Paralyzed
Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable
A/N - Special thanks to Rica for her encouragement and Beta skills. Thanks for the reviews, they mean a lot!
Chapter 6
'Sara, I love you.'
Sara couldn't believe what she heard. She went with the first instinct that came to her mind, she hung up the phone.
Grissom was glad he was sitting when he heard the click or he would have fallen over with a loud thud. For years he uttered his thoughts aloud to Sara and he had no idea where they came from. His heart perhaps? Possibly, but that part of his heart had been dead for years; in fact, today was the first time he actually admitted it to himself. He loved her.
Sara had little time to ponder what had just happened as Mike walked back into the room. He strolled back to his desk while keeping his eyes locked to Sara. "Are you ok?"
Without really taking in the question Sara nodded her head yes. It just comes natural to say she is ok, even if she really isn't.
Mike wasn't buying it as his face of doubt spoke volumes. The careful tilt of his head mixed with the raising of his brows told Sara he wasn't buying it.
"That was my boss. He was checking to see if I was ok." Yeah, Grissom is my boss. He is also the man of my dreams who just declared his love to me.
Mike chortled. "It sounded a bit more than that."
"It's complicated. We have been friends for years, although he's only really known the genuine 'me' for a couple of weeks. In fact, he's the only person who knows about my past."
Mike accepted the answer. "What are you going to do now?"
"I need a few days to think about my 'life'. Then, I think I am going to visit my Mom. She is at Central California Women's Facility. By my calculation, she should be getting out soon." Sara was lost in thought. So much had transpired in the last few weeks. A lot for even a normal person to handle, and Sara thought herself far from 'normal.'
Mike reached over to his desk and picked up a business cared. He handed one to Sara, "Here, if you need anything call, ok?"
With a timid smile, Sara took the card out of his hand, "Thanks, for everything."
Sara left the building and walked out into the bright sunshine. She looked down at her watch and was shocked to see it was almost 1 pm. She was surprised how long she had been in there. As Sara was deciding what to do her stomach answered for her with a loud grumble.
Sara wanted to ignore the pesky feeling in her stomach. She was always the person who needed instant gratification. Her healing was a three step process. Step one was complete with the name of the woman who took her to Foster care. The next step in her campaign was confronting her mother. The third step was still hard to comprehend; fighting for love, fighting for Grissom.
She decided on grabbing a quick fruit smoothie and headed back to hotel. Seeing her mother would have to wait. Although she wanted answers now, she also needed to be prepared for seeing her. The day had warmed up enough for Sara to enjoy the heated outdoor pool at her hotel. Sitting by the side of the pool with her I-Pod on, Sara felt relaxed, almost. She would allow a few hours of this and then the she needed to get back to planning the visit with her mother.
Waking up with a shiver, Sara looked down at her watch and saw it almost five. She must have fallen asleep. She gathered her gear and headed to take a shower. She was almost at her room when she heard her phone ringing. She quickly put her card key in the lock and opened the door.
"Hello."
After a brief silence Sara heard the voice on the other end. It was Grissom. Sara jumped, remembering the last words he spoke to her. Did he know she heard him? No, he couldn't. Play it cool Sara. Don't let him know you heard him just yet.
"Hi, I …had a question on a case, if you have a minute." He was dying. The sweat was trickling down his face. He could have sworn he heard her hang up before he declared his love, but when he heard the loud click he knew. Maybe the phone was in her hand, by her side. Or maybe it was at her ear. Well, she didn't hang up yet, that's a good sign, right?
"Sure, let me put my bag down." Grissom had a question on a case? Sara wasn't working any case before she left.
"Ok, what's up?"
"Do you remember the Stafman case; the one where they found a gun used in the drive by under the car seat?"
"Yeah, last month worked on it with Greg, why?"
Think Grissom think. "I um, can't find the file, Ecklie must be reviewing it. Do you remember the color of carpet fiber it was, and type of car?
"Sure, red Tri-lobe and the car was a 2003 Ford Escape."
"Good, thanks. The DA is asking a few questions." He was happy she didn't suspect his excuse to call. Well, if she did she didn't sound like she knew, or cared.
Sara walked to the bathroom and started to take her bathing suit off. It was chilly and she needed a shower. She pinned the phone between here ear and shoulder and let out a few grunts along the way.
Grissom tried to decipher the sounds coming from the other end, "Sara, what are you doing?"
"Hold on a second." Sara finished shedding her suit and wrapped a towel around her. "I was cold and needed to get out of my swim suit."
Grissom wanted to smack his head, she just did what? "You're busy, I'll let you go. Thanks for the information on the case."
"It's no problem Gris; you don't have to hang up." Please, I could use a friendly voice.
He wanted to say more, but wanted to avoid crossing the line between being a friend and prying. He tried to strike the image from his mind of Sara sitting on the other end of the phone in a towel. It wasn't working. The throbbing was evident as he looked down at his lap. Sara…naked in a towel.
Grissom opted to do what he did best; he played middle ground, as always. "Doing anything exciting tomorrow?"
Sara laughed, "Depends on your definition of 'exciting.'"
Grissom wasn't sure how she wanted him to answer her. "You can talk to me about it if you want."
Sara knew Grissom was uncomfortable. She also knew he was trying, and since she wanted her life less complicated, she was going to try too. "I'm not sure. I plan on seeing my mother at some point, but I need to build up to that. I'll probably relax for a few days, exercise, maybe read a book."
