A/n: So it's all down to this. This is indeed the last chapter. Never thought it would end this way. It's almost depressing how my mind is always filled with sorrowful things when it comes to how a fic should end. I guess I just kinda like making people suffer from sadness at finding out or…heh…not finding out that a certain couple didn't get together…or someone died or something…or someone was raped…something like that. I started typing this chapter at 12:07 p.m. on Sunday five weeks ago. Hope you guys are as happy as I am that I finally found some inspiration to write this chapter. And I'm so grateful to all of you who read this fic! Seriously, it was great knowing that people enjoy this sorta stuff. And for those of you who are smart and are reading this…I'm actually going to start writing a novel based on this fic. And just so you guys know the book will have the SAME EXACT TITLE! So be on the look out. I'm probably going to start working on it (If some sort of miracle happens) this next weekend. (Doubt it, really I do) And if not this upcoming weekend then Spring Break ok? (I'll force myself to work on it during Spring Break if I haven't already) So just keep an eye out and for one last time THIS IS THE FINAL CHAPTER! Thank you, all of you. Be prepared for the water works. This chapter is so depressing. But then again…so was the whole fic…(snicker)
Chapter 5 Torn Are Thy Graceful Wings
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock Tick, Tock
God, that sound is so annoying it's almost calming, too calming. I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I wish Krad would say something already.
Krad sits in the small wooden chair by the door staring at the ground with an almost worried frown. His white button up shirt is slightly open revealing a bit of his chest. His dark navy blue jeans look quite snug on him. His gaze shifts to me as I lay in bed like a dead body in a casket. Bandages cover both of my arms up to my elbow. I stare at the ceiling with an occasional glance at the clock on the right bedside table.
"Krad…say something."
Krad continues to look distressed at the sapphire colored carpet, "What would you like me to say?"
Shrugging I say, "I don't know. Anything?"
He sighs and looks up at me, "I don't know what to say."
I turn to my side giving Krad a bored look, "Anything Krad, just tell me what you're thinking about right now without even thinking about it."
"I don't think that's possible Satoshi-sama."
"Sure it is. I've done it so you should be able to also."
Krad glances at the window and replies, "There is a squirrel staring at me outside the window."
I can't help it. I burst out laughing noticing how I just made Krad frown even more.
"Really?"
Krad nods towards the window to the left side of the bed.
"See for yourself."
I look and sure enough there's a little baby squirrel eating a nut while staring directly at Krad. I begin to laugh again.
"Maybe he's picturing your head as the acorn."
Obviously disturbed he closes his eyes and replies, "I don't think that's anything to laugh about."
Turning back to the squirrel I mumble, "You're right. It might actually be in love with you or something. You can't tell with animals. That's why I never know what you could possibly be thinking."
Krad opens his eyes and looks at me with such…emotion having heard my comment and I catch his stare shivering. Was that despair that I just saw flashing through your golden eyes?
The worried look on his face returns, "Are you alright Satoshi-sama?"
I pull the thin light grey blanket closer around myself.
"Yeah, I'm just a little cold, that's all."
Standing up Krad leaves the room only to return a few seconds later with a thick wool blanket in his hand. Hesitating for a moment he walks over to the bed and gently wraps the blanket around me. It feels kind of nice to be taken care of. I can feel his hands wrapping the blanket around my back too. It's almost like a massage.
Suddenly an image of when I had earlier yelled and broke down in front of him appeared in my mind along with an inexplicable urge to apologize for my behavior.
Catching Krad's hand as soon as he pulled back I say, "I'm sorry for earlier. I know it's not your fault that this is happening."
He just shakes his head and kisses my hand. I can't help but notice how soft his lips were. They were gentle and warm, smooth and pleasant. As he lifts his head and looks at me I feel like I've lost the welcomed warmth so I pull the blankets a little tighter.
