A/N: Arghh, I couldn't really incorprate any funniness into this chapter... so I settled for anything I could fit in. What a a set up for disaster... or is it... muhuhhuhahaha. Anyways, from now on, there is a two year time jump. Why? I don't know. And also, you may notice over use of elipses throughout the story. Why? Once again, I don't know.
The Life of Orochimaru:
Today was conveniently perfect conditioned for me to do something exiting. The winds blew at speeds of which felt like gentle breezes, the clouds blocked out the sun merely enough to prevent over-exposure, and there were no bad weather conditions what so ever. It was perfect.
However, despite such fabulous weather, I stayed at home. I had decided to waste my ever so precious time -of which could've been spent achieving something productive- for doing something un-productive and more or less utterly useless. Why? I just felt randomly tempted to do such things. One must never deny his instincts.
And so, what did I decide to do that was more or less utterly useless? Practicing my Hokage speech of course. Now, if you are thinking that this isn't the most useless thing in the world, you are WRONG! I have ninety-seven strong points and one hundred twenty-two weak points to prove that practicing my Hokage speech is, infact, utterly useless. So there! And I'm not bluffing, I've spent three full weeks writing points about this. Wanna hear some? I'm not afraid to waste my precious time naming 219 points about why practicing the speech is useless. But since I've already proven my point, I'll proceed to practicing my speech... of which is the most utterly useless thing to do... even more or so than telling you about the 219 points I've compiled.
Anyways, I cleared my throat and began my speech.
"Dear fellow residents of..." I cleared my throught again.
"Dear fellow residents of Konoha! From this day forth, I am named as Yondaime! And as long as I stand... or sit... or even if I lie down... no harm will come to this village. This is my duty from now on, and I assure you, I will achieve to the best of my abilities. And lastly, it pains me greatly to say this, but you can no longer call me... Oro," I twitched a little. "I'm sure many of you have become used to this but it just can not happen. A Hokage must be seen as a leader and a leader must be adressed with full respect. You will thus call me: OROCHIMARU-SAMA!"
I suddenly noticed a jounin standing at my door. Oh my God, how long was he there? He must be thinking I'm crazy, talking to myself and all. Double Oh my God! I was talking to myself! What kinda freak am I?
Then again, lots of people talk to themselves right? Right? RIGHT? Well, I wasn't really talking to myself anyways... just practicing a speech... but would the jounin realize that? Or will he go on thinking I'm a freak?
"Oro-san," the jounin addressed.
"Yes..." I said while gritting my teeth.
"Please report to the Hokage for a mission."
"Alright," I said. It was then I decided to ask if he heard me talking to myself. "Did you hear?"
"Hear what?" the jounin asked.
"You know, 'the stuff'," I said, not relaying too much information because he might not know and I don't want to accidentally tell him.
"What stuff?" the jounin said with a suspicious look.
"You know, the stuff with the Hokage and stuff," I said.
"What are you talking about?" he started to laugh.
Is this guy laughing at me? "Come on, you know, the Hokage and cough speech cough and stuff," I tried again.
"Pardon?"
"Alright, be honest. Did you or did you not hear?" I repeated.
"Don't think I did," he said, stroking his non-existent beard.
"Quit messing with my mind!" I shouted. "Did you or did you not hear? Give a straight answer!"
"I didn't?" he tried nervously.
It was then I realized I coulda just asked a simpler question. I inwardly smacked myself for not thinking of it earlier. "OK, I'll rephrase. How long were you standing at my door?"
"Not too long?" he responded still nervously. Sweat was starting too build on his face.
"And how long is 'not too long'?" I continued to question.
"Um... 2 minutes?" he said.
Ah well, I guess that's the best answer I'll get out of him. "Alright, you can go now."
"Uh, may I ask what that was all about?" he said.
"Sure."
"What was that all about?" he asked.
"It's classified information," I said.
"Oh I get it," he said. "This is some kinda testing... right?"
Damn, jounins take so long to leave. "Yah..."
"So did I do well?" he asked, staying in the same spot he was 5 seconds ago.
"Moderate."
"Is that in the high moderates or the low moderates?" he asked yet another question.
"The high moderates," I started getting really annoyed. Then, I thought of something better. "But you better leave and get back to duty or that high moderate will drop to a low moderate."
"Alright, bye," he said and left... finally.
Jounins always take so long to leave. They always want to be sure about everything.
Anyways, I promptly left to see the Hokage. Around ten minutes passed and I arrived at the Hokage's office. I decided to wait seeing as Sarutobi-sensei was talking to a jounin. And since it was a jounin, I made myself comfortable and found a chair to sit back and relax on.
