Evangelion Song Fic

Art Of Life

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or anything pertaining to it, nor do I own anything pertaining to X-Japan and their music.

Series: Evangelion

Song: "Art of Life" by X-Japan


Art of Life

Shinji didn't know what to think as he sat there, staring at the dead ocean of a dead city. Asuka was comatose. Misato was hysterical. Ritsuko was insane. His father was his father. Toji and Kensuke were away.

Kaworu was dead.

And Rei? Shinji didn't even know what she was any more. All he knew was that he found himself walking into a room filled with Reis. Dozens, maybe even hundreds of carbon copies of Rei Ayanami. And as if that wasn't enough, he had to watch them all die.

Die laughing.

He knew in his heart that they weren't real. But he couldn't help but picture the Rei that he knew…that he thought he knew…dying the same way: gladly. She would give her own life in an instant. Shinji could never do that. Not in a thousand years. He could never muster the courage. He could never muster the courage to do anything.

So useless.

But he knew one thing, though not at first. Of all the people that came to mind, Rei was the only person who could give him what he wanted, now, above all.

Answers.

She knew something. Maybe not all of it, but something. Something of what his father was working on, with that Angel in the basement, with the Rei clones, with the Eva's…with his mother. Rei knew something. And Shinji decided that he was going to find out.

Easier said than done.

His plan nearly died with the first step. How to find her. Where was Rei nowadays? Her apartment was still intact, but more and more often, Rei had not been there. Would she be there now? Was there a chance? He had to check. He had all day.

He found himself staring at the door. Just a normal door, like any other. But behind it may or may not be the key to his anxiety.

Desert Rose, why do you live alone?

If you are sad, I'll make you leave this life.

A knock.

No answer.

Of course.

He opened the door.

He saw Rei sitting there on her bed. She hadn't even been paying attention. Sure, she'd heard the knock, but she had not truly acknowledged it. Shinji doubted she would have gotten up at all to answer the door. That's the Rei he knew. He though he knew.

"Ikari?"

All of the sudden, Shinji was scared. What should he say? How should he approach this? Being confronted with an immediate need for action made him tremble and freeze up. Especially with Rei.

Her blue hair still struck him as odd, even to this day. And her red eyes were as piercing as fire. And her skin…so white and so fair. Yet so ghostly. Shinji wondered why his people of origin saw pale skin as beautiful. To him, it was just scary.

Are you white, blue or bloody red?

All I can see is drowning in cold gray sand.

"A…Ayanami…" Shinji began, trying his hardest.

Rei got up off her bed and stood there, as if expecting orders. But Shinji was the last person to be giving orders to anyone. Which is why this particular task came so difficultly.

"Do you…" Shinji said. What should he say to her? Do you know the answers? To what? To Eva? Way too broad. Do you know the answers to that angel in the basement? That sounded dumb. Do you know that you had over a dozen clones in the basement of NERV, until some maniac scientist disintegrated them all? Jeez, this was going to be difficult.

The winds of time, you knock me to the ground.

I'm dying of thirst. I wanna run away.

"Do I what?"

Shinji couldn't put into words what he needed. What the wanted. What he wanted from her. The only person who had openly offered to be his friend was dead. The only people who he could call his friends were maniac, catatonic or both. Except for Rei, who he was hardly sure of.

I don't know how to set me free to live

My mind cries out feeling pain

"Can you tell me…?" Shinji corrected himself.

Tell him what? The answers? That brought him back to that loop before.

"Tell you what?" Rei asked, not letting a hint of irritation show. It took a whole lot more than that to irritate Rei. Unfortunately, Shinji had once brushed against that level before. But that was another story.

"Can you tell me wha…why…how…wha…" Shinji couldn't believe himself. What should he say? What was he asking?

"If you have something to say, Ikari, then say it."

Shinji couldn't control his mouth, and he spit out the best thing that came to mind. And probably the worst thing.

"What are you?"

This came as a shock for Rei. She had always asked herself "Who are you?" but never before had she inquired what she was. Yes, she was Rei, but who was Rei? What was Rei? Was she human? Angel? Eva? What?

I've been roaming to find myself.

How long have I been feeling endless hurt?

"I am…" Rei said.

This was no answer. Shinji couldn't accept that. No matter how cowardly he was, he would not stand for an answer that simple. "No."

Rei looked up. "What?"

"You're something else, Rei." Shinji said. "You're so much different than everyone else. And people treat you differently than everyone else. And I want to know why. Why are you different? What does it have to do with Eva? What's going on at NERV, and for god's sake, why are there clones of you in the NERV complex?"

