A/N: Okay, I have to apologize (again), for getting around to this update so late. I had writer's block, and then I couldn't get on the site for God knows what reason, and now we have Finals in a few days and I have to study, and so on and so forth. I find it highly ironic that this chapter's called One Thing After Another… Anyways, I think it's official – I'm never doing a WIP again. Too stressful. And thanks to everyone who's still out there actually reading and reviewing this thing (yes,especially you Ehman).
Chapter 10: One Thing After Another
At the click of the latch as the door closed behind Kane, Grissom felt a heavy exhaustion fall over him. He swayed where he stood. For a moment he didn't move for fear of falling over. Then, when he had collected himself, he barely made it to his chair before his knees gave out under him; he slumped forward, and rested his head on his arms. He didn't even have the strength to be angry with Kane for coming here and messing with him. All he wanted to do was crawl into a hole and sleep forever, without the pictures that had been burned onto the insides of his eyelids, and without the sounds that constantly ricocheted around inside his head. He wanted to sleep and know for sure that everything was all right.
But you can't do that, nagged the little voice, you've got work to do.
"No," he mumbled to himself, protesting. Then he realized he was talking to himself, and buried his face farther into his arms. What the hell was he going to do?
He sat there for a few minutes before he managed to clear most of the fog from his brain. He remembered Sara telling him to come find her when he was done; hadn't she said she was going to be in the break room?
"Shit," he muttered. What were the odds that he would fall over before he made it to the break room? Regardless, he needed to see Sara, so he pushed himself up from his seat and shuffled wearily out the door.
There was no one in the break room when Grissom got there; apparently Sara had gone to find something to do.
Well why would she wait around for you?
Grimacing, Grissom pushed the thought to the back of his mind. The last thing he needed to do was mope around feeling sorry for himself. He set about fixing a pot of coffee; while he waited for it, he went and sat down on the couch. It wasn't long before his eyelids started to close. His headache had gone, and he was left with a fuzzy feeling, as though a blanket was wrapped around his brain that didn't allow any of his five senses to work. He felt like he had just gotten out of a hot bath and all his muscles had melted into nothing. It was all quite inductive to sleep, and he shook his head, trying to clear it. What the hell is wrong with me? he thought irritably. For a while he fought against it; what if he woke up screaming, here, of all places? But in the end, he realized, it didn't matter what he thought. His body needed more than six hours of sleep, and it would get it.
In the layout room, Sara stood at Warrick's side, watching as he and Nick carefully put away all the evidence they had been going over from their DB; she had joined them after she realized that waiting in the break room was pointless as Grissom probably wouldn't show up for a while. Now, they had finished all they could do for the time being, and had decided it was time to take a break. Jacqui was working on their fingerprints, and would page them when she got something.
"So how was the movie last night?" Nick asked Sara as they walked along side by side.
At Warrick's confused look, Sara explained. "I went over to Grissom's last night and we watched a movie." Turning back to Nick, she gave a small smile. "It was fun. Of course, I fell asleep half-way through it, but what the hell."
"You slept at Grissom's house?" Nick said incredulously.
Sara scowled at him. "So? It's not a big deal."
The Texan laughed. "Relax, Sara, I'm just trying to imagine how Grissom would react to having you fall asleep in his house."
"Actually, he handled it pretty well," Sara said jokingly, "Considering I fell asleep on him."
"Oh good job, Sara," Warrick said dryly, "What, are you trying to give him a heart attack?"
Nick just laughed, and Sara couldn't help but grin as well as they came to a halt next to Grissom's office. Peering in, Sara raised an eyebrow. The food she had brought him was still sitting on his desk, but the man himself was nowhere to be seen.
"Looking for someone?" Nick asked playfully.
Sara shoved him lightly. "I guess he's already in the break room," she commented.
"Yeah," Warrick agreed. "He never did do well stuck in his office with stacks of paperwork; probably needed a break."
"It's not the paperwork I'm worried about," she muttered as they continued walking down the hall. She ignored the questioning glances they shot her way.
Finally, Nick asked. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
Sara shook her head, and sighed. "I was in there with Grissom earlier and Dr. Kane came in; wanted to talk to him. I told him I'd be in the break room when he was done."
