Chapter 2:
Thank Badness it's Friday
Daffy painfully eased himself into his seat in the back room of the Crossover Club, lisped invectives against rabbits, bounty hunters and the universe in general sputtering from the corner of his beak. That blasted Mandalorian had scorched his tailfeathers something awful, and he knew that sitting down would be a painful prospect for some time to come. He shook his head in disgust. No more mercenaries for him. Those who killed for money were too easy to buy. From now on he sought those that had agendas, that adhered to strict codes of honour, and especially those who…
He looked up at his next client with a wicked smile. Especially those who kill for the heck of it.
Said client said nothing, doing nothing more than to glare menacingly from behind his battered hockey mask, a chainsaw cradled in his massive arms. This one fit the bill perfectly. The perfect mix of deadly, remorseless, and mindless. No subtleties to exploit. Just raw, unfettered homicidal mania.
"So, Mister Voorhees," Daffy smirked, pouring on the old charm. "Or Jason? Can I call you Jason? Care for a cup of espresso? Good for keeping your energy up, you know!"
Mr. Voorhees revved his chainsaw ominously. Daffy's pleasant introduction shrivelled and died in his throat.
"Well, uh, what say we get down to brass tacks, okay, pal? All right? All right." Daffy declared, pulling out an old photograph of the alumni of Camp Crystal Lake, a headshot of Bugs crudely composited in the background. "That's him! Right there!" Daffy insisted.
Jason yanked the pull-cord on his chainsaw, the well-oiled implement roaring to life.
"Atta boy!" Daffy encouraged. "You know what you want to do, right?"
Jason rose to his feet, his powerful body tensed in anticipation. The wail of the chainsaw was nearly deafening.
"You want to get him? You want to get him? Then go get him!" a slightly hysterical Daffy cheered, jumping onto the table. "Fetch, boy!"
Jason stormed out the door in pursuit of his latest victim. The fact that he sliced Daffy's beak to ringlets on his way by could be blamed on excess of zeal. Really.
Despite this, the serrated segments of Daffy's beak had to smile. No way Bugs could talk his way out of this. It would be time to celebrate as soon as Daffy found a glue gun…
--
Jason stalked his way through the forest, the cloud-shrouded moon providing the only light, the only audible sounds coming from his heavy boots crunching the dry leaves and twigs. The night was not to be silent for long, and that was for certain. Unhesitating, implacable, he located a familiar rabbit hole and climbed down. It was only seconds until he was marching into the muted blackness of Bugs' bedroom, a telltale lump underneath the covers.
Without so much as a twinge of hesitation, Jason brought his chainsaw to life and, before the mass on the bed could so much as flinch, he brought the deadly instrument down in one smooth stroke, shearing the bed and everything on it cleanly in two. His violent assignment complete, Jason pulled away the covers, revealing…
Well, it should have been the mangled remains of his victim. Instead, all he had chopped up proved to be a series of pillows artfully laid across the bed. No sooner had this registered in Jason's less-than-academic brain, when suddenly a gargling sound became audible from the connecting bathroom. And then the sound of running water. And finally, the bathroom door creaked open to reveal a groggy and not altogether pleased Bugs Bunny. Scratching his stomach idly, Bugs yawned, stretched and smacked his mouth a few times before his eyes focussed on the fearsome intruder standing over the remains of his bed.
"Hey, what's the big idea here?" Bugs demanded. "Listen, lumberjack Jack, what business have you got breakin' into innocent rabbits' homes at all hours of the night? You're gonna get a bill for those pillows! You're gonna…"
THWOK! Only Bugs' quick reflexes kept the dagger that was now embedded in the wall behind him from being embedded somewhere much more painful. "Easy, Doc!" Bugs scolded. "You're gonna take somebody's eye out with that thing!"
Hardly impressed, Jason stormed forward, trapping Bugs in the bathroom, chainsaw at the ready. Just as he began his swing, however, Bugs grabbed a bottle of shaving cream from the nearby sink and squirted the foam directly at the eyeholes in Jason's mask. "For shame, Doc." Bugs chided. "If you're gonna shave that close, you gotta use this!"
Suddenly blinded, Jason swung wildly, missing Bugs' head and instead slicing open a heating pipe in the wall. Jason wiped his eyes clean of the stinging cream just in time to receive a blast of steam in the face. By this time Bugs had vacated his hole and was making tracks through the forest.