Falling down, rain flows into my heart.

In the pain I'm waiting for you.

Rei's eyes flew open. She had never expected Ikari to ask this of her. She had though he would have known not to dwell on things that were over their heads. Such matters were dealt with only by him. The other Ikari.

"I cannot tell."

Shinji furrowed his brow. "But you know."

Rei nodded. "Yes."

Shinji breathed in. "Then tell me!"

Rei blinked. "I just said that I cannot."

"I don't care!" Shinji declared. "You're the only person left I have to go to! Now please, Rei! I need to know what's going on!"

Can't go back.

No place to go back to

Life is lost, flowers fall

Rei was breathing hard now. Ikari was behaving very rashly. She had no idea what was going on with him. However, despite any fear she might have of him, she did not wish to call for aid. She did not want to get him in trouble…no matter what it cost her. That much, she was willing to sacrifice.

Shinji, on the other hand, was losing it himself. He had pitched off the edge of despair and gone into desperation. There was no telling what he might try.

He had already accepted the fact that his life was shit, to put it frankly. It was a given for him that people would not treat him well. He was past begging people to be nice to him, and fend for himself, with the thought in mind that nobody would willingly show any sympathy. But when it came to his friends… People he thought he knew… He just didn't know how to behave.

If it's all dream.

Now wake me up.

Rei felt compelled to tell the third child something, anything to make him feel better. It was her inclination to ensure the well being of her fellow pilots, especially the third child. So, without bending the rules the commander had set for her too far, she ventured into explanation.

"Shinji…" Rei began, using his first name in order to instill a greater impact in him. "Do you believe in God?"

Shinji blinked, taken totally off track. "What?"

Rei sighed. It was a long shot, but she had to take it. "Do you believe in God?"

Shinji thought about that for a moment. Religion had never been a concept for him. The official religion of Japan, even after second impact, was still Shintoism and Buddhism. And in a lot of other countries, Christianity, Judaism and Islam existed. But Shinji never really believed in any of that. He had always pictured himself blaming God for all his problems, instead of blaming himself.

"No…I guess I don't."

Rei blinked. "Why?"

Shinji scratched his head. "I think because…um…"

If it's all real…

"Because…I would hate him if I did."

Rei sighed. That told her more than enough.

"What does this have to do with anything at NERV?" Shinji asked, just barely above conversation volume.

Rei nodded her head. "The code name for our enemies is Angel. Did it not occur to you that the things we fight might actually be God's angels?"

Shinji shuddered. Breathing heavily, he began to shake his head. "No way…I mean…if that were true, than…"

Shinji began pacing around the room, as Rei simply watched him.

"Than what have we been fighting for? Does God hate us? And what is NERV planning behind all this?"

Rei sighed. There was no stopping it.

"God is angry, because of an experiment from Gehirn in the white moon in Antarctica. Man tried to harness the power of God into a device what you may have heard before – an S2 device."

Shinji's eyes widened. "You mean that the power of god is…what's powering those S2 engines?"

Rei nodded, continuing. "The commander is planning to use the power of god to become reunited with what he desires most. And my exclusive purpose is to aid him in this."

No way. No way. Shinji did not believe what he was hearing. If what Rei was true, than…not only has his father been fighting for an unjust cause…but he himself was the perpetrator of the conflict. His father was the bad guy.

No wonder he hated his father so much. God himself hated him.

Shinji took a moment to catch his breath before asking. "What is it my father wants?"

Rei looked strangely at him. "Can you think of nothing?"

Shinji thought about that. What would his father want? What would he wish for? What haunted his dreams on those nights he managed to squeeze in a wink of sleep?

What was it that haunted Shinji's own dreams?

Mother. Yui. That's what he wanted. And in a flash, it all made sense.

"You mean my father angered the gods simply so that he could be reunited with m…mother?"

Rei nodded, unable to reply verbally.

One thing remained for Shinji. One thing was left unsaid.

"Rei?" Shinji asked, suing her first name.

"Yes?"

"What is…" Shinji swallowed. "What is…I mean…"

Rei began shifting her weight from one leg to the other.

"How are you going to help him in this?"

And Rei told him.

…Just kill me.


What the evilness that stirred beneath the fowl depths of NERV, comparable to hell, the pit of remorse and despair house unearthly creations and heaps of illusionary divinity. Clones of God, and embodiments of the devil that battled saintly angels in holy warfare.

What did it matter? Shinji couldn't bring himself to care. He was cut off from everything. He didn't like it, but it was his best solution thus far. So he was going to stick with it.

