Paralyzed
Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable
A/N- Thanks for the reviews! Special thanks to Rica!
Chapter 5
"Sara? Sara, are you there?" Grissom's worry was quickly turning into sheer panic.
"I'm here."
Grissom closed his eyes and silently thanked God. "Sara, where are you?"
Sara looked over at Mike. He was gazing at her trying to judge Sara's reaction to the phone call. No doubt she was tense, hell any time Grissom called her made tense, good or bad.
Sara stood walking over to the window. "I'm not in Vegas, Grissom."
"I know, Sara. Where are you?"
"I'm where I need to be. That is all you need to know."
"Sara, please. I need to explain a few things-" his attempt at further explanation was cut short by Sara's quick response.
"Right now is about me Grissom, not about you. Frankly I've wasted a lot of time on this 'us' that did or didn't exist."
Sara wasn't sure where her full-fledged anger spawned from, but the sound of his blubbering voice made her angry. Two weeks ago she would have welcomed Grissom's concern with open arms, but now it plain hurt. He was the first person she has ever fully opened up to, and for one day in her thirty five year existence the painful memories didn't hurt. By the simple grasping of her hand Grissom eased her pain, even if for just a night.
Funny how that comfort with him could be changed in a matter of seconds. She outwardly cringed when she remembered Sofia's words.
'Actually, yes I did, Gil and I had dinner last night. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it goes. You'll probably see him dragging his ass too. I don't think either one of us is used to being up so late, or early, however you look at it.'
Sara's brief trip down memory lane was ended when a still panicked Grissom spoke again.
"Will you at least let me explain?"
His voice was so soft yet it ripped through Sara's core. Sara's entire body began to shake and Mike was getting concerned. He stood to approach her but was waved off. Taking the lead, he quietly exited the room.
Truth be told, it wasn't about Grissom any longer. It was about Sara. It was about taking back her life. There would be no explanation that could fully explain Grissom taking Sofia out. Whatever he said at this point would always be doubted, and doubt didn't work with Sara Sidle, not ever.
"It wasn't a date, Sara. It was nothing more than dinner with a friend. At least that is how I saw it."
Her voice froze. If it was noting more than dinner why did he say 'no' to her. Why is it always easier with others? She knew about Teri Miller and Lady Heather, but she also knew about every dinner he had with Warrick, Nick or Catherine. Why was it only her that he avoided at all cost? Why did everything have to be so complicated?
"Grissom, come on. It was more than that and you know it. It was time you spent outside the office with someone you knew for what- six months?"
"Sara, Sofia resigned. We were talking shop. I was trying to talk her out of it. Hell, she almost lost her job for me and I at least wanted to try to help her. We got to talking about Ecklie and how the job has changed. It was nothing more than a lab bitch-fest."
"It's not so much that you went out with Sofia, it is why you did. Five long years and you never confided in me, ever. Do you know how many times I yearned to ask you if you were alright after a long case? Me, the person who knows you longer than anyone, and did you ever once lean on me ? I'm not a person who requires a lot Gris. Some people even consider me a friend, but at times you make me feel like a complete stranger."
Grissom was now pacing the length of his townhouse. He needed to reach Sara and he needed to look into her eyes. "Sara, I can't make you believe how sorry I am over the phone, can you please tell me where you are?" He pleaded with her, but deep down he knew her answer.
"For once in my life I am alright with doing this on my own. It's something I need to do. Trust me, I'm not drunk and I'm not doing anything stupid."
"I wish I could be there for you Sara, I just want you to know that, you do know that right?"
Sara closed her eyes wishing she could believe him. She needed to believe him, but her heart was another story. It had been broken far too many times by him. It would take more than words; it would take actions and they were Grissom's short fall.
"A friend just gave me a very good piece of advice, fight or fall. If you want me Grissom you are going to have to fight."
Slowly his breathing started again, "I'm done falling Sara. I want to fight, I need to fight."
"That's good Grissom, because I'm counting on it."
There was a few seconds of silence, each taking time to reflect on their brief conversation. It was amazing how much they communicated in so little time. Sara once told him 'It's easy to wear your heart on your sleeve when you're not looking in his eyes,' and it was true.
"Grissom, it's time for action, you do understand that, right?"
"Sara, you've always had my heart and my soul, now I want to give you all of me. Do what you need to do now, but promise to come back, please." Grissom was sure his heart stopped beating waiting for her reply.
"Right now I'm taking things one day at a time. That is all I can promise. I'd like to say I'll come back, but time will tell." Vague? Yes, but Sara wasn't into making any promises, even though her heart told her otherwise.
"Promise me if you need me you will call. I'll be there as soon as I can." Grissom tried to hide the disappointment in his voice but he knew part of her reasoning was due to his issues. He would change, he had to change. He never really thought how simple lunches or dinners with other team members would hurt Sara. Truthfully, he never even realized he was alienating her. Could he really never have taken her out for a meal? Sometimes it was hard to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Yes, he would try harder. His lack of actions, both on being a manager and friend, already cost him his team, he couldn't lose Sara as well.
After another poignant moment of silence, Sara continued. "Grissom, I better go. I'm in the middle of something."
"Do you know how long you will be gone?" Grissom closed his eyes preparing for the worst. Three months to indefinite. The thought of indefinite made Grissom's stomach turn.
"Hard to say, I've only been gone a week. I think for me to be able to come back and effectively do my job within emotional guidelines, I have to face a few truths. I still want to find my mother. I need to know why she did what she did. Every abuse victim I have ever dealt with as a CSI had me wondering why? If I solved just one more case I'd figure why she did it. Obviously, it never worked. I need to face her once and for all."
"I understand." It would be something he'd need to know also. "Can I call you Sara? Please?"
Sara smiled and she didn't know why. "I'd like that."
Sara exhaled. "Bye Grissom"
"Sara, never say goodbye, ever. Say I'll talk to you later. I can't handle goodbye."
"Ok, I'll talk to you later Grissom."
"Ok, later."
Despite the conversation ending, Sara left the phone pressed to her ear, not quite ready to let the connection with Grissom go. The silence on the other end was almost deafening; that is, until she heard him speak again. His voice was barely a whisper, but she heard it just the same.
"Sara, I love you."
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