Disclaimer: I make no profit from this because I DON'T own Digimon or any characters therein.

Warning: Some nice light and fluffy. Some very dark and abusive. Guess that covers it.

Author's Note: Yikes, long time bad author, ne? I hope you like the chapter. This is the second letter that Matt wrote to Tk. It remains in limbo with its brethren, waiting and hoping to be discovered before Matt has to suffer anymore. As to if, where, and when they might be found, only the author knows (that's me ;P). Be nice and maybe I'll let you in on it :)

Anyways, enjoy!!

Happy Birthday

Chapter V: Interlude

Happy Birthday, Tk,

    I wonder, is it still your birthday? I wonder if you were too upset with me to keep reading after my first letter. Maybe it's been a day, a week, a month, even a year since your birthday. Or maybe, you were so angry with me that you tore up these letters. Maybe you'll never read this. But I hope you do. There is so much I want to explain to you, so much you deserve to know.

    I guess I should start with summer camp since that's when things became so confusing. It's been a little over six months since we came home from camp and from the digital world. Six months…It's so strange how much has happened in that short period of time. I find myself thinking of camp and the digital world almost every day. And after six months, I still haven't been able to decide if that time was the best time of my life or the worst.

    When I arrived at the camp, I found it was pretty much what I expected. Girls who had no idea what personal space was and guys that thought a slap on the back was a good thing. This was mixed in with the usual arts and craps activities that summer camps are known for. Getting out of the stupid activities was easy. The camp counselors obviously didn't care if you joined in or not, just as long as you weren't making trouble. The other kids presented more of a problem for me, but not by very much. I was used to it after all, it was just like at school.

    School teaches you more than the homework does. One of the most important lessons I learned there was that it was dangerous to let anyone get too close. I also learned that friendship was just a word, an excuse to pry into someone's life. I didn't want friends. I couldn't allow anyone to get close enough to see anything, or to get too curious about me and Dad. I couldn't tell them the truth, Dad would just get angry and take it out on you or me. And I hate lying, so it's easier if people just don't ask.

    It's always been so easy to keep people away; snub a couple girls and glare at a few guys and they pretty much leave you alone. And that was just the way I wanted it. Of course, there was always some idiot who thought that he was exempt and ignored all the keep away signs, but at that point I could always just walk away. And I would.

    Maybe all of that just sounds like some sort of lame excuse to you. I guess it is. But there is a simpler reason for why I didn't like people near me. I don't know why it is that when you're hurt somewhere, everyone wants to grab you or hit you in that exact spot. And as angry as Dad had been, there wasn't much that didn't hurt. Before I left for camp, he told me not to tell anyone about my punishments and he made sure I understood him by beating it into me every night. There were times that I thought the two weeks would never end, but I knew it was worth it when I finally got to camp and saw you there.

    Do you understand? That was how it was, how it had to be. As long as no one touched me, I wouldn't hurt more.

    Of course, none of this applied to you, Tk. Cuts, bruises, broken bones, none of it mattered when you hugged me. There is no way I could deny you when you needed a hug, or when you needed to give a hug. It just felt so good to have you with me. The pain is always there, but when you're there too, I understand. At those times, even the pain feels good. It reminds me of why I'm still alive. You remind me. Sometimes I need that reminder.

    Now, if camp had just continued as it had started, I don't think I would be writing this letter. Everything would have just kept going on the way it had. When we went to the digital world, though, everything changed.

    I hated it there. I know you thought it was just one big adventure, but you didn't understand the danger. No, not the big, evil digimon, those I could handle. I don't think you saw it, I hope you didn't, I was trying so hard to keep my mask in place, but I was terrified. All of a sudden I was surrounded by these strange kids and, no matter what I did or said, I couldn't get away from them. I was so scared that someone would discover everything I was trying to keep buried. I didn't want anyone to know how bad I was, what dad did to me.

    I knew we had to stick together, and all that other nonsense, for the sake of safety. And I was willing to do it because I knew that you would be safer with them than without them. But it was so hard.

    Strangely enough, the danger didn't come from the girls. I don't know if it was because they were too scared of being trapped in a new world or if it was something else, but the girls never tried to flirt or approach me. I kept my distance from them and they did the same.