I'm making the wall inside my heart

I don't wanna let my emotions get out

Shinji thought about Asuka, how she was just laying there in one of the dozens of beds in the hospital. Endless, analogous chambers filled with illness, injury and the smell of death and medical cleanser. Asuka deserved more than that.

Still, Shinji couldn't bring himself to return to that room.

It scares me to look at the world.

Don't want to find myself lost in your eyes.

He remembered what Kaji had said.

…You have something you can do. The only thing you can do. Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and make the decision by yourself. Think about what you have to do now. Think about no longer having any regrets…

That was a load of bullshit. Life was regret for Shinji. Without regret, there was nothing to his life. Nothing else existed. Not for Shinji. He had been dealt a blank hand, not given a chance. Kaji had told him to defend the world. And even now, Shinji could not decide whether the world was worth defending.

I tried to drown my past in gray.

I never wanna feel more pain.

What Rei said had scared Shinji beyond comprehension. He was scared of what he worked in, this whole facility. If such things as what Rei had described were to take place, then Shinji wanted to be miles and miles from this place called NERV.

But that just made him feel guiltier. Because, while he left, others would stay.

Ran away from you without saying any words.

What I don't wanna lose is love.

The only thing he could think of doing would be to take everyone he care for and hightail it for another continent somewhere, maybe even alien world. Heck, as long as Shinji was imagining things, why not just get rid of NERV and his father all together? He and his friends deserved that much.

These thoughts poured through Shinji's head as he traversed in the endless sea of chaos that was NERV. Why was he still in this hell? Because if he left they would capture him, and if he managed to escape the capture, then he would still have to live with the guilt of leaving his friend behind.

Through my eyes, time goes by like tears.

My emotion's losing the color of life.

What good was Shinji's life anyway? People around him could hurt him too. Asuka hurt him. Kaworu had hurt him. Rei, in a way, had hurt him. What was the point of living then? No more Eva piloting was needed. And Shinji did not see the need to live for himself alone.

He wanted a purpose, but he could find none. He would always arrive at the same conclusion: Death. He would die one way or another. Would it be painful? Would it be scary? Would he dislike it at all?

Shinji heard loud footsteps coming from the halls. He had nestled himself under a set of stairs, grieving. And what the footsteps that the heard were drawing nearer, until he could put bodies to those footsteps. The faces, however, he didn't bother looking at. And the voices, he didn't care to hear again, despite how they would ring in nightmares to come.

"Third Child located. Proceeding with extermination."

They were UN military soldiers. Living out their lives as warriors. Puh. War was so pointless. Inevitable and utterly pointless.

"Don't hate me, kid," the green garbed soldier said, pressing a gun to Shinji's head.

"Go ahead," Shinji muttered slowly, not truly accepting the reality as is. "Do you think that I give a damn? This life is so pointless. You might as well end it for me. It was just a matter of time before I did it myself."

Kill my heart, release all my pain

I'm shouting out loud

The UN officer, his interest piqued by the Third Child's remorse, decided to give the boy some last words. Had he not been chatting with his fellow comrades in the days prior about how it was to be an Eva pilot, he would not have cared enough to do so.

"What is there to be gained out of life? What's there to enjoy? Why do I see everyone else enjoying their life, while I continue to suffer?"

Without moving, the boy continued.

"But that's not even true. I see people around me suffer as well, even more than me. That makes me feel guilty. And there are times when I can't even convince myself that there's nothing good to be seen. It's just so mixed up."

The UN soldier was getting bored, and was about to pull the trigger, when something occurred to the boy before him.

It just didn't matter anymore.

The whole point of life was lost. His life, and the life of everyone else in the world had no point. He saw that every one around him suffered the same things as he did. And for that reason, and for the reason that was simply his pent up, undying rage, a single option was left to him.

Shinji suddenly burst. His hands grabbed for the officer's gun before he could think. Twisting it in the man's hands, he aimed it backwards, and pulled down on his trigger finger.

BANG!

The life of the soldier seeped out of him, as he slumped on top of the Third Child.

The other soldiers opened fire with their individual weapons. But the crumpled soldier atop of Shinji protected him. With two shots, he had killed both of the soldiers.

Shinji stood up, his eyes no longer focused. It was as if he were possessed by something. He reached down and retrieved the soldier's weapons off of them. Pocketing two handguns and slipping two Uzi's in his belt, he held one of each in either hand.

Slowly, he proceeded through Central Dogma.

Insanity takes hold over me!


Turning away from the wall.
Nothing I can see.
The scream deep inside,

Reflecting another person in my heart.
He calls me from within:
"All existence you see before you
Must be wiped out-
Dream, Reality, Memories, and Yourself."


