the word and I'll crap in that punk's mouth while he's sleeping." Ruhún looked as if he didn't think pooping in anyone's mouth a polite thing to do. Ethan was glad the owl hadn't been completely corrupted not to mention glad that he had made it safely to Hogwarts without becoming squid munchies. The boy climbed gratefully onto his bed, allowing Ruhún to perch on his knee while Fawkes stuck to the windowsill.
Edward immediately launched into a long tangent about owl eggs versus pheasant eggs as a meal. Ruhún watched the boy with wide eyes, ruffling his feathers in distaste. Ethan sighed and turned to Fawkes. "It went fine there was a bit of an uproar when the hat sarcastically tried to put me in Hufflepuff, but other than that, it went fine."
"Are you talking to that bird?" Edward asked in disbelief.
"Yes, I'm a parrotmouth," Ethan replied, managing to keep his voice even when he really wanted to snap impatiently. He turned back to Fawkes. "The food was great."
"Well, of course it was; it was the opening feast!" Fawkes coughed a few times, almost delicately compared to his earlier hacking fits. "Just wait till the school year starts up properly they'll put back every single one of the stops they pulled, believe me."
Ruhún looked at Edward nervously. "Does that boy really eat owls?"
"No," Ethan assured the barred owl. "That's Edward, and he's full of it, and he follows me around for some unknown reason." Ethan smothered a yawn.
"It's your main-character magnetism," Fawkes said with a rather nasty chuckle.
"Or my animal magnetism, if anything Edward has said is remotely true which I doubt." Ethan's next yawn went unsmothered. Ruhún took the hint and flapped over to the top of a tall dresser. Ethan sleepily changed into his pajamas, only half-listening to Fawkes' next question.
"I said," Fawkes repeated grumpily, "Anything happen with Harry?"
Ethan paused, considering whether or not it would be best to tell Fawkes he'd gotten an unfriendly look. But the phoenix was surprisingly perceptive; or maybe Ethan was a miserable liar when he was tired.
"Say no more, kid. I'll burn that little bogey in his bedsheets!"
"You really don't have to do that," Ethan protested tiredly. "He only looked at me a bit funny is all. I was probably only imagining it."
"Whenever the main character says they probably only imagined something, it means that it absolutely happened," Fawkes shot back. "But I'll refrain from killing the kid if you insist."
"I do insist," Ethan said, nodding goodnight to Nicholas and pulling the curtains around his four-post bed. "Have a good night, Fawkes. You too, Ruhún."
"I plan on having a productive night," Fawkes said shiftily, but Ethan had already fallen asleep, and didn't hear him.
[====]==============
Well, there you all go! Next chapter is Ethan's first day of classes when we find out who the mysterious DADA teacher is! Dun dun DUNNNNN!!!
Syth Colbalt: Um wow. That has to be the most negative review I've ever received. In fact, that is the only negative review I have ever received, so thanks for that. I'm sorry you didn't like the last chapter, but I doubt any major changes will be made, since you're the only one who was at all displeased with it. Everyone else seems to have greatly enjoyed my "awful, forced, stupid tripe." Doesn't that beat all. Personally, I had an absolute blast writing the sorting hat's new song and am not about to change it because of a single reviewer's complaints. This is my story, take it or leave it. I'm not going to claim that the last chapter was perfect, but I wouldn't have posted anything that I thought the readers would dislike, or that I wasn't at least satisfied with. Well, I hope you liked this one, anyway. And if you didn't, I hope you will at least be a bit more polite about it. I can take constructive criticism, but that was just insulting and wholly unnecessary.
Kathryn Bushore: I think I reminded everyone of that website, haha! I liked that elf, too.
Skimbleshanks, the Railway CAT: Yeah, can be fickle like that. If it helps at all, as the fic moves on it will probably be shortened to "Ed" or "Eddie," which I think would make things a bit easier. Maybe not. :-P I like grasshoppers. And I kinda doubt that they will though someone, I think Spoofmaster, had an interesting idea of everyone sending in really good bits from their chat fics, so the mods would realize what they're missing out on.
morph: Hehe, I loved writing it! I actually cackled aloud as I typed, which doesn't happen too often.