    The problem was with the guys. Well, I guess it wasn't the 'guys,' it was That guy, Taichi. Izzy was completely involved in his laptop and Joe was busy jumping at shadows, but Taichi seemed to want to make up for their inattention. That jerk was forever bugging me. I think he did it on purpose.

    I knew from the moment we arrived on the digital world that Tai was an idiot. I mean what kind of fool thinks that a small, pink puffball with no arms or legs can hurt him. I could hear him screaming long before we actually found him in that clearing.

    But I was proud of you, Tk. I don't think I told you that, did I. When Tsunomon and I found you, you were already happily playing with Tokomon. I've always been amazed at your ability to trust and make friends. Sometimes it really worries me, but I know it's okay as long as I'm nearby to protect you.

    My opinion of Tai only got worse the more time I spent with him. Just because he was always the loudest and was usually the first to speak, everyone seemed to follow him like he was some sort of leader. It didn't help that he seemed to work on impulse alone. The first thought that popped into his head would come flying out of his mouth. Usually his plans involved a huge risk and no actual gain.

    'Hey, everyone! Let's wander across the desert because we don't know what else to do.'

    Idiot. I wanted to walk away, just leave his sorry butt behind, along with anyone stupid enough to follow him. I almost did several times that first week. If you hadn't come to the digital world, I would have.

    But worse than the reckless ideas and the pointless attempts at leadership, was the fact that he didn't understand anything about privacy. I'm not just talking about my privacy, he didn't respect anyone's. I was ready to beat his head in when he was tormenting Gabumon that first night we spent in the digital world. I don't understand how he couldn't see that Gabumon wore his fur for a reason. People can be so blind sometimes. None of the other digimon wore any type of clothes or coverings. I knew right away that Gabumon was hiding something that was hurting him. There was no need to pry or hurt him by forcing him to show his pain. I know enough about hiding pain that I have no trouble recognizing and respecting it.

    Tai, however, never understood. He would tease Gabumon and pry into my life. He even had the gall to ask me what my relationship with you was, like it was any of his business how you and I are related. I just couldn't understand why he wanted to know any of that stuff.

    Everyday I listened to his loud voice as he told everyone what to do and every night I had to endure his teasing or prying. So what, if I didn't want to bathe in the river at the same time as the other guys? So what, if I liked to go off by myself sometimes? The teasing was bad enough, but it would have been worse if they had been giving me those wide-eyed, shocked looks I knew they'd have if I was dumb enough to let them see me. There was no way I would have been able to explain all the injuries I had.

    It was horrible. I couldn't be a part of the group, but they just wouldn't leave me alone. I know you could sense something was wrong. It's always been hard to keep things from you, staying one step ahead. You're such a smart kid, and I know you have gotten close to seeing behind my mask several times. So I tried not to let it bother me, tried to get along as best as I could. I didn't want to worry you. But it was just so hard, so confusing.

    Things changed gradually. Most of the others accepted how I was and I guess I got sort of used to having them around. And once my wounds had healed, I wasn't so afraid to let them get too close, physically, to me. But as I got more comfortable around them and stopped wandering off on my own so much, I noticed something else. I noticed that loud, irritating Tai had everything that I had forgotten that I missed. He was always smiling and laughing. In fact, he had no problems showing all of his emotions openly, whether it was anger, fear, or kindness. He had no reservations about his friendships with everyone. He was reckless, but would be the first one into any battle to protect the others. And worst of all, he was a much better big brother than I was.

    When I realized that, I hated Tai. I felt betrayed and useless. It was as if the last three years that I had spent with Dad were worthless because I didn't deserve you as a brother. I was no friend, no brother. I was the outsider, the loner. I was someone that people endured, but could never love. Nothing like Tai.

    The hate didn't last long, though, because I suddenly understood. Tai was a better big brother. You didn't need me, I was already too far gone. I was just a shadow of the brother you used to have. You deserved better. And now you had it.

    That's why I left you and everyone else, Tk. I know now that that was wrong. I know I hurt you and betrayed you. I guess I was too blinded by self pity at the time. And I think I was a little relieved. I thought it was all finally over. I had planned on going into the forest and dying. I didn't think it would be hard. After all, there was always some big, evil digimon hunting us.