Misato did not believe her eyes. She recalled raising Shinji throughout the past year and a half they had lived together. And this was not him.

This was not him.

He was destroying everything in his path. His accuracy was as perfect as a falcon, his mercy nonexistent. He was like a madman, blowing away everything in his path. Men fell and died, and he kept shooting until they were dead. If he ran into a single enemy, he let out a single shot with his handgun before his enemy could blink. And if he ran into a group, he unloaded his Uzi, and took them all out before they could take a shot.

Shinji had taken a bullet to the arm and the shoulder, and he hardly paid it head. Misato was right; this was not the Shinji she knew.

I begin to lose control of myself.

My lust is so blind, destroys my mind.

Misato almost dared not confront him. But she knew she had to. After Kaji… Ritsuko…Asuka…Shinji was all she had left.

"Shinji!" she cried, running up to him, as soon as the halls were clear of the exploding bullet fire.

Shinji just slowly turned around. He came face to face with her. And Misato gasped as she saw his face; his eyes. They were unreal. And his face show such little expression, that even Rei would have called it blank.

"Let me tell you something, Misato. We are evil. God hates us all, and we're all going to die before the sun rises tomorrow. God's will has taken over, and he seeks one man above all. It is the evil one, the antichristian overlord who is at the head of this very establishment. I am going to kill him, Misato. And I ask only that you get out of my way."

With that, Shinji continued his advance.

"Wait a damn minute!" Misato yelled, running up to him. Planting herself in front of him, she spread her arms. "Do you realize what you are doing?"

Shinji's face did not change, his eyes never dilated. They were as blank as stones.

"It is not Shinji you are talking to," he said.

Misato grabbed his shoulders. "I want you quit this crap, Shinji! Come to your senses!"

Shinji just smiled. The bantering before him meant nothing. He had the power of god by his side. And it was growing. At that point, he could read people's minds. And what he saw on Misato's mind surprised him. But it also left him with an advantage.

Before Misato could act, she felt Shinji approach her, seize the necklace bound around her neck, and press his lips to hers.

Her eyes flew open. Once a dream she had, and then that dream had made itself real. She just couldn't think.

Misato suddenly felt a sharp spike in her stomach. She looked down – and there was Shinji's hand, holding his gun at point blank to her stomach.

Misato began to lose her strength, and she fell over him, weighing him down. Misato stared, disbelieving what had just happened. The boy she'd grown to know and love had kissed her, breaking the bonds they had as boy and guardian – and then he just shot her.

Nobody can stop my turning to madness.

No matter how you try to hold me in your heart.

"Shin…ji…" Misato sputtered. "Wh…why…?"

Shinji gave no answer. Just a reply.

"Goodbye, Misato," Shinji said, his face unchanging, his eyes fixated on the path before him. "Maybe you and Shinji will meet in the next world."

And with that, he let her fall to the ground, snapping the necklace from around her, as he marched over her now lifeless body.

With no one to give orders, Dogma was losing badly. The commander was out of touch, preoccupied with the task that he had slaved over for years.


Asuka, now awake with all the explosions, had made the same decision that Shinji made for the time being. She had now about as much value in life as he did. No care any more. What good has caring about her own life done for her. She had done nothing but focus on her own life since being a child. But that had not stopped her fate from saying "Hey, y'know what, Bitch? You're still gonna fail!"

She'd had it. If trying to improve herself wasn't work, then what could she do?

Why do you wanna raise these walls?

I don't know the meaning of hatred.

She had wandered all the way into NERV central, without a destination in mind, no general direction, no desire to return to where she'd started and no ETA for a finish. But what she ran into at least took her mind of her own uselessness.

Shinji was making his way, taking his time, his pace unchanging to where he suspected his father to be. Asuka, having no clue as to what was going on, called out to him.

"Hey, Shinji."

Shinji looked to her. And Asuka saw his dead eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong with you, Shinji? You look all deadpan."

Shinji approached her gradually, maintaining the same pace as before. "Why are you not in your Eva?"

Asuka spat. "Because I can't drive that thing any more, you idiot!"

Shinji shook his head. "This time, it will be different. God has asked that we aid him in his destruction of humanity. The angels that you've fought should be proof enough of that. He's willing to forgive us for killing his stewards if we aid him in the elimination of mankind."

My brain gets blown away hearing words of lies

I only want to hold your love

Asuka did not grasp half of that. Assuming it was more of Shinji's mindless ramblings, she shook it off. "Whatever. What are you doing anyway?"