"No, it is partly my fault. And while at first you accusing me was highly understandable I'm pleased that you have come to the conclusion as I have. We can not blame just one person for this. Jealousy is the main reason for why any of this happened. I'm sure that all the evidence points to me but I was merely trying to prove my point. Everyone is ignoring another person's feelings and emotions. To make you love me and be selfish was not my intention. I know that I've caused so much pain and I will be leaving as soon as I know that you are well. I thought the least I can do is tell you why I'm going whether you care about the reason or not."
Krad turns away leaving me to stare at him with my mouth open.
He's leaving? I can't believe it. He's really leaving. Everything that happened will be a thing in the past, just a wasted empty space in his memory. Where will he go anyway? He can't leave! He can't just walk away from this all!
"You can't leave! I forbid you to leave!"
Krad turns suddenly fixing me with an incredulous look, "You forbid me? Why would you forbid me? I thought this was what you wanted. Isn't this what you wanted, to be free of me and my unbearable presence?"
I hardly know what to say. Isn't that what I want? Is that not what I've wanted since the first time I knew of his unwanted presence? Didn't I used to ask for nothing more then to be ridden of his malicious spirit? I can barely look him in the face while I mumble, "I just…don't know anymore, Krad…I-I'm sorry."
I can't seem to form anymore words. Where will you go? Who will you have? Will you be all alone…by yourself? Why do I even care? But the more I think about being free of your existence, the more I feel the terrible dryness and suffocating lump in my throat. Why do I even care? Why do I even care?
"I'm sorry…."
There is nothing else that I can possibly say. There is nothing else that I can possibly do.
I can only sit wrapped up in blankets, whispering how sorry I am for everything I've ever done to you while feeling suddenly like a very lost child, like the crying child inside of me. I feel so lost… and alone.
What more can I possibly say? You should leave. You should stay away from me. I've never made you feel welcomed. I've never returned the feelings that you claim to have for me. A wave of anxiety washes over me. What am I really sorry for? Am I sorry for how wrong I've treated you? Am I sorry for how all this even started? Am I sorry for all the past regrets I still have? But what still confuses me is why I even care.
"…Krad."
I feel like I'm waiting for something. I just have no clue as to what it is that I'm waiting for. But I feel it. I'm waiting for something, something needed. Is it my death? Am I waiting for cold, permanent death? I hear the rustling of clothing and a clink of metal hitting something fragile. It must be Krad's crucifix hitting the doorknob on his way out.
My death seems needed to me right now. I mean like I said I have absolutely nothing to live for. But something in me tells me that my death isn't the answer. So what is it that I'm really waiting for?
Treasured warmth surrounds me and I close my eyes in contentment. A silent sigh escapes my lips. Why are you still here? You should leave. You should stay away. You couldn't really care about me. You couldn't really care. Please, tell me that you don't. I don't deserve this.
You whisper my name softly. I can feel your lips brush my ear while you speak my name. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. Why was I disgusted with you to begin with anyway? I don't deserve the little comfort that you possess.
"I love you my Satoshi-sama. I love you."
I don't deserve you.
"I love you."
What am I waiting for? Or could it be that it is not me that is waiting for something?
"I love you."
I revel in the feel of your hands rubbing my bare back. When did you take off the blankets or for that matter my shirt? A shiver runs down my spine. I hardly feel like running away. But there is a very small piece of me that doesn't agree with the rest of my body. And I still can't seem to understand.
"Krad, what are you waiting for?"
All too suddenly your hands come to a stop. You slowly lean back, your eyes connecting with mine. What are you waiting for Krad? Something shines in your sparkling suns but you look away before I can catch it. As my gaze follows your movements, mainly your breathing and how it is becoming harsher, a white sheet of paper catches my eye. There is an envelope neatly placed on the windowsill where the bird used to be.
"Where did that come from?"
You look to me, your eyes fog over and you quickly open the window and snatch the paper. Did the bird leave it? Quickly ripping the envelope you skim through the contents then place the letter in front of me for my reading. I pick it up tentatively and recognize the handwriting as soon as I first lay eyes on the letter. Looking through it almost as fast as Krad I whisper, "Dark wants to meet us," I put the paper down and switch from the feeble voice to a firm tone, "Do you know why?"