Warrick grabbed her shoulder, halting her as they came to another stop in the middle of the hall. "You're worried Kane might have upset him?"
"Well, yeah," was the annoyed reply, "the guy's a shrink, and shrinks make people talk. Talk makes people like Grissom highly uncomfortable."
Nick nodded in understanding. "Hey, I'm sure he's all right. He's good at handling himself in situations like that."
"He was good at handling himself in situations like that," Sara pointed out as they continued to walk. "Now he's all over the place, and he doesn't understand it any better than we do."
"All the more reason to find a way to understand it," Warrick offered, and Sara raised an eyebrow at him.
"I guess," she replied. Then she nodded towards the break room. "Let's go sit down, I'm exhausted."
"Yeah right!" Nick called after her with a grin as she started walking. "What have you done all night?"
"A lot, Nicky," she tossed over her shoulder, "babysitting you guys is hard work!"
"She got you there, bro," Warrick said with a chuckle as they followed her down the hall, "she got you good."
"Ahh, shut up," Nick muttered. Then he dug his elbow into his companion's ribs. "She said 'guys,' Rick. Plural."
"Whatever."
"Well, I guess he's not in the break room," Warrick noted as the trio walked down the hall and glanced through the windows.
It appeared he was right; Grissom was no where to be seen. Sighing, Sara pushed her way into the room and headed for the full coffee pot. Maybe he had gone to Kane's office or something.
Flipping over three cups, she poured them all some coffee; Nick and Warrick nodded their thanks, and took theirs gratefully before settling themselves at the table. Sara was about to follow, when she realized that someone was asleep on the couch.
"Guys, who…" she let the sentence trail off as she realized it was Grissom. When they glanced up at her questioningly, she nodded towards the couch with a smile. "I guess he got himself to the break room after all."
"What the hell is he doing?" Warrick exclaimed as he put down his cup.
"I think," Sara said as she put down her cup as well and pulled a blanket from one of the cupboards across the room, "that he didn't intend to fall asleep." She nodded towards him and smiled. "Check out how he's laying. He's going to be awfully sore when he wakes up if we don't move him."
Shaking his head, Warrick got up. Sara was right; Grissom's position looked highly uncomfortable, with his head resting on the arm of the sofa so his neck was at an odd angle and his legs half-on, half-off the sofa. Carefully, so as not to wake their sleeping supervisor, Warrick lifted Grissom's legs onto the sofa and moved him farther down the so he had room to stretch out.
"There we go," the young man muttered as Sara gently tucked in the blanket around him, and put a pillow under his head.
Grissom hadn't woken through the whole time Warrick had been moving his body, but now that Sara touched him he stirred.
His brow furrowed, and he gave a low moan as his hand clenched into a fist and his breathing pattern became more erratic.
"Sara," he mumbled, and there was a note of sadness in his voice.
"Hey," she murmured, crouching down beside him, "It's all right, I'm here." She took his hand in hers and squeezed reassuringly, running her thumb gently over his wrist. "I'm here," she whispered again, and Nick and Warrick couldn't help but grin at each other as Grissom relaxed, and his breathing evened out.
"Wipe those stupid grins off your faces, boys," Sara muttered without turning around.
"I wasn't grinning," Nick protested, but Sara just shook her head, a smile playing over her own features.
Picking up the Nerf football that lay half-under the couch, she chucked it at his head. "Get out of here."
As Catherine made her way through the lab, looking for Grissom, she suppressed the anger and anxiety she felt. She had taken the Doc Robbins' words to heart, and was trying desperately to keep herself under control. She didn't want another scene with Grissom like the one earlier about Nick. God she felt stupid, remembering it now. What had she been thinking, anyways? She sighed. Hindsight was 20/20. And hopefully she would be able to sort out a few things with Grissom when she found him. She had plenty of time; she had already finished working on her trick roll.
A few minutes later she gave a sigh of relief when she caught sight of Nick and Warrick in the break room tossing their football back and forth. They would probably be able to help her.
"Warrick!" she called, "Where's Grissom? I need to talk…" she trailed off as Warrick shook his head, putting a finger to his lips. She almost laughed when Nick promptly tossed him the football, catching him in the side of the head.