Shinji did not answer. Instead he asked another question.

"Will you, or will you not pilot your Eva?"

Asuka shook her head. "No. Not a force in the world will get me back in that machine!"

Shinji raised his gun. And Asuka gasped.

"Hey! What are you doing with that thing?"

Shinji did not so much as acknowledge her.

"Then you are to be destroyed."

A shot rang out throughout Dogma. And another soul lay dead on the ground.


Stab the dolls filled with hate.
Wash yourself with their blood.
Drive into the raging current of time.
Swing your murderous weapon into the belly:
"The earth."
Shout and start creating confusion.
Shed your blood for pleasure.
And what? For love?
What am I supposed to do?


Rei needed no time keeping device, no schedule of events, no memo or beeper to tell her of what was going on now. She knew what came next. And the haunting footsteps of her creator drew nearer. She both dreaded and was excited about what came next. Everything was about to end. And everything was about to begin.

"The time for which you were created draws near," said the commander, as calmly as only he could.

Rei did not reply. Instead, she stood there, bare as a newborn babe, and followed him to her grave.

I believe in the madness called "Now."

Past and future prison my heart.

She could feel everything around her now. Her AT field had been steadily growing for the past few days, and now, in its final hour, it was beyond imagination.

She could feel Shinji, and what he was doing. She felt God's will instilled in him, commanding him to kill as many humans as possible, and helping him along with way. And of course, she knew of another soul who had intended on this happening.

Hiding from those around her, Ritsuko was embedded within the crevices of the Magi, one of many within the super computers. And within her confines, she was hysterical with herself.

"Gendo will be implementing his plans soon, mother. I'm going to need your help in this."

The computer had no immediate reply. Maybe it wanted to think it over.

"You're right," Ritsuko said, blank in her madness. "And the boy, Shinji, will become more of pawn than either of us were."

The computer remained silent.

Time is blind.

But I wanna trace my love.

On the wall of time, over pain in my heart.

"Yes, it's hard to imagine, but its true. He's managed to tap into his AT field. Since he in the best human pilot in NERV, he has reached this stage before anyone. And his AT field has allowed him to adapt perfectly to his environment. Seeing as though the UN is implementing their attack on NERV, the AT field will probably aid him in defending against them."

The computer still had nothing to say.

"Oh, I don't know. It might give him superior accuracy with a weapon, make him light on his feet. I just worry about what it will do to his heart. It may very well take it away."


Now it was a race to see who would reach Lillith first. Gendo knew the way, but Shinji was faster. And his AT field was rapidly increasing in power. It got to the point where he could crush thing in his path with it, defend against anything, and hover through the air. He no longer needed weapons; he was a weapon.

Art of life, insane blade stabbing dreams.

Try to break all truth now.

He could feel where Lillith was now. It was like the call from his mother. It was his mother, really. Lillith and Rei were both down there. Now all that was missing was Unit 01.

Shinji smiled. Actually smiled. It was the first expression he had made for hours. Unit 01 would come when she was needed. And she would be used to finish the job.

Soon, Shinji was burrowing through layers and layers of flooring, heading straight to Lillith. He had to stop the luciferous being that was his own father.

All the pain his father had caused. All the wrong he had done, all the lives his father had ruined. All of it would end.

But I can't

Heal this broken heart in pain

And suddenly, it was a matter of five feet of metal between him and Lillith, which was nothing for an AT field. It was ripped open in moments, and there below him was the mother of all beings. And farther below still was the disbelieving Gendo Ikari. He was watching his own son float down with an orange aura, and come to a rest standing on the LCL between Lillith and the monster.

"Shinji!" Gendo cried out. "What are you doing!"

Shinji was glaring now. His eyes were ablaze, still bank, but now every angry.

"I'm doing what I should done the moment I had the chance to."

Gendo glared, and whipped out his weapon, and let the shots fire. The bullets started out going super fast, but began slowing down as they neared Shinji, and suddenly propelled away from him at the same speed. His AT field didn't even need to be active for him to repel bullets now.

"You have done a great evil in your time, Gendo Ikari. You are unforgivable, heartless, selfish and inhuman beyond doubt. You have no further right to live in this world. And it is time for you die."

No sooner had he said that, when the hole in the ceiling that Shinji had made began excessively larger, as Unit 01 fell through to the bottom. She landed right behind Shinji, splashing water onto his AT field, draining off of an invisible shield. As she landed, he legs bended, and he head arched towards Gendo.

Gendo managed to let out a gasp of fear, before Eva unit 01's horn split his chest in two.

