/N Bonjour mon belles amis! Comment ca va? Je suis tres stupide! Updating now. Thanks everyone for the reviews, gave me a warm fuzzy. Hey! I don't even have to fight my own battles, I'll just get mushyMUSH to! And I guess by saying I want honesty, I meant 'make it sound like honesty but really lie to me and tell me the story is great' o well, doesn't really matter does it? Enough babbling, here's the fic.

Disclaimer: The lord of the rings is owned by some people. I am not one of these people. I have tried to become one of these people but the restraining orders have gotten in the way of me obtaining my goal. I do have a plastic dollar store Sting though, so I think we know who won here. Hahahahahahahahahahaha hears the fic.

Frodo didn't feel like partying after his uncle/cousin left so he walked/skipped back to his hole/pencil. He opened the door/pants to find his uncle/presidents ring/dog bone. Gandalf was sitting on a chair by the fireplace muttering to himself.

"Puzzles in the light….my prerogative… wait ten minutes then flip, wait until side turns a golden brown, then sprinkle with some paprika," the wizard muttered.

"He's really gone!" Frodo said and began to cry.

Gandalf stirred, and then said sarcastically, "Yeah, this must be so hard for you if only you had had some notice."

"I know!" the hobbit agreed between sobs. The tears gushing from his enormous eyes had now formed quite a large pool of eye juice on the floor.

Gandalf turned to the weeping hobbit, "Bag End is yours now, and the dog bo – I mean ring." Gandalf got up and pried Frodo's hand open to get the ring, "we must keep it somewhere out of site." The wizard said as he threw the ring across the room. It landed on the middle of the floor with a thud. It didn't bounce ooooooooooooooooooo…creepy.

"What are you doing?" Frodo asked.

Gandalf shrugged, "I'm sure it will be hidden wherever it lands. You know I'm a - ."

Frodo silenced the wizard with his hand, "that's okay, its okay, never mind – I don't care. Now let's just get some sleep. At least you're still with me."

Gandalf went over to the door, "nope, I'm leaving too."

"But, why?"

"Because I um, have, uh, questions about – things, you know things that need answering. There's also um – a recipe – that I've wanted to - . You know what Frodo?! It's not a hobbits business what an important wizard like me needs to do, so you can just stop shooting all these tough questions at me okay?"

Frodo stared blankly for a couple minutes, and then shook his head, "but – you've only just arrived! I don't understand!"

"Of course you don't understand youdaft hobbit! Although I have just clearly pointed out to you what is going on! I just need to leave now. You think I want to help you clean up after that party? That Pippin fellow and his friend Marcus vomited all over everything. Just keep the ring secret, keep it safe," Gandalf opened the door and moved to walk out.

Frodo nodded, not understanding anything. He pointed to the ring on the floor, in clear view for anyone to see, if it caught the light you could probably see it from outside too, "can I move - ?"

"No Frodo! Geez you hobbits are so simple! Just – bye!" Gandalf walk out and slammed the door behind him. Unfortunately it fell off his hinges and the wizard had to stick around a bit longer to make sure that Frodo got the door safely back on.

When everything was set right, Gandalf opened the door and moved to walk out again, "no Frodo! Geez you hobbits are so simple! Just – bye!" This time the door was shut lightly.

"Bye," said Frodo sadly. (awwwwwwwwwww)

He looked at the ring on the floor, very concerned that it didn't' bounce.

Meanwhile at the dungeons of Barad-Dur….

"Middle Earth!" Gollum cried "Creature!"

The gates of Minus Morgul opened and nine riders dressed all in hot pink (the horses too!) came out to go get the ring for their master.

And while that was happening, check out what happened in Minas Tirith…

Gandalf had ridden to Minas Tirith to read some lost scrolls or something (all by his wittle self!) and found some mildly interesting stuff. It told us stuff we already know so who really cares about that part?

Back in the Shire…

A hobbit was chopping wood in front of his home. His dog keeps barking until finally his axe slips and the barking ceases. The hobbit is approached by a pink rider.

"Middle Earth," it hissed, "creature."

"What?" the hobbit asked.

The pink rider moved its horse towards the hobbit menacingly and the hobbit moved back to his door fearfully.

"There's no Bagginses around here, they're all up in Hobbiton. That way."

The pink wraith then galloped off into the night.

After a night of hard drinking, Frodo went back to his lonely hole to sleep. It was tiring work explaining to Sam why it wasn't necessary that he spend the night and that he was quite capable of tucking himself into bed. Just as Frodo shut the door, Gandalf jumped out at him.

"Boo!"

"Ah! Holy geez! You scared me Gandalf!"

Gandalf nodded, "damn right I did."

Frodo swallowed and composed himself, well as well as he could in his drunken state, "so what's – ah – up bud?"

"We've no time for small talk Frodo. Where's the ring?" Gandalf demanded, shaking Frodo.

