AUTHOR'S NOTE: One small note in the interest of literary honesty: I have never seen Pulp Fiction in my entire life, and I don't ever intend to. Take that for what it's worth.
The following has been edited for network television.
I Love You Too, Honey Bunny
Back at the Crossover Club, Daffy was beginning to have second thoughts about the two hit men he was considering hiring. Likely because one of them currently was throttling him.
"Say despicable again!" the large man with the jeri curl wig roared. "Say despicable again, you (BEEP)! I (BEEP) dare you!"
"Hey, take it easy, Jules." Remarked his somewhat smaller partner. "Don't mess up his feathers. They look new. Keep cool."
"I am cool, Vince." Jules sniffed indignantly, setting Daffy back down. "I'm cool. Like Fonzie. Aaayyyyyy."
"Sorry about that, Duck." Vince apologized. "Jules here's having a bad day."
"Well, normally, you'd be as dead as (BEEP) duck soup right now, but I'm in a transitional period at the moment." Jules added.
"Spare me the pious self-analysis, Curly." Daffy scoffed, refusing to be bullied. "I want you crackshots to take out a certain rabbit."
"What does he look like?" Jules asked, dangerously.
"Well… you know…" Daffy began.
"What does he look like?" Jules repeated, furiously.
"Well… grey fur…" Daffy stammered.
"And…?" Jules growled.
"L-long ears?" Daffy asked.
"Does he look like a…" Jules began, before getting cut off by Vince.
"We'll get him." Vince assured. "We know some guys who could work him over with a blowtorch and pliers…"
"No, don't bother." Daffy interrupted. "Just take him down and get your pay. Don't try any fancy stuff with this rabbit. Believe me."
"C'mon, Jules." Vince ordered, gently guiding his partner towards the door. "We'll pick up a couple of Le Royales with cheese on the way."
"That guy's despicable." Daffy growled. Jules bugged his eyes at that, but Vince gently shoved him out the door before anything else could happen.
-
1960's era surf rock blared on the soundtrack as Vince and Jules' car pulled up in front of Bugs' rabbit hole, which would soon be a "Dead Rabbit Storage" if all went according to plan. The car screeched to a halt, the two dangerous men engaging in small talk.
"And this guy Aristophanes would practice his speaking by standing on the beach and trying to yell over the waves." Vince was explaining. "And if that wasn't enough, he had a bunch of rocks in his mouth while he did it!"
"Rocks!" Jules snorted. "I don't need no (BEEP) rocks in (BEEP) mouth to make somebody listen to me. This is all I need." He added, pulling out his handgun and cocking it.
"Think we should bring the shotguns?" Vince added, producing his own gun.
"Shotguns?" Jules scoffed. "It's only a (BEEP) rabbit!"
"Well, maybe there's… more than one in there." Vince hedged.
"Oh, (BEEP) Vince, we don't need to bring the (BEEP) shotguns just because the (BEEP) rabbit is having a (BEEP) Tupperware party!" Jules yelled. "What, are you afraid they'll (BEEP) bite you? You've been watching too many (BEEP) cartoons, man. Those things are bad for you."
"Okay, fine." Vince growled. "Let's go." The two men exited the car and climbed down the ladder to Bugs' burrow. Both scanned the room with their guns. Not a trace of their target.
"Eh, sorry guys." A voice came from behind. "I already sent the Watchtower a check last month." Jules and Vince whirled around to find Bugs nonchalantly standing behind them. "Nice suits, by the way." Bugs added. "Do they do tuxedos, too?" The hit men, momentarily stunned, drew their weapons on Bugs.
"Stupid rabbit." Vince sneered. He and Jules pulled the triggers simultaneously.
BLAM! BLAM! When the smoke cleared, Jules and Vince both had blackened, smoking faces, while Bugs remained unharmed. "Eh, sorry, guys." Bugs shrugged. "Did I break your concentration?" As he slipped away, the hit men examined their weapons.
"Carrots!" Vince spat indignantly, wiping the gunpowder from his face. "He plugged up our (BEEP) guns with carrots!"
"You don't just stick (BEEP) vegetables in a brother's piece!" Jules roared. "That (BEEP)'s against the rules!"
"Rules!" Vince countered. "I didn't know that this runnin' around and shootin' the (BEEP) outta people life had a (BEEP) rulebook! Could I see your copy?"
"Ah, cut the (BEEP) comedy and let's get that (BEEP) rabbit!" Jules yelled.
"Eh, don't mind me, fellers." A voice called. The two hit men spun around to see Bugs waving at them from the bathroom door. "I'll be right out." He slammed the door behind him.
"Ah, (BEEP), Jules; of all the time to go to the (BEEP) bathroom." Vince complained. "This (BEEP)'s gonna take all day at this rate!"
"What is this? (BEEP) kindergarten?" Jules retorted. "Go in there and blow the rabbit's (BEEP) head off! I'll take your back."
"But Jules, whenever I go to the bathroom… bad things happen." Vince cautioned.