    You must hate me so much. I don't blame you, I hate myself. I had made you a promise that I wouldn't die, that I'd be there as long as you needed me, but I was ready to break that promise. I thought you would be better off without me. You had Tai and the others and, in the digital world, there was no way that Dad could find you and hurt you. It really seemed like the best idea. And I think it would have succeeded if it weren't for Gabumon.

    I wonder, Tk, did I ever talk to you about Gabumon? Probably not. I never have been good about talking about what's inside. I doubt that that had changed at all before your eighteenth birthday. It's strange, I want to share what's in my heart, but I guess I'm afraid if I open it just a little for you now, I won't be able to keep everything from breaking out. You're still too young to hear everything right now, so I guess I'll have to be satisfied with the hope that you might someday read this.

    When I woke up on the digital world, the very first thing I saw was a little creature that looked like an orange gumdrop with a horn on his head. He wasn't doing anything, just staring at me from about a foot away. I wasn't afraid of him, after all, only an idiot would be afraid of something that didn't have arms to beat you with or legs to kick you with. In fact, in a way, he reminded me of you when you were a baby. He didn't say anything, but that was okay, I already knew that his name was Tsunomon. Just like he knew my name was Yamato.

    I've heard the word 'friendship' tossed around a lot lately, not surprising really, but that word didn't really describe what I felt at that time. I've heard lofty words like 'soul mate' or 'kindred spirit,' but those words weren't right either. When Tsunomon and I met, there was instant understanding. There was no need to learn about each other, because we already knew everything we needed to. There was no need for words, because just a glance would say everything we could possibly need to. And we knew what not to ask and when not to pry, the need to know would come with the other's need to talk. I think the only time he ever surprised me was when he digivolved to the next level for the first time. But I don't think I was any more surprised than he was.

    We shared everything, even protecting you. I wonder if you ever noticed…Each digimon could only digivolve to the next level to protect their chosen, right? Well, not exactly. Gabumon was different, he could digivolve for you. I never asked him to, never told him, but I didn't need to. He knew that I would die if something ever happened to you so he protected your life like it was my own. I could always depend on him.

    And when I thought you didn't need me anymore and I left you and the others, he followed me. And just as he always did, he stayed by my side. He told me that he would never leave me, that he would support me in anything that I did. If he hadn't chosen me as his partner, if he hadn't followed me into the forest, I would have died there. But with him at my side, I couldn't. I knew that if I died, he would just follow me. Just like he always did. I know I'm selfish, I didn't want him to leave me, but I knew that that was one time I didn't want him to follow me. I couldn't let him die like that, he meant too much to me.

    Instead, I went back and challenged Tai. Gabumon even fought against Greymon because he knew, in a way, I had something to prove. I know I worried you then. I 'm still not sure exactly what I wanted to prove. I think that part of me thought that if I beat Tai that it would prove that I was the better big brother. But there was a part that wanted Tai to win the fight. I think that I wanted him to kill me. In an odd way it would prove he was your brother, that he could protect you.

    In either case, the battle didn't resolve anything. I didn't win, I didn't lose. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I couldn't stay with everyone anymore. I was getting too close. I was starting to care about them. I know, I know, I'm an idiot. Too late, I already knew that. But at the time, I felt I could only care about one person. I worried that if I started to care about anyone else, that I wouldn't be there for you when you needed me. It was stupid and I know better now, but that is the only explanation I can offer.

    What a joke it was, being the bearer of the Crest of Friendship. I always thought it was more that they had a crest left over and I was the jerk that happened to be the last one picked. I mean, everyone else was so obvious. I didn't need to go to the digital world to find out that you were hope, Tk. You have been my hope every since you were born. A person would have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to see the hope shining through you everyday. Everyone matched their crests, everyone but me. Maybe it was given to me out of pity, an offering to try to teach me what a friend truly was.

    Well, it took me a while, Tk, but I did learn. I watched over you and the others from a safe distance. And as I watched, I learned what friendship really was. I learned that the others cared for you and would protect you. Just like I gradually understood that they cared about me. I found myself trusting them, even thought I didn't want to. And I finally found that I understood what friendship meant.

