Chapter 7 Despair

The twins stayed in the Mirkwood palace for a couple of days, but they were restless and they wanted to continue looking for their lost little brother. At first they had only thought the young man had taken a small trip in to the woods to be alone and clear his thoughts, but as the days, became weeks their worry mounted. Estel should have already returned home when the twins left to search for him, but he hadn't. Before they left Elrond had promised to send a messenger-bird to them, should Estel return before them. Each day, they looked hopefully in to the sky, but no bird had arrived and Estel seemed to have vanished into thin air.

The twins still didn't know why he had run, but they desperately wanted him back. A voice in their hearts urging them on telling them that Estel needed them.


"Legolas…" Elladan said softly, halting the prince in mid-step. "It is so good to see you again." He was stalling and he knew it. "It has been so long and we have longed to see you, to spend time with you…" He looked pained, catching the prince's eyes hoping Legolas would understand.

"You wish to leave; you wish to search for Estel." The prince nodded in understanding.

The twins still hadn't told him who Estel was, they were probably too preoccupied to think about the fact that Legolas didn't know him. Legolas didn't need to know who this man was though; he was a person who meant a lot to the twins and who was currently lost. That was all that mattered to Legolas.

Elladan nodded mutely. He wished to stay in Mirkwood and enjoy the company of his old friend, 'but it' was just not possible right now. He could not enjoy his time here in Mirkwood; not when Estel was lost. His mind could concentrate on little else.

Legolas saw the sadness in the Peredhil, had seen it in them both for days actually, he just wished to help them. "I will go with you," he offered.

Elladan looked wearily at him, "You don't need to do this Legolas; he is our brother, our responsibility."

Legolas barely managed to hold himself still as this new piece of information was presented to him, but he would not press Elladan for more, not when the other elf was so clearly distraught.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to." He smiled encouragingly at his friend. "We will find him, you'll see"

"Thank you," Elladan murmured; as the two continued on their way to the hall to eat dinner.


The next morning at first light, they rode out.
They had been given provisions that would see them through the summer, should the search take so long. Should it take longer they would have to return to Mirkwood and wait for the spring to come.


On the way to the courtyard from the stables they walked so closely by the wall in which the window to Estel's cell was set that they could have easily heard him, had he made a single sound.

Aragorn heard them, their horses' hoofs softly scraping against the earth and the elves' melodic voices in the wind, but he made no attempt to contact them. He was not sure he could stand one more rejection –it was too much for him to bear. A single tear escaped his eyes but he quickly brushed it away with the back of his hand; he would not allow himself to feel anymore and he was angry at himself for this slip in control.

Stupid, stupid me, he berated himself. You can't even control yourself; cannot even keep a promise to yourself! No wonder they want nothing to do with you…

With that he started crying, not one tear, but many, and all the time he hated himself even more for each one of them. They were evidence of his uselessness, of his weakness.

At last he fell asleep, tears still seeping out from under his eyelids. He was too exhausted to stay awake. When he woke again, he didn't even remember why he had been so sad, why he had cried himself to sleep last night. The old Estel seldom came up to the surface, as if to see if the pain was gone, only to be disappointed and withdrawing once again into himself. But each time he did this, it became harder to forget, harder to withdraw, and more and more time was spent as Estel, in heartache and pain.


"It's in vain," Elrohir whispered.

They had just this very day visited yet another village, and once again they had been disappointed. They now sat in their small camp, a fire glowing brightly in front of them, but they did not notice.

Elrohir sat cradled in the arms of his brother. Elladan had always been the strong twin, the one to bear them both through, but he was not sure how much longer he could continue to do this. This fruitless search was beginning to take its toll on him as well. They didn't speak much during the day, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Elladan realized that he had taken too long to answer, and looked down in his little brother's weary eyes. "It's not in vain, 'Ro. We will find him." We have to, he added silently to himself.

Legolas hated to see his friends like this; they seemed so lost. This human, their brother, he corrected himself, must really be quite special. Otherwise, he would not have been able to creep into the hearts of these two ancient beings so quickly and surely. Legolas was almost angry with the human for leaving the brothers that so obviously cared so much about him. How could the human do that? Legolas thought angrily. This man had better have some very good reason to hurt his brothers so much Legolas thought.


Elrond paced his study, worry for his youngest eating at his heart. He had replayed the last time he saw Estel over and over in his head, but he just couldn't remember what Estel had said, how Estel had looked, and how he had reacted. Elrond was disgusted with himself for his lack of attention to his son. He was sure the answer to the mystery of Estel's disappearance was to be found there, in that conversation. How could he have been so blind? Why had he not seen… seen… well seen whatever it was that had made Estel run away?

If anything happened, Elrond could never forgive himself. You do not deserve a child like Estel. He threw at himself and readily accepted the blow that those words inflicted upon his heart.

He was far harder on himself than any one else could possibly be.

How could you be so egoistic as to only think about yourself? He needed you then but you did nothing, you let him down. And now he's gone

Elrond walked out onto the balcony, trying to find a way to distract himself from his self-hatred before he managed to shatter his own heart with it. He gazed up at the clear night sky where stars stood out clearly; blessing the night with their light. The stars never fail, unlike me, he thought sadly and then softly whispered, "Please shine for my son, please give him hope."
Somewhere far from there a star twinkled, trying to reach out to a hurting boy in a cell under the ground.

But Estel did not see it; his small window did not allow the star's light in and so for one more night, a small figure in a cell far underground cried himself to sleep.

TBC

I know I'm evil, but I promise to continue soon...

To those who reviewed: Thank you so much, it really makes my day to hear from you.