Cannot start to live, Cannot end my life.

Keep on crying.

Gendo slid off of Unit's 01's horn and onto the ground next to Rei, who had simply watched nonchalantly. Like she had expected that all to happen.

Shinji looked up and saw Ritsuko, standing there with a blank smile on her face.

"So, I was right. I never thought you'd make it this far, though. Unfortunately, I really don't want the world to end, for the sake of the people living here."

She held up her remote control to the destruction of the Magi. But second before she pressed the button, it exploded in her hand.

Ritsuko gasped, pulling her hand away. She then stared at Shinji.

"Oh, god, why didn't I see? It was always god's intention to start impact. I thought, for a moment, that you had come to save us all. But I was wrong. God cares nothing for humans."

Shinji just smirked. "Do you?"

Ritsuko shuddered. Then, she began to howl in laughter.

Shinji raised his hand, palm up, as Gendo's gun floated over to it. Clutching it, he rose to Ritsuko's laughing face, and sent the last remaining bullet into Ritsuko brain.

He paid it no mind at all. He simply returned to his original stance and watched his mother's work.

Unit 01 stood up on her own, and positioned her hand over Gendo. Gendo's right hand seemed to rise on its own, until his flesh began to disintegrate, leaving the embryonic Adam rising to Unit 01's palm.

Unit 01 clutched her hand shut. Standing up straight, she turned to Lillith, who has likewise been merely a watcher in this exchange, and Unit 01 thrust her hand into Lillith's chest, and released Adam into her.

Close my eyes.

Time breathes, I can hear.

All love and sadness melt in my heart.

Rei's expression dropped. Lillith had received Adam directly. That was not supposed to happen – Rei was the supposed to be carrier. But that was the case only for the commander to be reunited. This way, all she could do was watch. Watch as her purpose was lost and her sole objective in life was swept away. She now regretted saying those things to Shinji, for she knew now that it was her words that drove him to this..

"Shinji," she muttered, knowing he could hear her. "What have you done?"

Shinji, however, did manage to hear her.

"I have performed God's will."

Rei looked at him, now angry. "You have taken away my purpose."

Shinji shook his head. "The purpose of that evildoer? That is no purpose. I always wondered why you never valued yourself, but now I see why. You should have no value in yourself if you followed such a man."

Rei breathed in. What was he saying? That she was doomed to failure from the very beginning?

"If that's the case, then kill me," Rei said.

Shinji sighed. "I have killed many humans beings this eve. But I cannot kill you. You are of Angelic blood. And god forbids me to slay another Angel. For you are an Angel, Rei, in every sense of the word. The real Shinji was in love with you, Rei, did you know that? Of the three women that meant the most to him, you ranked above all. And if you come with me, I'll let you have your little Shinji back when it's all over. For you two will be the only ones left alive."

Dry my tears.

Wipe my bloody face.

Rei could not respond, nor could she do anything. She could only watch as Lillith fell from her stand and began growing into something that would end the world. She could only watch as Shinji took her by the hand and left her into the entry plug of Unit 01. And she could only watch as the world ended.


I wanna feel me living my life…

Outside my walls.

You can't draw a picture of yesterday, so

You're painting your heart with your blood.

You can't say "No"

Only turning the wheel of time

with a rope around your neck.

You build a wall of morality and take a breath

from between the bricks.

You make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them.

You're trying to commit suicide.

You're satisfied with your prologue,

Now you're painting your first chapter black.

You are putting the scraps of life together,

and trying to make an asylum for yourself.

You're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage,

And you are trying to kill me.


Shinji, along with Rei, riding his legendary war machine, rose from beneath the Earth to encounter the white demons of heaven. The last of the Angels had fallen, now all that heaven had to offer were eyeless devils, baring deadly scathes, each with the power to transform into the lance of Longinus.

But Shinji was not focused on these white Evas. They were as much of pawns as he was, even more so, since they had no free will. No, what Shinji was focusing on was something he had not been expecting.

Kaworu.

I believe in the madness called "Now"

Time goes flowing, breaking my heart

How and why, Shinji did not know. Nor did he know if he should regard this new inquisitor as a friend or as a foe.

"I wish to speak with Shinji," Kaworu said from outside the mecha. "The real Shinji."

Shinji thought about that for a while. Finally, he turned around and looked at Rei, who had been sitting behind the seat in the entry plug.

"Wait here."

The entry plug unscrewed and opened, and Shinji drifted out, supported hundreds of feet in the air by his AT field.

Finally, he was face to face with Kaworu.

"I do not wish to let the real Shinji take control of this body for now, because you know as much as I do that he would not survive the prospect of what has just occurred."