    I think that you were the one that taught it to me. You showed me hope, showed me your trust and love of the others. It was because of you that Tai and I became best friends. I think we bonded because we're both big brothers. When we found out that Hikari was the eighth child, Tai finally understood why I was so protective of you. He understood what it was like to have someone he loved in danger. We sort of came to the unspoken agreement that we would always be big brothers to the two of you. I would be there for Kari just like he would be there for you.

    We all went through so much together, both in the digital world and when we fought to save our world. At the time, I even thought that we had saved more than the two worlds. Or rather, I thought that you had saved more. I thought that I had been saved as well.

    You see, when we bumped into Dad in the real world, he acted just like he used to. He was like he was before the divorce, before the pain. He smiled at me and at you. I felt like I had finally been able to make up for being so bad for all those years. I guess saving the world was a good trade for forgiveness.

    I had the dad I remembered from when we lived together as a family, I had you, and I had all the new friends that I made as we traveled in the digital world. For the first time in a long time, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live, to enjoy my life with my bother and my friends.

    And even as we said goodbye to our digimon, I thought it would be alright. I knew that we would probably never see them again and I was sad, but I had hope. I think Gabumon felt it, too. He let me go and, for once, didn't follow me.

    For the first time in a long time, I was happy. And for the last six months, I've believed that.

    Dad let me test into the school that Tai, Sora, and Izzy go to. The test was easy, but I knew it would be. When I first moved in with dad, things were bad and my grades really fell. Dad would get so mad at me. I started using all my spare time to study. I thought that maybe if I did better in school, he would stop hurting me. My grades improved, school became easy, almost boring, but it didn't stop him from hurting me. But none of that mattered anymore. The only thing I thought at the time was that all the studying had helped me pass the test and begin school with my friends. And even better was the fact that you went to school nearby.

    I really felt so alive. It was like I was finally shining with the light of friendship just like you had always shone with the light of hope. It was so much fun being with everyone. And best of all, I didn't have to hide anything. Dad had stopped hitting me so there were no mysterious bruises or wounds that I would have to explain away. There was no reason to tell you or the others about what had happened before, so I just concentrated on spending every minute I could with you guys.

    Maybe it was the best time of my life. Everyday, I laughed with friends. Everyday, I walked you home after school. I was a big brother again. I was a friend. I was alive.

    I wanted you to know that, to know that you changed so much inside of me. I know the others carried their crests, but I don't think the digital world really needed anyone other than you. I know I didn't. You gave me hope, expressed sincere love, and I could always rely on you for courage. You were the one that had the knowledge of friendship. And you shared all of this with me. If it hadn't been for you, I would have stayed lost in the darkness.

    I wish I had. It was all a mirage. I thought I had been drinking pure water, but I was actually choking on sand. It's my own fault really. I was dumb enough to forget everything I had learned. I let my defenses down, didn't watch for the signs that I used to be on guard for. I let myself think that I could enjoy the light. I don't understand how I could think that, the light was never something that I deserved.

    I was so stupid, but I didn't know it until last night. It started simply enough, I just didn't see it. Dad was home from work at a somewhat decent hour and I was just setting the table for dinner. He asked me how you were, how school was, and casually wondered how Garurumon was doing. If I had been paying closer attention, I might have seen why he was asking, I might have been able to figure out the right lie. I might have enjoyed my life for just a few more precious days or weeks. But I didn't. I told him that school was fine and that you were doing great. And I told him that I hadn't been in contact with Garurumon ever since the doorway between our world and the digital world had closed.

    That's when he laughed.

    I knew that laugh, it was wrong. Everything was wrong, but it was already too late. I tried to run, but he got between me and the doorway. He grabbed my arm and began to hit me. He slammed me onto the kitchen table, knocking the dishes to the floor. But I didn't even hear them shatter, all I heard was him. And he kept laughing.

    He told me I was stupid to believe that I was some kind of savior, that I had anything to do with saving the world. He told me I was too weak, that I was nothing without my big wolf to protect me. He told me he would teach me not to act so high and mighty. That he would teach me not to hide behind some freakish monster dog to escape the punishments I deserved. Then he asked me, if I liked dogs so much, did I want to be tamed like one.