"Keep it down, will you, Catherine?"
Immediately forgetting about the two 'boys,' Catherine's eyes landed on Sara, sitting in one of the chairs over by the coffee table. Then her gaze skipped to the couch, and her jaw dropped.
"Well, then," she muttered as she took in the sight of the sleeping Grissom. For a long moment she just stood there, watching him, noting how for the first time in months he looked relaxed, his face free of any lingering shadows of fear and pain. It was Warrick's pager that broke through her train of thought.
"Uh, that's Jacqui," he said, explaining needlessly as he glanced at Sara.
She smirked. "You need me to come hold your hand?"
Nick groaned as Warrick scowled at her, and dragged his friend out of the room before anything more could be said. Sara was having too much fun picking on them today.
When the guys had gone, Catherine lowered herself tiredly onto the chair next to Sara.
"What did you want to talk to him about?" the younger woman asked. She didn't need to clarify who she meant.
Catherine leaned back in her chair. "I just talked to Phillip Kane," she stated.
"Yeah? What did he say?"
"I take it you knew he was talking to Grissom?" Catherine said dryly, and Sara shrugged.
"Grissom didn't seem to like the idea, but I thought he should. Actually, I think he should probably start talking to him on a regular basis. Kane's known Grissom for a long time; he won't take any crap from him, and he won't be fooled by his little mind games and tricks."
Catherine snorted. "Yeah, you got that right." Then she sobered. "When Kane asked him to describe the robbery at the grocery store, he had a panic attack."
"No surprise there," Sara muttered. Then she sighed, and glanced over at him again. He looked so peaceful. "It's just one thing after another, Cath," she murmured, "and there's time to recover in between but never enough. I'm worried about how much longer he can keep up, you know? One of these days… One of these days he's gonna lose it, and he'll fall and keep falling and there won't be anything any of us can do."
"Don't say that, Sara," Catherine said angrily, but Sara continued as if she hadn't heard.
"It has to stop, Cath. Somehow, someone has to make it stop, because sometimes I don't think he has the strength to stop it for himself. Sometimes I think he just doesn't have the energy to try and help himself."
Realizing that getting upset with Sara wouldn't help anything, Catherine attempted a smile in the hopes that it would lighten the mood. "I can see you've thought about this quite a lot."
Sara's reply was completely serious. "Yeah, I guess I have."
"Well, you can…" Catherine was cut off as her pager beeped, and with an irritated sigh she glanced down. "It's O'Reilly," she informed her friend. "He wants us down on the strip, he's got a DB."
"Great," Sara sighed, "And I was just getting to the good part in this article."
"Yeah?" Catherine grinned, "What part would that be?"
With a grin in response, Sara threw the book down on the coffee table and stood, stretching. "The part with the bugs."
Catherine rolled her eyes. "Girl, you're nuts. That's one of Grissom's articles, isn't it? How many times have you read that thing? I can barely stomach reading his articles once."
"I'll just shake my head in pity and leave it at that," Sara said, laughing. "Let's get out of here – we don't want our DB to run off before we can process it."
"Whatever you say, Sidle," came the response as Catherine shook her own head in disbelief.
Stretching once more, Sara knelt down next to Grissom and ran her fingers through his hair gently, carefully rearranging the blanket and tucking him in more securely. He mumbled something in his sleep, and she smiled.
"I'll be back," she murmured. Then, after a moment's hesitation, she leaned forward and brushed a soft kiss over his cheek. With that, she stood and strode out of the room without a backwards glance. Catherine watched her go before following, a smile playing across her face as the scene ran through her mind again. Sara would be the perfect 'someone' to take care of him.
A few hours later, Nick made his way back to the break room. He and Warrick had wrapped up their case fairly quickly after they got their results back from Jacqui – the prints on the knife had been a match to their DB's brother, whose fingerprints were in the system from an assault charge earlier that year. It had only taken a matter of hours for them to call the brother in for questioning and break down his defence with the evidence. Brass was booking him this very moment, and Nick had decided to skip the lunch break with Warrick and head back to the lab. He wasn't all that hungry, and he wanted to relax in front of the break room TV for a while – hopefully with control of the remote. As he passed the DNA lab, he nodded to Catherine and Sara. They had just returned from the scene of their DB a few minutes ago, and were delivering their evidence to Greg. Nick smiled to himself as he entered the break room, remembering the way Sara had acted around Grissom. Maybe they were starting to figure things out.
