AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sorry about the delay, as I've been in the midst of computer troubles this past week. I'll be back in action full-time soon enough.
And also, an announcement regarding the future of BOAB. While exactly how many episodes will be made is still up in the air (I've got a number of good I hope ideas), I have now determined whom Bugs will battle in the final chapter. Suffice it to say that it will be the most pronounced evil Bugs will ever encounter. Those of you who know me well may already know who the mysterious antagonist(s) are. Other than that, my lips are zipped. It'll be a surprise.
On with chapter whatever this is!
It's Not Ogre YetEverybody, it is said, has his or her price. For the right amount, even a generally noble creature can be bought and sold for assignments against his or her better nature. A good example of this principle was Daffy's latest client.
A seven-foot-tall ogre, green of skin, strong of build and even stronger of stench. He clearly did not fear the shady characters in the room, but he did not seem especially comfortable amongst them either. He appeared to be the type who did not wish to stand out in a crowd. This would prove difficult, however, as he was accompanied by a donkey with a mouth on him that had all the discretion and subtlety of an erupting volcano.
"Aw, c'mon, Shrek!" the donkey enthused, leaping up and down. "Ooh, this is gonna be good! Just Shrek and Donkey goin' out on another hair-raising quest, bravin' the elements, kickin' some bad guy butt, and letting loose with some manly dialogue during the slow spots!"
"Donkey…" the ogre replied, his peeved tones coloured with a heavy Scots burr, "do all of the non-deaf individuals in the room a favour… and SHUT YER YAPHOLE ALREADY! I'm conducting business here!" he then turned back to Daffy in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, we're still looking for a properly fitting muzzle for him. Now, tell me more about this… this… rabbit you want us to take out. I don't have much experience with talking rabbits."
"Well, my fairy-tale friend, he looks like this." Daffy explained, producing a picture of Bugs. "Don't let that aw-shucks buck-toothed grin fool ya – that's one nasty furball!"
"Really?" the ogre mused, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "What did he do to ye, anyway? Nibble yer pinfeathers?"
"HAH! A likely story!" Daffy spat. "He was so jealous of my fame and fortune, you know what he did? Well, I'll tell you what he did! He made a deal with one of those sorceress types, and he took my fortune away from me! And then he…" he paused to wipe away a crocodile tear from his cheek, "he turned me… into a duck!"
"Well! That's rough, Mr. Duck, sir…" the ogre hedged. "But I'm not really sure if I'm up to…"
"Eliminate the rabbit and all this is yours!" Daffy interrupted, producing a sackful of gold coins. The duck's eyes glinted in triumph as he saw the ogre give in to his monetary concerns. The ogre nodded his consent.
"C'mon, Donkey." The ogre rasped as he rose to leave. "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we get our gold. Unless…" he added, "you'd prefer we went back to cleaning the stables again…"
"No way, Shrek!" the Donkey was indignant. "I ain't cleanin' no stables, Shrek! I ain't down with walkin' knee-high in somebody else's FILTH! Barnyard animals are DISGUSTING creatures!"
"That they are, Donkey. That they are." The ogre mused as he walked out the door.
"Hey, that ain't cool, Shrek!" the Donkey piped up, trotting close behind. "Y'all know I wasn't talkin' 'bout no donkeys when I said that! Now, a cow! A cow is absolutely disgusting! I dated a cow in high school, and let me tell you; all that heifer did was GRAZE! It was like she had multiple stomachs or something… And how'd she expect me to kiss her after she'd been chewing her cud? I didn't even know where that cud had BEEN…!" the door closed behind them.
Daffy sat back in his chair and mused. He almost felt a certain empathy with that poor ogre, having to put up with long-eared, loud-mouthed scene-stealing sidekicks like that. He and the ogre were, indeed, so much alike…
…But of course that ogre wouldn't make HALF as much at the box office as a star such as himself, he reminded himself. Plus, that body odour problem didn't help at all.
