Author's Note: In case you're wondering, I'm going by the order the episodes are on the DVD, not in their original airing order as with the SMBSS DVD Outtakes. The episode you're about to read a spoof of was actually the episode that originally aired with the one that was spoofed in the last chapter (and Captain N's season premiere, "Game Boy")! There's some conflict that insists that this episode was shown before or after "Reptiles in the Rose Garden". TV Tome's episode guide insists it aired after the previous chapter's episode, but they incorrectly state that one episode was shown every week, even though it was quite clearly two each week, seeing how each episode is eleven minutes long. Besides, they also claim "7 Continents for 7 Koopas" to be the last aired episode, even though it was actually "Super Koopa". Nevertheless, the first episode (which I also believe is the pilot) is chapter #2, because it's episode #2 on the DVD too. And yes, I know that the title is a spoof of another of my favorite cartoons. That's why the heroes of that cartoon make an unexpected appearance at the end of this chapter. Hey, I already had Mr. Crocker, Kermit the Frog, and Teamo Supremo showing up unexpectedly in the last episode! Besides, unexpected appearances of characters from other media was a whole running gag in the SMBSS Outtakes, so it's got to return for a whole spoof! Also, I don't think Mario really damaged the parrot's cage at the end of the episode; the parrot's just a potty-mouth. Anyway, here's the second episode's spoof!
"Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas"
Once again, scary music played from out of nowhere as an unseen camera panned up to the castle of King Bowser Koopa. By the way, it was a dark night as well, just like in the last episode. For some reason, it always seemed to be dark in Bowser's home kingdom. I don't know why, but that's probably why he called it Darkland. And dark it was, 'cause "King Koopa" had another nasty plot up his sleeve! Inside his throne room, the already-existing seven-eighths of his eight kids were causing quite a clash for some unknown reason. Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa was playing horseback on the rear of Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa, whose mad scientist-like hair was being pulled at by Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa, while Morton "Bigmouth" Koopa Jr. avoided spitballs thrown by Roy "Bully" Koopa as Iggy "Hip" & Lemmy "Hop" Koopa bounced around in a chair. Now why Wendy and the twins were involved here would probably never be explained, because they'd soon seemingly disappear from the rest of this story.
Anyway, they were taken in the show when "King Dad" announced, "Listen up, you blood-suckers! This meeting of the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires will come to order!"
The seven Koopalings looked at their dad, confused.
"Oh, sorry. Ahem." Bowser cleared his throat and announced again. "Listen up, you reptiles! This Koopa family meeting will come to order! So far, I've sent you Koopalings to pull sneaky little tricks and medium-sized meanness."
Just then, a voice from the other side of the room interrupted by saying, "Yeah, all of which they failed at!"
"Oh, for the love of Lex Luthor, Bowser Jr.!" Bowser grumbled at his pint-sized clone. "I told you you're not supposed to be on this show! You haven't been thought up yet."
"Do things have to make sense around here when it comes to when what came out?" Bowser Koopa Jr. remakred. "You got smacked in the head by a villain from a show that hadn't yet been made in the last episode!"
"It doesn't matter, son!" Bowser yelled. "You just shut up and stay out of the show!"
"Can I at least comment on things?" asked Bowser Jr.
Bowser rolled his eyes. "Fine, but so long as ya don't cause any freakin' plot holes."
"I can do that." Bowser Jr. winked.
Bowser turned back to his original children. "Anyway, kids, as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted by your not-yet-thought-up little brother, you're ready for the biggest badness of all!"
Wendy O. Koopa tapped her foot. "This better be good, daddykins. I was a toe away from popping into the de-scaling tub for a soak!"
"It is good, Kootie Pie."
"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"
"Whatever." Bowser rolled his eyes again and walked over to some curtains that were apparently hiding something on the wall. "Goomba guards, show 'em the guy we're out to get's life size portrait!"
"Man, zat's a pretty hard thing to say," commented Ludwig Von Koopa.
The two "Goomba guards" opened the curtains to reveal a portrait of a ruler-type guy dressed like every other royal man who lived in the Mushroom World. What made this guy different from the other rulers was that he was as tall as the room.
Morton Koopa Jr. lived up to his cartoon name quite well. "That's Prince Hugo the Huge! The new ruler of Giant Land!"
"Huh? Isn't it actually Big Island?" Bowser Jr. pointed out the land's correct name.
"It's supposed to," Larry Koopa explained, "but they call it 'Giant Land' in the states because some pothead gave all of Super Mario 3's worlds less creative names in the later releases of the original version. At least the real names stuck around for Super Mario All-Stars."
"'Big Island', 'Giant Land', same place!" Morton scoffed. "They say this Hugo guy is the biggest, toughest, b-b-bravest prince ever, even for a giant! He's a giant."
"Giant-shmiant, Bigmouth! He ain't dat big a deal." Roy elbowed "Bigmouth", causing him to fall down.
"No no, Bully!" scolded Bowser. "Beat up only your enemies! Don't beat up family members unless you're trying for extra points in an ambush lesson. Besides, your little blabbermouth of a brother is right!"
Roy was pretty much the only Koopaling who didn't object to being called by his "other name", considering that a bully was just what he was. Despite that, he helped Morton up and dusted him off. "Right, King Dad! That's what I was gawna say! Somebody like Bigmouth or Kootie Pie oughta stop him."
"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy objected.
"Live wit' bein' called dat, Kootie Pie!" taunted Roy. "I'm poifectly adjusted to bein' called 'Bully'!"
Iggy started up a sentence. "That's 'cause it's..."