I looked towards the botanic plant I had first encountered two years ago. We had become friends recently... but he was still pretty much a loner despite me hanging out with him. But this time, 'planty' looked different... there was something new about him. Then, looking harder, I realized there was another plant beside it. Awww, planty finally decided to stop the anti-social attitude. I knew he would eventually warm up to others.
I was about to congradulate him when I realized the two were having a romantic conversation. Whoops, shoulda realized that the other plant was female. Kinda hard to tell, but now that I look harder, thats one hot plant. Not that I'm intrested or anything, girls aren't really for me... ewww, wrong choice of words... but you better not be thinking anything wierd. I'm perfectly straight... as far as I know... not that I'm against unstraightness or anything.
Anyways, seeing as I didn't want to invade planty's privacy, I looked away. So, now I'm just sitting here waiting patiently for the jounin to finish speaking to Sarutobi-sensei. Notice how I use the word 'to' instead of 'with'? This implies that the jounin is the only one talking. Yes, as you should realize, poor Sarutobi-sensei is doing nothing but listening to the verbal diaheria. However, I continued to wait patiently.
Thirty-five seconds passed... still talking... fifty-seven more seconds passed... hurry it up... twenty-three seconds later... oh my goodness, that's one annoying jounin... yet another twenty-three seconds passed... This. Guy. Is. Very. Annoying.
I don't know how, but I managed to wait for the extra, seven hundred, ninety-two seconds that followed. Can you believe it? Seven hundred, ninety-two seconds. That's a lot of seconds of my life to waste just because of some jounin. And to think I use to look up to them.
Anyways, the jounin at last left and I finally got to recieve my mission. What the fff? It's an A rank mission! I'm a frickin' chuunin for goodness sakes... and I'm doing it alone! However, before I could question Sarutobi-sensei about this, he explained to me.
"Well, I'm sorry for you to be put in this dangerous situation, but you see... well... Jiraiya seemed to have this grudge against the Hidden Stone... and apparently... he got the Tsuchikage really mad... I mean REALLY mad... so basically, we're now at the threat of a World War."
"Oh," I nodded. "So that means you're reserving the jounins in case of emergency."
"Yes," Sarutobi-sensei confirmed. "Though they're really annoying, jounins are the best we got."
"I see..." said I. "So if we went to war with the Hidden Stone, there will commence a multi-chain reaction of which will cause all the nations to join in... correct?"
"Yes," Sarutobi acknowledged. "Your observations skills amaze me."
"Thanks," I... you know, thanked.
"So do you understand your mission?" Sarutobi sensei asked.
"Yes, I am to escort Hasaki Jun directly to the Mizukage within four days. Her protection is necessary to keep peace between our two nations and I understand that there will be high level encounters throughout the mission."
"Very well... even though I know you're only a chuunin, I trust in your abilities," Sarutobi encouraged.
"So, where is this Jun that I'm supposed to escort?" I asked.
"Oh... right..." Sarutobi sensei nodded. "Wait here." He then gave a few commands to his followers, and went back to paper work.
With that, I was left waiting... until a woman... supposedly Jun entered the room.
What the? Holy Crap! This Jun person is like BIG. I mean, huge - no frickin' gigantic. Oh my effffing chickens.
"Is that her?" I asked, hoping it was sooooooooo not true.
"Yah," Sarutobi-sensei said, not even bothering to look at who I was refering to.
"Are you sure?" I said. "I mean look at her."
"Positive," he responded.
"But the only way to escort her to Hidden Mist within four days is for me to carry her right?" I asked.
"Yes..." he said in a 'duh' tone.
"How do you expect me to carry that!" I said pointing towards Hasaki Jun.
Sarutobi at last turned to see Jun.
His eyes widened and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Holy SHIT!" he swore ever so un-Hokagely like. He then proceeded to continuously swear in profane sentences until I finally decided to do something.
I slapped Sarutobi-sensei square across his face.
That seemed to calm him down. "Thanks," he... well... thanked.
I didn't blame him for his earlier reactions... anyone would've done that. All I know is... this is going to be a tiresom mission. I'm not fit to carry 800 pounds.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
A/N: Muhuhhuhhahahaha! I'm so evil... well... not really.
Random Comment: Damn, I so strongly dislike stubbing my toe. Just got one several minutes ago as I entered my room. Poor me... and Orochimaru... we have so much in common... Ewwww, you people don't get any ideas...
