A/N Well hello there! Thank you very much for the reviews! I love all of my reviewers (read my bio – c'est vrais!) but as I have said before, in a completely platonic and not weird creepy psycho–like way. Cough, yeah.
Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings is not owned by myself, I don't own the characters, the story, the clothes, the mountains, the doors or the hairy feet, but Marry-a-duck Sandycrack is all mine.
Frodo woke from a strange dream where Sam and a tall, dark drink of water speaking in gibberish, or possibly elvish were bathing him. The scent of strawberries hung in the air.
"Where am I?" the hobbit asked wearily.
"You are in the house of Ronald McCracker, on Brocktober the forty second, at eleventy seven clock in the morning, if you want to know," came a voice from Frodo's bedside.
Frodo's brow creased, "wait, that's not right, house of Ronald McCracker? Who would -?" and then Frodo opened his eyes to see two deep blue ones staring back at him from behind a big bushy beard – that was red.
Frodo sat up quickly, "who are you!"
"Why I am a leprechaun from the Emerald Isle or Tir Na N'og or Las Vegas if you like! You'll never get me lucky charms!" The short green man then kicked Frodo in the side, grabbed his box of cereal and ran off laughing.
"Tee tee tee tah tah tah too too too tee tah too tee!"
Frodo just stared and rubbed his side and his wound, "huh."
After a few seconds passed, the door to Frodo's chamber was opened and Gandalf walked in.
"Gandalf! I thought Saruman had killed you! What happened to you and why didn't you meet us at the inn? Where am I? And where are my friends? And Strider? And that foxy dark-haired woman who saved me from the hot pink riders? Answer me Gandalf before I think of more questions or pass out from the strong scent of strawberries! STRAWBERRIES GANDALF!"
Gandalf sat down in a chair beside Frodo's bed and stared at the panting hobbit, "calm down." He said tiredly.
"Sorry."
"Well I was detained. You see it turns out that Saruman is working for the Enemy now, he is building an army of Uruk Hai and Orcs and plans to attack the free people of Middle Earth and join forces with Sauron."
"Well that sucks," Frodo sighed.
"Uh, yeah. He also knows that you have the Ring, and is determined to get it from you. I only barely escaped him because I was talking to this tripped out butterfly that got this important Eagle guy to fly me away. As for your friends, they're as good as can be expected. Pippin and Muddy are both passed out from the amount of boozing they have been doing, Aragorn (who you know as Strider) is off somewhere making out with Arwen, the um fox? And Sam well, he hasn't left your side," Gandalf pointed at the bed and smiled.
It was then that Frodo noticed the big lump on his one side; he pulled back the covers to reveal a sleeping Sam, huddled up in a ball clutching a doll with an uncanny likeness to Frodo.
Frodo jumped at this sight, which made Sam wake up, "wha-? Oh Frodo!" Sam scrambled out of the bed while still clutching the doll, "I uh – we were so worried about you and I wanted to be here when you woke up so I – uh erm well I - ."
Frodo laughed at his friend's discomfort, "Oh Sam it's alright, you know I think of you as a brother too!"
Sam shuffled his feet, "oh right sure…bro." He smiled weakly, "we were that worried about you, weren't we Mr. Gandalf?"
Gandalf nodded, "yeah, Elrond really helped you out."
A tall, slim man in purple robes appeared out of nowhere.
"Beep bop bop beep bop yeah!" cried Elrond.
Gandalf coughed.
Elrond started, "what? Oh. Welcome to Rivendell Frodo Baggins."
"'Sup?" Frodo nodded.
Beep bop bop beep bop yeah
Frodo and Sam run out into Rivendell to meet Musty and Pippin. There is much hugging and hand holding until Frodo sees someone out of the corner of his eye.
"Peter!" Frodo cries and hugs a large man with dark scraggly hair holding a camera.
"Wha - ! No get off! Frodo! Go see – um – Bilbo!" The man struggled to get the hobbit off of him, "I'm –not - supposed – to – be – in – this – shot!" And with that Frodo fell onto the ground and the large man ran away.
Frodo wasn't too sad though because he had landed at his good cousin/uncle Bilbo's feet.
"Bilbo!" Frodo cried and jumped up, giving the old hobbit a hug.
"Frodo my lad! It's really you! A second ago I thought you came out of your room, yeah it was a leprechaun," Bilbo shrugged.
"Leprechaun!" Frodo cried and ran up to the small leprechaun trying to tug Moppy's ale mug from him and gave the small creature a hug.