"...what you are!" said Lemmy, finishing it.
Roy pointed a fist at Iggy and Lemmy. "Shut up, ya siamese geeks!"
Bowser Jr. laughed. "Well, I guess I got the lion's share when it comes to nicknames. Since I wasn't around for Super Mario Bros. 3, I'm not a character on this show, and therefore, I don't have a stupid nickname that the rest of the cast would call me by!"
Roy focuses his attention on Bowser Jr. "How are you even in dis anyway!"
"The writer of this thing's a friend of mine," explained Bowser Jr. "He always casts me alongside Papa in every story he writes. Well, with a few exceptions..."
"How would you like a fat lip, 'Shadow Mario'?" threatened Roy, balling up both of his hands.
"Go ahead, 'Bully'," Bowser Jr. said defiantly. "I ain't afraid--"
"SHUT UP!" Bowser screamed. "Just drop the name game and stick to the script! Now then, Bully, to answer your theory..." As he talked, Bowser walked up to a rack of magic wands that hung on the wall near his throne. Ever since Denzel Crocker had reclaimed the wand he stole from him in the last episode, Bowser had bought some wands of his own, and carefully labeled them so he'd know which sphere worked for which wand. "...somebody is gonna stop him! I'm gonna turn Prince Hugo the Huge into a poodle! Heh heh, a miniature poodle, ha ha ha ha ha!"
"How come you always want to turn kings into fauna, papa?" Bowser Jr. asked.
"Oh, uh... well... everyone needs a hobby, even bad guys. See, my good pal and fellow Tomato Sauce Vampire, King K. Rool, likes to go after the Crystal Coconut. Dr. Ivo Robotnik likes to turn animals into robot slaves while searching for so-called 'Chaos Emeralds'. Dr. Wily is always sending out new Robot Masters and sometimes resurrecting old ones. Evil the Cat keeps trying to destroy the universe even though he never succeeds. So even villains need hobbies, okay? Right!" Bowser pointed at his kids. "So who's gonna bring me Prince Hugo, so I can Koopa him into submission?"
"Hmmm. I thought ze good guys were the only ones allowed to make zose puns..." Ludwig muttered.
"Papa, I vote that you send out one of the big bosses. Like Petey Piranha or Hookbill. Or maybe even..." Bowser Jr. pointed to his seven siblings. "Those guys!"
"Excellent idea, 'Princie'!" Bowser congratulated, calling his clone by a stupid name.
"'Princie'?" Bowser Jr. was appalled. "But I thought..."
"You keep making yourself more and more a part of this show," Bowser explained, "so I guess I'll start calling you by a dumb name!"
"Aw, donkey's ass!" Bowser Jr. cursed.
"Now then..." Bowser turned his attention to four of his kids, during which his crown briefly disappeared. "Bully! Bigmouth! Kooky! Cheatsy! Step forward!"
"Uh, which of us is he calling for?" asked Larry.
"I believe he means Roy, Morton, Ludwig, and you," Wendy answered his query.
"Vhy do you say zat?" wondered Ludwig.
"Because he didn't say 'Kootie Pie', and if he wanted the twins, he would've said two names that had similar letters!" deduced Wendy. "And he didn't call for B.J., 'cause he didn't say 'Princie' there!"
"Well, zat's a logical explanation."
So Roy, Morton, Ludwig, and Larry stepped forward, and Bowser waved the magic wand in his hand. This particular wand, the one which could turn small things into big things and vice-versa, had a green sphere. "Abracadabra!" With a zap from his magic wand, Bowser pulled a Rita Repulsa on those four kids. They instantly grew to the size of giants, and they were all wearing headbands and black belts, like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let me tell you which Koopaling was which Ninja Turtle. Ludwig, holding a wooden Katana, was obviously Leonardo. Larry, chucking nunchucks, was Michealangelo. Roy, wielding a Bo Staff, was Donatello. And Morton would have to be Raphael, although he didn't have Sais, because DiC stupidly believes kids shouldn't watch cartoons involving turtles if they have possession of things made of "silver pointed sticks". "Congratulations," said Bowser, "you're now Teenage Mut... no no, wait... ahh... uh... Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas! And nothing can stop you! Not even a man who wears blades on his armor!"
"Because he'd send out two stupid mutants to attack?" Ludwig said, his German-accented voice not sounding any louder than usual.
"Um, yeah," Bowser verified. "Actually, it's 'cause you're giants. Anyway, bring me Prince Hugo so I can cut him down to size! Ha ha ha!"
And with that, the four Koopalings-turned-Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas left the castle. Of course, seeing how the door was too small for them to fit through, they had to make a big hole in the castle wall.
Bowser just stared at the big hole that the Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas had left in the wall. "Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..."
His dumbfounded, ongoing utterance of "um" was interrupted by Wendy screaming at him. "DADDYKINS! Why'd you only make giant Ninja Turtle impersonators out of only them! Why didn't you just turn all of us into giant ninjas? I don't see why you only need four Giant Sneaky Cheating Lying Koopa Ninjas when you could've just as easily made a whole army!"
"Well, because there are four Ninja Turtles!" Bowser held up three fingers on one hand and one finger on the other. "And it's Sneaky Lying Cheating Giant Ninja Koopas, not 'Giant Cheating Sneaky Koopa Lying Ninjas' or whatever you said."
"But I could've made a perfect Venus De Milo!" Wendy whined again.
"Don't be ridiculous, Kootie Pie!" Bowser cleared her. "'Next Mutation' sucked. Besides, you're still grounded for fowling up on your America takeover!"
