Paralyzed

Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable

A/N - Special thanks to Rica and Jessi!

Chapter 4

Sara couldn't speak- or maybe she could- but nothing audible was coming out of her mouth.

Mike thanked the receptionist for her help and led Sara back to his office by gently grabbing her by the elbow. It actually surprised Sara that she didn't jump; she rarely let anyone touch her, let alone a man. Somehow, she felt comfortable with Mike even though she had just met him.

Sara sat down shaking her head. She couldn't come here and leave empty handed. No, not now, not after everything she'd sacrificed to get here.

Mike let her stew with her thoughts before speaking. "Sara, I guess I should formally introduce myself. I am Mike Sampson, director of the Bay Area Children Services Division," reaching over he handed her his business card.

She stared down at the business card as if it held the keys to her past; of course it didn't, but anything to avoid making eye contact.

"Can you explain to me what you are looking for?"

Sara cleared her throat making sure he voice would work, "When I was a kid I was in the system- for a while."

"Can I ask why you were in the system and when?"

"Mid eighties. First time was temporary. I was in while my mother recovered from a severe beating by the hand of my father. The second time" Sara tried to compose herself, but talking and choking back tears wasn't working.

Mike stood and came around the desk taking the seat next to Sara's. He reached over and took her hand. "It's ok Sara. Nothing is going to shock me. Go on, maybe I can help."

She nodded, "The second time was permanent. My mother killed my father. I guess the abuse was too much."

"I'm sorry Sara. How old were you?"

"When the abuse started? Or when she finally killed him?" Sara asked incredulously with a harsh laugh.

Mike continued to hold her hand. It was funny how natural it felt speaking to Mike. Something she was definitely unaccustomed to. "It started as early as I remember and I made it to the system when I was 10."

"That's a lot to handle for a child. How are you today?

"Do you want the Cinderella story?" She asked almost amused at herself.

Mike nervously shifted in his seat before his urging her to continue.

"I graduated high school at 16 followed by full honors at Harvard. I'm now a CSI working for the LAPD in Vegas. By all accounts I'm great."

Mike gave her hand a squeeze, "Somehow that is not all I see."

She lowered her head, "On paper I'm a statistic of success but my heartfeels like I'm dying."

For a man of many words, the brunette sitting before him stumped him. "After all this time Sara, what are you looking for?"

"You promise not to think I'm totally nuts?" Sara asked, one side of her mouth twisted up in a wry grin.

"I'll do my best Sara," his warm smile encouraging her to continue.

Sara looked up and locked her eyes with his. "When I was taken into foster care, there was a woman. She came to my house, she packed my bag and she brought me here. For a few nights I stayed with her until they found me home. I can't remember her name. I need to remember her name."

Mike shook his head, "Can you tell me more about her? We may not have records, but my Mom worked here for thirty years, she may remember her."

Sara described her as best as she could, never thinking it would get here anywhere.

With one last squeeze Mike let go of Sara's hand and went back to his desk. "Give me a minute, ok?" Mike picked up the phone and dialed.

While he shared pleasantries with the person on the other end of the phone, Sara composed herself.

"Mom, hi, this is Mike. I need you to think back to the early eighties. Was there a woman who worked with you who had red hair, was very tall and a southern accent?"

Mike listened for a few minutes before speaking again. "Oh yes, I remember her, thanks Mom."

Mike put down the phone. "I'm going to date myself here, but I thought I remembered the woman you were describing. When I was at college mom told me about her new, fun co-worker. She talked a lot about her, seems she wasn't all beaten down over the job yet. Her name was Mae Donaldson."

The light in Sara's brain erupted, Mae Donaldson. She closed here eyes, Mae. How could she have forgotten her name? Another set of memories flooded her and she flinched at the pain.

1983

"Sara, my name is Mae Donaldson. Sara, do you know what is going on here?"

Sara didn't even flinch staring out the window. "Why is your name 'Mae' if it is only March"

Even back then she always rationalized everything.

XXX

"Sara? Are you ok?" Mike looked worried.

Sara smiled, "Actually, yes I am. It may sound crazy to you but I needed to remember her name, she made me feel comfortable."

Before he could answer Sara's phone rang. She looked down at the caller ID, it was Grissom. She closed the phone and put it in her pocket. She wasn't ready to deal with her present life.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help to you Sara. It is just impossible to keep documentation on site for 25 years. I'm sure we have your file in archives."

"Mike, you've been more help than you can imagine, thank you."

"Can I ask what you are going to do now? Are you going back to Vegas? I don't mean to pry, but you said some heavy things this morning. Are you going to be ok?"

"I think I will be ok. I just reached a roadblock in my life and both forks led to dead ends. But, one step at a time, one day at a time. I haven't spoken to my mother in 20 years. At first I hated what she did and then I loved what she did. When I finally went to see her after she had been in prison for five years she didn't want to see me. My choice was made. I left California and never looked back."

"It must have been hard Sara, growing up without a family."

Mike knew he hit a nerve with that as Sara outwardly cringed.

"There was no family in my life. Love was not patient or kind at my house, it was hell. The fights, the beatings, anything was better than that. Foster care seemed like a dream at the time."

"You seem ok now Sara, good job. Do you have a family of your own?"

"No. Do you want to hear about my life? Here goes. I chose my career because of a man I considered to be a mentor. I came to Vegas at his request. I worked side by side with him for years, loving him from afar. Every time we got close, he ran. I accepted it. Why? Because honestly, who would love me?"

Mike moved back next to Sara softly holding her hand in his. "Go on".

"I barely sleep; I help convict murderers and felons and put them away. Great stuff, eh? Well, let me also mention how I watch women get buried every day because they were too afraid to fight their abusers and there is nothing I can do about it. What is better? Not fighting back or murder? I can't seem to decide."

Sara wondered why she was laying her life on the line to a stranger, but it felt good

"I was having problems coping with it all so I started drinking. I then almost got arrested for DUI. Oh, I forgot, in between there I found out the man I love loves me, but not enough to ruin his career over. So again I love from afar. Topping it all off I got myself suspended. After getting bailed out I return to work to find out the man I love thought his career was worth ruining, but only for someone else," she ended with a strangled sob, dropping her head in defeat, her shoulders shaking.

Mike sighed. "Life hasn't been easy Sara, has it?"

She nodded, agreeing but not accepting.

"You know what? You are still here Sara. You are alive and beautiful. Despite it all you have conquered hell. You have two choices; fight or fall. You have to choose. How old are you? 35? You are still young, start today like it is the first day of the rest of your life. If not, it will eat you up."

On cue her phone rang again, Sara looked down, it was Grissom. She had two choices, fight or fall.

She chose to fight.

"Sidle."

TBC -Reviews are free, and easy! Thanks! I'm not sure if I should continue.