You shake your head and stay looking out the window. A drop of water taps against the glass. I hurry to get dressed. And all too quickly I forget the bout of despair that I felt only moments ago.
Walking quickly across the park's partially wet grass and over to an equally wet bench I take a seat, Krad following, and wait for my famous thief to show. I notice Krad holding out his finger for a snow white bird. It strangely looks like it hops as it bounces from the bench side to his finger. He gently strokes it. I quickly become so focused on his petting that as soon as the memory of him stroking my bare back appears a shiver runs down my spine. I vaguely notice how it's sprinkling. But I just can't look away from his hand and that bird. I guess he finally realizes how I'm staring at him because he glances my way and smiles. Almost immediately I bite my lip. Why do I suddenly feel so nervous?
He looks at my lip then into my eyes and slowly starts to reach over to me. Right when his fingers brush my face he withdraws his hand cursing. I crane my neck to see what he's glaring at. My eyes meet violet pools of slight amusement. The flare of red hair catches my eye. Looking to the right of Dark I give a weak smile at Daisuke. Like a tiny flame being fed to burst into an all out murderous fire I feel the numbing coldness of guilt grow into tremendous icy regret. Great, now I have more gasoline to feed my forest fire of self loathing. I really was too harsh on him. It wasn't just his fault. And Daisuke isn't cruel like that. He isn't cruel like…
Taking a fleeting look at Krad I cut off that foolish thought. He's not that bad. He's not that malicious. Or at least he isn't anymore. The said thief hunter stands up, the dangerous glint in his eyes back in full force now.
"Dark, how have you been since our last coincidental encounter?"
With this Krad gave an asinine smirk. Dark grimaces and I just barely catch his muttering of, "Fine asshole."
I stay in my seat, glancing between the two every time one of them makes a remark. Shaking his finger at Dark in both amusement and mocking disapproval, Krad replies, "Oh, not nice at all Mousy. There are children about. Should your absentmindedness go beyond that of a mere child I'll have to see to it that your punishment is also fit for a mere infant. Will I have to give you a spanking Dark?"
Seeing Krad make such a statement almost makes me want to crack up right in front of them. But sucking up my own honest amusement I carry on my position as the audience giving Daisuke a side ways glance as he sits down beside me. Chuckling with mock jovialness Dark returns with his own sarcastic reply, "But Krad, you seem to have forgotten that it is not I who plays amongst the children in the most atrocious ways, but you. So wouldn't it mean that it could only be you who is the mere infant here?"
Krad maintains his stern gaze while putting on an attractive grin of befitting defiance.
"So then which one of us has the longer list of evidence on our amount of immature status?"
Dark shrugs, "Would you like to count them up? I'd be more then happy to share all of your faults."
Krad sighs, crosses his arms, and says with obvious sarcasm, "Well I'm afraid that I shall have to decline your generous offer to continue with this lovely discussion on our numerous juvenile ways. The much needed excitement is positively tickling me! Oh, but then we've had quite a bit excitement already, do you not agree?"
The phantom thief frowns.
"Yes, you are indeed right," a look of unconcealed malevolence flickers on his face then leaves almost as if it were only a ghost to be replaced with a dashing beam, "Though it could've been a blast reminiscing in the dark days."
Leaves scrape against the grass and the rain turns from a sprinkle to a drizzle. But the only two people who insist on insulting each other give the impression of thinking it were a busy hot summer's day, what with their infantile style of humoring themselves.
"Disturbingly so Dark. Rekindling old times is still ever so attractive but that is not why we're here now is it? Why have you brought us here?"
Dark casts a fleeting look at Daisuke.
"I thought about…what you had told me in our...," He clears his throat and smirks, "as you called it, our 'coincidental encounter'."
"Oh? Is that so?"
Dark looks at the ground and starts scratching his head. He looks dangerously cute.