Wendy crossed her arms. "Well, I would've kept that country in my control if it weren't for that meddling Teamo Supremo! And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!"
"Will you shut up about these Team Supreme guys I don't know anything about!"
"You would've known them if you had seen it..."
"Well, it don't matter! You come with me." Bowser turned to the twins. "And that goes for you too, Hip and Hop."
Iggy said, "Are you referring..."
Lemmy said, "...to us, dad?"
"Yes, my little artichokes," said Bowser. "We're going to the home improvement shop to get that wall replaced."
Iggy said, "Shouldn't you place..."
Lemmy said, "...an order first?"
"Don't be ridiculous!" Bowser declared. "Villains don't pay for things."
Bowser Jr. watched as his father, sister, and brothers headed for the front door.
At the passage to the hall, Bowser turned to his youngest little bastard and said, "You wanna come along?"
"Let me think about it for a min... Okay!" And with his reply, "Princie" Koopa skipped like a little girl (or ran like Scott Evil) over to his parent and siblings. Wendy and the twins couldn't help but laugh. When they had caught their breath, Bowser and the half of his kids whom he hadn't turned into giants left Darkland for the home improvement shop. "So tell me dad, if you wanted to send out giant Koopa ninjas to capture Hugo, why not just gigantify the Koopa Bros.?"
"Because they haven't been thought up yet," Bowser answered as they headed outside.
"But I haven't been thought up yet either, and I'm right here! What's the deal, schlemiel?"
"I don't know. This show's got some strange habit of showing off things that haven't happened in the games yet..."
0-0-0
Meanwhile, at Prince Hugo's castle in "Giant Land", which is really known as Big Island, the Super Mario group was in the atrium with Prince Hugo the Huge and his eagle-sized parrot, Porter. Hugo was originally going to name the parrot Potty for his bad mouth, but decided against it when he found out the name was already taken.
"We came as soon as we got your message, Prince Hugo!" said Princess Peach Toadstool.
"Yeah! Dat was da foist message we ehva got dat was bigger dan da post office!" Toad stretched out his arms in effect.
Luigi Mario turned to the shrimp. "Uh, Toad, I believe Mario and I are the ones who got the letter. We just told you and Peach about it."
"You're right about the size, though!" Mario turned to the shrimp as well. "Parakarry told me he was gonna take the rest of the day off after delivering that letter. I just hope he called a construction crew - his delivery left a big crater in my yard!"
Hugo the Huge spoke in a voice that made him sound like he was voiced by the same guy who did that of Marvin the Martian. "I really need you, my friends! I'm in gigantic trouble."
"Braaaw!" Porter the parrot bellowed. "Gigantic trouble! Gigantic!"
"Will you just skip the lousy puns and tell us why you called?" asked Mario.
"Well, my whole army has just been defeated by Giant Ninja Koopas! And now they're marching here to capture me!" Hugo said in fret.
"And where do we feature?" Luigi asked unenthusiastically.
"Just listen to teacher!" Hugo pointed his finger in Luigi's face. "I want you to stop them from capturing me."
"Couldn't you just do it yourself?"
"No!" wailed Hugo, dancing his feet.
"But I thought they said you were the biggest, toughest, bravest prince ever!"
"Only when my competitors are smaller than me! When they're as large or larger, I'm a complete coward!" Hugo put his hands on his head and shook with fear.
"Oh brother, and I explored an entire haunted mansion once." Luigi mumbled. "Well, why'd you call on us? There's plenty of other superheroes around. Mario had a whole list of 'em in the last episode!"
Hugo stopped cowering. "I called on you two because you saved the entire Mushroom World in the game."
"Oh! That explains it, then." Luigi looked pleased.
"Not to worry!" Mario bragged. "No job's too big for the Super Mario Bros., Prince! We'll protect you!"
"Braaaw! These shrimpy guys couldn't help the royal flea! I see more help coming from a kooky pair of..." Porter made some freaky poses on the end of his sentence. "...FAIRY GODPARENTS!"
"Imbecilic parrot!" yelled Mario. "You dare doubt the Super Mario Bros., longtime saviors of the Mushroom Kingdom and mascots of Nintendo? We saved an entire country last episode! And if we can save a whole country, we can save just a land too! You'd better apologize real soon, or we'll turn you into an ex-parrot! C'mon Luigi, let's go get some Power-Ups and open a can of whoopass on those giant ninjas."
0-0-0
So, using a pipe that just happened to be inside the castle, Mario and Luigi warped to another part of Big Island. They hadn't gotten very far when Luigi asked, "Hey Mario, what if those giant Koopa ninjas attack the castle right now?"
"D'oh!" Mario grunted. "I never thought of that!"
The Angry Sun appeared off cue. "I was not!"
"Hey, what are you doing in Giant Land?" Luigi asked, not seeming to have any harm done to his eyes.
"Yeah, Angry Sun!" Mario didn't seem to feel any negative effects either. "You're supposed to be in Desert Land!"
The Angry Sun got as angry as his name suggested. "Why you little--! How dare you use the incorrect world names! Prepare for a permanent sunburn!"
"Oh... YO MAMA!" Luigi insulted.
"No! Run for it, Luigi!" Mario grabbed Luigi, and they ran like cowards from the Angry Sun, instead of just picking up a Koopa Shell and tossing it so that it would hit him.
Fortunately, Power-Ups were fairly common in "Giant Land", so Mario and Luigi smashed a block containing a Super Leaf, and used it to gain Raccoon Power. Flying into the air, they rang out a battle cry like Teamo Supremo's. "Super Mario Bros.!"