Kaworu shook his head. "I know that he will be pained, but I have to power to heal his pain. Let me speak with him."

Wanna live.

Can't let my heart kill myself.

Still I haven't found what I'm looking for.

Shinji finally gave up, and released his body power. Suddenly, he was a normal kid again, his AT field long forgotten. But that did not take away the realization of what he had done.

"Oh god…oh god…oh god…"

Kaworu did not let him fall. He held him up gently with his own AT field and smiled at him. "It's not what you did, it's what god did. You were simply his tool. There is no remorse in that."

"Oh god…oh god…oh god…"

Kaworu tried to lighten the mood. "For someone who does not believe in God, you certainly use his name a lot."

Shinji was not at all stricken. "What have I…I killed…I killed… Misato… Asuka… Ritsuko… Father…"

Kaworu floated over to Shinji and embraced him.

"I'm sorry that you hurt, Shinji. But try to remember. This is the right thing. People deserve to die, because in death, eternal bliss awaits them. You may not believe in heaven Shinji, but it is a truly magnificent place. That is why you killed everyone. You should especially be proud of sending your friends to the afterlife. They have suffered enough Shinji. And so have you."

Art of life, I try to stop myself

But my heart goes to destroy the truth

Shinji thought about that, as he returned Kaworu's embrace. He thought about the things he had done in his life, and how his will had been lost to this so-called God. What was in store for him?

"No."

Kaworu looked at him. "What?"

"True, those who I've killed will go to heaven. But I won't. I've sinned far too much for anything but Hell. And don't tell me it doesn't exist, because all people don't deserve to go to heaven."

Kaworu stared at him, before smiling.

"You're right Shinji. That is a very wise thing to say. But you, however, are special in this case. You have a choice. Once this is all done, you can go to Hell, where you can spend the rest of you life as miserable as you were mere hours ago…or you can remain here."

Shinji sniffed. "Talk about a no-win situation."

Kaworu sighed. "Anything's better than Hell, trust me."

Shinji looked at his old friend. "Where did you go, after I…killed you?"

Kaworu smiled. "Heaven, of course, where all Angel's reside. You see, Angel's never really die. To an Angel, living on Earth is like death. So when you "killed" me, you essentially brought me back to life – in heaven. In this case, God has decided to forgive the children of Eva for slaying his stewards."

Shinji cringed. "But what about me? I've taken too many lives to be accepted as a good soul."

Kaworu sighed. "And yet it was necessary. Far too much pain would have ensued otherwise, to you and to others."

Shinji started tearing up. "But Misato…and Asuka looked so betrayed…so hurt when I killed them."

Kaworu released his embrace. "All will be known to them once they reach heaven. Because once in heaven, everyone there knows what everyone there knows. Knowledge is collective amongst all. So people can't help but be understanding, helpful and kind."

Shinji sighed. "What does it matter? It's not where I'm going."

Kaworu crossed his arms. "Look at it this way: If you decide to stay here on Earth, at least you won't be alone. You have someone waiting for you."

Shinji looked up and realized that Rei was still in the entry plug. Giving one last look to Kaworu, he sighed.

"Will I ever see you again?"

Kaworu nodded. "Sure. I'll drop by whenever I can."

Shinji smiled. "And Misato? Asuka?"

Kawru frowned. "I can relay messages, but they cannot return themselves."

Shinji sighed. "I suppose it was a given."

"Yes."

"Goodbye, Kaworu."

"Goodbye, Shinji."

And with that, he returned to his formal state of being, and returned to the entry plug.

Tell me why.

I want the meaning of my life.

Do I try to live, do I try to love

In my dream?


Shinji, lead by God's will, orchestrated the ballet of Impact, and watched as hordes of human souls swirled into Lillith's body. The Shinji inside of him could not stand how she looked exactly like Rei. But then, she was part of Rei.

Soul after soul began losing their shape, and appeared in their true forms, as spheres of light, twirling through space.

It was like a nightmare. The Shinji inside could bear it no longer. His whole life, he had been taught that death was a bad thing. Everyone believed this. So how was he supposed to watch this and believe that it was a good thing?

Of course, the Shinji in control could hardly stop smiling.


I'm breaking the wall inside my heart.

I just wanna let my emotions get out.

Nobody can stop. I'm running to freedom.

Like a doll carried by the flow of time.

I sacrificed the present moment for the future.

I was in chains of memory half-blinded.

Losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams.


