Chapter 9: Phillip Kane

Grissom's head ache was just about ready to turn into another full-blown migraine. He had hoped that by staying away from the case and catching up on his paperwork instead he would be able to avoid any more stress, but it turned out that working the case might have been better for him after all. He still couldn't concentrate, and he hadn't even managed to get through half of the stack in front of him. Every once in a while some noise outside the office would catch his attention and he would glance up, or his mind would wander off. Mostly it wandered off to Sara… he shook his head. He couldn't think about that.

With a frustrated sigh, he turned back to the paper in front of him and scanned it. It was only when he went to sign at the bottom that he realized he had no idea what it had said.

"God damn it," he snapped. Angrily, he threw down his pen and pushed away from his desk so hard that his chair hit the shelves behind him. Luckily, nothing fell; though even if it had, Grissom probably wouldn't have noticed.

He dropped his head to his hands, groaning. Why the hell was this happening to him?


"That was great, the way you got him like that," Greg said as he and Sara pulled out of the diner parking lot and headed back to the lab. After the interrogation, Sara had realized that she was hungry again, so she and Greg had decided to head out and grab something to eat. She had gotten another vegetarian burger for Grissom as well, since he appeared to have enjoyed the last one. She also figured that if she didn't feed him he wouldn't eat.

"I can't believe he lost it so easily," Greg continued, and Sara shrugged.

"Some people can't handle pressure," she said, "and apparently he was one of those people."

"Yeah, I guess." With that, Greg began to root around in the bag for his burger and fries. Sara grimaced when he pulled it out.

"All right, Greg," she said, shaking her head, "I generously allowed you to buy that, but there is no way you're eating it in my car."

Greg scowled at her. "Oh, come on," he whined, "You bought two burgers!"

"Vegetarian burgers, Greg," she pointed out, and he sighed. Then suddenly he raised his eyebrow, and turned to look at her, a smile creeping over his face.

"Is the second burger for Grissom?"

Sara frowned at him. "Yeah, so?"

"I dunno," he said slowly, smiling. "I think it's just… sweet of you."

"Oh, don't you even think it Greg Sanders," she warned as she pulled into her parking spot. "We're friends, nothing more."

"Of course," Greg conceded, "But that doesn't mean you don't wish it were more."

Sara glanced over at him, a sharp retort on the tip of her tongue, but then she saw his face and realized he wasn't making fun of her. She sighed. "Yeah, well I can dream, can't I? It's never gonna happen."

Even though they were back at the lab, neither made a move to get out of the vehicle as Greg spoke. "Then why do you keep hanging around waiting for him?"

Sara shrugged. "I have a lot of patience. Or maybe I'm just dumb."

"You're not dumb," Greg stated firmly, and Sara couldn't help but smile at his quick correction of her statement. "I think it's amazing, what you're doing," the lab tech suddenly admitted.

Frowning, Sara glanced over at him questioningly.

"Sticking with him even after all that's happened," Greg clarified. "I mean, he was hard enough to get along with before, but now… I just think you're a really good friend, to be there for him like you are. Even if he can't see how great you are to him, the rest of us can. And he does need you. Always has."

For a moment Sara could only stare at him in shock. Then she blushed and looked down. "Thanks, Greg," she murmured, "Thanks a lot."

Her embarrassment made Greg smile, and he merely shrugged in response to the appreciation and got out of the SUV. "Come on," he called over his shoulder, "I want to sit down and eat this before I have to get back to work."


As they walked down the hall towards Grissom's office together, Sara glanced at Greg. "Do you want to come with me?" she asked. "To tell Grissom we got the guy."

"Nah," Greg shook his head, "I think Grissom's had about as much of me as he can handle in one day." He laughed at the weird look Sara shot his way. "I need to get back to my lab soon, anyways. I'm sure I'll have some samples to work on by the time I finish eating."

"All right," Sara smiled, "I guess I'll see you later."

She watched as Greg disappeared down the hall before she knocked lightly on Grissom's office door and pushed her way in.

"Hey, Gris," she began, but stopped as he lifted his head wearily from his hands. His brow was furrowed in frustration, and his mouth was set in a hard, irritated line.

"What?" he muttered.

Sara cocked her head to the side as she studied him, and refrained from commenting on his worn appearance as she lifted the bag she held for him to see.

He frowned. "What's…"

"Lunch, Grissom," she interrupted as she pulled up a chair in front of his desk and handed a burger to him. He didn't look at all pleased, but Sara ignored him as she took out her own lunch and began eating.