-
The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be 500 Miles" (the most illogically titled song in history) softly underscored Shrek and Donkey's arrival to Bugs Bunny's glade. Their flawless CGI forms clashed terribly with the hand-drawn, two-dimensional atmosphere, but they were unconcerned. At least Shrek was unconcerned, at any rate.
"Shrek!" Donkey shrieked. "Something happened to my eyes! Everything's looking flat and brightly-coloured!" he held up a single hoof to his face. "I can't even count my fingers! Wait a minute… I DON'T HAVE FINGERS!"
"Donkey, relax." Shrek assured. "It just means we're getting closer to the rabbit's lair." He tentatively sniffed the air. "He's close by. We'll find him."
"Oh, okay. I gotcha, Shrek." Donkey replied, perking back up. "Say, uh… weren't you gonna ask old… uh… what's-his-name to join us?"
"I did, Donkey." Shrek replied. "He's around somewhere. I got him to shadow us. You know, just in case…"
"Just in case what, Shrek?" Donkey demanded, a sudden urgency in his voice once more. "Something bad's gonna happen, ain't it? Wait a minute… you know something bad's gonna happen, don't you? Oh, sure! Set up the beast of burden to take the fall! You're gonna use me as bait, and then take the rabbit by surprise and take all the gold for yourself, aren't you? Aren't you?"
"Donkey, no!" Shrek roared, finally able to shout Donkey down. He exhaled mightily. "I just told him to… to keep an eye out in case we ever needed backup."
"Oh, sure, Shrek." Donkey sneered, a little hysterical. "Backup, in case a certain donkey found out about your little SCHEME and decided to make a run for it! Ooh, don't think I don't know the score, Shrek! I know the score, all right! I'm the scoreKEEPER! Well, Donkey ain't playin' your little game anymore! What if that rabbit casts a spell on me? What if he turns me into a duck, Shrek? I'm ALLERGIC to down!"
"Donkey! I am not setting you up!" Shrek insisted, gripping the small quadruped's face with both massive hands. Donkey seemed curiously mollified from this.
"You mean that, Shrek?" he asked. "Or you just sayin' that so I'll let my guard down?"
"Donkey, if I wanted you dead, you'd have been in pieces the day we met." Shrek rationalized.
"Well, that's comforting to know, Shrek!" Donkey grinned, completely over his panic.
"This is why I didn't want you to come along in the first place!" Shrek ranted. "I knew you'd be dogging my every step with your incessant over-analyses of every single thing I say and do!"
"Well, you need somebody to keep a cool head during all this." Donkey replied, to Shrek's incredulity. "I mean, sure, you can go rushing into danger headfirst, but not me. I've got a wife and eight half-breed children at home, Shrek! You have no idea what it's like to have commitments!"
"Donkey! I'm married too, y'know." Shrek calmly replied.
"You are? When'd that happen, Shrek?" Donkey was confused. "I don't recall getting an invitation…"
Shrek displayed the patience of a saint. "Fiona…?" was all he said in reply, a slight musical tone to his voice.
"Fio… oh, RIGHT!" the dim bulb in Donkey's head brightened. "Oh, right. 'Course. I mean, you and Fiona are like, this year's It Couple! And your colour schemes complement each other so nicely…"
"…And Fiona is the reason I took this job in the first place. I need the money. Now let's get going." Shrek declared. "Ah, here we are…" he commented as the two approached the familiar rabbit hole.
"How we gonna handle this, Shrek?" Donkey asked. "You want me to give him ol' one-two? Yeah, I can do that. I don't care much for physical violence, but sometimes a donkey's gotta do…"
"Okay, Donkey, okay." Shrek countered. "Here's how it'll go. I'll grab him, and you knock him out. We'll figure it out from there."
"What!" Donkey asked after a short pause. "That's it? You grab him, I knock him out? That's it?"
"Can you think of anything better, Donkey?" Shrek challenged.
"Well, er… no, but… well, I'd expect better from the Ogre Master!" Donkey replied.
"The Ogre Mast…? Donkey, look." Shrek sighed, rubbing his temple. "I just want to get this over with, with as little fuss as possible. Do you understand?"