He was a bit surprised when he caught sight of the object of his thoughts, still asleep on the couch. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It had been three hours since they'd left him. Shrugging, the Texan was about to get himself a cup of coffee when he realized something was wrong. Grissom was covered with a sheen of sweat, and his breathing was harsh and irregular. The fear that suddenly covered his face shocked Nick, and he immediately put down his coffee and strode over to the couch.
"Grissom!" he called, touching the man's shoulder. The only response was a low, tortured moan from the scientist, and Nick swallowed hard against his own fear. "Gris, come on," he begged, "Please, wake up."
Again, Grissom's only response was to become more agitated, and now he was mumbling under his breath, begging with someone as he tossed and turned.
"Grissom!" Nick cried again, shaking him, "Snap out of it, man!"
Still asleep, Grissom recoiled from him in fear, his hands out in front of his face protectively. "No," he gasped, pushing at Nick's shoulders.
And then in a matter of seconds fear turned to terror, and Grissom struck out. Nick barely managed to move out of the way of Grissom's fist as his supervisor fought hard against his hold.
"Shit!" he moaned, "Oh shit. Come on, Grissom!" He tightened his grip on Grissom's arms, trying to hold him down as he struggled harder.
"No!" And then, suddenly, with a last, hoarse scream of terror, Grissom's eyes snapped open. As the images of the nightmare continued to flash before him, Grissom was unaware that it was Nick holding him, and he lunged forward in a panic and slammed his fist against the face of his attacker. "No!"
"Grissom!" Nick cried, "Gris, it's me! Grissom!"
For a long moment, Grissom didn't move, his haunted eyes staring at Nick but not really seeing him; then he blinked. Recognition flashed across his face, and then horror as he saw the blood that trickled down the Texan's cheek.
"Oh God," he moaned, and he pushed away from Nick, stumbling across the room in a daze. What did you do, he thought, oh God, what the hell did you do? Unable to think rationally, he began to wildly pace, running his hand through his hair agitatedly as he tried to calm down. His heart drummed wildly against his chest, and he remembered the panic attack he had had earlier in his office. That's not gonna happen, he told himself.
Nick, who had caught his breath again after nearly being strangled, sensed another panic attack coming on and moved forward, trying to calm Grissom.
"Grissom, hey…" he took a deep breath, attempting to control his own raging emotions. "Hey." He reached out a hand and rested it on Grissom's shoulder, but was unprepared for the violent response as Grissom jerked away, fury masking the despair that had previously shone in his eyes.
"Don't," he choked out, "Don't touch me!"
"Grissom, I just…"
"Shut up, Nick!" Grissom yelled, his whole body shaking with suppressed emotion, and Nick obeyed, falling silent and willing himself to stand perfectly still. He hated to admit it, but he was afraid of what Grissom might do. Of course, Nick knew the older man would never hurt him on purpose, but it seemed like he couldn't control himself anymore. And he had just attacked Nick. Whether he had meant to attack him was a different story, but it had still happened. Suddenly, the tense silent that had followed Grissom's angry command was broken as Sara and Catherine entered the room. They both realized that something was wrong when they saw the blood on Nick's face. Sara's gaze snapped to Grissom's haunted one. She knew that look. Often, when she woke from a nightmare, she saw that same look staring back at her from the bathroom mirror.
"Grissom…"
Without a word, he turned away and pressed his clenched fist to the wall. It was taking all his strength not to punch something. Hell, it was taking all his strength not to scream until he passed out and floated into welcome oblivion. But he was in control. Thank God, he was in control. And then, as usual, that was taken from him as well. Sara put a hand on his shoulder. That was all it took, and he whipped around as he felt a sob rise in his chest.
"God damn it, Sara, don't touch me!" he screamed, and he tore out of the room, stumbling a bit as the world seemed to spin around him.