"Sara, we just ate," he informed her as he placed the food on his desk.

Sara shrugged, and swallowed before answering. "That was a couple of hours ago, Grissom, and I was hungry again. I figured while I was at it I'd pick something up for you." She smiled as his frown deepened. "Relax, Gris, you don't have to eat it now. You can save if for later, you know."

"Sure, whatever," he mumbled, and Sara realized he hadn't been frowning at her. Putting down her burger, she leaned forward to so she could see what he was looking at. It was a case review; one of Catherine's and Warrick's.

"What's the problem?" she asked.

"No problem," came his response, but she could sense how on edge he was, and after a moment of hesitation she reached forward and closed the file folder.

When he glanced up, a sharp retort on his tongue, he stopped at her calm gaze.

"Take a break, Grissom. You've been working for a long time."

Grissom huffed a short laugh, and ran a hand through his already tousled hair. "Not like I've gotten anything done."

Sara shrugged. "Oh well, maybe that means you really do need a break."

Grissom didn't respond, and Sara followed him with worried eyes as he stood from his desk and went to stretch out on his couch.

"Tired?" she asked.

"A little," he muttered, and his hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose as he tried to ward off his headache again.

Ignoring the little voice in her head that screamed he never admits it when he's tired, Sara leaned back in her chair. "Didn't sleep last night?"

Her prodding got a reaction out of Grissom, who turned to stare at her so quickly she thought for sure his neck would snap. "What?" he blurted.

Sara raised an eyebrow at him like he was crazy. "I just asked if you slept last night," she said, pretending to be confused.

He studied her suspiciously, but she retained her composure. After a minute he decided she wasn't pulling his leg and relaxed again. "I slept," he said shortly, "Just not long enough."

"Ahhhh," Sara nodded in understanding. Then she smiled. "Well, I slept very well, thank you."

Grissom scowled at her, but didn't say anything. Realizing that he wasn't very comfortable with that topic, Sara took a sip of her drink before turning back to him. "You were right, about the neighbour," she said, glancing at him surreptitiously.

"Mmmm," he replied. It was painfully obvious that he had no idea what she had said, and didn't really care.

Sara shrugged to herself, and focused on her food. If she was lucky, maybe he would fall asleep.

Five minutes later, Sara could have sworn her wish had come true, but then a knock sounded on the office door and Grissom sat up with a start. Groaning, he stood and made his way back to his desk. "Come in."

It was a surprise to them both when the door opened to reveal Dr. Phillip Kane.

The heavy-set man smiled warmly at the two of them as he made his way into the office, and Sara returned the gesture, but Grissom merely sat perfectly still in his seat, face frozen into some semblance of disbelief.

"It's been a while, hasn't it, Gil," Kane said, holding out his hand to the scientist.

Shaking himself, Grissom rose from his seat and took the offered hand. "Uh, yeah, yeah, I guess it has." He hated the fact that his hand was trembling the tiniest bit, and he pulled away as soon as he could. "What can I do for you?" He didn't really need to ask; he knew exactly what his old friend wanted. And it was just for that reason that he added on at the end, "Sara and I were just going over a case." It was a complete lie, and they all knew it, but Grissom couldn't help it; maybe he thought that Kane would believe him and leave. At least then he would have enough time to collect himself.

No such luck, however; Kane regarded Grissom thoughtfully, and then sighed. "Gil…"

"I'm doing fine, Phillip," he said calmly.

"I realize you don't think you need me, Gil, but I'd still like to speak with you."

Sensing that if she stayed she'd piss off Kane, and if she left she'd piss off Grissom, Sara hesitated for a moment. Then she rose to her feet. At least if she left, Grissom would be forced to talk with Kane; maybe it would help him.

"Gris, I'm going to go finish this in the break room. Come find me when you're done here, will you?"

"Sara," Grissom protested, but she only waved a bit, shot him what she hoped resembled an encouraging smile, and disappeared out the door.

Grissom couldn't help the way his jaw clenched as the door closed behind Sara. The click of the latch catching sent a shiver down his spine, and he tried his best to shrug it off. He was overreacting; this wasn't a big deal. But why the hell did she have to leave him right when he needed her the most?

"Gil?"

"Huh?" Grissom turned to stare at the doctor. He had zoned out again.

Kane raised an eyebrow at him. "I asked whether you wanted to do this here or in my office."