Frodo didn't say anything, he just pointed to the spot on the floor where Gandalf had thrown the ring.

"Ah yes," the wizard bent down, picked up the ring, and threw it in the fireplace.

"Would you stop throwing that thing around?" Frodo cried and ran to the fireplace.

Gandalf didn't answer and fished the ring out of the fire with some tongs, "hold out your hand, it's quite cool."

Frodo held out his hand to receive the ring. When it was dropped onto his palm though, there was a sizzling noise and the hobbit cried out in pain.

Gandalf smiled, "gotcha again youdaft little thing. You are the most gullible creature imaginable."

Frodo forced his grimace to turn into a smile, "yeah, you got me. You stupid little git." He mumbled the last part under his breath.

Gandalf picked up the ring and handed it to Frodo again, this time there was no burning of people's skin, "what do you see? Can you see anything?"

Frodo nodded, "yes, there are markings. It says 'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to - ."

"There are few who can. The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here," Gandalf interrupted.

Frodo was used to his wizard friend being useless so he went along, "is that right? Mordor? Wow, you're so smart Gandalf."

"Yes well, we can't all be useless like you now can we?"

"I guess not." Frodo rolled his eyes.

The two were then magically transported to the kitchen. Frodo had a mug of tea in his hand and Gandalf was wearing a bonnet.

"Well anyways, this is the One Ring. It was forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom, taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself," Gandalf continued.

"But didn't Sauron die when his finger was cut off?" Frodo asked.

"Isildur…" whispered the Ring.

Gandalf and Frodo looked alarmed at the gold band.

"How 'bout you not talk when I'm about to?" Gandalf told the Ring.

"You can go to hell…" whispered the Ring again.

Gandalf shook his head, "the Ring wasn't destroyed so it only makes sense that Sauron's spirit didn't die because it is tied to the Ring."

"Uh huh," Frodo nodded, confused.

"Well the Dark Lord is looking for it now. All his thought is bent on it."

Frodo got up, knocking over the table and causing Gandalf's bonnet to become crooked, "Well then we put it away. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?" Then Frodo turns to Gandalf after a pause, "do they Gandalf?"

"Uh, nope I don't think so." The wizard replied.

"Oh, well – good," Frodo then moved to put the Ring away in a cabinet.

"Actually - ," Gandalf started and Frodo paused, "there was one who knew about the Ring. I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. Well not everywhere, almost everywhere. Actually now that I remember I meant to look for Gollum but I got side-tracked, you know how these things are. Anyways, they tortured him a lot and amidst the babble, they discerned two words: Middle Earth, Creature."

"Middle Earth? Creature? Why that would lead them here!" Frodo cried, "take it Gandalf, take it!"

"Okay," Gandalf said and reached out to receive the Ring.

Frodo hesitated and held the Ring back, "actually never mind. What must I do?"

After he spoke these words, Frodo found himself packing up his stuff, Gandalf's bonnet was now replaced with a top hat.

"Get out of the Shire. Make for the village of Bree," Gandalf told his short friend, "make for the Inn of the Prancing Pony."

Frodo nodded, "sure thing. What about you?"

"I'm going to see Saruman, alone. He's super strong and probably crazy from researching the Enemy for so long. He'll know what to do…maybe," Gandalf nodded.

"Not if he's half the loon you are," Frodo muttered.

"What?" Gandalf asked.

"I said not if he's half the loon you are," Frodo answered as he finished packing.

"Oh, yeah that's what I thought," Gandalf nodded and shrugged.

The two were now magically transported so that Frodo was all ready to go and Gandalf had a green parrot named Smitty resting on his head. A bandage was around Frodo's now infected burnt hand.

"Is your hand going to be okay?" Gandalf asked.

Frodo nodded, "well you know what they say 'it's all fun and games until someone's hand is burnt until the skin is completely black and peeling off his body."

"Yes I heard that one," Gandalf nodded. Awkward silence, "well, um, hobbits are cool. You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years, they can still surprise you."

There was suddenly a large fart heard from outside.

"Get down!" Gandalf ordered Frodo, who dropped to the floor immediately.

Gandalf went over to the window and pulled up a wriggling figure from outside then threw it on the table.

"Smelly old Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eves dropping?" Gandalf yelled.

"Um…no?" Sam said hopefully as Smitty began to peck at his hair. Then when Gandalf raised his staff over him he said, "I mean I did hear a great deal about a Dark Lord and something about a recipe but… but please Mister Gandalf, don't turn me into anything unnatural."

"Pfft, fine. I guess Smitty's not getting a girlfriend after all. No, I think I've though of a better use for you."

Hey did that chapter suck or what? I'm not kidding I don't think it was that funny. Oh well, I just need some inspiration. Review please. Please please please? I wasn't kidding before about that Canadian Mob. We have beavers and um uh we ride on moose, you don't wanna mess with us.