"Yeah. And I…I finally know…how you must feel. What has happened was our punishment. I understand now. We've all been so caught up with our own emotions. We never stopped to think about anyone else. We never stopped to think about who else we might've been affecting. To feel like you're drowning in frozen water…it's…unbearable, so excruciatingly painful that it's suffocating me. I can't take it anymore Krad! I feel like I'm dying too slowly!"
He coughs, "But you see, Daisuke is dying slowly too. How can we fixed this? How can we fix the mistakes that we have spent our entire lives making? We've only ever thought of ourselves. How can we fix that? You can't mend a broken heart. And this misery is eating us alive."
Looking down at the little red head I notice how much he's changed since our dilemma. His eyes have lost their bright amber glow to take on a dull darkish red. Dry tear streaks run down his cheeks. His lips are in a constant pout. His skin is pale of malnourishment. The guilt has now built up to the point where gagging appeals to me. Healthy? I doubt it much.
Switching my gaze to Krad I notice he no longer has even a slight trace of humor left in him. A scowl is all that's left. Even so his beauty stays the same. His soaked shirt clings to him and is transparent enough for me to see his well formed chest. I can just barely feel myself hoping for another one of the few smiles I've seen from him to shine like a twinkling star in my face. He narrows his eyes and says, "I know that. So our only solution is to move on. You and Daisuke have a chance. I'm sure that in a few months he'll have forgotten about me or even my name."
Daisuke opens his mouth as if to protest. Dark puts up a hand, effectively subduing him.
"So Krad. I know you've already made up your mind about what you're going to do."
Krad sneers, "I see, so do you know exactly what it is that I am going to do?"
Dark takes out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. Lighting one up, pushing it between his lips, then disposing of the lighter and cigarette pack with every movement seeming of pure casualness takes a deep drag and exhales. His eyes glaze over as he responds, "We're two sides of the same coin. I know everything about you. I am you. I feel what you feel. I know what you know. And I have decided to do the same. They'll be better along without us. They can move on with their lives. They don't need us. We've only ever been just a curse. I understand now."
Taking a deep shuddering breath he lets out a sob. All his casualness leaves in just one breath. His hand covers his face. His shoulders are shaking but he still manages to choke out, "I'm going with you!"
Krad's stoic façade remains the same. His voice matches him completely.
"I thought you would. I feel extremely satisfied that my plan has worked out so well," his voice softens, "How could we have been so selfish? We don't belong here. This is for the best."
Dark whispers his agreement. And like a thousand needles plunging through my heart I gasp and clench my fists, realization burning inside my chest. Krad turns to me and an unknown emotion flashes in his golden eyes. Why? Why are you leaving me?
"I just don't get it. I don't get it! Why are both of you leaving us?"
I turn to Daisuke to see him weeping uncontrollably. Fresh new tears follow the same tracks of the old. His hands grip his knees and the more he cries I notice, the more the rain pours as he repeats why over and over again. I'm sure he knows why. Even I know why. But being in denial is to me a much better way to turn then facing the facts and knowing that it's our fault that their leaving us. Warm water trails down my cheeks. Blinking and feeling more warm water coming from my eyes I let out my own choked sob. I feel someone wrap their arms around me. Through the tears in my eyes the sight of luscious locks of gold still shines. I return the hug instantly. But the crying becomes harsher. Don't leave. Don't leave me.
"Don't g-go!"
Krad's arms tighten and I bury my face in the crook of his neck trying to hold back my tears. The rain pours down my sorrow. It seems that all I can hear right now is crying. I hardly notice how Dark's embracing Daisuke as they cry together. Krad's hand moves from my back to my face and tilts my chin. His soft smooth lips touch mine quieting my sobs. I hear him speak softly in my ear, "You are my everything. Don't mourn for me my darling. Forget me."
He kisses me one last time.
"Forget me."
His fingers run through my hair then slide off my cheek while he stands up and takes a step back. His eyes are sparkling like radiant diamonds. I don't deserve those tears. How can you ask me to forget you? How can you even think I'm capable of such a thing?