Finally, the toil stopped, and God released Shinji from his grasp. He smiled on his work, satisfied that the two people there would do as the next two Angels of Earth. He had much confidence in Rei, for she had outstanding discipline, a widespread knowledge, and a spiritual connection to the ethereal world.

Shinji, however, posses all the things she didn't excel in: Loyalty, companionship, spunk, and above all, love. It was love that he had that made him so important. He loved so much that it nearly killed on several occasions. It was his love that made Third Impact successful. It was his love that drew God's attention. And it was his love that made all this possible.


Close my eyes.

Rose breathes, I can hear.

All love and sadness melt in my heart.

Dry my tears.

Wipe my bloody face.

I wanna feel me living my life…

Outside my mind.

Dreams can make me mad.

I can't leave my dream.

I can't stop myself.

Don't know what I am.

What lies are truth?

What truths are lies?


Who knew how long Shinji had been sleeping? Days, weeks, months, years. Anything was a given. But eventually, he awoke. And even as he did, he knew that he would not like what he would see. But he inevitably awoke.

The world around him was savage, barren and desolate. Not even the wreckage of cities remained. The land was simply stripped of its humanity.

How could he have done this? How could this be the ultimatum of his every effort? Shinji found himself sympathizing with Asuka. He'd be frustrated too if everything he had to give amounted to nothing.

But no. Asuka was gone now. And so was Misato. They were dead. But they were in a better place, if anything Kaworu had said was true. And Shinji trusted Kaworu more than anyone.

That's when he snapped his head around. There was one more. One more person who should be there. Lying three feet away was Rei Ayanami, still asleep.

I believe in the madness called "Now."

Time goes flowing, breaking my heart.

Wanna to live.

Can't let my heart kill myself.

Still I haven't found what I'm looking for.

He went to wake her. He found his entire body was limp from pain and tire. He felt exhausted. He didn't bother to wonder why. He just dragged his limp form over to Rei, his strength seeping quickly. Though he had just awakened, he still could have slept for ages.

Which he did, about three second later, after he sat over Rei just along enough to see if she was all right. Seeing hope, he let his body rest, slumping on top of the sleeping girl.

It must have been days later when Shinji felt a soft touch on his shoulder. He raised his head and opened his eyes, and saw Rei's face, blank as white, but somehow, to Shinji, as beautiful as sunshine.

"Shinji?" she asked, not taking her eyes off him.

Shinji just nodded. "Mm…"

"We're both alive then?"

Shinji just nodded. He didn't feel like answering.

They just saw there for about half an hour; Rei was propped up with her arms behind her, with Shinji laying his head over her thighs.

Art of life, I try to stop myself

But my heart goes to destroy the truth

Tell me why

I want the meaning of my life

Do I try to live? Do I try to love?

Rei had on her plug suit and Shinji still wore his school uniform. It really didn't make a difference though. There were still far too many answers to be reached.

Rei finally tried talking again.

"Are you feeling alright?"

Shinji thought about that.

"Not really."

Rei didn't really know to make of that.

"Is there anything you need?"

Shinji finally mustered the strength to sit up. He sat back, positioned as Rei was on his arms. He pondered his situation. They were the only living things on the planet. The planet itself was as barren as a dessert. Destroyed buildings were everywhere. But then again, did they really need anything?

"I need an answer." Shinji said finally.

Rei tilted her head. "An answer to what?"

Shinji looked directly into Rei's eyes.

"Why?"

Art of life, an Eternal Bleeding heart.

You never wanna breathe your last.

Rei smiled. She smiled that same smile that Shinji loved so much, that reminded him of better days, when the people he loved were still around him. Though this entire event had destroyed his life, it had taught him the value of the people he loved.

"Because you are you, Shinji. It is because of what you are that things turned out like this."

Shinji drew in his breath. So it was inevitable. The truth behind why he had decided that humans deserved to die. It was him? Or was it something in him? A part of him, that suscepted to the will of God?

"Is that enough?" Rei asked him.

Shinji sighed in deeply. He wasn't afraid anymore. They were both angels in a barren wasteland that was the Earth. Who what was in store for them next?

Wanna live.

Can't let my heart kill myself.

Still I'm feeling for a Rose is breathing love…

In my life!

"Yes," Shinji replied. "That's enough."


Well, there's my fic. I've been an Eva fan for a long time, and an X-Japan fan for almost as long. X-Japan is a Japanese J-Rock band, which unfortunately broke up in the 90's. One of their most controversial songs was "Art Of Life," and it struck me with the same impact as Eva. So I decided to write this fic.

If you enjoyed it, read the continuum, "Unfinished," out now.

Read and Review.

I'm out.