A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Anyways onwards...

The Life of Orochimaru:

Silent breezes blew through the forest as I traversed through it while carrying the 'somewhat heavy' Jun on my back. OK, who am I kidding, it was the 'extremely heavy' Jun.

"Hey, can't you go a little slower? My hair is getting ruined," Jun whined, completely interrupting my narration of what I was currently doing.

"Sorry, but we have to go fast in order reach Hidden Mist within four days," I replied.

"Well too bad for you," Jun pouted. "I don't want to ruin my beautiful hair."

I immedietly stopped.

'My Orochimaru' senses are tingling.

"Not that slow," Jun complained again.

"Shhh," I shushed her. "Be quite... assasins are coming." With that, I put her down carefully.

"EEEEEKKKK!" She shouted as soon as I put her down. "OH NO! ASSASINS!"

The sudden shrieking caused me to drop the kunai I was holding. Sheesh, since when did 'be quite' mean shout as loud as you can? I tried to calm Jun down but apparently, she was set on shrieking for the next thirty-two minutes... sooooo I just prepared for battle. I reached for another kunai... and... there was nothing.

Oh crap, I forgot, I only brought one kunai to minimize the weight.

I looked towards my dropped kunai which coincidentally, was right underneath Jun... who was in a crouching positon and was hugging herself. This was awkward. I stared at the kunai and hoped that it would magically fly back to me... or at least have Jun move from the spot... Damn fat ass.

Several presences whisked through the trees above... enemy ninjas were already here...

Damn, I needed my kunai. Luckily, Jun stopped screaming, and turned around to see me. "Ewwww! Pervert! Stop looking at my butt!

I was completely shocked. There I was, accused of being a pervert by some fat chick. I mean, who in their right mind would wanna look at... I nearly puked right there and then at the thought. That's just un-god-ish-ly disgusting...

Then, I realized I had to defend for myself. "I wasn't looking at your butt!"

"Then what were you looking at?" she interrogated.

"That kunai under you!" I shouted.

"Oh, nice excuse!... Pervert!" she yelled saracstically.

Suddenly, a sharp pain embedded itself on the left side of my face. Holy shit, did she just slap me? This is just humiliating... I the future Yondaime, just got slapped by some fat chick. Luckily no one's here to see it.

Suddenly, refrained laughing could be heard from the trees. Ah shit, the enemy ninjas...

"Whatever, you can think I'm a pervert but just let me get my kunai," I said in a cool tone just so I could cover up the humiliation.

"Still going with that excuse huh?" She slapped me again.

WTF? Did she just slap me again? This is soooooo not cool. And there are actually people to witness it... But anyways, I had to get my kunai so I tried again.

"Seriously, just get up," I said.

"Why should I listen to a perv like you?" she said.

"There's a catepillar under you," I lied ever so professionally.

"EEEKK!" Jun screamed and jumped aside.

Finally, I picked up my kunai.

"See what did I tell you," I said, showing Jun the kunai.

She slapped me again.

I now had three heavily imprinted hand marks on my face and I looked like an apple.

The enemy ninjas suddenly burst out laughing and they fell off the trees with a thump. Then, the laughing stopped as they presumably knocked themselves unconsious. That was good, but I definetly didn't deserve the slap.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"For scaring me," she said.

"But it was to get you to move," I explained.

"That's besides the point."

Ah well, I sighed and let Jun climb on my back and we were on the move once again.

Hours passed as I continued through the forest. At least, I assumed it was hours. Suddenly, I sensed a presence - wait no, two presences. I could tell they were ninjas but they were not trying to conceal their presence. Infact, they were walking straight towards me. The ninjas came into view. It was two kunoichis (female ninjas if you don't know).

"Who are you, and what do you want?" I asked, copying the ever so popular line used in who knows how many movies.

"I, am Takahashi Suzume, the legendary Sparrow Wing of the hidden mist," one of them introduced themselves.

"I'm Deoderant," the other said.

"We are here on behalf of the Mizukage to help you this mission," Suzume said.

"Very well then," I said politely.

"Why do you look so... apple-y?" Deoderant asked.

"Don't ask," I replied. "Well actually, you can ask but you won't get an answer."

"I slapped him," Jun informed.

This caused the two kunoichi's to come over and slap me. Oww. "What was that for?"

"You probably deserved it," Deoderant said.

I merely rubbed my cheeks as we continued on the journey to Hidden Mist. Luckily, we managed to hitch a ride on a sturdy wagon. And so, I no longer had to carry Jun.

"So," I said, feeling social and all. But I couldn't come up with anything so I just left it at that.

Several moments passed.

"What's your name?" Deoderant asked. "Wait, you do have a name right?"

"It's Orochimaru," I said.

More moments passed and I decided to stretch a little. Apparently, my hands went a little further than I wanted and I ended up groping something soft around Jun's chest area... ohhhhhhh damn, this is gonna cause mis-understandings.

"Pervert!" Jun yelled and she slapped me HARD. This of course, caused Suzume to come and slap me. Proceeding after that, Deoderant slapped me.

Not only was it humiliating but it also hurt... ALOT. However, over the course of the next hour, I managed to convince them I was just trying to stretch.

Anyways, I don't know how long passed but it was definetly more than 1978 seconds. I lost count afterwards. But I knew it was far more than 1978 seconds, because everyone fell asleep. So much for being ninjas on Suzume and Deoderant's part.

I decided to stretch my arms again... but this time I cautiously made sure I kept them close to myself. So, I outstretched my elbows a little bit and then I felt pain surge through my left cheek.

"What was that for?" I nearlywhined. I realized Jun had slapped me. But why? I did nothing wrong. There was no reasoning behind this.

"Just in case," Jun replied.

"Sheesh," I muttered.

Suzume and Deoderant apparently decided to wake up right then.

I covered my face.

I didn't want to get two more slaps.

I already looked as red as an apple.

And I mean the really red apples.

And that's red.

"What are ya doing Orochimaru?" Deoderant asked.

I pretended I was asleep and ignored her.

"Hey are you asleep?" she questioned.

"Of course not," I replied almost instinctively. I didn't want to be thought of as an undependable ninja. "I just need to rest my eyes."

"Right..." Deoderant said sarcastically. She came over to me. "I know your hiding something... perhaps a... cough, slap, cough, mark, cough?

Oh my god, they were on to me. "Explain to them Jun," I said in hope she would save me.

"Alright fine," Jun said. Phew. "He was being a perv."

WTF?

I peeked my eyes out to see Deoderant and Suzume's expressions. They looked soooooo ready to slap me.

Girls are scary... no not just scary, insane - heck, not just insane, they were diabolical.

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Many days passed and I returned back to Konoha. I was sooooo glad. My face had been red for the entire trip to Hidden Mist.

Anyways, I reported to the Hokage.

"How was it?" the Hokage asked.

"Mission success!" I responded.

"Good," the Hokage said. "Did you have trouble... well... carrying Jun?"

"You mean that fat ass, erm... chubby..." I was about to say bitch but I didn't. Instead I said. "Bitch." Oh damn. My bad. "I mean girl." I can't believe I just swore infront of Sarutobi. I was sooo not going to be chosen for Hokage after this. It's all because those stupid girls. I hate girls... but my hormones suggest otherwise... I'm so confused.

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Random Comment: How can Neji not get dizzy after doing Kaiten? I mean, look at that insane spinning speed.