It sounded like heaven to Grissom. Not just the leisurely activities but who he could share them with, if he hadn't screwed up his life so bad.
Grissom heard a knock at his door. He looked up and saw Sofia standing there. He exhaled loudly before he put his hand up to halt her from coming in his office. He put his hand over the phone and told her he'd come find her when he was done.
"Look, it's pretty busy here, I better go." The last thing Sara needed was to hear Sofia's voice. He knew they were treading in deep water and didn't need the Titanic running them over.
"Thanks for calling Grissom, it means a lot."
He smiled. Almost an unnatural occurrence, one he was certainly not used to. "I'm going to call again, maybe tomorrow, if that's alright with you. Let me know when you are going to see your mom."
It was Sara's turn to smile, "I will, talk to you later."
"Good night Sara,"
Sara sat and cradled the phone in her hand. It was nice to have someone care, even if it was Grissom. Trusting him would take some time and it would require both of them to work at that.
XXX
For four days Sara 'relaxed.' It felt good for a day or two. But by the third day, she was almost stir-crazy. Save for the lunch she had with Mike, she hadn't spoken to another human being in 48 hours. She should never have expected Grissom to call when he said he would, but she did. Her heart always got her in trouble. She should go back to not feeling, it didn't hurt as much.
Grissom meant to call, really, but work got in the way. He had been up for nearly 60 hours trying to find the murderer who snuffed the life out of an entire family. A mother, father, a four year-old and a two year-old all dead for no reason. They had nothing, not a stitch of evidence. It was killing Grissom and he couldn't do anything about it. Truthfully he wanted to call Sara, but she didn't need to be burdened with the exact thing she ran away from. So he did what he did best, he bottled it inside and did not speak to anyone, not even Sara.
Tomorrow was Friday and Sara decided it was time. She called the penitentiary where her mother was and scheduled a visit for the next day. She really had no idea what she was going to say to her, but it was time. She needed a clean break from it all. She phoned Mike and told him about her trip the next day. He wished her the best and it meant a lot, but it wasn't the same. He wasn't Grissom.
XXXX
The next morning, Sara woke with a start. She showered, dressed and was on her way by 8am. She wanted to get there early, or she was afraid she would miss her appointment. She wasn't sure which it was. She arrived an hour before she was due and sat in her car and with a quick shake of her head, she looked at the site before her. There was barbed wire fencing at least 20 feet tall surrounding an old castle looking complex. Hard to believe Sara had grown up, studied at Harvard, and was in the middle of a pretty good career all while her mother lived here. She shook her head once again before exiting the car. She walked up to the main gate.
"Hi, I'm Sara Sidle and I'm here to see Laura Sidle, I have an appointment."
The processing took 30 minutes, and by the time her appointment approached, she sat nervously in the visitor's area.
Sara looked up in time to see a woman approach. No denying who it was; Sara felt as if she were looking in the mirror. Her mother looked her age, with chocolate brown hair. Her face and bone structure the same, her sad eyes dead on.
The woman walked straight over to Sara and put her arms around her, tight.
Sara didn't move. She didn't even flinch. This was her mother and she sat perfectly erect, not even attempting to embrace the woman who gave her life.
Incredulously Laura asked, "Sara, after all of these years, what brings you here?"
Sara paused, "In all honesty? I don't really know. Can't we just catch up first?"
Laura smirked, "I have all the time in the world Sara." Laura searched the eyes of Sara only to find sad eyes looking back at her. "Tell me about yourself, please."
Sara dared not talk about her time in foster care, but rather started with Harvard. She told her of her studies, her job in San Francisco and now her job in Vegas. Her mom sat back and had the look of a proud mother on her face.
"Law enforcement? What would possess you to do that?"
"I'm a criminalist not a police officer. I use science to convict felons, murderers."
Sara watched as her mother outwardly flinched. Murderers.
Sara shook her head apologetically, "Sorry –"
"Are you happy Sara? You look sad, almost lost."
"I have my days. Sometimes I think everything is ok, then there are times I'm a mess. I guess that is why I'm here. I'm at a turning point in my life and I need some answers."
"You want to know why I did it, don't you." Laura leaned forward, trying to assess her daughter.
"I think I need to know why, part of me blames dad, part blames me, and sometimes I blame you. I need to get it straight in my head." Sara tried to keep her voice even, but it was cracking.
"Why that day? Why, after all those years of living in fear…in pain, did you do it then?"
Laura visibly stiffened. Her inner self was torn, truth or tale. No, her daughter needed, deserved the truth. "He came home again smelling of a woman. I questioned him on it and he got mad, really mad. He slapped me and threw me on the bed."
"Didn't that happen often? What changed about that day?"
"He said he was going to find himself a 'real' woman."
Sara laughed, nervously. "I assume he didn't consider you a real woman after 14 years?"
"Apparently not, he was doing it all the time."
"So why then?"
"After he slapped me around good I heard him mutter…I heard him mutter he was going to get him some real woman."
"Yeah, par for the course though, wasn't it?"
"He turned and was walking towards your room Sara." Laura's voice was barely above a whisper as she continued, "He wanted to make you a woman. I wouldn't let him touch you."
TBC- Please let me know what you think!