"Say, why'd we just say that?" Luigi nitpicked. "We're not Sailor Scouts."
"Hmmm, you're right," considered Mario. "Maybe we shouldn't do that again on the show."
The Angry Sun suddenly approached them. Not only was he an easy-to-avoid enemy, but he was very very dumb too. So of course, he failed to notice that the two raccoons in front of him were his targets. Nor could he figure out how raccoons could possibly fly. "Hey, did you two flying raccoons see where dose pesky plumbers went?"
"Uh, behind that cloud!" Mario pointed westward.
"Thanks!" The Angry Sun flew away and disappeared into the distance. When he was out of sight, the Mario Bros. fell down, rolling in midair, laughing their heads off, snickering like Bugs Bunny and going "What a chump! What a nincompoop!" After a while, they picked themselves and continued their flight.
"Now let's hightail it back to Giant Land." Mario made a bad pun.
"But we're already in Giant Land!" Luigi clarified.
"Um, yeah. I meant the castle," Mario corrected himself. "Anyway, let's get back there and stop those no-good Ninja Koopas!"
"Remember Mario," Luigi directed, "don't let any Koopa touch you, or you'll lose your power!"
"You don't have to tell me that, Luigi! I know how it works."
"I wasn't explaining it to you." Luigi pointed to the viewers. "I was explaining it to them."
Mario sighed. "I think the viewers know it, too."
"Well, gosh-darn it, I gotta explain it to somebody!" Luigi complained as they flew off back to the castle.
0-0-0
Back at Hugo's castle, the Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas, whom we should just refer to as the SGNK from now on, had arrived at the front door. "Michaelangelo Cheatsy" pointlessly broke a rock with his nunchucks for good measure as "Leonardo Kooky" and "Raphael Bigmouth" kicked down the door.
Inside, Porter covered his face with his wings. "Oh, this is too scary! I can't watch!"
"What are ya, some kinda wimp?" Toad chastised the bird.
Hugo watched his walls fall apart. "Oh, dear. Now I shall have to create more Martians."
Peach, Toad, and even Porter the Parrot looked at Hugo oddly when he said that.
"Sorry," apologized Hugo, "it's something with my voice actor."
The SGNK came in off cue, but that didn't matter, because now they could capture their target. "Donatello Bully" swiped up Peach and Toad, and "Leonardo Kooky" and "Michaelangelo Cheatsy" grabbed Hugo.
"Leave them alone," Hugo demanded, in spite of his predicament, "or I shall release the hounds!"
"How? We got both your arms; you can't call anybody!" Larry did his Nelson Muntz imitation. "Ha ha!"
The Mario Bros. flew out of a pipe in the sky, although why they didn't come out of the pipe they used to leave the place is beyond me. Also, Peach and Toad somehow wound up in "Raphael Bigmouth"'s hands, even though technically it was "Donatello Bully" who grabbed them.
"Tra-la-laaaaaa!" the Mario Bros. declared.
"What the foshizzle?" Roy said in confusion.
"Ugh!" Morton criticized. "I've seen some ugly raccoons in my day, but these are the worst!"
Roy tried to swat them. "Yeah! Dey even look like da Mario Bros.!"
"Dose ARE da Mario Bros.! Ya dumbass!" Toad insulted the giant holding him and the Princess. "Dontcha remember? Dey used Power-Ups like dat when dey were kickin' yer collective asses in the game! And dey're gonna do it again even if you are da size of Scrooge McDuck's cargo plane!"
Although Roy lived up to his cartoon name, he was also a rather polite bully. As Morton handed the small prisoners back to him, Roy showed what I mean by that. "Temper, temper, little mushroom. Such a foul mouth shouldn't be on a little guy such as yourself. I shall have to punish you by contradicting your statement." And he blew a gust of wind at Mario, spinning the raccoon/plumber out of control.
"Ahhhh!" Mario screamed. "Reptile breath tornado! I'm a goner!"
"What! You insinuatin' I have bad breath? I'll show you what happens to people who say bad things about my mouthwash!" And with that, Roy flicked Mario with his thumb and index finger, which knocked him into a wall and also cost him his Raccoon Power. So maybe it was a rather predictable way to knock down the enemy, but at least it made more sense than a Piranha Plant coming out of its pipe, then turning around to bite him, because Piranha Plants can't do that in the game. What was a pipe with a Piranha Plant even doing in Hugo's palace?
Anyway, although he only lost his ability to fly, Mario still cried, "Oh, I'm super no more! Just plain old Mario!"
Luigi flew down beside him. "Don't be so dumb, Mario! This is Super Mario Bros. 3, remember? You haven't shrunk down to small Mario! You just de-powered down to just Super Mario! That line you just said is pretty inaccurate if you ask me." But just as Luigi was correcting Mario's statement about what power state he was in, Morton grabbed him and robbed him of his Raccoon Power too. "Hey, you asshole! Put me down! You took away our Power-Ups, and we're not willing to go back and get 'em again!"
Morton ignored Luigi's yelling. "God, I love being a Turtle!"
Everyone, including Hugo and Porter the Parrot, looked strangely at Morton.
"Sorry... I couldn't resist. Right!" Morton opened Porter's cage and plucked the parrot out. "OK, birdy, it's time for you to fly south for the winter!"
"You can't evict me!" Porter cried. "Braaaw! I'm the royal parrot!
"You're more like a royal pain!" Morton stated the not-so-obvious as he and Roy placed Luigi, Peach, and Toad in the cage. "Besides, we need your cage for our tiny prisoners. Hey Bully! Don't close the door just yet! We gotta put Mario in there too!"
