disclaimer: I am pretty sure everyone knows I don't own the characters, Marvel does. (Except Jenny, but she's barely mentioned.)
Waiting
by Dizi
Part 1 (Jubilee's POV): Existing
I didn't ask him to love me. I wanted him to, of course, but I would never ask him to love me. He doesn't want to love anyone. He does, I know he does. He used to love me in his own way. He stopped when I decided we should be lovers.
Yes, I decided. He will always see me as a child. When I came to him he didn't push me away, but neither did he encourage me or come to me. Two years ago if I woke in the night he would either bring me to lie with him or he would stay with me. Now unless I force my presence on him, I am alone.
When I said I am 22yrs old and more than old enough he shrugged. I only said once how I haven't been a virgin since Bastion more than 7yrs before. No one liked his reactions to that statement. I stopped trying to prove my position when I said I was happy to be with someone who cared about me and he walked away, didn't say a word. I didn't say love, I NEVER say love.
Its not as though I ever had a choice. Since I saved him in Australia we had a connection. We were together a long time and it was intense. He made a commitment to me. He didn't have to. Not even my parents ever acted that way, they only acted like they cared when I was perfect and that wasn't very often. I just couldn't do it. I tried, I really did, but that just wasn't me. He always seemed to like me for me.
They all had a meeting about me when I was fourteen and I listened in. They said I should go away to school and he fought it and said I needed to be with him. They told him he was being selfish and that I needed more than he could give at that time. He argued long and loud but in the end he decided they were right and it was best for me. So I went because he really thought it was best.
He asked me, he didn't tell me, he came to me and talked to me like I was a real person and laid it all out and said how he thought it was a good idea and asked what I thought. So I said it was a good idea too. He always did that. Didn't talk down to me but with me, always listened to my answers and reasons, no matter how girly or immature. Of course, when he made a decision that was it, but ususally he asked.
But he had trouble seeing me grow up. When I started my period for the first time he stayed away the whole time. The first time I went on a date he totally freaked. I only went because I felt like I should be doing that sort of thing. I was really only passing time until I was old enough for him. I don't remember when that occurred to me. It was like it was always there, that feeling that no one else would ever be right for me. When I was captured and the guards raped me while Bastion watched, besides the pain, the only real thought I had was that HE would not be my first.
After I felt unclean, dirty. Then I went back to school because everyone said it would be best for me. I didn't sleep for months it seemed. He wasn't there to comfort me. He didn't come to me and say he still loved me. After a long while I was able to talk to Emma and that helped and I could sleep again. I told myself he always said I was strong and he just wasn't worried about me because he knew I was alright, so I would be alright. Everyone said I was fine, so I was fine. The only one who knew I tried to kill myself was Emma, and during counseling she swore she wouldn't tell him.
I went to college because everyone said I should and he seemed to think it was a good idea. So I went and I worked extra hard, made good grades and graduated early so I could come back to him. And it was great for awhile. We were together again. He protected my dreams when I had nightmares and I felt whole again. But he still treated me like I was a kid.
I was 21 and I decided I had waited for him long enough. I didn't push just made little changes. My uniform became a little tighter. My clothes a little skimpier. I had let my hair grow out but kept it in a ponytail and I started leaving it down. I added that touch of makeup, not alot just a bit. I know his sensitive nose so I started using exotically scented lotion and shampoo instead of perfume. Just little things to let him know I was grown up. I went out on a few dates and let them kiss me and feel me up. I stayed out all night and let him think I was with a man.
He never said anything, that's really is not his way. He still came to me when I had nightmares. Then one night I was lying with him in his bed his arms around me, and he asked me if I'm alright and I kissed him. He didn't pull away but he didn't encourage me. I thought that meant he was leaving it up to me so I screwed up my courage and I made all the moves and he cooperated. I was thrilled. He was more than I had ever hoped.
During the day nothing changed, he acted like everything was the same. I was fine with that. I really was.
But after the fourth time like that, he stopped coming to me when I had nightmares. I wasn't sure what to think. During the day everything was STILL the same. In the morning he would even ask me if I was okay after a nightmare. I, of course, said yes.