"You got it, Shrek." Donkey replied. "Let's kick this rabbit's butt!"
"Okay! Here we go!" Shrek announced. He bent over and reached into the hole. "I think I've got him, Donkey! Get ready!"
Shrek pulled his quarry out of the hole, Donkey smashing it with a kick as soon as it emerged. POOF! The pair were instantly covered with… flour?
Upon closer examination, Shrek had not grabbed a rabbit at all, but a flour sack decorated to look like one. Now the pair looked like they did after that night of having a few too many at the Gingerbread Man's house.
Down in his hole, Bugs Bunny chuckled to himself. "What a couple of suckers! What a… YIPES!" Suddenly he was grabbed by his ears and forcibly hauled upwards by a very angry ogre. "Why, Doc. I didn't know you cared!" Bugs coyly rejoined, giving the ogre a peck on the cheek.
"Blech! Filthy beast!" Shrek yelled, wiping off his cheek. "Donkey! Get him!"
"Okay, Shrek! Just hold still!" Donkey replied. "Leave it to me!" But Bugs was far too slippery, finding a new position to orient himself upon Shrek's flustered form, forcing Donkey to change his aim again and again.
Bugs maneuvered himself so he was directly between Donkey and Shrek's face. "C'mon, buckaroo!" Bugs encouraged, even as Shrek thrashed around. "Take your best shot!"
"Hold still, Shrek!" Donkey yelled, rearing up. "I'ma gonna beat his cottony behind but good!"
"Donkey!" Shrek yelled. "Don't…!"
POW! Bugs neatly leaped out of the way just in time for Donkey to nail Shrek right in the head with both feet. "Ach… not again…" Shrek moaned as he collapsed facedown onto the grassy knoll.
"Now why'd you go and do that, Shrek?" Donkey scolded Shrek's unconscious form. "You of all people should know to stay out of the way when a donkey's gonna kick!" A tempting orange morsel dangling from a nearby tree suddenly completely took over Donkey's minimal attention span.
"A carrot!" Donkey crooned, approaching the carrot with great interest. "I do enjoy carrots. And they're an excellent source of Vitamin C, as well… wha… WHOA!" So focused was Donkey on the carrot that he was entirely oblivious to the barely-camouflaged hole directly beneath him. Oblivious, that is, until he had fallen into it. "Now, who would go and dig a hole in the middle of the forest like that?" Donkey's voice echoed from the depths. "Sure is dark down here… well, at least it seems dark down here. Wait… maybe it isn't dark! Maybe… maybe… oh, Lord, I've gone BLIND! Oh, if only I'd have taken better care of my eyes…"
"Eh, what a couple of maroons." Bugs chuckled to himself as he headed back to his hole. "Now to… huh?"
Between him and the hole now sat an adorable orange tabby cat, large watery green eyes staring soulfully into his. Altogether, a sight that would warm even the stoniest of hearts. "Hey there, pussycat." Bugs murmured, reaching out to pet the cuddly animal. "What are you doin' way out in…"
The cat suddenly lashed out, hissing at Bugs and barely missing with a claw swipe. "Hey, easy, hairball!" Bugs demanded, rapidly withdrawing his hand. "What's the big idea?"
In one fluid motion, the cat made a backflip to a standing position, landing in a pair of oversized boots. A feathered hat now perched jauntily on his head, and in one paw he held a rapier. "Foolish conejo." He whispered in a Spanish accent. "You have let your guard down, and now you are at the mercy of… Puss in Boots!"
"Now take it easy with that thing, Doc." Bugs cautioned. "We don't want nobody to get hoit, do we?" A sudden flurry of swipes, thrusts and jabs left him trapped with his back against a tree.
"Make your peace, rabbit." Puss in Boots hissed in triumph, the sword lightly poking Bugs' chest.
"Okay, Doc. You asked for it." Bugs shrugged. In a flash, he reached behind his back and produced… a single piece of string. He dangled it invitingly in front of Puss' face.
"You try to trick me, rabbit." Puss growled, even as he began to twitch. "It will not work." His grip on his sword began to shake.
