Paralyzed
Spoilers: Post Nesting Dolls, Post Unbearable
Chapter 7
'He turned and was walking towards your room Sara.' Laura's voice was barely above a whisper as she continued, 'He wanted to make you a woman. I wouldn't let him touch you.'
Sara was paralyzed. All of these years, Sara blamed her mother for killing her father and turning her life up-side-down. She couldn't even think how wrong she had been. Her mom did it for her. Sara closed her eyes. She couldn't look at her mother, she must hate me.
Laura reached over and lightly placed her hand on Sara's clenched fist. "A mother's love is unconditional Sara; don't even think twice about it. I didn't."
"All of these years, why…?" Sara's voice was quivering.
"Why didn't I tell you?" Laura nervously laughed, "He was a bad man Sara, if I had stopped him years before it never would have come down to it."
"I blamed you, I held you responsible for taking Dad away. I blamed you for my crappy life. If only I'd have known why..." Sara looked up and stared deep into her mother's soul, "Can you forgive me, ever?"
"There is no need for forgiveness. I'm ok, really. I've made myself the best life I can here. I'm the librarian, I help the 'newbie's' adjust, and I'm getting out in six months."
"Really?"
Laura shook her head. "My life is starting over again and so can we, if you like."
"I'd like that."
They were both lost for words. It was a lot to adjust on both ends. Sara had a mother, and Laura had a daughter. After a few minutes an awkward silence ensued and Sara said she needed to get back.
"Can I visit you again?"
"No. I'll be out soon, next time I'd like to visit you."
"I'd like that."
When Laura looked at her daughter, she saw anguish. A mother always knows when their child is hurting. "Do you have a family?"
Looking away as if embarrassed Sara answered in the faintest of voices, "no."
"Is there anyone special in your life?"
"There is someone, but it's complicated. We met a long time ago and have been friends for years. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with him. I thought he felt something and I asked him out once but it didn't work out. I pretty much gave, up figuring I didn't deserve to be happy."
The sorrowful confidence of Sara's words scared Laura to the core. She forcefully grabbed Sara's hand, "You listen to me Sara Sidle. You deserve to be happy. Sure life sucked at times, doesn't mean you can't be happy, do you understand me?"
Sara shook her head, "sure."
"Does this man care for you?"
"I thought so-."
"You thought so? You have to know so. Has he ever told you how he feels?"
"He's the type of man who speaks more in actions than in words. He uses his eyes to warm my heart, he uses his hands to steady me when I'm weak, and his mere presence makes my sun rise."
"Sara, is that enough?"
"It used to be, but I guess now I need more." Sara rubbed her eyes; her head was beginning to throb.
"He's the only person whom I've told about our family."
"He didn't run?" Laura snickered but was curious none the less.
"He was actually very supportive. One thing we do well is not judging each other. I think we know and accept each others faults."
"You love him Sara, don't you?"
Sara didn't really need to think of her reaction, but hesitated out of normal self preservation. If she admitted to anyone her love for Grissom, it would hurt more if it didn't happen. It was easier to love in her mind, that way she was always loved back. It wasn't a normal way to view love, but Sara really never knew of love, nor had she ever remember being loved. "I've loved him for a long time."
Laura squeezed Sara's hand showing support. "Any man should be happy to have your love, even if he doesn't feel the same."
"The thing is I think he feels the same. I heard him say so. Maybe he loves me but doesn't know how to love the 'real' me. Maybe I have no idea what it feels like."
"Believe me Sara, you will know. The first time he holds you in his arms to take the pain away. The first time he kisses you and you feel like you will explode. When you make love and you don't know where he ends and you begin."
Sara didn't flinch; in fact her breathing had almost stopped as she realized she had never felt that way. Not with Hank, nor with any other boyfriend. She knew it could be like that with Grissom. Hell, his touch alone sparked flames inside her. Yes, she needed more. She deserved more. It wasn't enough to take those feelings to a lonely bed every night.
Sara was brought back to reality when a voice came over the loud speaker advising visiting hours were over.
Before Sara left she needed one more answer. "Mom, if you loved Dad that much, how did it turn out the way it did?"
"I never said it was your father that made me feel that way. I just settled for the wrong man." It was now Laura's turn to reminisce. "Can you promise me you won't make the same mistake?"
"I'm trying Mom, really."
The siren sounded and Sara stood to leave. "Will you call me when you get out of here?"
Laura smiled, "I'd like that."
Sara turned to leave when she was stopped by her mother's voice.
"Promise me to stop looking back Sara and look towards the future. Find your love and never look back."
"Thanks mom, for everything. For what you did, how you protected me. I'm sorry I never sought the truth out before. I'll make it up to you, I promise."
The brick of Laura Sidle was broken. "Maybe we can start over at being a family again Sara."
Sara smiled, "That sounds wonderful."
The two women shared a forbidden hug and parted ways. Sara walked out the doors of the prison and took a deep breath of fresh air. Sara felt free. She had a family again.
XXXX
Grissom finally slept after being up for almost three days. He didn't feel rested when he turned over in bed. He thought by turning over he could go back to sleep. That is until he felt the cold sheets that lay next to him. They say you reach a point in your life where being alone becomes routine and that thought frightened Grissom immensely. He jumped out of bed to erase that thought from his memory. He looked at the clock. It was almost 1pm. Way too early to even think of going to work, but late enough to not warrant any additional sleep. What he really wanted was to do something to take his mind off of the grisly murders three days ago. His mind drifted to Sara. He knew what he needed to do.