About five minutes passed until the large man pulled Frodo off of the leprechaun (now unconscious) and mumbled in his ear that he should go hang out with Bilbo in his room.
beep bop bop beep bop yeah
Frodo was looking at the title page of Bilbo's book and reading it slowly aloud.
"T – A – B – A. TABA? What the heck is taba?"
Bilbo shook his head, "There.And.Back.Again. don't be so silly Frodo you knew that?"
"But why is it an acronym?"
"Because everything is an acronym these days, you need to keep up with the times my boy! Next thing you tell me is that you don't write in mixed lower and upper cased letter!"
Frodo shook his head and re-read the page, "T.A.B.A. A hObBiTs TaLe By: BiLbO BaGgInS, huh, you don't do this during the whole book do you? It gives me a head ache."
Bilbo patted Frodo on the head, "Buddy, any type of reading gives you a head ache. Why don't you just relax and let the smart people handle things? That's a good lad."
Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah
Frodo walked up to Sam packing up his things.
"Packed already?" Frodo gave a little half smile.
"No harm in being prepared."
"I thought you wanted to see the elves Sam, more than anything."
"I do, I did! I just, I want to go home."
"This isn't about that brother thing is it?"
Sam shrugged, "no."
"Well then what is it?"
Sam looked at the ground, "well, you know Mahjong has been puking on me a lot, Pippin keeps asking the elves to sell him some pipeweed, and this skinny blonde elf guy keeps walking around the halls buck naked. I – it's disturbing."
Frodo nodded, "ah."
Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah
"His strength returns," Elrond observed as he saw the two hobbits from a balcony.
"Well aren't you observant," Gandalf replied.
" cough well yes. Now let's do this quickly because I find this part extremely boring and only necessary for the people who haven't been paying attention to the journey thus far," Elrond told Gandalf.
Gandalf, who was busy watching Sam try to convince Frodo that he needed a bath, turned to Elrond, "what?"
"The Ring can't stay here; I'm really upset about Saruman betraying us, men are weak," Elrond said quickly.
Gandalf nodded, "well I see your 'the Ring can't stay here' and raise you an 'I know' and I'll meet your 'I'm mad about Saruman' with a 'who cares we all saw it coming anyways' and all men aren't weak just because a couple of them gave into the dark side, that's like saying all elves are painfully obvious with their speech just because you said that comment about Frodo healing."
From below the balcony you could here Legolas gasp, "I'm in Rivendell, and there are trees here! Is that a hobbit? Wow, hobbits are small!"
Elrond coughed, "so Aragorn, he's a man. Isn't that cool?"
Boromir, a man from Gondor, walked up to the shrine in Rivendell and picked up Narsil, "wow! A sword! Haha!" Boromir turned to Aragorn who was finishing off 'Watership Down', "wanna play swords? I'll be the pirate captain and you can be the mutineer! It'll be –" Boromir's words tapered off at the look on Aragorn's face.
"It's just a broken heirloom," Boromir sighed and put the hilt down on the shrine before walking away. The hilt fell from the shrine and Aragorn sat up.
"You better pick that up fool!" Aragorn cried.
"Pick it up yourself you bugger," Boromir said and stalked away, "stupid git, gives me that look, I'm not reading a book about rabbits," he mumbled.
Aragorn put the sword back and ran after Boromir to give him a good thumping.
"Why do you fear the past?" Arwen said as she came from out of nowhere. She realized there was no one there, got angry and then sauntered off to see if that cute drunk hobbit would make out with her.
Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah
Arwen and Aragorn are suddenly hanging out on a bridge and talking in elvish.
"I love you," Arwen said in her soft but high pitched voice.
"Well I love you too," Aragorn replied.
"If you take a bath I'm willing to give up my immortality to be with you," Arwen gave Aragorn her necklace and they kissed.
After a bit, Aragorn pulled away, "so, are we done here now?"
Arwen shrugged, "I guess."
Aragorn nodded, "alright then. You wanna get a bite to eat then? Or a drink? I hear that little drunk hobbit fellow has some really good hard liquor."
"Um, sure, but I don't really want to talk to that hobbit. I think he wants to make out with me or something; he was coming on to me earlier."
"That's not how I heard it."
Beep Bop Bop Beep Bop Yeah
A group of most of the important characters where all gathered for Elrond's council.
"Strangers from far away, friends that I know, people who aren't supposed to be here," Elrond let his voice carry around the semi-circle around a stone pedestal.
"Oi!" came a cry from Elrond's right, it was Pippin, "could you talk a bit louder I'm having some trouble hearing ya!"
Elrond looked at Pippin like he was an idiot (not far from the truth sometimes) and shook his head slowly.