"Well, you can't blame a rabbit for trying, I guess." Bugs sighed, lowering the string, leaving it inches from the cat's nose. Puss let out a little whimper.
"I must fulfill my assignment… and yet… I find the string… strangely… intriguing…" the cat whispered, his eyes wide.
The string touched his nose.
"F-forgive me, father." Puss was barely able to say before, in a sudden, violent movement, he was on his back, the string gripped tightly in his paws, his teeth gnawing frantically on it.
"Cats. Gets 'em every time." Bugs remarked as he sauntered away. "I wonder if… ghhhk!"
In a flash Puss was on Bugs' shoulders, using the piece of string as a garrote. "You will soon learn that Puss in Boots is no ordinary feline." He growled.
"Cough, cough No kiddin'…?" Bugs asked, gasping for breath. "Ain't that interesting?" he then reached up behind him and gently scratched a small spot just between his assailant's shoulder blades.
"Purrrrr… will you stop that… purrrrrr… insolent rabbit?" Puss demanded, even as his grip began to loosen. But Bugs gently continued to scratch, until Puss was but a boneless mass stretched out on the ground, sighing contentedly.
Suddenly Puss leaped to his feet, his eyes alight with fury. That rabbit had made a fool of him by preying on his baser tendencies and escaped! Well, he would not get away with it. It would end with him on the wrong end of Puss' blade. Puss leaped towards the hole and dove in, landing on his feet, his sword at the ready. "Your time has come, rabbit!" he snarled.
"Well, whaddya know." Bugs remarked. "Ain't that always the way? Company shows up when I'm cleanin' up the joint." He turned and revealed that he was holding… a vacuum cleaner.
Puss gasped in horror. "Oh, no, no, no! Por favor… por muchos favor…" Bugs idly thumbed a switch. The vacuum roared to life.
"MADRE DE DIOS!" Puss shrieked, his fur standing on end in blind panic. He scrambled back up the ladder, and didn't stop until he was at the very top of a nearby tree, shivering with terror.
By this point, Shrek had finally regained consciousness. He had a throbbing headache, partially because of the kick to the head he had received minutes ago, and partially because of Donkey's continued moaning from the nearby hole.
"And now I'll never be able to be a concert pianist…" Donkey sobbed to himself.
"Donkey, if anything on you goes, I hope it's the mouth that gives out first." Shrek sighed, reaching into the hole and pulling Donkey out.
"Wait a minute… I ain't blind!" Donkey was euphoric. "I can see! I can SEE! It's a MIRACLE!"
"Donkey…" Shrek interrupted.
"Ooh, watch out, Dragon!" Donkey hooted, trotting in place. "Your man's comin' home, and he's feelin' FRISKY!"
"Donkey!" Shrek yelled, grabbing Donkey by the scruff of the neck. "There's no time for this! We've gotta take care of that rabbit!"
"No way, Shrek!" Donkey countered. "I ain't messin' with him again! That hole thing was a TRAUMATIC experience for me!"
"That is no ordinary rabbit!" Puss shouted from the tree, crossing himself with one paw. "He has powers beyond anything I've seen!"
"Ah, you two." Shrek dismissed with a wave of his hand. "Go ahead, run away. But that rabbit's gonna pay for getting on an ogre's wrong side!" He jumped into the rabbit hole and climbed the ladder down.
"Go get 'im, Shrek!" Donkey shouted. "You show that rabbit who's boss!"
"He's gonna get trounced." Puss sighed.
"Oh, yeah." Donkey agreed with a slight wince.
Inside the rabbit hole, Shrek looked around, fists clenched. "All right, rabbit. This'll only hurt ye for a few seconds." He growled. It was then that he spotted something appetizing sitting on the kitchen table. "Marinated garden slugs!" Shrek couldn't believe his luck. "Well, an ogre hates to brawl on an empty stomach…" he stuffed the slimy snack into his mouth, not noticing Bugs hiding around the corner, holding a half-empty box of baking soda. "All right, rabbit." Shrek announced, wiping the last remnants of green slime from his mouth. "Now get out here and we'll… urp…"
Outside, Donkey and Puss watched from a safe distance. "It is too quiet." Puss declared.