"Uh, first ya gotta catch me!" Mario jumped away.
Morton and Roy ran about trying unsuccessfully to catch Mario, who jumped onto the back of Porter, like jumping onto Yoshi's saddle.
"Quick Potty," Mario commanded, "get us out of here!"
"Get off my freakin' back!" Porter squawked. "And my name's Porter, not Potty! Patchy the Pirate will sue if he hears someone calling me that."
"But Porter, we have to save your master and all my friends!"
"That's all of your friends who just got captured? What about Yoshi, and Princess Daisy, and Mallow, and Goombario, and Kooper, and Bombette, and Parakarry, and Lady Bow, and Watt, and Sushie, and Lakilester, and Professor Elvin Gadd, and Donkey Kong, and Wooster, and--"
"OK, so it's not all of my friends! Just fly us out of here!"
"But I want my cage back!" sobbed Porter. "My whole life's in that cage! My Big Bird poster, my Worms of Outer Space comic book collection, everything!"
"Wait a minute, you have a Big Bird poster? You watch 'Sesame Street'!" Mario was surprised at the mention of having a poster based on a PBS show. "Get out of Giant Land! That's a baby show. And anyway, I didn't see those things actually in your cage."
"Well, you didn't see the whole interior! My cage is much larger on the inside than it is on the outside. Like Snoopy's doghouse!"
"Look bird, when I save your master, I'll get your bloody cage back."
"You will?"
"Yes. NOW JUST GET US OUT OF HERE, YOU EEDIOT!" Mario screamed.
"You don't have to raise your voice; I can hear you perfectly." Porter took off with Mario on his back.
It was taking an awfully long time for Morton and Roy to grab them, because they kept tripping over each other. By the time they finally stopped running into each other, and Ludwig, Larry, and Hugo had thrown away the bags of popcorn they had been eating while watching the two klutzes, Porter had already managed to fly Mario out of the strangely roofless castle. I wonder how Hugo and Porter are protected when it rains. Does it even rain on Big Island?
"Aw crap," cursed Roy, "he got away!"
Morton rolled his eyes. "Big deal! At least we managed to get Prince Hugo. And we got three more prisoners than King Dad bargained for."
"Yeah!" Ludwig said in agreement. "Let's get back to the castle so Dad can tell us how smart ve are!"
Ludwig and Larry took Hugo by the arms, and Roy walked with the prisoner-containing cage in one hand. They raised quite a conversation as they walked back to Darkland. "But Kooky," Roy asked his German-speaking brother, "isn't he gonna want Mario even more than these other saps?"
"Don't vorry about it, Bully, and don't call me 'Kooky'!" Ludwig replied. "Ve'll just tell Dad that ve killed him."
"Are you sure he's gonna allow dat? This is a children's show, and 'dead' is one word that ain't allowed on children's television."
"Vell, ve'll vork some vay to say it!"
0-0-0
Back at Bowser's castle, Bowser and the remaining half of his kids had just finished putting the finishing touches on the new wall to replace the one the now-giant half had destroyed on their way out.
"There. That's a pretty perfect job if I do say so myself," said Bowser as they got the wall leveled. "You see what you can accomplish when you're grounded from your favorite privileges, Kootie Pie?"
"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy said again. "And I never would've been punished if you hadn't let Teamo Supremo come and defeat me!"
"Why do you keep mentioning this Seamo Tupremo that I've never met?" Bowser mumbled, walking back to his throne.
"Hey Papa, did it occur to you what might happen if the Giant Ninja Koopas came back after you finished putting up that new wall?" Bowser Jr. pointed out.
"I never thought of that..." Bowser realized.
Just then, the SGNK came back in, this time causing more damage than just wrecking the wall. "Hey! King Dad!" Larry announced. "We got Hugo, just as you asked!"
"Yeah!" boomed Roy. "And even better, we got some more prisoners as well!"
"Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..." Bowser uttered again.
"Hey Dad, what's da matter wit' you?"
"Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmm..."
"Vill you snap out of zat and tell us what's wrong?" Ludwig snapped his fingers impatiently.
"Um..." Bowser snapped out of his utterance. "YOU LITTLE RASCALS! You not only wrecked my expensive castle walls and cost me over two hundred Koopabits getting it replaced, but YOU ALSO JUST STEPPED ON YOUR OWN SIBLINGS!"
Bowser was right. The four SGNK looked at the soles of their feet and saw that each one of them had stepped on their normal-sized siblings. Ludwig had wedged Wendy; Larry had mashed Lemmy; Morton had crushed Iggy; and Roy had squished Bowser Jr.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" Roy apologized to his youngest sibling. "I didn't know they were there."
"Hhhhhhhhh," Bowser sighed, "now I'm gonna need to call the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital if Kootie Pie and the twins hope to be around for next week's show. Geez, it's so embarrassing to call for help to the land where your enemies live..."
"Don't... call... me... 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy spoke, flattened.
In the time it took it took for an ambulance to arrive at the castle, Mario and Porter came around, hiding behind the curtain. Bowser was far too stressed with the near-loss of half of his kids to notice. He sighed as the ambulance drove Wendy, Iggy, Lemmy, and Bowser Jr. away. "Well, at least for the rest of this episode I won't have to hear about that Teabo Suprebo that Kootie Pie keeps complaining about. Now what was it you were trying to tell me, ninja boys?"
"Ve got you Prince Hugo and three other prisoners as well!" Ludwig placed the cage right by Bowser's throne.