But I stopped sleeping. Everyone became concerned and Hank gave me sleeping pills. They worked fine for a few nights, then I started chasing them with whiskey and they worked better. A few nights of that and he said something and took the whiskey away but still didn't come to me. I needed him.
I needed him so much. My body yearned for his now, but my mind needed him to chase the nightmares away. So again, I took matters in my own hands and went to him. He finally stopped making me make all the moves, and he was sometimes rough, but I didn't care. I love him the way he is. I was with him and that was all that mattered.
That was all that ever mattered. I knew he didn't love me and he didn't treat me like he used to anymore. He still didn't come to me, but he would take over when I came to him. I would say he treated us like I was one of his one night stands he's always had but, he trusts me more than that.
He only sleeps deeply enough to talk in his sleep when he truly trusts someone. I wonder how many women know that. I have known it since I was 13. The only times he was ever really tender with me during this period is when he would dream of someone else. He would start touching me while still half asleep and would call their names while he came inside me, Jean, Mariko, Silver Fox. I tried not to let him know how much it hurt that even when fully awake he didn't call MY name.
I never said anything to him and I NEVER let him see me cry. I don't know if he knew or not, he never said anything either.
I stopped dating of course. And I didn't say anything when he came home smelling of cheap perfume. I had always known I wouldn't be enough for him. I knew he cared for me, but I wasn't the kind of person he could love that way.
What I didn't see was all these things were a way of pushing me away. Charles Xavier tried to make me see that.
Charles called me while everyone else was away. He tried to tell me how what I had done would hurt us both. I said he was a big boy and he made the decision to accept me. I wasn't a child anymore and if I decided I wanted to be with someone I would. He told me everyone knew what was going on and they were worried about me. I didn't laugh. To be honest they WERE my friends, but they sure didn't care about me when I wasn't around, did they? I didn't let myself think that way about HIM.
Just to show I wasn't obsessed and dependent, I went out that night. I went to a club and drank and danced and let a perfect stranger makeout with me on the dance floor. I felt dirty, and decided that I had let Charles get to me and I wouldn't listen anymore.
He was there when I came home. He went into a rage. Said I was his and he didn't share. He really hurt me that night. He slammed me into a wall and tore my clothes off me. God, it hurt. The next morning I was covered in bites, scratches and bruises. I hurt everywhere.
But it hurt most to know he would think I had been with someone else. I had never wanted anyone else and worked hard to be with him. Took all kinds of shit to be with him. From him and everyone else too.
I had woken in the medlab and Hank wouldn't look me in the eye. He reassured me that he wouldn't tell anyone but probably the telepaths knew anyway. He said I was would be fine and there was no real damage but I knew he was wrong. Nothing was fine.
He stayed away from me for two days. Then he came to me for the first time. He was so tender. He kissed ALL my hurts and made them better. When I was scared he kissed that away too. He loved me all night. God, I love him.
But I didn't say it. I knew that he knew. I knew he knew I wanted to. But I didn't because I knew he didn't want me to. He knew that too. I knew, he knew.
But I also knew he was saying he was sorry he didn't love me. He was also saying good-bye. I was his and we both knew it but he didn't want me. Not really. I should have listened to Charles. He's always right. I hate him for that.
He actually talked to me before he left. He said he couldn't be all that I needed. He said he would only be gone a few weeks and then we would go back the way we used to be. I knew I couldn't do that. He was exactly what I needed. He just didn't want to be. I didn't say anything. He left.
I didn't leave my room for two days. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I just lay there. People knocked on my door and asked if I was alright but I just layed there. I felt Charles, Jean and Betsy check on me. I just ignored them and layed there.
The third day I packed up my room and made some phone calls. I left on the fourth. Didn't say anything to anyone, just left. What can I say? I had a bad role-model.
I got an apartment in Westchester. I had money from my parents. Its how I paid for college, but I didn't want to do nothing so I got a job waitressing at a bar. It was something I knew since my friend Jenny is a waitress at Harry's.