Witch of Darkness: Hehehe, glad you liked it! And the sorting hat displays more attitude this chapter, bwaha!
christy the badger: Darn right they are!
FreakyKat: Hehehehe that line makes me giggle as well. What a way to freak out the newbies! ;-) And it would be hard to kick Harry's butt if he was sixteen and you were only eleven. But interesting things are going to develop with Ethan and Harry you'll see what I mean.
The Weaseling Dragon: Aww, I'm not all that. (blushes) But I can hear that sorting song in my head, and it isn't pretty. The kind of music I generally avoid, haha! Thanks bunches!
Black Jaguar12: Yay! If I were in an empty house, I'd be singing it up, too! Glad you liked the lyrics; thanks!!
purplestainedglass: Awww Thanks!
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: I love how your reviews have nothing to do with the chapter, hehehehe. What happens at band camp, stays at band camp. ;-)
Vanyaria Darkshadow: Your reviews always make me so happy! They make me want to fly out to New Zealand and hug you! (Yeah, I checked out your web page I was curious about the insanely nice reviewer!) And his story will probably change Edward enjoys pulling things out of his ass for the shock value. ;-) Yay, I'm JKR on drugs! (cackles) 'Secret burning passion'??!! (cracks up) Yes, that's exactly it. You saw right through the arguments to the sexual tension bubbling beneath the surface. :-P Good for you! Thanks for the small children I'll put them to work in the mines right away. Or maybe I'll just raise them to be EVIL. So many options; they're so impressionable ;-)
Phaidra: I don't think I've seen Bananaphone, but that is because my comp is a Mac and I haven't been able to successfully install Flash player. And the folks at our campus helpdesk aren't much help because this is such a PC school. Oh well. Glad you liked the chapter!
Satara: HAHA, crowd surfing! He's so tiny, he'd just get passed awkwardly from person to person. ;-) There's nothing wrong with being unghetto, really. I'M unghetto it's just makes it all the more comical when you attempt to BE ghetto. Like me naming my stuffed platypus Shizzle. It looked like a Shizzle.
Ember the angry Firedrake: You've met her? Wow I'm jealous. I love that character, haha. "I've never liked your spinach puffs!"
Hirilnara: Oooh, you've found me out now you must be killed. Not really, hee like I would want that! I dunno if I'm organized enough to have a ploy, to be perfectly honest. I more just take an idea and run with it. And HUZZAH for you updating!
Meee: Hehe, I updated! Glad you liked the last chapter!
anya: Yep, the sorting hat has attitude now. Hehehe I think Edward is going to get on EVERYONE'S nerves it's going to be interesting when they have Potions class with Snape
Ainu Laire: Erm no to all of those guesses, sorry. Hehehe, Dobby teaching a class would be interesting. He'd probably be surprised when students didn't literally kick themselves for failing quizzes.
Fuji the Hobbit: Oooh, otters are nice as well. Otters! I'm not really familiar with any anime, hehe never got into it. Glad you liked the song; I had a blast writing it! Hope you rode out that sugar high all right, hehehe. Thanks!
Spoofmaster: Woo, fanart! If you ever do any, let me know! I did a character sketch myself it's pinned to my bulletin board for inspiration, as are Ethan and Nicholas. It would be interesting to see if you drew something similar to what I have. ;-)
Kato Shingetsu: Maybe! That would be an odd twist, hehe.
Maura Labingi: People keep taking the sorting hat! Hehehe! Yeah, I think I'm going to have some fun writing about how the professors are reacting to their sudden fame.
Thanks all for the reviews! Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Hogwarts silverware for everyone! (flings silverware into the crowd, but not knives! Knives are passed out carefully. One must always be careful with knives and other things that could cause injury. And brush your teeth and look both ways before crossing the street, and never lend money to a man wearing no pants in January!)
-Platy