Bowser looked at the prisoners. "Hmmmmm, you got Princess Peach. That's good. You got Toad, hmm yes. You got Luigi, that's a little good... Wait a minute! Where's that plumb bum Mario?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhh... he's pushing up daisies, Pop," lied Ludwig.
Bowser looked shocked. "He's pushing up Daisy! But, but... after all the times he keeps saving Peach from me, I thought he liked her!"
"NO! We mean that he's dead!" Ludwig corrected his pop.
"Really?" Bowser didn't look convinced. "So how come you didn't bring me his dead body?"
"Uh, ve didn't vant his bloody corpse dirtying your clean floors." Ludwig continued his lie.
"Hmm, you have a point there..." Bowser laughed manically. "Yes, yes! Today will be a day that will go down in Koopa history! Not only do I get the pleasure of turning Big Island's new ruler into a pooch, but my longtime nemesis is deceased, too! At last, after getting your collective butts kicked in three different games, you Koopalings finally did some rotteness worthy of Koopadom! I'm so proud of you! I should break out the party supplies right now! But I'd better do the dirty deed first." He turned to Peach, Luigi, and Toad. "Now you'll see why I modestly, heh heh heh, call myself a genius! Ba ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Uh, can we say something now?" Luigi asked, having been silent for so long.
"NO!" Bowser walked over to his rack of wands and picked the one with the purple sphere. "Now sit back while I make the long-awaited use of my Poodle Wand! I've always wanted to try it out."
"A 'Poodle Wand'!" Luigi found the name odd.
Peach also found it odd for wands to be specifically named. "You have different wands for all of your animal transformations!"
"But I only see four wands there!" Toad stated the obvious.
"What, you think these wands are the only ones I have?" Bowser raspberried. "Pfft! In your dreams! After that wacky guy with the fairy-finding obsession stole back the wand I stole from him, I've gotten all kinds of new wands! I got lots more of these in my bedroom closet. For example, I have a Negative-Personality Wand that changes a person's personality to its exact opposite, and I even have a Death Wand that I got at the Villain's Mart for $49.95, although my fellow Tomato Sauce Vampire, Count Ganondorfula, tells me it doesn't work the way he expected, so I'm holding off on usin' it. I've also got a Basset Hound Wand, a Weiner Dog Wand, a Pussycat Wand, a Bobcat Wand, a Lion Wand, a Tiger Wand, a Grizzly Bear Wand, a Polar Bear Wand, a Cheetah Wand, a Wolf Wand, a Meerkat Wand, a Warthog Wand, a Bull Wand, an Elephant Wand, a Rhinoceros Wand, an Ostrich Wand, a Chipmunk Wand, a Mouse Wand, a Hyena Wand, a Blue-footed Drake Wand, a Kangaroo Wand, a Hedgehog Wand, an Ocean Sponge Wand, a Starfish Wand, an Octopus Wand, a Land Squirrel Wand, a Crab Wand, a Plankton Wand, a Lobster Wand, a Merman Wand, a Hornbill Wand, a Cardinal Wand, a Bluejay Wand..." Peach, Toad, and the SGNK began falling asleep at this point in Bowser's list. "...a Gorilla Wand, an Orangutan Wand, a Baboon Wand, a Chimp Wand, a Deer Wand, a Gopher Wand, a Zebra Wand, a Hippopotamus Wand, a Gazelle Wand, a Llama Wand, a Boar Wand, a Snake Wand, a Penguin Wand, a Giraffe Wand, a Water Buffalo Wand, a Chameleon Wand, a Bunny Wand, a Panda Wand, a Skunk Wand, a Flamingo Wand, a Leopard Wand, an Alligator Wand, a Beaver Wand, a Mole Wand, a Rat Wand, a Tortoise Wand, a Hare Wand, a Drunk Stork Wand, a Crocodile Hunter Wand, an African Killer Bee Wand, a Scorpion Wand, a Crawling Ant to the Leaping Antelope Wand, a..."
"Oh, will you just shut up and turn Hugo into whatever it is you want to turn him into!" Luigi interrupted, not wanting to hear any more of that list.
"Oh, fine. Spoil my big list of wands. Poodle Wand, do your stuff!" And with that, Bowser changed Hugo into a regular-sized poodle. That, of course, contradicted his earlier stated plan to turn Hugo into a miniature poodle. But hey, at least Bowser was pleased with the effects. "Well, whaddaya know? I have improved my transformations!"
Luigi nudged Peach and Toad. "Uh, you can wake up now. He's transformed Hugo."
Peach snorted, woke up, and tried to get her performance right. "Umm, oh no! Poor Prince Hugo!"
"Well, like I always say, my dear," taunted Bowser, "it's the small things in life that make a Koopa happy!"
Mario had also fallen asleep during Bowser's monologue, so Porter had to wake him up. "Wake up, stupid!"
"Oh, sorry," said Mario as he awakened, "did I miss anything?"
"Well," Porter briefed, "that big guy there just turned my master into a poodle with that purple wand there. And he recited a really long list of the wands he's got."
"What's the color got to do with it?" Mario wondered.
"Shh!" shushed Porter. "I think he's about to make a change of wands.
After waking up his sleepy giant ninja offspring, Bowser walked back up to his rack of wand and put the wand with the purple sphere back, taking out the green wand he had used earlier. "Well kids, now that my brilliant little amusement for the day is done, it's time for you to return to your normal sizes!" Then he said to himself, "And for me to return to not being worried about my walls being destroyed."
"But Pop!" Roy twirled his Bo Staff over his head. "Bein' a Sneaky Lyin' Cheatin' Giant Ninja Koopa kicks ass!"