Grissom picked up his cell phone and dialed Sara's number.
As soon as Sara reached her car she started it and put the air conditioning on before getting set to drive. She was stopped by the vibrating against her leg. "Hello."
"Sara, it's me, Grissom."
Fate, perfect timing, Sara wasn't sure but it was nice to hear his voice. "How are you doing? You sound 'off'."
"Hard case, little sleep you know how it is." Grissom didn't care what Sara was saying, just hearing her voice lowered his anxiety level ten notches.
Sara was quiet for a minute, and that worried Grissom. "You ok Sara?"
"Yeah, I just met my Mom." Sara laughed, "It sounds so weird saying 'mom'."
"How did it go?"
"Grissom as much as I'd like to talk about this, I think I need to digest it first. Can we talk later?"
Grissom tried to not sound disappointed. "Sure, call me later if you want."
"Ok, later Gris."
Grissom was worried. Sara always tried to keep a stoic façade up. Grissom was worried, but he knew she needed to do this herself. When she needed him, he'd be there.
Sara flipped up her phone closed and put the car in drive. She cranked up the radio and sang along with the music. It was such a normal thing to do, but what wasn't normal is how much Sara enjoyed it. Not thinking about what her Mom told her was what she needed at the moment. She needed to neutralize her thoughts before she could address her feelings. She drove back to her hotel and changed her clothes. She put on her running gear and headed to the beach for a run. Her run started off at a slow pace. It soon picked up until Sara was sprinting. The harder she ran the more memories came rushing back to her.
Her mother's words, I couldn't let him go after you Sara. I had to kill him.
Ecklie's words, Sidle, you're suspended.
Sofia's words, I had dinner with Grissom. Dinner led to drinks, you know how it is.
Sara ran harder. She needed to erase her thoughts. They wouldn't stop.
Grissom's words cut the hardest. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I love you Sara.
Sara couldn't take anymore and she turned and plunged into the cold Pacific Ocean. The rush of chill ran throughout her body helped numb her. She opened her eyes underwater; she couldn't hear or see anything. Finally, nothing hurt.
A minute had passed and Sara's lungs were aching for air. She needed to make the decision, sink or swim. She made a pact with herself then and there. She would leave her past right there on the ocean floor and start living today. She would be a family with her mother. They would make up for all the lost years. She would stop blaming and start living. She closed her eyes and floated to the top and gasped for air. Life is worth living.
Despite the chill, Sara slowly made her way back to her hotel. She opened the door and stripped her wet clothes. After a long warm shower she felt better and decided to grab dinner.
Sara was used to dining alone, but it never did feel normal. You ordered, you ate and you left. It was hard enjoying yourself, but Sara was so used to it; she wouldn't know any better. It was getting late and Sara headed back to the hotel. Maybe she could catch a good movie on HBO. She changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. It was after she lay in bed staring at the TV for two hours did the reality of her mother's words hit her.
Sara cried. She cried for her childhood filled with hate. She cried for her Mother who thought her only daughter hated and blamed her for her actions. She cried for every rape victim, every murder victim and every victim who died too scared to identify their attacker. She cried for love; the love she desired and the love she left behind. She would let it all out tonight and start tomorrow as the first day of the rest of her life.
Through her tears she heard a knock at her door. She couldn't imagine who it could be. She didn't want to see anyone or have anyone see her like this. She ignored the knocking until she heard his voice.
"Sara, open up. It's me, Grissom."
Sara was sure she was imagining him being there. How did he find her? Oh yeah, his best friends are trained detectives and she had used her credit card.
Sara tried to wipe the tears and make up smudges from her face. She slowly opened the door.
Grissom wasn't prepared for the sight before him. Sara was deathly pale and her eyes were swollen. The look on her face broke Grissom's heart. He stepped in and shut the door. "Sara, are you ok?"
Sara knew her voice wasn't going to work quite yet. She placed her finger over his lips.
"Shhhh."
Grissom knew her well enough to understand she wasn't going to talk to him just yet so he did the next best thing. "Sara, can I hold you?"
Sara shook her head in acceptance.
Grissom took his jacket and shoes off, took Sara's hand and walked her to the bed. He lay down on his side and pulled her into him close to his heart. "I need to tell you one thing, ok?"
She blinked, and he understood.
"I don't know what happened today to make you this upset but I need you to understand one thing. I've lived the last lonely day of my life yesterday, and I never want to do that again. I had a horrible day and I went home alone. I woke up alone. All the while you're here alone facing horrible truth, alone. I can't do it anymore. I want to fight this together."
Grissom thought Sara wasn't going to answer, and was surprised as she moved her face next to his ear. "I don't want to be lonely anymore either Grissom."
Grissom pulled her back into his chest. They both were sleeping in a matter of minutes. It is amazing how much better each felt fighting their demons together for the first time ever.
Sara was the first to wake in the morning. She only remembered Grissom was there when she opened her eyes to have two strong arms holding her. She thought back to her mother's words the day before. The first time he holds you in his arms to take the pain away.
For the first time in nearly two decades Sara didn't hurt.
TBC
