AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sorry for the delay, but there's been a whole lot going on in my personal life these past couple weeks. An interesting note on that request list: while I likely won't use any of those (mainly because 1) I already have a long list of characters at the ready and 2) I'm not familiar at all with most of those characters (Shegoo? Deathstroke?)). However, that Lex Luthor suggestion gave me a doozy of an idea. Stay tuned...
On the surface, the Crossover Club was a pleasant enough place, a staggering variety of characters milling about in a bizarre yet genuine sense of community. However, behind this benign façade was a shadowy, smoky den of unsavoury personalities, few to be liked and even fewer to be trusted. And in a darkened, secluded corner, an overeager duck had found his first client.
"Of course, of course!" Daffy was enthusing, a winning smile across his beak. "Why, after old Lucas saw my outer space adventures, he called me up and said 'Daffy, my muse! You have inspired me! I shall go on to create the greatest space epic of all time, after your own, of course!' Of course, when his humble little movie came out, I consented to let old Georgie precede it with a Duck Dodgers cartoon, just to give it a little glory by association!"
His companion, a silently menacing human, his form completely covered head to toe with tricked-out Mandalorian armour, was not impressed. "Spare me the details, avian." He hissed, his voice rasping coldly from the voicebox of his glaring helmet. "All I need to know is who, and for what."
"Ah yes. Patience, Bobo." Daffy assured, pulling a small holoprojector out of his pocket. Or whatever sufficed for a pocket on him. "This is the no-good character I'd like you to take out." He explained, switching the small device on. A miniature three-dimensional model of Bugs Bunny appeared, tap-dancing to unheard music.
"Hmm." The bounty hunter mused, glaring intently at the holo. "Looks like a Lepi from Coachelle Prime. Jabba find some amusement from this creature."
"Ooh ho ho." Daffy cackled, rubbing his hands together. "Tell you what, Buckethead. You can either take the rabbit out when you find him, or you can drag him back to your boss. It's your choice, and you'll get your fee either way."
"How much?" was all Fett asked in response.
Daffy looked around cautiously before pulling out a bag of Imperial credits, flashing it to the bounty hunter and then tucking it back out of sight.
"Okay. I'll do it." The bounty hunter declared, rising to his feet. "You'd better not try to cut the price, either. I don't enjoy haggling, and neither will you."
"Uh… your point is well taken, friend." Daffy hedged, slightly nervously. This was the man who stared down Darth Vader himself, after all. The hunter turned to leave. "Oh, and by the way…" Daffy added, a sly smile on his face.
"…disintegrations are fine."
Fett nodded slightly, and exited to fulfil his bloody assignment.
"Ah, that was almost too easy." Daffy smirked, lounging in his seat. "Might we have a moment of silence for our soon-to-departed rabbit?"
An instant later he jumped to his feet. "Moment's over! Woo hoo! Hoo hoo!" he hooted, bouncing across the room in unrestrained glee.
--
All was well in the tranquil glade that Bugs Bunny called home. The sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing, flowers were in bloom, and the trees and grass moved softly in the breeze. This tranquillity was quickly shattered when the whine of Slave 1's engines tore through the air, signalling the ship's subsequent landing. From the hatch stormed Boba Fett, one of the most feared mercenaries in the galaxy, his weapons and armour spelling out his dangerous potential in terms any creature from any world could understand. No quarry had ever truly eluded him for long. And his quarry today was a certain rabbit whose luck was about to run out.
Sophisticated sensors whirred and beeped in Fett's helmet. There was no doubt that this was the rabbit's hideout, and the rather large hole in the ground was the obvious entrance. Fett paused to consider his options. While it would be very amusing to drag the rabbit towards Jabba's scant mercies, which usually wound up with the unfortunate party fed to some disgusting creature, and would afford him with a healthy additional fee, Fett had something of a full plate as it was. Solo evades me still, Fett reminded himself with a touch of bitterness. Not that it mattered much. It was a temporary problem that would soon be permanently amended. Therefore, eliminating this rabbit was nothing more than a quick, easy job for a decent fee.