"Yeah!" Morton agreed. "Can't we stay like this and go capture some more kings?"
"Oh, for Mr. Yamauchi's sake, that's a cruel, rotten, and disgusting idea. But then again, bein' an archvillain, I love it! Good idea, kids!" Bowser put the green wand back on the rack. "I'll use the Ninja Wand later.
And so the SGNK celebrated by singing and dancing to their own version of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", parading around the continually barking Hugo, during which Bowser rode around on Morton's shoulder. From behind the curtains, Mario got an idea. "Ninja wand, eh? Porter, I've got an idea..." And he walked over to the cage.
Peach was over-delighted to see... "Mario! After hearing what Kooky said, I thought I'd never see you again!"
"Did I miss somethin' last season?" Toad asked.
"Could you save the sentiment for next week's show, Princess?" Mario asked. "I've got a way to trick ol' Koopa, and we'll have to work together."
"But we're already on the same side," Luigi pointed out.
"Well, like I said, we'll need to trick him. Now listen close..." After some "here's-the-plan" whispering, Mario walked over to the rack of wands and switched the spheres of the Poodle Wand and Giant Ninja Wand around, and then hid behind the throne. It was only when Mario went back into hiding that the SGNK stopped their song and dance and placed Bowser back on his seat.
"So, which kingdom should we kidnap the ruler of and turn into an animal next?" Morton asked, during which his hand was colored wrong.
"Water Land!" suggested Ludwig, talking with Roy's voice.
Roy clobbered Ludwig on the head with his Bo Staff. "Don't steal my voice!"
"Desert Land!" Laryr suggested, ignoring Roy.
"Quiet, Koopalings!" Bowser halted. "You may be bigger than me right now, but I'm still the king around here, and I'll decide what land we're gonna take over! And please, use the correct names for the worlds!"
"Uh, how are you going to choose?" Ludwig asked, now back in his regular voice.
"The scientific way. Gumshoes, let's go to the map!" At Bowser's command, three Lakitus floated their clouds into the room, bringing in maps of Grassland, the Desert Hill, Ocean Side, the Sky Land, Iced Land, and the Pipe Maze. "Now then..." Bowser pointed his finger at each map, going to a different one in time to each word. "Dip dip dip, my little ship, sails on the ocean, you are it." His finger ended up pointing to the map of Grassland. "No no no no no, we shouldn't try Grassland, it ain't much of a challenge. I must've skipped a dip." He started again. "Dip dip dip dip, my little ship, sails..."
Mario came in off cue, but that didn't matter either. "Not so fast, Bowser Koopa!"
"What the funky monkey ass?" Bowser was so shocked by this that his crown jumped off his head.
The SGNK gasped. "Where'd he come from!"
"You ain't taking over any lands, Bowser!" Mario blurted. "I'm here to spoil any plans of yours."
"Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas!" Bowser yelled at his kids. "You told me he was dead!"
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... it's a ghost?" Ludwig was desperate for excuses.
"You'd better set my friends free and turn Prince Hugo the Poodle back into Prince Hugo the Huge, or else!" Mario continued.
"Or else what, plumber boy?" Bowser wanted to know.
"Or else I'll give the mother of all hieny spankings!" Mario pointed his finger in Bowser's snout.
The Koopa King rolled his eyes. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk. I'd hate for this to all end in violence."
"LET'S KILL 'IM NOW!" Ludwig cried to his brothers.
"No no, Koopalings!" Bowser cleared them up. "Just grab him. I want to do away with him myself."
So instead of killing their enemy right on the spot, Morton just picked up Mario. Man, he does a lot of the grabbing in this episode, doesn't he? Peach then began to put her part of the plan into action, during which Luigi's clothes somehow briefly changed to that of his brother's. "Oh, this is horrible. Koopa's SO mean, I'll bet he's gonna turn Mario into a poodle too!"
"Hmmm, that's a great idea, Princess!" said Bowser, not noticing that Peach sounded like she had been reading a cue card. "You, my dear, have just given me a million dollar idea! I always wanted twin poodles! It's too bad I gotta kill the second one! Oh well. I'll just turn the next ruler I capture into a poodle too!"
"Hey, less talky, more changy," said Peach, sounding more normal this time.
"Hhhhh, fine. Spoil my moment." Bowser grabbed the wand with the purple sphere on it and walked over to his arch-foe as Luigi grinned to his two confidants.
"It worked, Princess!" Luigi mouthed between his grin. "Koopa don't realize he's been tricked!"
"Be quiet, Luigi!" Peach slapped Luigi's mouth shut. "He might hear you saying that!"
Bowser shot a blast from the "Poodle Wand" at Mario. It hurt Morton, who did what's known as a "little girl scream" and dropped Mario. When Mario hit the floor, he suddenly, and unexpectedly grew into a giant wearing a karate outfit.
"What the--!" Bowser looked at his wand, confused. "Who the hell's been foolin' with my Poodle Wand?"
"Good Truthful Honest Giant Ninja Mario! That's who!" Mario opened the cage and let his friends out.
"Oh great," Bowser mumbled, "just 'cause I give my kids Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-like names, he has to do it too. Sneaky Giant Ninja Koopas, attack!"
Suddenly, as some unidentifiable voice started singing about ninjas, Bowser was attacked by Luigi, Peach, and Toad, causing him to drop the Giant Ninja Wand. As Mario prepared to fight off the SGNK, Peach grabbed the wand and used it to return the SGNK to their normal size. Unfortunately, the beam also hit Mario, shrinking him back to his normal size as well.