"Krad I..."
Kradshakes his headand he smiles while his tears flow free. My own droplets of despair still run. And as I watch Krad and Dark vanish into the shadowing rainy sky I know my tears will always run if not down my face then forever within me.
"What a long boring day at school."
I turn to Daisuke. His eyes have changed so much. I still remember how they used to sparkle his charming innocence. Slowly they hardened and became like hard rocks of garnet. But now that our mysterious halves have left without a trace his eyes shine with genuine warmth and at the same time showing wisdom. The disappearance of our friends, though my friendship with Krad took longer to develop, left us feeling in Daisuke's case slightly suicidal and in my case broken and with an abundance of loneliness. Somehow we managed to stay friends for the rest of 8th grade and plus. The need of someone to understand ourselves conquered the many differences of our personalities.
"Yeah, today was pretty boring."
The red head grins, stretches, and yawns, his childish ways show improvement. At least he didn't let out a weird cat like meow like he did before. He opens his eyes and straightens. His movements are slow giving the appearance of an older man. His gaze is misty as he stares into the distance. With a far away voice he murmurs, "It's been exactly one year since they left…one year…on this very same day."
Indeed it has. My great fifteen years of age still long for the dangerous blonde. I suffer a sudden ache in my chest.
"Would you like to come over for dinner Daisuke?"
Peering up at me with the corners of his lips tilting upwards, he nods vigorously. I let my own lips smile and I say, "Around seven ok?"
"Sure! See ya around!"
With an energetic wave he runs down the street and out of sight. My own feet lead me to the corner bus stop. I don't have to wait long and boarding the bus I notice the simultaneous sprinkling of the rain. It really is the day of their departure. I'm grateful to have Daisuke to make it through the colossal loss of this tragic day.
I'm pretty tired. School just sucks the life right out of you. But if it wasn't for school and Daisuke I might've never gotten over Krad leaving. We had gone nearly a whole year living with them and then we go a whole year living without them. Our nightly routine of cat and mouse lost, it took so long to stop trying to walk out my door ready for another night of fun. But I've grown and I know I can deal with anything, especially heart break. I'm not sure if I'm really over him. I still turn down every girl that asks me out even though I do have time for girlfriends now. It's been a whole year and my wings are still broken.
Glancing around at all the fellow passengers I notice how there are fewer and fewer people getting on the bus. More people keep pouring out. I'm still waiting to be on the bus alone. Staring out my window I look at all the trees going by. Their green leaves dripping with the rain. The steady tapping of the droplets against the window would be calming if I weren't so full of anxiety. Seeing all the people walking by in the rain, some couples sharing romance under an umbrella, two girls talking with cheerful smiles on their faces, little kids running and splashing in the mud puddles almost makes me wish I were one of them, someone normal and carefree. My childhood wasn't even that great except for those miracle moments when my parents weren't arguing and they'd want to spend some family time at the park. Maybe now I can find some normality with Krad being gone and me quitting my job as the police chief. I'm surprised my step father even let me off the chore so easily.
The obvious business man with the suitcase and trench coat covering his business suit leaves the bus. I'm now by myself except for the driver. The seats now empty as usual every day at this certain time it's sorta like they were never occupied to begin with. The ride is so very peaceful. The feeling of riding this bus forever appeals to me. But then what would the guy say when he goes to drop off the bus at wherever the busses get dropped off at and the guy sees a kid still riding it? That would be so awkward I can't even imagine. That also seems to symbolize how no matter what road you take there will always be a destination. If I could ride this bus for the rest of my life I wouldn't mind. But that gives off the feeling that I'm running away from something.
The kindergarten playground with the cherry blossom tree looks as if it's a snap shot from some memory of many a mind. Telling the bus to stop I get off the bus and walk to my favorite swing. I can hardly care that it's wet.
"Hi Satoshi!"