"Yeah, you're right." Donkey added. "You'd think Shrek would make more noise than that. I wonder if…"
BOOM! Suddenly a massive explosion shook the surrounding area, Shrek shooting out of the hole like a firecracker. He crashed back to earth, dazed and blackened.
"What the heck you think you're doin', Shrek?" Donkey demanded.
"Boss! What happened?" Puss asked.
"He musta put something in those slugs!" Shrek wheezed, coughing up some black smoke. "He turned my own belch against me!"
"Why, of all the colossal nerve! You're not gonna let him get away with that, right, Shrek?" Donkey declared. "Shrek…?" He turned and saw that Shrek was now sitting forlornly on a nearby rock.
"I never wanted to take this job, y'know." Shrek sighed. "I just wanted to be able to afford a decent anniversary present..."
"Hey, don't take it like that, Shrek." Donkey said, trying to be comforting. "Just being married to a… uh… healthy specimen such as yourself should be all that any woman would want."
"Ah, how little the foolish burro knows of the fairer sex." Puss sneered.
"So says the only SINGLE guy in this discussion!" Donkey shot back.
"You wound me deeply." Puss snorted.
"Eh, why the long face, Mac?" Bugs asked, coming up from behind. "I thought you green giants were supposed to be jolly."
"Agh, leave us alone, Mr. Rabbit." Shrek growled. "We're gonna leave ya in peace now. We know when we're licked."
"Well, I couldn't help overhearin' your little conundrum there." Bugs replied. "I was just wonderin' who in the woild would hire somebody like you to take out little ol' me."
"Eh, he said he was a former friend of yours." Shrek responded. "He said you turned him into a duck."
"A duck, eh?" Bugs replied, beginning to understand the truth. "C'mon, fellows, I got something to tell ya. Step inside. I've got some carrot cake…"
"Carrot cake!" Donkey leaped up. "Ooh, I just LOVE carrot cake! With cream cheese icing, and maybe a few chipped walnuts…!" Puss sighed something unintelligible, but he joined the rest of the group.
An hour later, both Bugs and Shrek now knew the full story. Shrek was furious that he had been tricked so. "Oh, that's it! I'm gonna go down and wring that duck's scrawny neck!"
"Ooh, you said it, Shrek!" Donkey added. "Let's baste him like a Christmas goose! Mmm… maybe with a little plum sauce…"
"Treacherous anatidus will pay for deceiving Puss in Boots!" Puss hissed.
"Whoa, whoa, guys. I got a better idea." Bugs piped up. "Now, I'd be more than happy to finance yer little romantic getaway, if you'll do me a little favour. Are you in tight with the folks who make those magic potions?"
"Oh, sure." Shrek shrugged. "I can get that stuff at discount."
"Well, here's what I want you to do, Doc." Bugs said, leaning to whisper something into Shrek's trumpet-shaped ear.
The ogre's face twisted to a vengeful grin. "I like it! I like it!"
-
Back at the Crossover Club, Daffy was getting impatient. "Looks like I'd better find another sucker." He grumbled. "I guess that stupid ogre couldn't cut it either." He sighed and took another sip of his espresso. "Now, who do you suppose I could…"
Suddenly Daffy was trapped in a convulsive coughing fit. He gasped and wheezed until finally, he coughed up a large multi-coloured egg. "What the…!" he demanded, examining his coffee. "I'm gonna get that lousy busboy canned! There is no excuse for someone like myself to be subjected to such…"
Suddenly the egg shook, rattled, cracked, and hatched. And what hatched was a ten-foot tall furry monster. "YIKES!" Daffy shrieked as the beast grabbed him in one massive hand.
"Da… da…" the behemoth cooed, cuddling Daffy close to him in a crushing hug.
"Somebody is going to pay for this…" Daffy snarled.
THE END
Next Episode:
Hasta La Vista, Bunny