"That's the second knucklehead who's broken in and messed up the joint in as many weeks!" Bugs remarked to himself. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm being set up! Now who do you suppose would…"
The scream of a chainsaw's engine was barely enough warning for Bugs to duck just before Jason popped out of nowhere and made another deadly swing. This time the swing felled a mighty oak, like the woodsmen of days gone by. Unfortunately, the tree chose to topple over in Jason's direction, smashing him to the ground. "Eh, would it help if I yelled 'timber'?" Bugs coyly asked. To his surprise, Jason managed to wrench himself free from beneath the trunk out of his own power. "This guy just don't know when to quit!" Bugs remarked as he fled once more.
SWISH! Suddenly he found himself face-to-face with Jason once more, and was barely able to avoid just another swipe of the chainsaw blade. Wheeling around, Bugs made his escape in the opposite direction, only to run right into another ambush. Turning around, Bugs ran some more, only to once more find himself heading right in the direction of Jason's blade.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Bugs yelled, coming to a halt. Jason now took the initiative, advancing on Bugs with intent to kill. "Hmm." Bugs mused to himself, seeming to not notice the assailant approaching from behind. "It seems that the faster I go, the easier it is for ol' Cutter John here to catch up to me." By now Jason was directly behind him. However, instead of bolting off like a shot, Bugs casually jogged away from Jason at a moderate pace. Fuming with rage, Jason followed in his slow, limping gait.
Bugs' strategy seemed to work! It seemed that so long as he always kept his eyes on Jason, Jason was forced to keep plodding along slowly instead of doing that offscreen teleportation trick he seemed to know so well. Jason made a few furious swings at Bugs, but the rabbit simply jogged ahead of them. Finally Jason looked up and realized that he had pursued Bugs clean out of the forest, and they now appeared to be in a city of some sort…
SLAM! While Jason was momentarily distracted, Bugs had ducked into some building. As though that would save him from the wrath of Jason Voorhes. Jason marched up to the door and dramatically kicked it down.
…only to have it bounce back into his face and knock him over. It seemed that Bugs had taken the liberty of leaving a large mattress spring on the floor. Jason furiously sliced the door to splinters in seconds. Knocking off overly-hormonal teenagers at a summer camp was one thing, but this rabbit was just asking for it. Entering the building, Jason stormed down a darkened corridor towards a brilliant light. As he approached the light, he heard what sounded like screaming. Good. He preferred them to scream. Stepping into the light, Jason squinted to adapt his eyes to the light…
…and nearly fell over when his boots suddenly skidded treacherously against the floor. What on earth…? Finally his eyes adjusted and he suddenly realized the truth. He had somehow stumbled into… a hockey rink?
Thousands of fans cheered as a catchy tune tooted from the rink's pipe organ. Whirling around, Jason heard a whistle blow, and suddenly two teams of burly players burst from opposite ends of the rink. A referee timidly tossed a puck into the centre of the ice… which was where Jason happened to be standing at this very moment. The puck landed in Jason's shirt pocket. This was not a good thing. The players charged.
Jason raised his chainsaw in challenge, but unfortunately forgot to compensate for the slipperiness of the ice. As he skidded and attempted to remain upright, two players from one side barrelled directly into him, sending him skidding directly into the path of three Slovakian monsters, who slammed into Jason from either side before sending him wheeling backwards, crashing into the boards.
Through all of this, Jason had lost grip of his chainsaw. As he fumbled for his dagger, the crowd began cheering with even more bloodlust than before. He looked up in confusion just in time to see a heavily gloved fist smashing into his face. Suddenly Jason's flannel shirt was pulled up over his head and he was being pummelled in the stomach until the player lost his grip, sending Jason crashing to the ice. Another player skated up and sent the puck – and Jason – flying towards the net with a blistering slapshot. Jason went clean through the net and ended up with his head lodged between the boards.
TWEET! The action on the ice came to a halt as Bugs, dressed as a referee, skated officiously onto the ice. The crowd watched in silence as Bugs picked up the now abandoned chainsaw on the ice. He picked it up, examined it for a moment, and then blew his whistle again, getting everybody's attention.
"This thing ain't regulation!" he announced, to the collective gasps of fans and players alike. Bugs casually tossed the chainsaw away and continued his announcement. "Folks, tonight's game is cancelled!" he announced. The crowd began complaining very loudly. The hockey players hardly looked pleased themselves. "And you all can thank this guy!" Bugs declared, gesturing to Jason, who just then was removing his head from the boards.
Jason looked up in mortal terror. He was unarmed, and there were several thousand people gesturing and shouting furiously at him. The hockey players had pulled off their gloves. Even the mascots looked furious.
SMASH! Jason smashed through the wall of the arena as he fled, the entire population of the rink following a second later. All that was left was Bugs. "Eh, looks like that guy's plans just got put… on ice!" Bugs quipped, before hopping aboard the zamboni and chugging home.
THE END
Next Chapter:
Nassty Rabbitses