I find myself staring into the familiar welcoming eyes of my little friend Sakura. She sits on the swing beside me and I stand up to give her a boost. Her cute giggles inspire me to laugh myself. It's amusing how children can be entertained so easily. I take my seat beside her and resume my swinging.
"Hey Satoshi?"
"Yes?"
She grins and says, "Do you think mommy will let me come over today?"
"Sure. I'll give your mother a call later and ask."
Sakura gives another delightful laugh and replies with much enthusiasm, "Ok!"
I remember so well of how I met Sakura this exact day last year. I guess it's the anniversary of our friendship. About a week later I had found her again at the playground with her mother and we introduced ourselves. After that I started working for her mother, babysitting Sakura every Friday and delivering flowers for her customers at her shop. I guess that also helped me get over my illness.
Peering down at my watch I realize it's now a little past five. I still have some homework to do plus cooking dinner what with Daisuke coming over and all. Normally I just have some ramen or take out since I practically live alone.
"Well, Sakura, I gotta go so I'll see about you coming over later ok?"
Sakura nods as she waves and I walk the rest of the way home.
Placing my hand on the door knob I feel a sudden shiver crawl down my spine. Slowly I open the door. Everything looks alright. The empty pot is still on the stove. A pair of worn out jeans are still dead in the middle of the living room and a pile of clean clothes are in the armchair. This place looks like a college student's apartment. Though there's something lying delicately on the counter that I did not leave out. A picture of my mother holding a shy five year old with dry tear streaks trailing down his face, sucking on a finger with a small band aid on the knuckle sits patiently for me.
I hesitate, noticing my heart pounding in my ears, and slowly pick up the picture. Gaping at it for a bit I hear a silky woman's voice call my name. I turn and see a young woman in her late twenties smiling pleasantly at me. She holds out her hand and repeats, "Come here Satoshi. It's ok, mamma's here now."
As she bends down I follow her gaze to a sobbing child who sits with his knees up to his chest and a thin trail of blood trickling off his finger. She embraces the child and strokes his hair while whispering sweet calming words, "It's ok. I'm here now sweetie. Mamma's here. It'll be alright. I promise. It'll be alright."
She picks up the child and leads him to the sink which I finally notice is no longer belonging to my apartment, and rinses his cut. Dabbing at the finger with a paper towel and taking out a band aid from her purse she wraps the band aid around the finger and kisses it. Still smiling she says, "There, all better now. Your fine now. It's all right."
The child buries his head in the crook of her neck as she rocks the child continuing to whisper, "It'll be alright."
She turns to me and looks me in the face but I know she's not really staring at me and repeats, "It'll be alright."
Her dark brown locks turn to gold and chocolate eyes turn to topaz. And now Krad stands before me holding out his hand saying, "It'll be alright. I promise. It'll be alright. I'm here now Satoshi. I'm here."
The image slowly fades away leaving me to stare hopelessly in the quiet vacant room. I break down sobbing, the rain still pouring steadily outside. A flash of lightening and a boom of thunder shake the apartment. The sound of something hard falling to the carpeted floor comes from my room and I run to the door gasping.
The window is wide open letting the rain soak the carpet and the curtains thrash with the wind. A picture of me in a swing from that snowy day so long ago lay on the floor by the bed. On the bed rests a single white feather. A sob escapes my lips as a gust of wind picks up the feather and leads it floating to my nightstand.
Walking over I pick up the feather and picture. Taking a seat on the bed I let the tears flow as I stare at the picture then I turn to the window. The rain drowns out my crying. I let the picture fall from my hand to the ground…
…of Krad smiling as the snow falls around him.
The feather slowly floats away.
A/n: And here is where I stare at this thinking...omg...this was so f'ing sappy. Oh well ) At least the rest of the chapters were good enough to make up for this fluffy junk. I'm more of a angst lover so ya know. But hey, if you'd like to read the poem on the next page that this fic was partly planned on then go ahead! It was fun while it lasted and believe me, it lasted for a long time.And like I said, keep a look out for the book that I shall write! Tootles! R&R!