"You all have been summoned here to answer to the threat of Mordor," Elrond continued, "we need to unite or we'll fall yada yada yada you know the rest. So Frodo, how 'bout you bring forth that Ring?"
"MM k," replied Frodo as he casually placed the Ring on the pedestal.
"So it is true," whispered Boromir, "hobbit's really are small. Oh right, and there's a ring there too."
"It's the DOOM OF MEN!" cried some random man from Laketown as he jumped up and ran off the cliff thingy.
"No it's a gift!" cried Boromir, "give it to me! I'll – um – use the gift. My people have died to keep your lands safe! MY PEOPLE! Uh huh," Boromir nodded.
Aragorn sighed, "you can't wield the Ring you blundering idiot. No one can."
"And what would a smelly guy who's hooked up with Elrond's daughter know of this matter?" Boromir shoot back.
"He's not just a smelly man!" Legolas cried, "he's Aragorn!"
"Have a dad Legolas," Aragorn said, motioning for the elf to sit down.
"What?"
"Have a dad," Aragorn said in a tone implying what he was saying was obvious, "it means sit down in elvish."
"Dude, can you even speak elvish?" Legolas asked as he sat down.
"Of course I can you goobety gobber um – hatface," Aragorn shot back and sat down.
Elrond began to speak again, "we must destroy the Ring."
Gimli the dwarf stood up, "Then let's do it." He got up and started spitting on the Ring, when nothing happened he cried, "nothing's happening!"
Elrond sighed, "the Ring cannot be destroyed Gimli son of Gloin, by any weapon we here posses, not even your – um – spit. We have to take it to Mount Doom."
The Ring then spoke, "Ash Nack."
"What?" Legolas asked.
"Ash Nack!"
"Look I don't think you people realize you can't just make up your own language!" Legolas yelled.
"One of you has to take the Ring to Mordor. I say we use the eeny miney mo method," Elrond advised.
"One does not simple walk into Mordor, there are – like – big scary things and stuff," Boromir said and everyone stared, "it smells there, der. Why don't you, you know, just give me the Ring and –."
"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said?" Legolas cried, "the Ring must be destroyed."
"And I supposed you think you're the one to do it!" Gimli growled.
"And when we fail? What then! We're all going to smell soon and that's not good!" Boromir stood up.
"You're an elf and I want to argue with you!" Gimli yelled.
Commotion began to grow amongst everyone in the group except Frodo.
"Rabble, rabble, rabble," everyone cried.
That look of dramatic painful drama came into Frodo's face again as he stared at the Ring, "I will take it! Guys I will take it!"
Since Frodo couldn't be heard over the rabbling he tried a different method, "I'm gay and proud!" he yelled.
A hush fell over the group, "I will take the Ring to Mordor, but I don't know how to get there."
"I'll help you there," Gandalf said and stood behind Frodo.
"I'll protect you with my mighty sword, and strong body odour," Aragorn said, and stood behind Frodo.
"You can have my bow, but not really because I need it. A bow is what shoots the arrow," Legolas smiled and stood behind Frodo.
"My axe," Gimli growled this sentence fragment and joined the others behind Frodo.
"Gondor!" Boromir cried out and joined the group.
"Ireland!" the leprechaun shouted and started throwing cereal everywhere, "tee tee tee tah toh tah tee hee hee!"
"Hey!" Sam shouted, "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"
"No indeed, it is hardly to separate you two, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not," Elrond said, bemused.
"You let the leprechaun come," Sam mumbled.
"Actually I don't even know how he got here," Elrond's brow creased.
"There always after me lucky charms!" the leprechaun (let's call him Charlie O'Boyle the Leprechaun) ran off laughing (tee tee tee toh and so on).
"Wait! We're coming too!" Pippin cried out as he and Mutty ran out from some pillars.
Pippin made it all the way to Frodo's side, Moop tripped and fell, and stayed down.
"He's always doing that," Pippin shook his head, "besides you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest, thing."
Gandalf shook his head, "no we don't."
"But who will supply you with the good pipeweed?" Pippin reasoned.
"Yeah that's true," Gimli nodded.
Elrond nudged Murphy with his foot, when the hobbit didn't respond he nodded his head and said, "Nine companions…so be it! You shall be the FOTR!"
"The what now?" Frodo asked.
"Yeah WTF is FOTR?" asked Sam.
"Well you are the FOTR to fight the LOTR," reasoned Elrond.
"LOTR WTF?" Frodo asked.
"Exactly," smiled Elrond.
Happy Belated St. Patty's day! Ahh I'm tired…night all on this side of the world! Review gosh darnit! This chapter was long….