"Hey," objected Mario, "that wasn't part of the plan!"
The King of the Koopas dropped a bead of sweat. "Well, I guess we've had our bit of fun for the day. All right, Mario, you may have shrunk my kids back to normal size, but you've been shrunk back too! And besides, my kids are still Sneaky Lying Cheating Ninja Koopas! So you've only postponed us from delivering your fate! Koopa Pack, attack!"
"I wouldn't say that if I were you, you walking suitcase!" an offscreen voice declared, with an appropriate fanfare.
The camera panned over to reveal, standing in the remains of the wall the SGNK had destroyed, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, with their weapons drawn.
"You may be a reptile like us, but you're not a good reptile!" said Leonardo.
"Yeah, dude!" Michaelangelo added. "We turtles fight for truth, justice, and a bigger slice of pizza pie!"
"You're not very intelligent to be an evil reptile!" Donatello declared.
"Does the phrase 'Eat our shells' hold any meaning for ya?" Raphael joked.
"What are you doing here!" Bowser demanded.
"We heard that you were ripping us off for the transformation you granted four of your kids!" explained Leonardo. "That's copyright infringement, and we won't stand for it."
"Yeah!" said Michaelangelo. "It's a mondo disgrace to our good name!"
"We're here to make you sorry you even thought of it!" Donatello swung his Bo Staff over his head.
"Let the butt-kicking begin!" declared Raphael.
"GET 'EM, KOOPALINGS!" Bowser commanded to his kids.
"TURTLE POWER!" the Ninja Turtles yelled out, in unison.
The unidentifiable voice who was singing about ninjas got sacked, and the Ninja Turtles battle music began playing as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Sneaky Lying Cheating Normal-Sized Ninja Koopas began their battle. Raphael immediately had Morton down, because Morton didn't have a weapon. Donatello shoved his Bo Staff in Roy's belly, causing him to lose his own Bo. Michealangelo put the hurt on Larry from behind, which proved why he was forced to start using a grappling hook in later seasons. Leonardo sliced Ludwig's own Katana in half, since it was made of wood. As the Ninja Turtles began jump-kicking their Koopa counterparts, Luigi got ahold of the Poodle Wand and transformed Hugo back to his normal self. When the weakened Ninja Koopas realized they were in even more trouble now, they all did "little girl screams" and cowered behind "King Dad".
"Well Bowser," Mario bit, "I'd say you've lost again!"
"Maybe, but as the old saying goes..." Bowser fidgeted about himself, trying to find a Sub-Space potion. "...he who Koops... and runs away... lives to Koop..." He realized he had none. "...another day?"
"Oh brother," Mario rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, you're now gonna pull a Sub-Space potion out of nowhere and then just expect us to stand around like idiots while we just let you escape? Well, it's a whole new season, Koopa, and we ain't gonna fall for that!"
"OK, maybe I'll try something different..." Bowser leaped into the air like Michael Jordan and hit a block that just happened to be there, somehow opening a warp zone. "Come on, kids! It's time to Koop out of here! And get that wall re-replaced. Home improvement shop, here I come... again!"
And they jumped down the pipe, with Mario's group just standing there like idiots as it closed. I guess some things never change.
"Pussy pizza," cursed Luigi, "the Koopas got away again!"
Mario took off his ninja getup. "Oh no ya don't, Luigi! We're not gonna bring back any of those stupid clichés from the first season!"
"Good idea, Mario," said Leonardo. "Of course, my brothers and I are used to this thing."
"Well," said the restored Hugo. "I guess I should say that you've all been a BIG help in saving Giant Land."
"Hey, that's not a very good joke, there!" Raphael commented.
"Um, isn't it actually Big Island?" Donatello nitpicked.
Hugo rolled his eyes. "Oh, whatever."
At that point, Porter the Parrot returned to the story, after having had a chat with a Pidgeot. He ran upon the cage and got upset, even though there was just a little dent on the door. "My cage! Mario RUINED my cage! You little asshole! You promised me you'd get me back my cage!"
"We DID!" Mario yelled angrilly. "Geez, you're so ungrateful, Porter! Your flippin' cage is perfectly fine! You just want to make some stupid excuse to make everybody else laugh even though what they're laughing at isn't really funny! Just like in our last season! Besides, I believe you owe Luigi and me an apology for saying that a nutty pair of... FAIRY GODPARENTS! would be more help than us."
Porter grabbed the Ninja Wand from Peach and pulled a Rita Repulsa on himself. He became slightly bigger and was now also wearing a headband. "You'd better fix it, Mario, or you're gonna be an ex-plumber! Braaaw, braaw, braaw!"
"Uh, guys?" Mario addressed the Ninja Turtles. "Show this Miserable Squawking Angry Giant Ninja Parrot what I meant when I said I'd turn him into an ex-parrot!"
"We're on it, Mario! Cowabuuuuunnnga!" As Michaelangelo shouted, he and his three brothers began attacking Porter, saving Mario from having to have something stupid happening to him that everyone else would just laugh at.
Luigi, Peach, and Toad almost did start to laugh, but Mario silenced them. "No way, guys. We're on a roll here."
I suppose you're wondering who will be appearing unexpectedly in the next episode. Well, here's two hints: it's another cartoon show's main trio, two-thirds of whom are on the "Couples I Support" list in my profile. The other hint is that it isn't Teamo Supremo. (But yes, Bowser getting their name wrong will be a running gag.) Until I get "The Beauty of Kootie"'s spoof up, you'll just have to figure it out yourself.