"Cut the (BEEP) and blow the rabbit's (BEEP) head off!" Jules yelled. "If you don't, I'm gonna… glgh… glgh…" his rant was suddenly cut off by a bar of soap flying towards him and jamming in his mouth.
"What the (BEEP) is goin'… glgh!" Vince gargled, as a second bar of soap flew into his mouth as well. The sputtering men turned and saw Bugs peeking out the bathroom door.
"Ma always said that bad boys should have their mouths washed out for usin' such doity language!" Bugs scolded. "Don't make me get out the soup ladle!" he slammed the door once again.
"Spp… sp-toooooie!" Vince sputtered, managing to dislodge the soap from his mouth. "That mean, nasty rabbit! I ought to go in that darn bathroom and blow him so full of holes that he'd… wait a minute!" he gasped with sudden horror. "I can't say… I can't say… those words anymore!"
"Pleaaaah!" Jules spat out his bar of soap. "What the blue blazes does that carpet-bagging rabbit think he's doing, messing up our authentic Tarantino dialogue like that? I'm gonna smack him soundly!" Both winced, the PG-rated dialogue unfamiliar to their ears.
"Hmmm." Vince mused, looking at the soap. "That's Dove. This rabbit knows the good stuff. Dove even beat Ivory in the litmus test!"
"Dove beat Ivory in the litmus test?" Jules asked in mock astonishment.
"Yeah. They take this piece of paper, see, that reacts to acids and bases by…" Vince began.
"LIKE I GIVE A RAT'S BEHIND OVER WHETHER OR NOT STINKIN' DOVE BEAT STINKIN' IVORY IN THE DAG-NABBED LITMUS TEST!" Jules yelled. "LET'S JUST GO IN THAT LOUSY BATHROOM AND FINISH THAT NOT-VERY-NICE RABBIT OFF!"
"Right!" Vince yelled, smashing open the bathroom door and darting inside, gun drawn. He looked around in bewilderment. "Hey Jules, the rabbit's gone!" he yelled.
"Well, see if there's a dang skylight or something!" Jules yelled back.
"A skylight? This is a blankety-blank rabbit hole!" Vince insisted. Glancing down at the toilet, he saw something distressing. "What the… it's the script for Battlefield Earth 2!" he exclaimed. "What's it doing there?" He bent over to retrieve it.
BOOT! Suddenly a rabbit foot-powered kick sent him pitching forward, landing facedown in the toilet. As he sputtered and thrashed, a gloved hand casually pressed the flush lever, sending him spiralling down, down, until he was completely out of sight. Vince Vega was gone.
"Eh, I always said his career was in the toilet." Bugs chuckled to himself. The chuckle died in his throat when the barrel of a handgun suddenly pressed against his temple. "Eh, what's up, Sam?" Bugs cautiously asked.
Jules coldly released the safety on his gun with an ominous click. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
"Nice, Doc." Bugs replied casually. "Biblical, ain't it?"
"Ezekiel 25:17, rabbit." Jules sneered. "And you're gonna get struck down now."
"Eh, I don't think that's right, Doc." Bugs insisted.
"What are you talkin' about, rabbit?" Jules demanded. "That's Ezekiel 25:17!"
"Are you sure?" Bugs cajoled.
"Of course I'm sure!" Jules insisted. "I know my Ezekiel 25:17! I've said that before I killed at least 20 people just this year!"
"Maybe you've been saying it wrong all this time, y'know." Bugs coolly replied.
"I'm not wrong!" Jules yelled.
"Well, Doc, there's only one way to settle this." Bugs declared. "Come with me!"
Before Jules quite knew what had happened, Bugs had grabbed his wrist and pulled him along at incredible speed. When the blur settled, the two were suddenly in a massive cathedral. Bugs casually leafed through a massive Bible as Jules looked around in confusion. "Here you are, Doc." Bugs said. "Read it for yourself."
Jules looked at the ponderous tome. To his surprise, the true text of Ezekiel 25:17 proved to be And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon them. "Huh?" Jules was astonished. "Then where'd I get all that other stuff from?"
SMASH! Suddenly Jules found his nose mashed between the pages of the Good Book. "That's what you get for snoozin' in Sunday School, Doc!" Bugs taunted as he fled.
"Why, you…" Jules snarled, pulling out his gun and giving chase, firing a few wild shots. Bugs ran inside a massive stone door, and Jules followed. The room proved to be full of ancient artefacts. Bugs proved to be standing in front of a large golden ark.
"Don't shoot, Doc!" Bugs warned. "You'll be sorry!"
"No, you'll be sorry!" Jules countered, firing a shot that narrowly missed Bugs and dented the side of the ark. Suddenly a brilliant light filled the room, and several shimmering beings rose from within it, glowering at the person who dared to fire a shot at them. Jules' face bore an expression that could only mean "Oh crap".
"Oh, you're gonna get it now, boy." One of the glowing figures simply said. "Old Testament style."
What ensued after that can be imagined by anybody who's seen Raiders of the Lost Ark. While all this happened, Bugs casually made his way to the door. "Eh, I think I should be leavin' now." He remarked. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."
THE END
Next Installment:
It's Not Ogre Yet