Fett pulled a thermal detonator out of his hidden pocket near his right knee. Inside that baseball-sized device was enough explosive power to destroy half a building. Most men would consider using such a device against a rabbit unsporting. But Boba Fett was not most men. With cold, dedicated precision he set the timer on the device and casually tossed the sphere into the rabbit's hole, before stepping back to a safe distance.
An instant later, the silence was shattered by a deafening roar as the detonator exploded. Smoke and flame blasted from the hole as the nearby ground shuddered and swelled under the strain of the incredible release of energy. Boba Fett watched with a professional sense of detachment. This was almost too easy.
However, what he failed to notice was a second hole some distance away, which served as a reliable emergency exit. And from it emerged a slightly charred, choking and gasping Bugs Bunny.
"Sidney Greenstreet's ghost!" Bugs coughed as he pulled himself out of the hole. "What was that? Did I forget to put out the pilot light on the stove again?" Even as he dusted himself off, a sudden pungent odour assaulted his sensitive nose. Bugs sniffed instinctively. Something was burning. It was only after he had turned around that he realized that what was burning was his own tail. "Ouch! Ooh! That smarts!" Bugs yelped, jumping around in pain. He then ran towards a nearby phone booth and placed a frantic, whispered call.
Bugs had barely hung up the phone before a truck promptly roared up next to him, bearing the insignia of the ACME Vending Machine Co. In the space of about five seconds, two burly fellows unloaded and installed a vending machine before leaping back into the truck and speeding off again. Bugs quickly produced a quarter and plunked it into the machine, receiving in trade a bottle of ACME Sparkling Designer Water. With a touch of finesse, Bugs uncapped the bottle and poured it over his flaming tail, extinguishing it with a hiss and a puff of steam. "Ahhh." He sighed, allowing himself to relax. "That was a close one."
The barrel of a heavy laser rifle jammed against his forehead ended his period of relief. "Eh, what's up, Doc?" Bugs tentatively inquired, staring into the faceless T-shaped visor.
"There's a price on your head, rabbit." The bounty hunter hissed. "And I'm going to collect."
Bugs produced a small hand mirror and used it to view his scalp, his other hand brushing his fur to one side. He squinted to read the small print visible on his forehead. "$29.97, eh?" Bugs mused. "Not bad, but I ain't exactly public enemy #1."
"You'll fetch a reward either way, rabbit." Fett threatened. "But I'm going to take you in alive."
"Okay, tin soldier." Bugs shrugged. "Ya cut me to the quick, ya did. Nabbed me fair and square. C'mon, Mac. Let's go."
"Then march." Fett ordered, prodding Bugs with his blaster for emphasis. "And no funny stuff."
"No funny stuff?" Bugs whispered to the audience, mischievously. "He don't know me very well, don't he?" His response was another shove from the laser gun. "Okay, okay! I'm marching already!" Bugs protested. "You point that six-shooter somewhere else, Doc! You're gonna put out an eye if you're not careful!"
Silently Bugs walked, Fett covering him with his blaster directly behind him. Finally they reached the entrance ramp to the Slave 1. Bugs hesitated. "Oh, ain't I the impolite one? Where's my manners? After you, Doc!" he insisted, bowing and gesturing towards the ship with Gallic finesse.
"Not a chance, rabbit." Fett rejoined. "Now get on that ship!"
"You sure you want me to get on first?" Bugs asked, coyly. A warning blast of laser fire shot between his ears, missing him by inches. "Okay, Doc. If that's what you want." Bugs shrugged, stepping onto the loading ramp.
But before Boba Fett could also board the ship, Bugs quickly reached up and slammed the hatch shut. "Foolish rabbit." Fett growled to himself, activating the door hatch via the remote link in his helmet. But when the door opened once more, Bugs was no longer standing there.
Fett stormed into the ship, not noticing that Bugs had tenaciously clung to the bottom of the door hatch, and that Fett had walked directly underneath him. Fett's electronic targeting system caught a glimpse of movement behind him as Bugs dropped back down to the ramp. With a snarl, Fett whirled around raised his wrist-mounted flamethrower, determined to incapacitate the rabbit before he got any more foolish notions. Bugs, for his part, casually jumped up and slammed the hatch shut once more, causing the flamethrower to deflect off the fire-retardant wall and blast back into Fett's face.