Catherine was about to follow him, but Sara stopped her.
"Let him go. We have to let him go. He needs some times, and besides, he's not going anywhere – I drove him to work."
Catherine, realizing she was right, took the dazed Nick by the arm and sat him down at the table while Sara grabbed a first aid kit from one of the break room cupboards.
"He was having a nightmare," Nick explained softly, gritting his teeth against the tears that threatened. "I tried to wake him up, but I couldn't… he just fought me harder. He was freaking out, Cath. And then he woke up, and it was like he thought I was trying to attack him or something. He hit me, and grabbed me around the neck." He heaved a short, harsh laugh. "I had to say his name three times before he realized who I was and backed off." With a frustrated sigh, Nick pulled back from the sting of the disinfectant Catherine was putting on his cut eye. "God damn it," he cried, "why the hell can't everything be normal again?"
"I think we all wish things would be normal again as much as you do, Nick, Grissom most of all."
It was only when the icy coldness of the Las Vegas night slapped him in the face that Grissom realized that he couldn't go anywhere without her.
"Shit!" he screamed, and then suddenly he stopped. He couldn't do this again. He had to just… to just stop. And so it was that when Sara came out a few minutes later she found him sitting calmly on the curb by her SUV. She was surprised that he seemed so collected, but as usual hid it well.
"Hey," she said softly, and he glanced up, letting his gaze settle in the distance, just over her shoulder so he wouldn't have to meet her eyes.
"I'd like to go home."
"All right," Sara replied, nodding as she put a hand on his arm and led him towards the vehicle, "Let's get out of here."
At her touch a shiver ran through him, but he managed not to stiffen and pull away as she opened the door and motioned for him to get in.
The first five minutes of the drive was spent in silence, then Sara spoke.
"Nick's all right. A little bit shaken up, but essentially all right. He's already working on a story about how he got his black eye for the ladies... He doesn't blame you, Gris."
"Mmm," Grissom responded absently. He was glad to know he hadn't injured Nick too badly, but he didn't want to think about it right now.It seemed Sara wasn't going to allow that, thought, as she pulled up at a stoplight.
"What happened, Grissom?"
He didn't respond.
"Grissom, stop ignoring me," she said firmly. "What happened?"
"He was leaning over me," Grissom snapped, "I thought he was… I thought…" his voice trailed off as he leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. "I don't know," he murmured softly.
"I think you do."
"No!" he snapped. "Why the hell can't you just believe me?"
"Because you're lying to me, Grissom," she returned, anger tingeing her words, "You're lying right to my face, and I can tell!"
"What, so you don't trust me now?"
"Of course I do, Grissom, I trust you with my life! And I trust you to take care of yourself, and make the right decisions, but it's hard to do things like that when you're as confused as you are right now."
"I'm not confused, God damn it!"
"Yes, Gris, you are. You don't know which way is up, and you're terrified because of it. You…"
"Shut up!" he yelled, "Just shut the hell up! I don't want to hear it."
"I know that, but you need to hear it," Sara said through gritted teeth as she pulled up in front of his house. "Grissom, this is your life you're messing with. Don't you understand that?"
"God damn it, Sara, that's the whole friggin' point. It's my life! Mine! Not yours, or Nick's, or Warrick's, or Catherine's or even Greg's. It's mine, and everyone thinks they can just put a band-aid on it and fix it, but it doesn't work that way, Sara! Life doesn't work that way. If you could bring back the dead, maybe you could fix this whole God damn mess, but you can't. Nobody can." Without another word, he slammed out of the car, leaving a stunned Sara behind. It was only when she saw him pulling his keys out of his pocket and heading for his own vehicle that she realized what he was doing and she fumbled with the handle on the door of her own SUV for a moment, cursing, before she managed to get out and sprint across the parking lot to him.
"Grissom!" she yelled, "Gil Grissom, don't you dare!"
But he ignored her, and she was left alone with only the acrid smell of burnt rubber for company as he peeled out of the parking lot. "Shit!" she yelled, and she felt tears burn in her eyes when she realized that all she really could do was yell curses and pray to God he didn't do something to hurt himself.