"I told you, we don't need to do this, I've already talked to someone," Grissom said, but at Kane's look, he realized he was going to have to. "Fine," he muttered, "let's just stay here. Do you want me to go lay down on the couch?" he added bitingly.

"Gil, you know I'm not here to attack you," Kane sighed, "I just want to talk a bit about what happened."

"So talk," Grissom said as he slumped wearily into his chair.

Kane sighed again. "Look, what happened to you and those other people was awful, everyone knows that. Nobody will think any less of you if you need some more time."

"I don't need some more time," came the irritated response.

"All right," Kane said with a shrug as he took Sara's vacated seat, "Your call. Let's get started. Would you like to tell me what happened that day?"

"No," Grissom said bluntly.

"Gil," Kane warned. "Let me rephrase that. Tell me about what happened that day. Please."

Grissom's eyes flickered all over his office; once again searching for a way out. Once again he found none, and dropped his eyes to the desk.

"Can I just… can I just ask you something, before we start this?" he said quietly.

"Anything."

"Why are you… why are you here?"

Kane leaned back in his chair, elbows on the armrests, fingers tented under his chin. "Gil, I like to think that I'm a friend of yours…"

"Why did you come here, Phillip?"

Sighing, Kane dropped his hands and looked down. "Someone brought it to the attention of Director Cavallo that you've been having problems… getting back into the swing of things. But," he quickly added, "I've been meaning to come see you for a while now. I am your friend, and I wanted to make sure you were doing all right. Cavallo just brought about this visit a little bit quicker."

"Yeah, of course," Grissom muttered, waving his hand.

Take is easy, Gil. Relax, he told himself. If you just relax and get this over with, you can get the hell out of here.

"Gil?"

Grissom's gaze snapped back to the doctor's face, and he tried not to grimace when he saw the concern there.

"Gil, do you normally… zone out… like that?"

Confused, Grissom shrugged. "Uh, I guess. Sometimes." Then he pressed his lips together in a hard, thin line. "When the company isn't all that captivating." He almost smiled when he saw how much he was irritating Kane, but held back. As much as he wanted the man to leave, he didn't like being on the fast track to losing a good friend; he had too few of them as it was. "Sorry," he muttered. "What was… the question again?"

Nodding his acceptance of the apology, Kane repeated his question. "I'd like you to tell me what happened the day of the robbery."

"It's all in the report." Grissom's last-ditch attempt to save himself was flattened by the look Kane sent his way.

"Gil…"

"All right," he sighed. "I just…"

As Kane watched, Grissom's whole body became still, and those blue eyes stared right through him. The scientist seemed lost as he started to speak, and Kane had to lean forward a bit to hear him.

"August seventeenth. It was my birthday. Catherine, Sara and the rest of the guys were having at party at Nicky's house." His lips twitched up in a small, vague smile. "They thought I didn't know it was going to be a birthday party…"


"Hey, Grissom, can you run out and some beer for us before you head to Nick's house?"

"Catherine, I told you I'm not coming to this party."

"Of course you are, Grissom, or you'll know why."

"Catherine…"

"Come on, Grissom, just get the beer. It's not a big deal. And you can run home while you're at it and get a shower and a change of clothes."

"What?"

"As Greg would say, you smell like death, Gil."


"So you went to get the beer?"

"Yes. I stopped at the small store near my townhouse on the way to Nicky's place. I went in and... headed towards the cashier's desk. The cashier was there, and a… an older woman, with her little boy. Some guy came in behind me…"


"Everybody get down on the floor or you're dead. Hurry up! Get the kid down too…

Get down, or I'll blow you away…

All right, if you do what we tell you, nobody will get hurt."


Grissom's hands were shaking, and his heart was beating hard against his ribs. He was sure that Kane could hear it; he knew he couldn't hear Kane over the sound of it.

"We were all… down on the floor. I remember… I remember thinking, 'are you just going to let this seventeen-year-old push you around, Gil?'"

Thinking about it now, Grissom almost laughed out loud. That seventeen-year-old had ruined the lives of three people… no, make that four. And he was still screwing with Grissom from the grave.

Shaking his head to clear it and folding his hands tightly on his lap, out of Kane's line of sight, Grissom continued. "He got everything he wanted; from the safe and the shelves… and then he pulled up a chair and sat down in front of us. Just sitting; watching..."


"Maybe I lied. How rude of me. I guess I should have told you the truth at the beginning but you know… I've always been a liar."