    I tried to stop him. I fought against him. I screamed for him to stop. And in a moment of desperation, I cried out for you and my friends. No one came. No one helped me. No one saved me. Nothing stopped him as he tore me apart from inside.

    He laughed at me each time he hurt me. He laughed and asked if I knew where Gabumon was. He laughed at my screams, telling me that no one could possibly care about someone as worthless as me. I wish he had kept hitting me. I wish he had just killed me. Instead, he found my soul where it had been newly reborn and drowned it in blood and pain.

    You gave me hope, Tk; hope of life, of love and of friendship. If it hadn't been for the digital world, if it hadn't been for you and the others, my world would have continued as it had. I was used to the pain, Tk, it was supposed to be there. But you let my soul be reborn.

    I hate you, Tk.

    Oh, God, I'm sorry, Tk. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I'm sorry. I can't hate you. I couldn't hate you. Never. I love you, Tk. Never think that I don't love you. You could take my blood, my bones, my very soul, but I would never stop loving you. I'm sorry, Tk. I will always love you. I'm sorry.

    It's me that I hate.

    I know you didn't do anything wrong. You are hope and that's all there is to it. I can't hate you, you're my brother. You're my life and I won't forget it again. And I won't lose what you taught me. I will cherish every moment with you, Tai and all of my friends. I won't let dad break those bonds, they are too precious to me. I will cling to what you've given me. I will do my best to live, to be there for you. I won't abandon you again like I did in the digital world. I'll hold on until you don't need me, just as I promised I would. I will hold on until you're eighteen

    I don't know if you can forgive me. Do you hate me? Does Tai hate me? He's the first real friend I've had in a long time. Tell him…tell him…I don't know what to tell him. I know he hates me. He would have to. He probably thinks I abandoned you and the others. Please tell Tai, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Tell him, it's better this way. Tell him, this is all I wanted. Tell him, thank you for being my friend, because I will probably never tell him that.

    I hope you and Tai are still friends. I hope he is there for you. I know you probably need someone to lean on right now. I know I've only hurt you again. I'm sorry. Maybe if I never existed, things would have been better. Maybe you and mom and dad would still be together, would still be happy. If I could only erase myself, then you wouldn't have to suffer at all. But I can't do that, as much as I want to. I know I'm bad. I know I'm selfish. But I can't…I'm sorry, Tk, but I can't go on like this forever. I don't think I could last another week if I didn't hold on to some sort of hope. And the only thing I hope for is death.

    But as I promised, I'll hold on to you until you're eighteen. You are hope, Tk, and I will embrace you instead of death for as long as you need me. But, please forgive me, I had to let go. I couldn't hold on any longer. I loved you, Tk. I love you. Don't doubt it and never forget it. Please don't hate me for letting go.

                                                                    Even in death, I will always be,

                                                                                    Your aniki, Yamato

-----------------tbc

oo; So what did everyone think? (more tears?)

I thought it was interesting when I watched the series how everyone reacted to their digimon in a different way. I thought it'd be interesting to interpret those reactions. Tai's fear. Matt's easy acceptance, etc. Did anyone else notice that Matt's father seemed shocked and a little afraid of Garurumon the first time he saw him in the tv series. I did. Did everyone like the reasoning behind those reactions? I hope so.

Special Thanks to:

Ryou Moon: Thanks for the review. Sorry for the long delay, I hope it was worth it.

Yakari Taito: Glad to hear you liked the return to angst. I can only go so long without it ;P Hope you continue to enjoy the journey with me.

Fey Phantom: laughs Isn't it strange how happy we can get with angst and torture ;) I'm glad you liked the snow ball fight. Of course it was one sided. Do you think Matt would deign to throw a snow ball? Never! Giggles But Taichi would never let something like maturity or dignity stop him, ne? And you are definitely on track with poor Matt and his reaction to Tai and Tk. Things don't look to good for or bishonen, do they. I guess you'll have to wait till next chapter to find out if I really am evil enough to kill Matt off in mid-story winks

KazamaFangirl: giggling hysterically Ah…Heaven…Yes…Would I kill Matt? Would I kill Matt? Evil laughter inserted here Who knows. Maybe you should ask around, 'cause I'm not telling laughs Of course, I always enjoy an imaginative death threat. ;) but I do prefer my skin intact (I look much better with it) Hope you enjoyed the chapter (and the suspense because I haven't told you what happened to Matt yet) I'm so evil ;P

Umi: I'm glad you have been pulled in. I am doing my best, but sometimes that's still pretty slow. Stick with me. I hope you won't be disappointed.