Everyone came to see me. I was social when they came. I cooked, I invited them in. I hadn't told them where I was going. I knew if they wanted to know they would find out. Guess they did. Though they always asked I wouldn't go back. He didn't come. They told me he came back just when he said he would. I suppose he got my letter. I didn't leave without telling him. I couldn't do that.
I move every few months and they always just drop in. I was surprised they kept in touch. It wasn't like I was trying to lose them, like I said if they wanted to find me they would. I guess I was surprised they would bother. They never had before. I think it was the suicidal thoughts.
Charles, Jean and Betsy couldn't help but pick them up. They even tried to talk to me about it. I couldn't. Emma came one day. She said she just wanted to make sure I was doing alright. She didn't mention suicide. But that was because she knew I wouldn't do it. For the same reason I didn't do it all those other times. It would hurt him. I think Jean put her up to coming. Not that Emma didn't care, but she believes in letting us make our own mistakes. I know she knew I was drinking, but she didn't say anything about that either. Afterall, she's really not a hypocrite.
I think I started drinking because I can't kill myself. I have nightmares pretty often. No one is there for me now. I could go back. I wouldn't go to him anymore. I know he wouldn't come to me. But there would be someone there.
Charles sometimes would help me sleep. I'm sure one of the others would let me sleep with them. Could I do it? No.
I've had sex twice in the year since I've left and both times it left me cold and dirty. I really liked them. They were good guys, little rough and raunchy, but great guys. I just didn't love them. Because I love him. I always have and always will.
I don't know why I go on. I don't know how. I really just exist, because like always I am not really alive unless I am with him. I put up a good show. Very few know how good I am at faking being alive. If you were to ask anyone they would say I am vibrant and fun. Great to have around. Seriously, its in my references.
I still do all the things I always have. Listen to loud music, rollerblade, dance, joke. I'm a blast. Ha ha. Its a good front. Most people buy it. Even most telepaths. All but Charles and Emma. That's really saying something, do you realize how many telepath's I know?
Like I said, I move every few months, just pack up and go. I don't go north, went right thru NY, too many people know me there. Stayed couple months in Georgia. Then I had sex with Mark and it was time to go.
Drove around for couple weeks after that, went thru Chicago, hit the west coast, ended up in Oklahoma. Spent some time in Tulsa and made a few friends, then few of us went to OK city together. Few months there and then I get real depressed, get drunk, sleep with Tom and he says those three magic words and pops the question. I left. God, I think I'm just like HIM.
Now I'm in a little town in Texas near the Mexican border. I have a little apartment. Still waitressing. I usually get jobs in biker bars. They're the type of people I know.
Storm dropped in on me the other day. Just to see how I'm doing. We went shopping, had a blast. Pun intended. See, I'm alotta fun. We went shopping.
I actually saw someone I know the other day. Almost used my powers for the first time in seven months. Victor Creed, Sabertooth, was getting on his bike.
Just bared his teeth, said he didn't have a quarral with me since I wasn't with HIM amymore. He looked me up and down and said I had grown up good, and if HE didn't want me, he'd take me. I just looked at him. He grinned baring his teeth and said it was my loss and left.
What scared me most was that for a brief moment, a very brief moment, I thought about it. I know I won't. But I am tired of being alone, and the only person I can think of being with forever doesn't want to be with me.
So I exist, and I will continue to do so. Because what else can I do? I will continue to exist and wait. As I always have.
end part 1
note:
If you've read my bio, you know I was depressed when I wrote this. I actually wrote it before 'Comfort', but didn't feel confident enough to post it.
Well, I got sick and depressed again, so I touched it up, and here it is. The next couple parts is from Wolverine's POV. It covers all this and goes futher.
I hope you like it. I'm still not sure about it, but it's done and tells the story pretty much the way I intended. Obviously, its AU and leaves out some of the series. That would be because I am not totally up to date on the series and couldn't identify with it. The brief reference to Jenny had to go in because in MY X-men world Jenny is now part of it as a secondary character.
Thank you for reading and please tell me what you think of it.
Dizi