"He shot the man… and then the little boy… and then the woman…"


There was blood everywhere; on his face, his hands, his arms… it was everywhere. People were screaming. Why wasn't someone helping them? Someone had to help them. They were dieing; their blood was spilling out over him and there was nothing he could do.

"Gil. Gil!" There were hands on the back of Grissom's neck, pushing his head down between his knees as he fought to breath. Someone was calling his name, but the voice was fuzzy and indistinct in his ears. His hands wouldn't stop shaking, and his chest hurt.

"Sara," he gasped, but somehow he knew she wasn't there.

"Take deep breathes, Gil, deep breaths. Just relax."

Yeah right, Grissom thought bitterly, I'll relax. I'll have plenty of time to do that later when they lock me up.

Finally, Grissom was able to sit up straight without the room spinning, but Kane remained beside him, a hand on his back. "You all right, Gil?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Grissom hissed through gritted teeth, "I'm just perfect."

Sighing, Kane pulled his chair around the desk and sat so he was facing Grissom. "That, Gil, was a panic attack. But I assume you know that. Have you been having a lot of them lately?"

"No," Grissom said bluntly. Which was true, really; he'd only had two or three since the robbery.

"You're sure?"

"No, Phillip, I just don't notice when the lights go out in the middle of the day and I suddenly can't breath anymore," he snapped sarcastically.

"Ok, Gil, just relax," Kane soothed as he put a hand on Grissom's shoulder again. Grissom shrugged him off. Trying to keep things going, Kane ignored the gesture. "So then you attacked the robber and killed him after being shot yourself, and you made your way to the phone to call for help."

"Yeah, sure."

"All right. How have you been sleeping, lately?"

"Fine."

"No nightmares?"

There was silence for a moment, and Grissom's gaze flickered to Kane. Saying 'no' would be unrealistic; saying 'yes' would probably make Kane dig even deeper than he already was.

Grissom shrugged. "Sometimes."

"What are they about?"

"People getting shot," Grissom responded angrily, "what do you think?"

Kane was silent.

Grissom fidgeted, pulling at the bandage on his hand. "There's lots of blood," he finally murmured. "On my face, on my arms… my hands."

"Do you think the blood on your hands could mean something?"

"What?" At Kane's soft question Grissom felt rage boil in him again. "Forget it, Phillip," he snapped, "you aren't going to get me with that crap."

Kane shrugged. "All right, then. Let's talk about what happened the other night in the morgue."

Shaking his head, Grissom stood up from his chair and walked over to the tank at the back of the room. "That was nothing," he said as he pulled the tarantula from the tank and allowed the spider to walk over his hands. "I had a migraine, and was stupid enough to try and do an autopsy. The smell got to me, and I threw up."

Kane nodded, and moved to stand next to Grissom. "And then you passed out."

"My ribs still haven't fully healed," Grissom stated irritably, "when I threw up I hurt them, and also aggravated my migraine. It wasn't a big deal. Albert was there, and he dealt with the situation perfectly well."

Sensing Grissom's growing agitation, Kane changed the subject. "How has it been at work?"

"It's been fine; I've already been to a crime scene."

"You had difficulty handling that didn't you?"

It took all of Grissom's will power to not turn and stare at him. How the hell could he know that? Who could have said something?

Jim could have, he thought. Or David… maybe it was Greg. Grissom frowned. It could have been any of the officers or personnel who were at the scene.

"I did fine," he finally responded.

Kane hid his disappointment. He had no idea how Grissom had done at his first scene back on the job, but he had hoped that if he pretended to know Grissom would crack. Unfortunately, that was not the case. With a sigh, he glanced down at the floor, and then back at Grissom.

"Gil," he began, but stopped when he realized once again that Grissom wasn't with him. It had been over half an hour since they had started talking, and Kane could tell by the droop in the scientist's shoulders that he was tired; they could finish this talk another time. Getting Grissom's attention, Kane informed him that he was leaving. "I'll talk to you again later, all right?"

"Sure," Grissom murmured, replacing his tarantula in the tank. "Whatever."

"Hopefully it will be in the next couple of days," Kane said. He was just about gone when he stopped, and turned back. "Gil, I just wanted to say, as a friend… that I'm really sorry for what happened to you, and those other people." With that, he disappeared out the door, closing it softly behind him. He would go find Catherine; tell her to keep an eye on Grissom until he had a chance to talk some more with his old friend. Maybe, if he was lucky, she would agree to keep him out of the field.