"Eh, these high-tech gadget boys." Bugs shrugged as he made his escape. "Those mugs would buy any pricey doodad you'd throw at 'em, but they still don't have the brains to… uh oh."
Boba Fett, slightly singed, emerged from his ship once more, laser rifle at the ready. Igniting his jetpack, he roared directly towards the unarmed rabbit.
"Yipes!" Bugs yelled, barely able to tunnel underground in time to avoid being atomized by a volley of laser blasts. Bugs tunnelled away, but Fett pursued, matching him manoeuvre for manoeuvre. For long minutes they raced, swerving around rocks, between trees, through bushes, up hills… Bugs barely able to keep ahead of the deadly bolts the hunter was firing at him the whole time.
Suddenly, Bugs was gone. Even on Fett's scanners, he had dropped clean out of the picture. The bounty hunter realized that Bugs had tunnelled himself clean over the edge of a cliff. Swooping past the cliff edge, Fett looked around and saw no trace of Bugs. Apparently the foolish rabbit had plummeted clean out of sight. Almost a pity. Almost.
His motion scanner picked up a sudden movement around he felt something tug on his back. The rabbit had hooked a fishing line around the fuel plug of his jetpack, and dislodged it with a sharp tug. "Whaddya know!" Bugs chuckled to himself as he casually lounged on the edge of the cliff. "I think I'll have to throw this one back. This one's just gotta be bigger than the limit!"
Bereft of its fuel source, the jetpack sputtered and died, sending the bounty hunter plummeting straight down into the gulch. "Eh, it looks like the Force was with him." Bugs coyly observed. "The force of gravity, that is."
However, as Bugs was sauntering back to his burrow to examine the smoke damage, another laser bolt whizzed over his shoulder, barely missing him. Bugs turned and saw that Fett had hauled himself back up the cliff with his grappling line, and was firing on him as he climbed back to his feet. "Tenacious fellow, ain't he?" Bugs observed.
A hiss and a roar signified that Boba Fett was finally doing what his action figure never could do: he was firing the rocket attached to his jetpack. Bugs dove into a set of bushes just before the rocket reached him, the explosion setting all nearby vegetation ablaze.
And, hidden in a safe spot, a certain duck let loose with a victorious cackle.
Fett scanned the inferno for any sign of life. He wasn't going to take any chances until he was certain about that rabbit's demise. His sensors found nothing.
"For shame, bounty hunter." A deep, ominous voice chided. Fett whirled around and saw an individual standing behind him clad in black body armour. Everybody in the galaxy knew who this fellow was.
"What business is this of yours, Lord Vader?" Fett asked. "This system isn't Imperial territory."
"Don't I know it, buster." Darth Vader replied. "But you shouldn't oughta go around shootin' rabbits when there's bigger rewards involved." He added.
"What kind of reward?" Fett asked, his interest piqued.
"The Empire has placed a substantial bounty on a certain black duck. I've heard reports that you're acquainted with just such a character." Vader announced.
"Lies! All lies!" both armoured figures turned and saw a disgruntled duck emerge from his hiding place. "I don't know where you get off, Iron Lung, but I have NEVER been a wanted duck in my life!" Daffy protested. "And as for you," he added, pointing an accusing finger at Fett, "I hired you first! Have you no loyalty? What kind of mercenary would turn on his own benefactor, just because he was offered a larger… uh… I mean…"
BLAM! A laser blast caused Daffy's beak to shoot clean off of his head and lodge itself in a nearby tree. Daffy shakily reached to retrieve it.
"That's just a warm-up, duck." Fett growled, igniting his now-repaired jetpack.
"YAAAGGGGHHH!!!" Daffy shrieked as he bolted over the horizon, Fett rocketing close after and charbroiling the duck's tail-feathers with a hail of laser fire.
Once they were gone, 'Darth Vader' chuckled to himself, pulling off his helmet to reveal the grinning face of Bugs Bunny. "Eh, I find that duck's lack of brains disturbing." He declared, crunching on a carrot with a sly grin.
THE END
Next Installment:
Thank Badness it's Friday