Syaoran-Lover: Wasn't that a fun cliffie. And the best part is, I gave you a chapter and still left you hanging off of the same cliff MWAHAHAHA I do think that part of love and friendship is seeing into the ones you love, sort of a deeper understanding. Matt's a quiet thoughtful person, so it only makes sense that he would have, I guess studied is a good enough word, his friends. I also think that Tk follows after Matt in a lot of respects, so therefore he would have a lot of the same insights as his brother :) I'm very glad you thought the moment in the apartment was well done. I'm trying to be subtle about something that is really a dark and offensive topic. But I don't want that to take away from the pain in Matt. If anything, I want it to enhance it. I also want everyone to act believably in the situation, as if it were real. Sadly, that is the reality for some people. As for why Matt's father still abuses him, that's easy. I'll even tell you because I am thinking of leaving it unspoken in the story. Rape and abuse are about power. Their father targeted Tk at first because he thought he would have more power over the younger brother. Unfortunately for Matt, he learned he has more power over the older brother by using the younger brother. And someone who rapes and abuses never stops. They can't. They are like junkies that have a craving, a need, for power. Did you ever hear of a child molester that only molested one child once. That is someone that doesn't exist. I hope that explains it.

Amanda: Why only hurt the ones we love, ne? ;) I'm glad you liked the return to overt angst. It pretty much remains strong from here on out. At least it will when I have time to update. Catch ya next chappie.

Destiny: laughs I always thought the true test of a good story is if it takes me through all my emotions. I laugh, cry, rejoice and grieve with the characters. I hope I can bring that to this story. It always makes me so happy to here that someone read my story and really felt for the characters. Thanks!

CharmedBookworm: giggles Glad you liked the blood and stuff. As for Matt….yeah, you could say he might be hurt. You could say he might be dead, but you'd have to wait until next chapter to find out ;P

Yamatoforever: Very good!! You found the underlying story. (at least part of it.) The moment of truth is definitely at hand. The only problem is how much truth will Matt's friends really learn. Matt's hid so much from them, do you really think they'll figure it all out right away. Will they figure it out in time? Better come back and find out! laughs

Blue Tajiri: smiles Yeah! I'm glad you're enjoying it. Matt angst is the best, ne? And thanks for the review on my old story. With You is about the closest I've come to shonen ai. And I'm always glad to hear when someone enjoyed it. Did you read it because you were frustrated with the long wait O.O;; Whatever the case, glad you liked it. (Check out the my other Naruto fic if you get bored, it's very dark and bloody)

Oola: All good things come to those that wait? Patience is a virtue? Heaven can wait? Good enough reasons? Laughs I know, I'm sorry. It's hard to wait, ne? I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even after the long wait ;P

Merlraven: Poor Matt, I do seem to be tormenting the poor guy. I sure hope he survives. Don't worry, I will keep going until it's done. Stick with me.

Michael-gasparutti: giggles You don't really expect me to answer those questions, do you? It would ruin all the fun. I guess you'll just have to wait and see. Don't worry, all the questions will be answered before I'm done. But I may leave you with a new one ;P

Drea: smiles A new chappie. Definitely. I don't think people would be kind enough to leave reviews for a what. Laughs I know, I know, I'm so slow. So sue me….Wait, you can't mwahaha Thank god for disclaimers ;P Hope you enjoyed. Catch you next chappie!!

Well, that's it for tonight. The next chapter will pick up where the last chapter left off. Well, sort of. Please, come back and find out what happened to Matt. And don't forget to leave a nice long review ;) (Maybe if I make it to a hundred reviews I'll update faster) laughs I'm being pitiful, ne? Don't worry, I'll still update, even if I don't get any reviews ;P